You can't change anyone, anon, especially in a marriage. You can support them to grow in positive ways, but that's about it.
I've been married almost 20 years, and I married well, which is not to say it has been easy and without conflict. I married a latina, lol, conflict is foreplay sometimes.
In absolute earnestness, you MUST share your concerns with her, but in a diplomatic way, which will not be an easy thing but it IS essential, as communication and problem solving is critical.
You can couch that how you like but some hard talks are worth having. Let her know you are concerned that she gives an impression that she has unusually low tolerance for stress and her erratic job history and low energy concern you because you love her, but you're uncertain if she'd be able to do a wife and mother's part in maintaining a marriage, which is a challenging, difficult thing, and requires hard work and effort to be good.
Forget money- you should strive to be the primary breadwinner, even if you can't quite go it alone, the striving part is essential to a man's mental well-being. For the love of God, don't proceed with her if you're this positive that however cute and nice she is, she's a bit of a dud. Strength of character isn't easy to develop.

>>34766735
I only mention money because it proves her stress tolerance is just below average. I've been trying hard to help her with everything and I've communicated it all, but idk if kids would make sense as opposed to just being partners and enjoying a less stressful life.
Currently I'm paying for the rent and both our groceries since she's living with me. She's luckily pretty frugal and doesn't push for going out much, so it's not too bad. We mainly stay in to cook everything (2-3 new meals a week), volunteer, play games and draw every day.

You should really talk to her about that
And talk to friends who have had children: it's very stressful and tiring
But it's also very rewarding which may be what she lacks

>>34766692
Only if you are totally okay with being essentially a single parent

>>34766692
>isn’t capable of making money
Ideally somebody stays home with the kids and does house shit. If that doesn’t happen, those problems have to get paid for somehow or they just go undone.
That said, any version of “energy problems” or headaches would be a no from me, dawg. And to be fair I’d tell a woman the same shit. Dude with low energy and headaches probably isn’t going to be a great dad. Just how it is.

>>34766957
Idk man, I'm 30. I feel it's over for me at this point. I've dated a lot and there was always some serious problem with the other girls too. Either they were unpleasant, didn't eat healthy, drug addicts, overweight, high body counts, had kids, etc. I had long term relationships during high school and college too, but they were also girls with low stress tolerances and low energy. I guess maybe I just wasn't enough to attract the right girls.

My only other option is just staying single and retiring within the next 5 years over in Vietnam or something like that just going from beach to beach doing everything in the town, volunteering, spending time on my art and simple things of that nature.

>>34766992
yeah, man. She takes prescription medicine most days for her headaches. They're pretty bad. She often wakes me up in the middle of the night just to take them. I even bought her a bunch of ice packs for her head. She also sleeps in until 8am, takes a bunch of naps through the day, and then goes to sleep around 8PM. The one positive is that she is always down for sex even if she's tired or has a headache. My previous gf would always say she wasn't feeling good and next time for sure (would say it every other day), which is why I wanted to break up with her. This girl also does all the chores and does her best to be healthier, but I guess she just has bad genetics in this regard.

>>34767004
Sounds like she’s a pretty fucking solid gf. Maybe even a solid wife. But probably not a real great mother. Headaches and general energy level expression aren’t something she’s choosing so I’m not being down on her at all, really. She sounds like she’d be more than happy to use more energy if she had it and that she isn’t bullshitting you about it. Unfortunate fact of the matter is that parenting would be extra-difficult and certainly extra straining for both of you. I’m sure she’d be plenty loving and caring to a child; it’s just that keeping up with one would be a whole fucking lot. Labradors are really really nice dogs but they don’t ever run 50 miles daily like huskies do

>>34766692
It's not normal per se, but marrying & having kids with her makes it *your* normal. You have to accept that she's always going to be this way and is going to need supports and have struggles that someone else may not, or don't and split up.
If you want to both survive having children, you're going to have to make some sacrifices and take on a lot. Highly suggest getting a night nurse/nanny, someone to help with the house upkeep, have a good meal plan for quick & easy nutritious things, prepped meals in freezer. And don't expect her to work.

>>34766692
Has she gotten any professional help, either through her PCP or a therapist?

Part of being in a relationship is doing your best to support and guide your partner. At the same time, some people just aren't willing or able to change, and you have to decide whether that's something you're willing to live with.

>>34767029
Yeah, that's why I ponder the question. I think she deserves to be a mom, but I feel it'll be kind of like a single dad situation. I'm also not rich enough to afford living near good schools. I grew up in a private school in a high cost of living town, then moved to a low cost of living town in high school, which put me around a lot of bad people and a school program that didn't really give a shit. I feel if I have kids they're best chance of success will be homeschooling since on one income I don't think I could afford private schools, nor living near any, but my gf wouldn't be able to help much here. I feel the stress would be too unbearable for her plus taking care of herself and chores.
So idk, that's why I'm kind of leaning on no kids. I feel that might be more responsible given my options. I also really hate work, I've saved quite a bit, but I'm always seeing news about layoffs in my field and seen it often in my company. I feel the odds are just so stacked against me for a family and I woudn't want to get divorced or have kids resent me or something like that later.

>>34767032
>Highly suggest getting a night nurse/nanny, someone to help with the house upkeep,
no chance I could really afford this to be honest. Luckily my parents live 5 min away and they're retired. I was actually trying to help them move to a beach at SEA with me later on since they're depressed living in our small cheap town. My younger brothers are also not capable of making money it seems. One with autism, the other with a learning disability and low stress tolerance too. I'm the only one in my family that graduated college.
>have a good meal plan for quick & easy nutritious things, prepped meals in freezer.
Yep, this is what we do.
>And don't expect her to work.
Yeah, I guess it's off the table for sure with kids.

>>34767055
She doesn't have a PCP and idk if a therapist could actually help. I just have her journal her problems and try different things one by one to improve.

>>34767004
I didn't mean the single parent thing as a dig. That's 100% a viable option and children are an absolute delight. Just go into that scenario with clear eyes

>>34767066
>I think she deserves to be a mom
I see where you’re going with that but I think it only applies if she asks you first. If she said “anon, I want to have kids but since [reasons] I’m not sure I can do it” then you would say “I think you deserve to be a mom so we will try together”. If she’s not actively wanting a kid herself then that’s really not much different than having a gift card you’re not really interested in using to her.
>I feel the odds are just so stacked against me for a family and I woudn't want to get divorced or have kids resent me or something like that later.
Sounds like they are. You didn’t set the world up this way but you’re reacting to it like a genuinely sane person… whatever that’s worth when it ultimately denying yourself the biological imperative lol
How interested is she in having kids?
And, to be perfectly clear, 1-10 how badly do you want kids yourself?

>>34767409
She says she would like kids, but is ok without them too, so maybe a 5/10.
For me it's like a 4 or 5/10. My dad had me at mid 40s, so I'm not really in a rush but my gf is 31. I feel I would be a good father spending a lot of time with them and showing them cool hobbies plus taking them to cool places every month and trying to set them up for success and good health, but I'm also someone who is ok being alone and can entertain myself easily. I don't really like most people either to be honest. I find very few people I genuinely like to be around, thus mostly I like being alone.

I also like to travel and go to things when I feel like it, which I'd certainly lose for the past with kids.

Basically it's:
A) Kids for no regrets/biological imperative, but probably working for the rest of my life to take care of 2-5 people. Probably being a wage slave for life and so will the kids assuming they're even capable of working.

B) No kids, retire very early in a third world country by the beach, travel a lot, fully explore hobbies, volunteer a lot

>>34767485
>I don't really like most people either to be honest
Tbdesu with you famalam a lot of people in my family are like this and have kids anyway. Now they clearly don’t like their kids. They still parent well enough, don’t get me wrong, and if you asked if they like their kids they’d say yes. But if I look closely at how the dynamics interact, I immediately think
>you don’t even like this kid as a person kek
I think I’m particularly sensitive to that because both my mom and dad are that way. Having emotionally aloof parents was really tough for me as a dude with lots of feelings. Not sure how I turned out liking other people in general when the rest of them don’t. The point is that kids are not a direct 50/50 mix from each parent. You could very easily end up not liking your own kid, despite the fact that you really are a good father, and then end up here asking “whyyyy don’t I love my son the way I should?”. And that would be a profoundly sadder question than this one.
If you’re both at a 5 then probably just lay into other aspects of life. Your desire for kids can also go up and down over surprisingly long periods of time due to hormones, even if male. Maybe this is just one of those times it’s particularly present in your mind. If you were 8+ my advice may have changed to say leave her. If she were >5 I would have said you two can find a way to make it work even if it’s hard. But since you’re both on the fence anyway and you like your life well enough now, why roll the dice?

>>34766692
Cute girls that make money and work full time don't exist bro.

>>34766692
>her stress tolerance is really low
Nothing is more stressful than having kids.