>>34784930
>im not actively suicidal, i simply dont see a reason to live at all. the world is corrupt, everyone is shallow and no one actually forms bonds anymore
I relate to this so much what the fuck is there genuinenly to look forward to. The only reason I don't kill my self is to not cause harm to my family and because I don't want the money that was used in raising me to go to waste

>>34784930
Everyone seems so shallow because you are too deep in your own shit.
It's a lie that you have nothing to do either, you have to finish school.
>but the world is so meaningless and corrupt
If it wasn't, you would come with another excuse to not do the things you know you have to do. "The world" is not relevant to your situation.

>>34784939
i totally get what you mean by not wanting to cause harm to your family but in reality, theyll just mourn for a few months maybe even years, but eventually people forget. dont feel guilty for not wanting to be here when it wasnt your choice to be born in the first place

>>34784942
everyone seems shallow because everyone is shallow, you say i have school to finish but for what? were all going to die eventually, why would i slave away at school doing thngs i dont want to, then eventually get into some minimum wage job and force myself to be someone im not? i dont mean to offend you in any way, what you said is just how you view life. why are we actually here? to just do the same thing? go to school, finish school, work til you retire, then die? were not robots

>>34784970
you have to define the values you place in the various things in your life by yourself, you dummkopf
those actions you describe are just that: actions, they mean nothing and they feel empty without any semblance of personal context that gives them meaning
think about what are the things you value the most in your life, if you found a genie lamp and you could make a single wish, what would you wish for?

>>34784982
wow what a revelation thank you but what if id wish to never have existed? i didnt choose to be here in the first place so why am i expected to have a will to live? what if i have no ambitions, no interests, nothing that keeps me motivated? what would be your advice wise german?

>>34784988
I'd say to abadon your edgy teenager mindset
either that or check out from life by becoming a canadian citizen and then asking for maid, or by going to switzerland to ask for a killpod, though I know you will NEVER do that because you're just throwing the verbal equivalent of a tantrum when confronted with the fact that nothing in life is free, especially valuable things, and the idea of actually paying effort is making you all cranky

>>34784997
honestly, i dont blame you, im aware im coming off as stupid naive and edgy, but this is really just me coping. i understand you have to put work into what you want, but what am i supposed to want? as for suicide i attempted this january but unfortunately it didnt work even though i did thorough research on sanctioned suicide, and i just ended up in hospital. i completely agree with you though, im just completely lost and as i have no friends or community in real life or online, i came here

>>34784930
your problem reminds me of the story of a monk that tried to find peace and quiet. their journey took them to a cave, where they finally found solace from people, but the dripping of water from the cavern walls started to drive them crazy.
there's always going to be something.
you've isolated yourself from the rest of the world for years, and no amount of escaping is going to fix it. instead you've just made it so you can't cope with anything outside your room.
you probably think me and the rest of us are just faggot normies. i was in your shoes once though and found a job that has minimal interactions with people. i still even hide in my work when i don't want to deal with annoying people that day because it's not part of my job description.
at some point you're going to have to face the music and immerse yourself in the world more fully again, and it will give you the coping mechanisms to better ignore the inescapable bullshit. And no matter what you do in life, you can try to minimize it, but part of life will have bullshit you don't want to do.
If you want to find people like here, i'd suggest looking into other boards /vg/ /soc/ /tg/ that you can meet other anons that may be a similar position to you. you can also use duolicious or whatever to look for friends since a large amount of the base is from here.

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>>34785005
from what you're writing, it seems to me that your identity is too diffused, that's why you feel so aimless

>>34785033
i know therell always be something wrong, but right now it feels like everythings wrong and theres nothing not even something small that gives me relief besides self mutilation. id be more than willing to work a job with minimal interactions with people, as you can probably tell i have social anxiety. i just want to be somewhat content. ive tried so many different things, but it all fades into a big, bleak, colourless mess eventually. i dont really want friends anymore, everyone ive spoken to always seems to want something from me. my parents raised me to never trust anyone either, and thats stuck with me. i cant trust anybody, i dont feel superior to anyone, i feel more inferior and disadvantaged if anything. everything feels too heavy to bear. i know my problems are near nothihng compared to others problems, but i wish to be treated as a human too. ive spoken to therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists and ive tried medications too. absolutely nothing has worked. even mental health professionals act strange around me, as if they can see im abnormal just by looking at me

>>34784930
No man will ever love you fucking ugly bitch.

>>34785042
it really does feel as you said. ive tried physical activity and other challenges but it always ends up feeling stupid and forced no matter how hard or long i try. i spend all my tijme with myself, but i have no idea if im an actual person. i dont believe in any rekligion, ive looked into them all but nothing feels real. ive spent a little too much time trying to get to know myself. i dont feel like a real person. when i harm myself, its as if it isnt even real, or at least it doesnt feel real, it just doesnt hurt and i dont know why ive been dealt such an unlucky hand at life

>>34785063
its interesting that you felt the need to say this when ive never mentioned being interested in relationships. i guarantee you i look much better than you however. dont project onto me ^^

>>34785061
medications and therapy is a shit modern solution to an age old problem.
real people are the solution. and it's both easier/harder to find them depending on how you look at the problem. easier in terms of the internet having tons of avenues for finding people, but harder because finding them outside has more social rules now where people don't want to talk to you in day to day.

i think you've lost almost every ability to cope with situations and as such it makes you feel inferior. in a relationship you do need to put up things like boundaries and assert your equality.
if a person projects themself as inferior, people will run you over. it's an unconscious behavior even.

they did a study with thieves where they did a lineup of pedestrians and asked the thieves which people they would mug from. ironically, the pedestrians they picked had a prior history of having been mugged people.
whether it's thieves, bullies, rapists, people looking for a one night stand, or people in their day to day find people that make themselves appear small (through body language) it invites the worst kind of people if someone doesn't project some form of confidence, readiness, or boundaries.

you've got a long road ahead of you. im gonna be straight. your parents fucked up letting you become so isolated. if you were my kid i wouldn't allow that to happen. there was a period one of mine was trying to get out of school as well after covid and it really bit them in the ass later because they developed a social anxiety that made it hard for them to interact with the world.
when they got a job though, most of it went away and they got the coping skills back to create a barrier for assholes (they work at a corner store)

>>34785119
>they did a study with thieves where they did a lineup of pedestrians and asked the thieves which people they would mug from. ironically, the pedestrians they picked had a prior history of having been mugged people.
(not OP) interesting, shows how important body language can be

>>34785125
it's why to carry pepper spray/taser/gun. it's the great equalizer if someone more intimidating wants to take advantage of you.
i've had enough confrontations in the middle of the national forest to know better, and im a dude

>>34785119
but why does nobody feel real? yes i havent gone outside recently or actively tried to find connections, but when i used to go to school, nobody around me felt real. i used to work at some fast food place too, and i genuinely felt like iwas ina simulation. when people talk to me, all i get it shit like 'youre a good person, why do you not want to be here?', 'youre so pretty!!!', 'are you with anyone?' this is all ive been getting from people ranging from grown adult women/men, to people my age. it seems to me all people care about is whats on the outside, and it makes me really feel like some people only want me around just because of whats on the outside. i dont ever want to be in a relationship, ill never willingly get into one, because i dont believe most people are even properly conscious. i cant change the way i see nyself because for 18 years its all ive been told by the people who are always around me, my family. all i want is to die as soon as possible. i cant help bvut think everyone has bad motives. i wish i could go outside by myself to see nature, but i cant even do that. there are bad people always lurking.

>>34785157
high school is all bullshit. it's all friends of convenience. i know there's people that have high school friends through life, but even the ones i raised moved away from high school friends.
they're friendships of convenience because you have a small pool or possible friends accomplishing a similar mission (getting a degree), so you make do like you would if you had a neighbor friend or whatever.
it's the same thing if you had a friend from a video game. you're both only friends because you're playing the same game. every time one of us dips and moves on to another game, the friendship dies immediately. people don't want to put the effort in, and a friendship is active and requires effort to maintain, even if it's minimal.
any work will also give you the most shallow interactions. people want to get on with their lives. there's 5 love languages, and i've always been about quality time and not the other ones. the time i best connected with my kids was when it was before school or before bedtime, because they suddenly dropped the pretenses that they were going to 'get something out of the situation' or just had other shit on my mind.
it's hard to foster that with people and certainly isn't going to be found at work/school. it's why i avoid people at work. i can tell just by looking at their vehicle what they're up to and if they're going to follow the same line of conversation i've heard a zillion times before. it's all surface level shit.
all of these have a similar theme: you don't choose family, the public, classmates, coworkers. you just cope and adapt to them and deal with the bullshit they bring to you, or find a way to move on from that by finding other work/school/etc. it's in that at least 10% of life is bullshit that's inescapable.

>>34785157
considering you're on 4chan, and probably more apt to discussing dark subjects, your pool of finding people you relate to is probably pretty small. this is why i suggested the other boards and sites 4channers use.
i wouldn't really know where in public i'd find friends willing to talk (not just joke) about suicide, self-harm, dark humor, or any similar subject material. and trialing a friend out with that sort of stuff can just lead people to think you're either nuts or need help.
>consciousness
you're definitely right. psychologists draw a diagram that consciousness is like an iceberg. 10% of it's above water (if you're lucky) and 90% is below. shit like being unhealthy or drugs sinks the iceberg and most people are addicted to the comforts of their routine to where it's all on unconscious automatic. you and i are programmed that way as well so finding those, long dark moments to discuss the real shit can be difficult.
you're definitely in a holden caulfield moment of your life, and need to see the field in front of you and not the world of shit we are born in, and celebrate the small things and try to find one friend you can relate to.

>>34785191
honestly i agree with what you said, highschool is just bs, but outside of highschool, outside ofwork, what's left??? props to you for being able to raise children in this generation, i know youre not asking for advice but you even spending time with them before bed etc will definitely help mold them into more stable people in the future. if i had a better upbringing, im almost 100% sure i wouldve had a will to live. what im getting though is that its pretty much not worth talking to anybody, because no one actually cares about deep friendships anymore. as i said, everyone is shallow. id much rather prefer if someone just gave me a method thats certain to work to disappear. as for friends, i genuinely dont want any. ive met loads of people on stupid places like discord and video games, like-minded people, but they always end up feeling like something that isnt real to me somehow. i know im the problem, but i just dont get why not even a single person can make an exception for me and be my friend just because, with no other motives. theres genuinely no point to life. you have something to live for, which is your children. i have absolutely nothing id miss and nothing would miss me. i want to be away from everybody, in a place of complete silence

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>>34785157
if you want to be a player character in this world, you're going to have to go out in nature regardless of the people in it. i avoid parks that are just mown grass and a walking path and usually find a field or something and plop a wool blanket in the middle of it to avoid the eyes.
if you're adapting to other people like that you are belittling yourself and your wants/needs and adapting to others.
when i was a more nervous young man, what helped me was dropping self-consciousness. i realized no one else really cares what i'm doing, so there's no worry to it being weird. it got me to wear a kilt or a tunic in public if i wanted to and ignore any stares. age also helps with not caring what others think anymore, especially knowing whatever opinion they have probably holds low value.
self-consciousness prohibits self-awareness and forces us into unconscious patterns. self-awareness i found came best when doing things i could reflect upon later, because sitting in my head all day just led me into thinking in circles. it sounds stupid to say retard maxing, but i had to find tricks like 'no one cares' to find the shut down switch to my brain and enjoy the small things in this world without thinking about everything before doing them.

i know no one wants to hear religion (and im not that religious) but the serenity prayer is what helped me get past these things summed up in short. i even removed the god part for you.
but i think it was wisdom that helped me turn my brain off. i accepted what i had no control over, and moved on, even if something i did is/was eccentric/weird.

>>34784930
You depressed

>>34785236
id truly love to go outside, being judged is definitely one of the scary things, but im mostly scared of being attacked by like some homeless person or getting raped by someone/kidnapped. i doint mean this in a self centred way, its just logical to me. who wouldnt want to kidnap a random girl whos alone and clearly cant physically defend herself? you could just sell said person and gain a ton of money, which is something everybody seems to be infinitely hungry for. id love to get on a train and go far far away and see pretty places by myself, but its almost a guaranteed way to get hurt. thank you for the prayer, i dont get irritated when people speak abgout religion.

>>34785238
yep im depressed :D

>>34785249
I noticed. I was depressed in a similar way you are when i was 18.

>>34785245
what part of the world do you live in? country/continent wherever?
Unless you're in a major US city, I think the odds are pretty low of that. With some exposure you'll get over your risk.
I had a job once where I spent months in the forest alone. Some nights I had a building and others I was just in a tent. On the later, i'd mistake every stick snapping as a mountain lion, black bear, wolf, sasquatch (and whatever else was out there ready to eat me), but it never happened and I learned to ignore it.
I'm much more likely to die from a snake bite, bee, tick, lightning, etc.
humans are the most dangerous mammal, and i'd consider getting some pepper spray when you go out, but i assume where you live is safer than you think. of first world countries, i'd say some us cities are the only major exception.
europe is very safe all things considered (some migrant issues depending on area).

>>34785236
again id suggest meeting people on the 4chan boards i mentioned.
ive always found video game friends shallow. whenever one of you moves on to a new video game the friendship ends.
every discord server is run by 5 people that have 18 hours a day to shit up the chat log, and ostracize everyone out with cliques they form for the ones with more time on their hands. problem i've found is these 5 ring leaders don't even get anything new to bring to the table except maybe tiktok memes, so its just people eating shit and spewing it out all day in a constant recycling experiment of human centipede proportions. i deleted mine

im going to assume here too that since you're a woman that you have the obstacle of any guys that you meet just want a relationship as well

i think finding an individual or two is what you should be looking for and id suggest trying the 4chan sites/boards. duolicious, /soc/ (more corn), /vg/ groups tend to be more open to dark subject discussion in their game. i think there's watch parties in anime and other places. /r9k/ also has a self harm general too.

i dont think there's going to be an easy no trace method to sewerslide.
good luck anon. i wish the best for you. just know there's thousands of people in your position right now, and someone is out there thinking most everyone around them is phony and full of shit because they haven't found someone like you.

>>34785454
im in australia, also in one of the most known cities too, so obviously it seems like it wouldnt be a problem but it is a problem. the amount of immigrants here are genuinely insane, you pretty much get stared at weird for being white since mostly everybody is brown as fuck. theres just a shit load of coloured immigrant men who wouldnt hesitate to go after anything theyre drawn to in public. honestly id be more comfortable in a forest as you explained. animals just feel less disgusting than people do. id carry pepper spray but its actually super duper illegal here, the laws here are retarded

>>34785518
hmm.
i'd maybe look at seasonal jobs in australia. in the us they tend to get you away from home and meet with a more interesting crowd. that's what i did.
seasonal summer jobs tends to attract a more open minded crowd of people, especially forest type jobs attract more hippy types. there's stuff such as tree planting, fruit picking, farming and they typically offer housing for the season. i imagine the fruit picking is more immigrants. but australia also supplies the world sheep so you may be able to find a quiet job on a ranch where you can avoid people and tend to animals.
it seems like some companies are like the old market towns there so i'm not too sure how the environment is
but it seems like facebook groups and these options may help
https://au.seek.com/summer-jobs
https://www.backpackerjobboard.com.au
https://au.indeed.com/q-seasonal-jobs.html?vjk=d3a198b943a56db6

im not even throwing this out there to say to get a job but that it may be a way to escape the environment you're in.
there's way to live very cheap on your own too, depending on what you are willing to live with. it seems like australia's economy is a bit of a mess rn tho

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>>34785717
i imagine if you get out of the cities the violence wouldn't be too bad. better than the us

>>34785717
i know this’ll sound awfully entitled/strange but i just can’t imagine working in a farm-ish environment, although it does actually seem really peaceful. i just wish i could find a way to get a job that i could do remotely and then somehow save enough money to get out of this house and live by myself. i wish it was easier to live a stable life but it isn’t, and since everything is so expensive and jobs require an insane amount of effort, it just doesn’t feel worth it. like rent here would be $800 per WEEK, and if you have a minimum wage job and work literally everyday, the most you’ll probably make is $1000 ish a week here or even less. it just doesn’t seem liveable. is there anything i can do remotely? i genuinely wish i could get into like idk selling organs because why is finding even the simplest, most standard job impossible today? i’ve applied to countless jobs on multiple different sites, ive even gone in person and handed in a resume. i still don’t have a job. i wish something like cyber security were easier to do. i just want to be alone and work from home without having to interact with anybody.

>>34785779
https://au.seek.com/remote-jobs
no idea what it's like down under. i thought remote jobs would explode in growth after covid cause it would save the companies office space and improve quality of life, but it seems like ceos hit back hard on the prospect.
i think it became impossible to monitor a workers progress as people started buying mouse jigglers to give them the appearance of moving their mouse around.
i think a few select people good cush jobs, but now the demand for any remote positions is saturated unless you're already in an upper position of a firm that they'd consider moving you to remote.
there may be some minimal, data entry type jobs, but the availability of those is kind of a meme here in the US afaik.

i get where you are coming from with the farm. i used to fix/build computers but wanted to be outdoors so changed professions. i'd kill to raise sheep, but in us people just focus on cattle.
other things off the top of my head: delivery (especially in a rural area), trucking, certain technicians (like in a lab and healthcare usually in demand), librarian, pet babysitting, tree planting/forestry tech, warehouse/stocking, some trades like painting, maritime, court/technical writer, anything graveyard shift.
there may even be some office jobs they let you use headphones all day