I have been going to the military since everyone gets drafted from my country and every now and then they let us have a vacation weekend where we go back to our civilian lives for a few days. Every sunday when we have to go back to base my mind instantly fills with worries about civilian life after my service is complete and having to go back to early mornings, slop food, being in a hurry to wait and the exhaustion. My thoughts become so draining its hard to focus on anything. I constantly think about pulling the fucking barrel of my AR up to my neck and pulling the trigger the next time we go out to the range. Every time I hear the person next to me shoot breakthrough the absolute silence of my earmuffs it makes me think about it. I can't even fucking type properly anymore and its fucking Sunday.
you are describing the physical acts of civvie life, they should be encompassed by what you value in life, by what you desirethey shouldn't be the goals, but just stepswhat do you want the most from life? if you found a genie lamp and you could make a single wish, what would you wish for?
>>34784830I know what I wan't in life its just not reachable. In life I have always wanted to have a loving family and protect my countrymen. You can argue im sort of doing the second one but one soldier is so insignificant I don't fucking matter. I will be buried in a mass grave on week 1 at best. Most importantly and the reason I guess I haven't shot myself yet is I don't want all the money that wen't into raising me, feeding me and etc to go to waste.
