How do I navigate with my girlfriend who constantly gives toxic people the benefit of the doubt even though these people never change and they keep fucking her over again and again. And it eats away at her and leaves her miserable?How do I navigate that without myself having to distance from her. Even though she's aware of toxic behaviour and is truly aware of basically every trick in the book... Yet still proceeds to give these people the benefit of the doubt, full well knowing how toxic and venomous they are?
>>34847633i'd assess the pros and cons on her behalf. she obviously wants to do this, but you should ask and find out why she wants to (so you can get to if it's really worth the distress it's causing). i'd also add as a con that it's causing you issues watching her do this to herself.through this discussion, your goal is to try and help her come to the conclusion that this does more harm than good instead of you just trying to force it down her throat.at some point, if things don't change, and if you're going to leave her over it, you will have to go the ultimatum route and say you can't live with her watching her subject herself like this.you could also suggest she volunteers at a charity or something else that tries to help people that want to help themselves. like you trying to convince her, knowing she has to be willing to change, if you want an unhealthy person to change, likewise, they have to be open to it.
>>34847674>she obviously wants to do this, but you should ask and find out why she wants toShe said something to the effect of it's in her nature to want to fix other people's problems.She genuinely is a really good person and not spiteful or malicious. I've tried to tell her that these people know this about her and are taking advantage of the fact. Which she knows.>Unrelated but related. Her last relationship failed because her ex wasn't bad, but she has an autoimmune condition that her ex couldn't stand seeing her in pain, and it hurt him seeing her hurt.I don't mind her condition, it's just a reality that some days are painful for her.But I also feel like her ex in the sense that she hurts herself trying to fix straight up evil people
>>34847784if she's empathetic like you're describing her, the best thing you can do is tell her how it is affecting you. a self-sacrificing person is more willing to ignore how something affects them, and will see it in a better life to see how it affects you instead.maybe the reverse psychology will work that way.alternatively, ask if you can implement a cut off point where if she gets too worked up, you can interject, for her to step away from the situation for a bit and come back to it with a more clear head. when i've dealt with a similar situation in the past, i got grounding by telling them worked up people are often unable to come to reasonable remedies to a problem. it's not like they're an emt needing to provide emergency treatment. they can be the doctor that waits for the patient in the surgery room when they're a bit more inebriated.
>>34847806I did tell her that I don't want to see her hurt. We're very open with communication. The thing that trips me is that she has boundaries with me that I respect. But seemingly not with others (I haven't told her that point yet)She reminded me that I told her I admire her level headedness >In every other life situation bar toxic people I guess. I really don't know how many chances to give with HER. It's hard for me cause she's actually worth a damn. But these people that repeatedly hurt her ain't worth shit
>>34848121there's a difference between>I don't want to see you hurt>it's stressing me out watching you get worked up over these people. I can't watch you live like this. i'm losing sleep trying to think of solutions to the problems these people are giving you. blah blah blah however else gay shit it's causing to affect you.your method is what you want for her, while the other is telling her specifically how it is affecting you through her actions. i mean you have to be willing to risk some conflict with her regardless because she may be unwilling to give up taking care of hopeless retards.she may call you selfish but you're here right now posting this thread, so it's obviously having some affect. just trying to brute force change her isn't working, so you have to appeal to her emotions.>boundarieswhat boundaries?
>>34848153>what boundariesIntimate boundaries, you know. Things she doesn't like in the bedroom, I don't do or force upon her.She's very clear about them with me, but seemingly not others
>>34848230>seemingly not clear with others about intimate boundaries in the bedroomwhat the fuck am i reading? is she fucking these toxic people?anon...
>>34848278I meant as in her boundaries are clear with me. But she how's no boundaries with other people
>>34848315i've been in a situation like yours. this sounds like the heart of the issue you're going through right now.it's both a gift (she trusts you to be honest with you) and a curse (she lets others walk over her). it creates a weird catch 22 dynamic.she probably has low self-worth, which is why she has this unusual double standard.you're gonna have to be willing to take a bullet for this, but i'd call her out on it and say it's a bullshit double standard.at this point, it is affecting you, and long term, you might have to leave her for it if she isn't willing to change her behaviors.i don't think there's any easier way to resolve your situation than confronting her about this behavior stemming from her low self-worth. good luck
>>34848382>you're gonna have to be willing to take a bullet for this, but i'd call her out on it and say it's a bullshit double standardDidn't see your message anon, but I did just have an hour long phone call, she did admit that she has low self worth and that this is actually a form of self harm>Never fucking saw it in her. She always seemed assured in herself and her thinking.I did cry. And I told that I don't know how long I can stay with her if she keeps this up. The part that finally made her breakdown is that I don't won't her to do it for me, but herself
>>34847633She's probably anxiously attached. Adam Lane Smith on YouTube has the best guides for dealing with it and getting her to heal.
>>34847633Way too vaguepostYou're girlfriend is doing what exactlyThese people are toxic how exactly
