I have persistent suicidal ideation ever since I was about thirteen or fourteen. I tried to kill myself when I was fifteen but survived. Ever since that I just try to fight on but, it seems like it never goes away. Sometimes it does, when I get distracted, but whenever I'm just alone with my mind I always arrive at the conclusion this is not really worth it. I don't feel like I want to be here. The only reason I have not done something is because I don't want others to feel pain for this. I have heard about every advice one can hear regarding the ever changing nature of life and its ups and downs. Yeah, I get it. That doesn't quite do it for me. I was thinking of ways I can fix the part about others feeling the pain. Maybe distancing myself gradually until they don't miss me as much, then perhaps moving to another state or country far away and figuring out if this is still something I want to do. I'm not sure which other place I could talk about this subject. I'm just very tired of trying to get better and only getting worse, carving ever widening holes of despair. I'm more tired of dragging people that care for me into this mess. I don't want to talk to them about it anymore. I know this hurts to hear. I'm also hurting to exist, constantly. I don't want to be a zombie on medication. Is it that unacceptable to just want to stop being?
>>34777672Why do you want to kill yourself?What are you feeling?
>>34777672why does your life suck right now? what part of the world are you in?
You attempted but failed, so you're incapable of choosing a successful method. Suicide isnt for you! Do something you're good at instead. If you learn from your mistakes, you can make life work for you.
>>34777672I've had suicidal ideation as far back as I can remember. I never attempted and never received professional help and I recently turned 23. It's not off the table for me and these past few weeks I've come extremely close to doing it. All I can say is that you're not wrong to feel this way and though it goes against what you personally want, reach out and talk to people. Find somebody who feels the same. Try hopping off the meds and start doing new things with your life. Move somewhere new. Exhaust every good thing in life before you do it if you decide to make that decision. People will still feel pain no matter what you do to try and reduce it. When death is seemingly the only option, the best thing you can do is to make the most out of life. Maybe it will to convince you to live, maybe it won't, but there's no harm in trying.
>>34777672sorry, didn't read your blog, but where can i find more comfy pics like that?
>>34777688I feel overwhelmed by everything, at the same time I feel disconnected from it all. I want to kill myself because I don't relate to the world I live in. I also don't want to continue fighting on for this life. I'm very tired of feeling this every day.>>34777693Probably a mix of being the oldest of four kids that my mother has abandoned. Father non-existent. Grandmother takes care of the others but suffers a lot too. Job that pays me very well and is somewhat easy, but I could not care less and would just spend this money to travel and see the world without being forced to follow this formula of existence. I'm in Brazil.>>34777730I wouldn't fail now. >>34777737Yeah, this is something I have concluded as well. Every time I think about it, I always think I should do something that seems interesting before I make that decision and I'm aware it might convince me to continue. This is the one option I feel that could lead to some good.>>34777747Sorry, I don't really remember but maybe if you search for "Where is Waldo?" style art you might find something similar.
>>34777672>I don't want to be a zombie on medication>Zombie: a dead thoughtless thing>wants to commit suicide to become dead and thoughtlessMost people don't feel like zombies on medication, anyway.
>>34777753what steps have you taken to fix your life? are you socializing outside of family? if you wanna avoid sewer slide you need to keep your thoughts at bay which means limiting alone time or finding someone to lay with.
ong bru jus goon. goon it out. let the cum wash away your pain. Gooning solves everything
>>34777798Yes, I make an effort to see friends every weekend, and also just message them every day. I go on calls to play, watch or talk. I make projects, draw, write and design games. I do try very hard to distract myself. I used to live alone but decided that living with my grandmother would be the safest for me if I ever lose control, so here I am. But I also I don't want to be here and this makes me overwhelmed too. I can't fully limit alone time since there is no way someone is with me all the time but I try to always be at least messaging someone I trust. I do have someone to lay with.>>34777805I get the idea but the medication kind of make that hard to happen and sometimes intrusive thoughts also make that hard to happen.
>>34777672Magic mushrooms or marijuana is the answer. Try sativa strain marijuana as its more mood uplifting whereas indica just makes you nap. Sativa edibles are fun and makes music a blast
>>34777817I was considering doing mushrooms.I did it in the past and it always helps me get a little grip on the present and see things more clearly. See the worries that were rotting me away like they do not belong to me. I guess that is part of the ego dissolution, but reality always just comes right back once its over.
>>34777672I attempted when I was 17 I relate HARD to all of this. I have no advice just camaraderie.
>>34777830Hope you find some path onward, bro. If not, well, maybe we will find the same path. I'll go to sleep now.
>>34777672>>34777830How did you attempt? How did you feel afterwards?
>>34777835Nighty night.>>34777841It was dumb bunch of pills. Felt pretty rough I was in the cardiac unit for several days while I waited for a bed on the teen floor in the nearest psych hospital. And like I really wished it had actually worked lol.
>>34777841Pills my grandmother used to give me, nonprescription. Alongside loads of other medication I found around the house. I slept for what felt like two or three days. I woke up when my brother brought this cat over. I was still pretty fucked but the cat made me want to get out of bed. Grandmother seems to have noticed because she got mad and said she didn't know what to do with me, but did not do anything about it. Did not send me to hospital or nothing of the sort. Just something that happened. I felt temporarily numb about life and very focused on the cat, but as days passed I just felt the same kind of apathy return.
>>34777753Why not live for the siblings and grandma. Why'd ma n pa do that to you lot
>I feel overwhelmed by everything, at the same time I feel disconnected from it all.Bro that's a general feeling of anxiety, that doesn't tell anything. What exactly are you bothered by? List the things.>I want to kill myself because I don't relate to the world I live in.The solution is to force your likes and tastes into your friends.>I also don't want to continue fighting on for this life. I'm very tired of feeling this every day.You're exasperated by something very meta. The more you think about it, the deeper you sink in it. What makes you feel it pauses the thinking on the world and shit? Playing with animals, roadtrips and learning stuff helps for me. Other people are motivated from easy challenges like exercise and puzzles.You have to manage not feeling like shit for 3 days straight, sleep well and eat well, and keep cynical thoughts on a leash. Sometimes, feeling like shit comes in waves, so you just have to sleep on those. Try not to elaborate on the killing yourself shit, that leads nowhere. You just have to know what it looks like when the puzzle is finally solved.
>>34777874NtaI can usually manage keeping my shit together for 3 days, but then I spend 3 weeks doing nothing at all to recover. I think I'm in too deep. Anything that brings me joy lasts only as long as it's new and exciting. Everything I try gets old in less than 6 weeks.
