I'm estranged from my family for more than 10 years due to the way my parents treated me as a child and as an adult.My mother is now depressed and suicidal. I am not very sure how I should react. Any advice would be appreciated
>>34783287Well I'm not surprised that she is depressed considering she drove one of her children away. I guess the question is whether you can engage with her or if she still acts in whatever way she did when you were younger
>>34783287haven't you had enough time to forgive the situation and move on?shit parents or mid, they still raised you. it's okay to give them some things without selling yourself out to whatever happened in the past. it's not like you can keep up some boundaries if they go back to trying to manipulate you. you're well into adulthood now so you can do that, right?i've kept mine at a distance before, and just tell them current events (from years past) when i'm ready. but you can just offer to be present, listen, give a hug, and go back to life.
>>34783297Unfortunately, she acts quite the same. Is it wrong that I don't feel empathy or sadness for her situation? The confusing aspect is that people normally try to help suicidal people, no matter how terrible they are. Its a tragedy if a murderer killed themselves in prison, for example.
>>34783328You're right, they can't do much towards me now that I'm an adult. I still have not forgiven them because of the way they have treated my younger siblings, and continued to treat me poorly as an adult. I wouldn't say that I hold on to anger or something, but I feel visceral disgust even thinking about hugging them or supporting them. I don't really hate them and wish endless suffering upon them, it's more like I kinda just want them to disappear from existence.
>>34783362you asking here shows you have some care. how is it affecting your siblings?if anything, do it for them. if your mom's situation will improve so might there's. you might also be able to have a conversation with her about your frustrations. she's at a low point, so you might get an open ear for once.
>>34783287anon, i'm going to come to you with the perspective of someone who is likely going to be estranged from their parents at some point.your mom's suicidality is not your responsibility, nor would it be your fault if she chose to do it. you cannot be forced into forgiveness, and interacting with them will only be used as an excuse to feed off of you.you do not have to wish endless suffering on them, but you also don't have to be in their lives. if that brings suffering to them, then they need to reflect on why (which they likely won't). if you do choose and can find it in you to forgive them, you still don't have to be in their lives. but, if you choose to be, knowing full well how they are and what they are capable of, understand you have the choice to leave again at any time, and to not be mistreated. >>34783337it's not wrong, but realize this is her own doing to herself because she doesn't want to reflect. you can be sad for her, pity her, see it as a form of self-harm. these kinds of people live off hurting others because of a chronic boredom inside of them, and mistreating others is the only steam release for them. imo the kindness thing you can do is honestly stay away, for your own safety/wellbeing and wish them healing from their problem (from a distance). the suicidality could easily be a bait for your attention also, or a way to "punish" you.
>>34783337You should still feel empathy, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to contact her. A lot of messed up people use suicidal tendancies to force people to pay attention to them, that could be going on here. At any rate, if your mother hasn't changed, I would stay no-contact. It sucks, but she knows what she needs to do to get you back in her life and isn't doing it, so that is kinda on her
>>34783287My Mum went through a bit of a prolonged episode as her relationship with my stepfather broke down. She clearly had some mental issues that would only really surface in her romantic relationships. Around the time I moved out it got to a point where I'd hear her going off on him pretty much all the time - like relentlessly which was pretty unfair as it'd mostly be over nothing and the bloke was overworked and was pretty much carrying her financially for years. Not long after I moved out, and it was a long time coming but my step dad eventually broke it off and wanted a divorce which was followed by a couple of weeks of Mum giving him absolute hell, eventually culminating in her threatening suicide with a plan to take pills and everything. Got a call at work from my aunt letting me know that she'd been sectioned and was at hospital. Anyway even from a young age I was always pretty good at keeping her at arms length and didn't have a lot of patience for her histrionics. I think it's a defence mechanism I learned through observing her close adult relationships - I've always absolutely resented the idea of having any responsibility over her in any capacity and even when she got sectioned that didn't change. It was upsetting news for sure, but I just got her some flowers, visited her in the ward and left the rest for my family to deal with.OP you obviously made that decision for a reason. Feel free to approach the situation as you see fit. I personally don't buy into the idea that blood somehow equates to obligation to your parents. If a parent wants their child to be present and supportive in adulthood they should earn it in their childhood.
>>34783328Some things can't and shouldn't ever be forgiven. OP's parents could have sexually assaulted, tortured, abused, or traumatized him.Its very insensitive to ignore OP's circumstances and act like forgiving is a given. If someone beat you up with a baseball bat until you were bruised all over with multiple broken bones, would you ever forgive them? What if they were your family? If your answer changed then you are delusional, because being family isnt an excuse to hurt someone.
>>34783381I think around the time when I was mistreated, my younger brother was traumatised from seeing me getting treated like that, and has kind of shut down socially and mentally (this is according to my mother). I also think that as we drifted apart, and he had really bad experiences in school that shaped him, although I don't know for sure. My youngest brother was more spoiled for some reason, and has become insufferable and entitled.Unfortunately, as I grew up, I spent as much time as I could away from home, and so I talked less with my brothers and we naturally drifted apart. We don't interact at all nowadays. I last talked to them around a year ago.I don't doubt that she would be open to hearing from me as she's at a low point, but I don't know if its the best time to bring up my grievances with her, and if I do, what would that really achieve? I don't want to have any relationship with her, I just don't want her to kill herself.Thank you for your reply>>34783482>>34783808>>34784303>>34784371Thank you anons for your perspectives, I think I'll try to find out if she has any support structures and if not, I'll get professional help from a mental hospital or something similar. If she does have people that is supportive (my uncles or aunts if they still talk to her) I'll alert them and see what happens from a distance. Thanks so much.
