pretty early on his friend crashed my car and completely totaled it. i ended up in hospital with 4 broken ribs and he came to see me there.after that he started getting distant and eventually told me he doesn’t think he can do anything serious. he opened up to me about some really heavy shit with his ex and told me she had gotten pregnant and had an abortion. not long after telling me all of that he told me he loved me.since then he’s been really hot and cold. when things are good they’re genuinely really good and i really like him, but then he’ll randomly disappear and ghost me, sometimes for up to a week, before coming back and acting normal again.i can’t tell if he’s scared of getting close to someone because of what happened before or if i’m just making excuses for someone who has already told me he can’t give me a relationship.would you give this more time or just leave?
lmao. imagine thinking this is the best you can do
yeah thats what im starting to think lol
>>34842829draw the line and tell him to stop acting like edward cullen or you will need to move on
yeah the disappearing act is getting old
how do i draw that line without making it an ultimatum
>>34842851it is an ultimatum.tell this nigger to get his act together and stop acting like a manchild. if he misses the train he'll never see the flesh cave/what am i missing?
were both pretty young and thats kinda what makes me hesitate. he says he does see something with me, just not rn. his reasoning is basically that im “too nice” and hes a pos and thinks he’ll end up hurting me. hes also still pretty fucked up over what happened with his ex and the pregnancy/abortion, so part of me thinks hes genuinely not ready and part of me thinks im an idiot for waiting around lol
ALSO, so his "dead baby" he has like the ashes of I guess? I looked up the name of the cremation company and its in Tasmania we live in a completely diffrent part of Aus
>>34842864tell him he's acting like an emotional vampirewhatever happened between him and his ex is rubbing off on himhim saying gay shit about you being too nice and he's a pos is him fishing for you to fill a void in his lifethe subtext is he needs to buck up the courage and get over his shit or yes, you will move on.just tell him and not uswe're not your fucking boyfriendsgogo
“we’re not your fucking boyfriends” okay fair lmao. i think im just trying to work out whether im being understanding or letting him fuck me around ive tried talking to him about this multiple times and its like im talking to a brick wall idk
>>34842892if you want to be the man about it, then just ask him out but tell him next time he plays gopher and disappears for a week it's over.i think you'd be selling yourself short because you'd probably be more willing to sell yourself short when this inevitably happens.if you can't even talk to him about simple shit, without games though, it's already over.you've put yourself on reserve for him already so you've been plenty understanding.he's already fucking you around. it's partially your fault but he keeps coming back to you like a faggot so you can help lap his self-inflicted wounds back up. you can't save him from his tortured soul act. you can only tell him to figure it out now if he values the relationship or prepare for breakup #2this is the tough love answer and it's still plenty understanding. where do you have to sugarcoat it?
fair. i think my problem is if i tell him “do this again and im gone” i know theres a decent chance i wont actually leave because im already attached. so maybe i need to figure that shit out before i try giving him an ultimatum
>>34842910yeah it seems like you're the roadblock to fixing your situationdespite the other advice, you're actually not prepared to believe 'this is the best you can do' and look around.unless you're an abo you could line up a hundred Bruce's in an hour of a dating site.why's this one guy matter? it sounds like he's sucking you emotionally dry. the problem with people like him is in a twisted way some of these people get a hit off someone caring about their bullshit. but after years of caretaking you'll realize all the affirmations in the world go into an infinitely disappearing well. they go nowhere. don't be the retarded monkey that feeds that bad behavior when the best thing that might happen to this guy is someone telling him to get his shit together and stop acting like that.why would he feel bad about himself for a whole week then show up out of the blue? to get a hit off you. so stop acting like his mommy. no functional adult wants to date an edward cullen. they're a walking disaster.how long are you gonna wait for this guy to get his life in order? that date may never come.
fuck okay the “how long are you gonna wait” part got me. i dont think hes the best i can do, i just want this particular retard unfortunately. but yeah i dont wanna wake up a year from now still waiting for him to magically be ready
fuck the ultimatum, just move onhes got a personality disorder and when he told you that he doesn't see a relationship with you, he was saying:>I don't think you're good enough and I'm going to hurt you because of itI used to pull this shit and it took a bitch drinking herself to death for me to work on it
>>34842933that's why you give him the ultimatum. just be honest. say you've been holding out for him. you're ready. if he isn't that's fine, but you're gonna move up. he should grow up fast or prove to you he is incapable of changing anytime soon and that is your queue.then he can come here in a year or two bitching making a thread about the one that got away.
>>34842941cue not queue*>>34842940i mean, yeah he has a disorder. op being straightforward is gonna be the best dose of medicine for this guy if she gives a shit about him either way.
thats the thing though, ive tried pushing him for an actual answer before and i just hit a wall. he says he wants me and thinks theres something between us but “i cant rn” and “idk when ill be ready” is basically all i can get out of him.what fucks with me is he was the one who pushed for more in the first place. he told me he loved me first and he was the one saying we should be more than friends, then suddenly backed off when it started getting serious.so idk if giving him an ultimatum actually changes anything or if im just gonna get the same “i want you but i cant rn” answer again
also probably relevant context, i have bpd so i know attachment/abandonment shit can make it harder for me to judge this objectively. thats partly why im asking other people instead of trusting every feeling i have about it
>>34842950it's your choice. you're at the wheel. if it doesn't seem like he will change, then cut your loses now and move.>>34842940has a valid point. he's using you and you fell for his woe is me story and now forgiving the other baggage he's carrying.if he sees you with someone else, he'll either have to face his problem or find a way to blame you.i'm sure half this board would date you. you got the easy difficulty setting in life for love, so don't make it hard on yourself for no reason.
i know i could find someone else lol thats not really the issue. im just lowk retarded rn and have a hard time believing someone actually wants me, so him wanting me first and then pulling away has my brain doing fucking backflips
>>34842864>were both pretty young That much is obvious>he says he does see something with me, just not rn.Well rn is where you are, so rn he can fuck off>his reasoning is basically that im “too nice” and hes a pos and thinks he’ll end up hurting me.On this part alone, he's right.>hes also still pretty fucked up over what happened with his ex and the pregnancy/abortionNo he's not, he's just a maladapted freak singing himself a sad song to make his dysfunction seem tragically romantic instead of mundane and annoying.>so part of me thinks hes genuinely not readyEven if that's true, see first point.>>34842880This guy is a freak, never let his dick near you.
okay but genuinely, do you think the “im a pos and ill hurt you” shit is actually a warning i should take literally or is he just being dramatic as fuck Lol
>>34842970>could find someone else thats not the issue>hard time believe someone actually wants mejust sign up for a dating app as an experiment for science for a single day even if you delete it after 12 hours.that should be all the validation your retarded ego needs to put in 3 calories to find any other man that wants you. the economics of relationships is so far in your favor. being skinny or white is extra creditthis bruce just wants you for a drug hit so he can return to doing his circus tricks. so stop doing mental back flips to play along with the show.
>>34842976he's being dramatic. if you go into a relationship without some boundaries of what you find acceptable and what you find not acceptable is an invitation for people to be bullies. people naturally test the boundaries and if you act like a carpet they will treat you like one.
>>34842946>being straightforward is gonna be the best dose of medicinenopebeing open and vulnerable is not the move when dealing with a cunt thats all edge he definitely won't change when you're giving him what he wants, sex and attention>>34842950that thing between the 2 of you is his egohe wants to fuck you but you're not good enough to be with>>34842954>>34842970quit smoking potdeal with your cptsddo the self-parenting shitthen find someone worth your time and slow yourself down a bit>>34842976legit warningI basically killed someone with this behaviour
i get what ur saying but getting 50 retards on tinder wanting to fuck me isnt really gonna convince me someone genuinely wants me lol. im skinny white and blonde, i know i can get attention. im just retarded when it comes to relos and actually believing someone gives a shit about me, thats kinda the distinction im struggling with
>>34842990i dont even smoke lol. and ive literally offered to just keep it fwb/casual if he doesnt want anything serious. he doubles down and says no because he sees more with me, just “not rn”. thats why the whole “he just wants to fuck you” explanation doesnt really make sense to me
>>34842976It's both. Dramatic tards like that who treat other people like pawns in their drama will inevitably hurt you, even if it's not in the tragic romantic way they think.When he says this shit, he's playing on your empathy, trying to hollow out your self respect and replace it with concern for his wellbeing like a cuckoo. It's like the final boss of when your fat friend sadfaces at you about how fat she is, waiting for you to say "Noooo, that's not truuuue.">"You're so nice, I'm a pos who'll just end up hurting you"Translation:>You're a nice person, so you should be held to nice person standards. I'm a pos, so I'll be held to pos standards>If you think about it, it's kind of selfish to NOT be hurt by me. Don't you, as a "nice person" have an obligation to help a less fortunate soul like myself?>And when I do eventually hurt you, you'll only have yourself to blame since you knew what you were getting into, I warned you>In fact, maybe I was the "nice person" all along, maybe you're actually the cause of my problems, supplying me with a nice person to hurt and feel guilty over, why do you make me hurt you? You're abusing meThat's how these people operate. Also, if you end up getting sucked in the vortex anyway despite what everyone here's saying, don't waste too much time feeling bad about it, they're good at what they do.
>>34842994you got at least 3 anons giving you attention rn.you need to look for someone else. the more info you're giving, the more you already know the answer to your problem. your own insecurities are what's holding you back rn.its the same advice we give dudes. play the dating app game or find a social circle to be a part of to find other dudes. there's a million out there especially if you're near a city. coworkers, friend of friends, parties/events from friends, hiking, yoga, art, poetry, book club, church, sca, larp, reenactment, sportsball, dating/friends nights, volunteering. these things are hosted on faceberg or meetup. all you have to do is find one that interests you and show up. these events are for people to meet others if you don't want to trial and error on apps.people always downplay social circles but jimbo the neet on steam all day isn't gonna leave his house to find you. discord/online and most the other shit is flake city and low effort fags like your current man child friend.
>>34842994>getting 50 retards on tinder wanting to fuck me isnt really gonna convince me someone genuinely wants me lol.Neither is clinging onto a guy who regularly ghosts you for a week at a time. You're acting like this is an acceptable way to be treated because it affirms your existing insecurity, and expecting better for yourself is scary.
>>34843008i get the warning but isnt there a difference between someone using “im a pos” as an excuse after treating you like shit and someone genuinely backing away beforehand because they think theyre not in a good place to be with you? thats the part i cant tell with him
>>34843013Neither one is relationship material. Both are dysfunctional and will eventually hurt you. And the "I'm a pos, stay away" often BECOMES "I'm a pos, what did you expect?"And he IS treating you like shit. Stringing someone along like this is treating them like shit. If he simply wasn't in a position to be in a relationship and was being responsible about that, you wouldn't be having this dilemma because there'd be nothing going on between you.
>>34843012 fuck i hate that this makes sense lol
>>34843013how long has this been going on?
thats actually a good distinction. if hes not ready why does he keep reopening the door every time i start accepting that
>>34843020about 3 months, the night we met I had left my ex bc he was like texting trannys and shit lol so I kinda just fell for his shit because I was lonely
>>34843026you need to find some way to convince yourself that you're worth more than thisyou've already made it clear that you've lowered your standards to spiritually be with this unavailableyou should be thinking about what's next for you at this point, because you already know the decision with this guy. if you're already convinced they're going to rebuke any future efforts of yours to 'fixing him' and his behaviors, it's definitely over.
>>34843036maybe ive been treating “not rn” like a promise when its really just a no. thats probably whats keeping me stuck
but how do i actually approach it now? do i tell him im done waiting or just unadd him off everything and move on
>>34842829he is a narcissist or BPDbest avoid.think about this. Word love is not important. Actions matter most.What is love for you?WHat does it mean for you when someone loves you?is it ghosting? Is it switching up energies?For me love is safety, stability, trust, consistency, trying to understand, presence, being on same side, communicating, making life easier, support.Dude doesnt love you. he loves only himself. Trust me. Fuck words - observe what they do. Good luck, respect yourself more.
>>34843039you've definitely got the beer goggles on. meeting after a break up and lonely with low self-worth is a recipe for trouble.>>34843043i'm gonna disagree with the other anon because i think you should be straight with him but there's 2 factors here:1) you already soft admitted you're past an ultimatum because you don't think he's gonna change2) you telling him you're going to move on will probably provoke him to become a bit clingy. if you've made your decision, stand by it before he plays anymore games.i would just tell him you want to find someone that's more available, and pin him as what he is if he asks why. just feed his bs back to him and tell him he's a "pos" and "not ready". i mean it's not 1800s jane eyrie where you swore you'd marry after the war so that's more than enough to give.if he becomes obnoxious then unadd him and block.
>>34843043yeah just unadd him
>>34843053i dont think hes lying when he says he loves me. i think im starting to realise that might not actually be enough. i have bpd so my idea of what love is supposed to feel like is kinda fucked anyway lol. i think the ghosting then coming back genuinely fucks with my brain because once hes back its like i forget i just spent a week pissed/hurt over him disappearing and instead it feels almost rewarding that hes back
>>34843057thats kinda where im stuck rn though. hes ghosting me atm so if i message him saying im done theres a decent chance he just wont reply anyway and im basically stuck waiting for him to decide he wants to talk again lol. i still think id rather send something before unadding him so im not doing the exact same disappearing shit back to him, i just have no idea what to say without it sounding needy/clingy or like im trying to bait him into coming back
>>34843064you're allowing yourself to be abused in this situation, and then grateful from whatever sadism you've instilled in yourself from it.going back to this >>34842976you are making yourself a carpet for others to step on. you're feeding his worst behaviors and emboldening them.stop being a retard and have some standards. what you're allowing is crossing a line. it's stupid. it's going to fuck him over by making him think there's people out there that tolerate his bs, and most of all, you're fucking yourself over.if you allow this to happen for years and then bring it up later, he will think you're crazy because you already tolerated it for so long.it's been 3 months of this push-pull shit.when are you gonna call it quits?
>>34843043do whatever is best for you and will provide most relief from the entire circus.I dont advocate treating ppl like shit. But you dont owe him anything, its not a relationship. Its a "situationship" which means - one is being predatorial, and another is being confused.I have a rule "when Im confused, it means the other person is not worth it" And it never lets me down. When someone is 100% into you, they make it easy to understand, they are on your side, margin of error on both side is wide enough (if you like em too) as to allow the relationship to start smoothly.Anything but a clear "yes! Would love to!" is not something Id allow to be standard I expect from ppl I allow to experience my company. Its funny, you think "if I expect more I will habe nobody" that low self esteem voice keeps people in sucky dynamics.Decide what kind of dynamic you want - and do not settle for less - but also bring same stuff on the table yourself.We cannot choose the individuals AND the dynamic - you can either pick to fawn over different dudes or fawn over a type of dynamic. Its better to fawn over dynamic type and wait until a dude that you like physically also offers that energy. THAN to fawn over a dude and hope he changes.
>>34843076okay fair. so if hes ghosting rn would you just send the message anyway, say what i need to say and then unadd him regardless of whether he replies? bc i dont wanna ghost him back but i also dont wanna send some fucking essay begging for a response
>>34843072>the story gets worsethen just say you're had enough of the games (or whatever your piece is) and you're moving on to find another relationship. if he doesn't respond in 12-24 hours (you set the time), you're just going to block him and move on.you can be the time master this time and not him.
>>34843077i think thats probably where ive fucked up. ive been deciding i want him first and then continuously renegotiating what im willing to accept so i can keep him lol
alright ill send him something. ill update you degenerates if he replies or if i puss out lol
>>34843079its fine to say he's got till noon tomorrow to respond or you're going to block him because what he's doing is not a healthy way to treat others.but like i said, if you're moving on, tell him that and stick with the story. don't be a bitch, because he's gonna act like a 60 second romeo.i guess it leaves room for whether you want to be friends or just send a message, end it peacefully and split.the more you share about this, the more it just seems like you should run for the hills.are you even wanting to be friends or is it gonna continue to fuck with your head? i feel like you should say your part, allow him to say his (in a reasonable time of a day max) then move on.this guy may not want to be your bf right now but his dick is in your ear fucking with your brain. situations fucked
>>34843088yeah fair. ill send my part and give him a chance to respond, but im not gonna tell him theres some secret 24hr timer lol. if he ignores it then thats probably an answer in itself. and if he suddenly turns into romeo ill try remember this thread before my brain immediately folds
>>34843064Makes even more sense. BPD women gravitate towards narcissists.Explore BPD + Narcissist and why they are most often the coupling that happens (and makes neither happy)>>34843085its a common mistake people make because nobody taught them differentlyThere would be close to zero toxic dynamics if people cared about dynamics not how hard or wet they get when someone is near them.You kinda have to over ride your primal brain and use your prefrontal cortex. It doesnt mean "he has to be ugly and dry but safe" - it means - "he has to be safe and consistent FIRST, then we can check for how horny he can make me"Its just a Q of priorities, not a Q of ignoring your bodily needs.And if you get off on unsafe and inconsistent - well thats a "you" problem aint it. Thats why when relationships suck and it forms a pattern over time, first person to check is in the mirror. The partner (you choose) is the symptom, not the cause. Usually our family sets up in us patterns of interacting with opposite sex, and we unconsciously carry them into adulthood. And then act victims. But as adult you can re-pattern yourself - and learn to enjoy and allow different dynamics. No need to be reliving your childhood with every man you meet and fall for.
>>34843087dont be a faggot and rely on all of us trying to defend you if you wont even defend yourself. time to become a big girl. he's well and crossed the line.>>34843094tell him he has 24 hours to respond so you're not trapped in his retarded game he has you locked in. i dont really trust you not to unblock him and see if he texted at a later date.if he can't even text you when you ask him to respond in 24 hours, then he's really as pathetic as he's making himself out to be.i'm going to bed. you've gotten more than enough advice in here so anything you fuck up with now is your fault.it's just a text so its easy mode.keep us updated.but stand up for yourself or you won't be able to change your stars.
>>34843095the safe/consistent first thing makes sense. idk about diagnosing some dude youve never met as a narcissist and reverse engineering my childhood from a 4chan thread though lol
>>34843099alright dad fucking hell im sending it. the hard part is gonna be not folding when he inevitably respawns and acts like nothing happened. ill update if he replies
>>34843085That's a very insightful realisation, well done
every bpd girl I dated had massive abandonment issue. The easiest button to push is disappearing. They become putty in your hands with the hook set. You cannot stay around long or she'll wake up and stick a knife in you. They are fun though
>>34843102he said nothing?
>>34843578no hes been active I sent it like 11 hrs ago he viwed my stories im tired n over this im gonna go to bed thanks anyway
>>34843585you moving on then? we're getting the good ending?send us screencaps. don't fall for the black magic.
>>34842864>he says he does see something with me, just not rn.Fuck this guy. People who say this never mean it.What they really mean is that they like taking advantage of you and getting attention from you.>part of me thinks im an idiot for waiting around lolYou're not an idiot, but you are being manipulated.
>>34843612hey I just woke up! what do you want screen caps of? I woke up to 3 missed calls all from 1 am 2 am 3 am but I was asleep so idk what he was expecting
>>34845858what did he say?what did you say back?remember what i said >>34843057>probably provoke him to become a bit clingyhold your guns rn and don't capitulate.
>>34845882update! he has this tiktok account where he like only followed me yesterday some girl viewed my tiktok account and she had his matching bio but idk a few of his friends have it anyway he unfollowed me so hes only like following her on it I just messaged and told him hes a pos and I hope he treats his new girl better and dosent waste her time I just went off on a rant tho idk what to think im so upset
>>34845888what was the timeline here? did he follow you after you brought this up?it looks like he was playing you as a backup while he was shopping around. is the person his ex?at least you got to see who he really was, and you playing nice to him backfired.the best revenge is fixing your own life and not giving him another calorie of your time.
>>34845943yeah I dont know the time line but yesterday he defo had be followed still so idk I think he was trine do some sort of damage control calling me I think he probably added her last night and he got drunk and read my message and realised he fucked up I told him hes a pos
>>34845950what are you gonna do now besides grieve? you're not gonna go running back, right?
>>34845963no lowkey gave me the ice I dont think ill run back he just looks pathetic
>>34845963no lowkey gave me the ice I dont think ill run back he just looks pathetic to me lol
idk why that sent twice hahaha but yeah no I think im done with him
>>34845971>>34845974in your next relationship you should make sure to be kind to the person and not just nice because you feel bad for them and their situation.you got yourself trapped in a bad situation, but it seems like your head is better screwed on now so you can make sure history doesn't repeat itself.like i said, you should be able to find someone else pretty easy. just stop down playing yourself and being your own worst enemy. there's thousands of dudes out there that would be willing to bend over backwards to be with you and not just to get in your pants.
>>34845988lets hope I find one soon !
>>34846018where are you gonna look for someone? they're not gonna just fall out of the sky.
>>34846033I dont know! I dont go out a lot but I do on weekends maybe ill find a nice guy when im out
>>34846082good luck anon.
>>34846105thanks its kinda all hitting me at once and im mad but idk hes just retarded
He's just keeping you for NOW, not forever. When a man really wants a woman he doesn't play this shit. He probably has a side piece or just isn't that into you. Watch this to understand how men value and choose women:https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=n4aMiAesXjE&pp=ygUOSG9lIG1hdGggem9uZXM%3DHe's a bit complainy but this guy explains the quiet rules of dating, and has basically cracked how this shit works for both sexes. He has a lot of good advice for women, too. You should be receiving signs of commitment from a man to know he is good for you, not just whatever he tells you. He says to find a man that likes you and to learn to like the ones that already like you, and not chase what you, the woman, initially likes, when that might be bad long term. Girls tend to let their lust blind them to getting with fuckboys and shit, and repeat that mistake until they get too old to fix it. Careful with the next one.
>>34842864Take his word for it and leave.
>>34845858>I woke up to 3 missed calls all from 1 am 2 am 3 am but I was asleep so idk what he was expectingHe was expecting to either fuck up your sleep by waking you up, or fuck up your morning by having that be the first thing you see on hopes of throwing you into a panicGood on you, OP
this thread is based.perhaps the first time this sewer board gave sensible advice that was actually followed.godspeed OP, may your relationships always be better than this
>>34846501thankyou! I havent messaged since sending a follow up message calling him a pos and telling him I won't deal with it anymore which is good I usually fold and message way more so I feel good just sucky situation
>>34848953it's nice when the OP has grit and willing to go along to fix their situation.
>>34842829And what happened beforeIs it relevant or is it just an excuse
>>34842880So he made it up? >>34842910>know theres a decent chance i wont actually leave because im already attachedI hate womenListen to me please. Get compensated for the car and the hospital visit and cut this guy out of your life
>>34842950>what fucks with me is he was the one who pushed for more in the first place. he told me he loved me first and he was the one saying we should be more than friends, then suddenly backed off when it started getting serious.This is an extremely common manipulation tactic by narcissists. Look up "love bombing" - that's what he did to you
>>34843085>ive been deciding i want him first and then continuously renegotiating what im willing to accept so i can keep him lolCan I ask what made him so appealing that you did this? Because it doesn't seem like he's bringing any value to your life.
>>34849851im in australia so medical bills thankfully aren't a problem, im getting an injury claim/ payout since I was like hurt by another persons negligence
>>34849859im not sure I just met him at a very vulnerable moment I guess and kinda just fell head first into his bs
update I was out last night and saw him, he looked at me and I walked off so im really proud of myself for not trying to talk to him