Me and my partner have been in an ENM (ethically non monogamous) relationship for the last 2 years. In these last 2 years I have learned a lot, and I would like to pass on some of the knowledge I have acquired. For some background, me and my partner are a M/F couple in our earlyish 20s, and both of us are bisexual. I often see questions about this lifestyle on this board and I have finally decided to pitch in. These are just basic statements, if you have any questions, please ask. Many of the below constitute unwritten rules and behaviors. 1. The ENM community is one of the most toxic online communities I have ever been a part of. If you are interested in ENM, avoid all major communities. 2. If you have standards, they are too high. Full stop. This relates to #1. Having standards will make you a "unicorn hunter". 3. Heterosexual couples are actively discriminated against for the most part, especially if one or both members is straight. 4. Almost every ENM community exclusively caters towards single or lesbian women, with gay men being a close 3rd. 5. Despite being "inclusive", everyone is obsessed with looks. When it comes down to it, everyone wants to fuck good looking people. Going to the gym may be the best piece of advice for individuals looking to get into ENM. 6. If you are trans, you will always be viewed as your birth gender. Not something I have had to deal with, but something that I have seen. 7. There is no "correct" reason to get into ENM, but almost every reason you want to get into ENM is "wrong". I may add more, but these are issues me and my partner have either experienced first hand or have observed with other people.
>>34830449You're gay
>>34830449Do you two like bbc?
>>34830449So what I'm hearing is hire a sane hooker for the threesome fantasy and only ever do it once.
>>34830879Yes. Either use a sex worker or become comfortable being monogamous/lose your fantasy. Those are your only two options unless you're willing to deal with a lot of drama.
Tldr enm doesn't work, it's just for people larping having a healthy relationship when they're just sleeping around like a slut
>>34831004There are very few individuals who are able to have healthy relationships while also being into ENM. Me and my partner arguably have "insane" standards within the community, which has gotten me a lot of flack, but I attribute this to why we have a good relationship. Yes, me, not her. As I mentioned in my original post the community prioritizes single or lesbian women, their needs come first and everyone else's come second if at all. By "needs" I generally mean getting good faith advice without being beaten down for asking "stupid questions". If you are a single guy (who isn't gay) or a heterosexual couple you will be constantly berated, even if you are legitimately still in the learning process. If a woman ghosts you and you are a guy or in a heterosexual relationship, it is almost always your fault, even if it is not. My own personal experience within this community has lead me to believe that it is essentially just another version of social media dating except for women who are into even harder core shit than "regular" women. It should also be known that almost everyone I have met who is into ENM, both online and irl, is into BDSM, also on the harder side.
>>34831049>If a woman ghosts you and you are a guy it is always your fault, even if it is not.FTFY bitches be crazy
>>34831049>There are very few individuals who are able to have healthy relationships while also being into ENM.I don't believe this. Sex is not your whole fulfillment in life and it's just one aspect.Acting on every fetish idea and then calling it normal or nessecary for a a healthy relationship is insane.
>>34831846Do you mean that no individuals are able to be in healthy ENM relationships or that more people than I am saying are in healthy ENM relationships?
>>34830449Not a single word of this is accurate. Go and troll somewhere else.
>>34832136Fascinating, that your experience. If you would like to share with the class, please do. I have found plenty of individuals who have had similar experiences to mine and my partners, and have heard of several people who have had even worse experiences.
>>34831004/thread
>community sucks, avoid it at all costs>muh community>muh community>muh community>muh communitywhy aren't you following your own advice?
>>34830449Why call it ethical in the first place? Just call it polygamous you special snowflakes
>>34832281>If you would like to share with the class, please do.(part 1)Well, I'm an oldfag, and into ENM. Obviously I've been involved with a number of people over the years who also were, as were some of their other friends and partners and exes. My sister and most of her friends have always been very into it too. Throughout all that, I've never met even one person who in any way resembles what you're describing. People for whom ENM is a good choice are certainly different from the average. I often compare it to a sexual orientation. If (for example) you're a man, the fact that you have sex with other men doesn't make you gay: the cause and effect is the other way round - it's not that you're gay because you have sex with other men, it's that you have sex with other men because you are gay. Being gay isn't about actions, it's about emotions: gay people feel differently; they're attracted differently (to different people) and fall in love differently (with different people). If you're straight, you can't make yourself gay by choosing to have sex with men, and if you are gay, you don't stop being gay by becoming celibate - that just makes you a celibate gay person.(end of part 1)
>>34834052(part 2)And of course, there are many people in the world who don't understand this: they think being gay is some kind of "lifestyle choice"; once you realise that being gay is about emotions, not actions, you realise why that's wrong.In the same kind of way, ENM is not a lifestyle choice, and it's determined by your emotions, not your actions. And also in the same way (but to a far greater extent) hardly anyone who isn't ENM actually understands what it is. People try to understand ENM by thinking in terms of "What would it mean if a normal, monogamous person behaved like that?" You *can't* understand ENM that way: it's like trying to understand being gay by imagining a straight man who fucks men. It's only when you realise that gay people's emotions work differently from yours that you get it. But unfortunately no one wants to "get" ENM; no one is willing to make the effort to understand, they prefer to assume that the way their own brains work is the only way a brain *can* work, like a straight person patiently explaining that it's impossible for a man to fall in love with another man, because men only fall in love with women. Sure, it's impossible for *you*, but it's not impossible for a gay man, and you need to consider that his brain doesn't work the way yours does.(end of part 2)
>>34834060(part 3)Anyway, what distinguishes genuinely non-monogamous people from others, I think, is that they have a greater capacity for love, while their ability to experience damaging emotions like hatred, anger, possessiveness, and jealousy is correspondingly diminished. A normal person can only love one person at a time. The amount of love in their bodies is so limited that loving just one person uses up their entire supply. But truly non-monogamous people love limitlessly. If you want to understand it (and I know everyone reading this is far too arrogant to want to try) imagine what it would feel like if (in this one way only, not in any other way) romantic love worked like a parent loving a child. If a mother were to say "I love my daughter with all my heart, but obviously you can only love one child at a time, so I can't love my son as well" you'd think "What the hell are you talking about? Of course you can love more than one child with all your heart." To a non-monogamous person, romantic love works like that: they can love more than one person with all their heart. You can't; you can't understand how such a thing is possible; but for them it is. In the same way, non-monogamous people don't experience jealousy the way you do. For you, if you love someone, that person spending time with someone else causes jealousy; or if it doesn't, that's a sign that you don't love them. But for a non-monogamous person it doesn't work like that. For them, even if they're more in love you will ever be, all they want is for the other person to be as happy as possible; and since they don't flatter themselves that they can satisfy every possible emotional need the other person will ever have, they want them to spend time with other people and be happy.(end of part 3)
>>34834068(part 4)As for what non-monogamous people are like in other contexts, well... wonderful. They are evolved, highly intelligent, loving, generous, selfless people. You tend to find them in professions like teaching and nursing - jobs that involve putting the needs of a large number of other people before their own. They are unconventional and questioning; they don't blindly absorb other people's prejudices or make assumptions about others; they figure things out for themselves. In 4chan parlance, they are the most "based" people you'll ever meet. They're kind, open-minded, unprejudiced, and generally exactly the kind of person you'd want to have in your life.(the end)
>>34830449>If you are trans, you will always be viewed as your birth genderThat's just normal. A man in a dress is just a man in a dress.
>>34831004It sounds like yet another community of undiagnosed mentally ill people.
>>348304491. If it's so bad, why continue to be a part of it?2. How did you start?3. Best experience / worst experience so far?4. Regrets?
>>34834052>Well, I'm an oldfag, and into ENM.Hello, OP here. I read through your posts and I think I see the primary difference between our experiences. Me and my partner are significantly younger than you, and our generation has a larger number of individuals who are willing to complain and bitch about "wrongspeak" and "unacceptable standards" etc. I am very much so simplifying this. I agree with the overwhelming majority of what you wrote however. It is entirely possible that my personal experience with the community was soured by a few bad actors. >>348346691. Similar to what the "oldfag" wrote, its not a lifestyle choice. Both me and my partner naturally gravitate towards that lifestyle, and always have. 2. #1 should answer this yes? 3. My partner is incredibly strict about who we do and do not engage with, and she has actively passed up on several opportunities I would have jumped at. So my worst experience would also probably just be missed opportunities. As for a "best experience" I would need to think on that. 4. Not yet, but we have almost done a few things that we probably would have regretted.
