36M, fond memories until highschool, father disabled veteran, I quit my job and highschool at 16 to help my mother, become an mmo addict, if/when my father dies me and my mother will stick together not too worried. 21 my mother gets terminal cancer, watch her die in an overstaffed shithole, have to decide how she dies, father is abusing pain medication. move into a shit apartment complex, my father has his 6th stroke and dies 6 months after my mother.I am homeless, stay at a friends house turning into a skeleton, not eating, getting panic attacks, Ativan for when it gets really bad. Have a bad panic attack one day, pull my car into a gas station, pass out in the bathroom, wake up in the ER, lifes been hell and they lock my ass up in a mental hospital. A month watching insane shit, 20mg of Lexapro, Abilify and 2mg of ativan a day is the cocktail. They throw my ass on social security and give me a case worker.salvage my life somewhat through my mid 20's have a girlfriend that moves away for school, stay active with a tabletop hobby group, go to the gym a at least once a week, meet some good people that are in my life to this day. Start reducing psych meds but panic attacks are still a problem and become hyper vigilant with insomnia.Around my 30's I started not caring about much anymore, lost a lot of hope I guess, start having trouble driving alone. I am down to 5mg of Lexapro a day and 5mg of Diazepam or so a day but I still have bad panic attacks. Did therapy, got in shape and I kind of just let it all go, live with a friend and his wife on their property and I am the "cool uncle" but I have still been unable to hold down a job due to panic attacks. Many lonely nights where I think of eating buckshot, How much grace should I show myself for what I went through? People tell me I am hard on myself but I don't find any joy in life anymore and I have become a ruined human it seems I mostly just sit around and disassociate and feel guilt.
>>34849669You have people who love you enough to want you by their side. That is more than a lot of people can claim, and as long as you are still breathing you have a shot of getting back up and changing things for the better. I am no expert, but, maybe try and give yourself time to properly grief for your folks so you can put it behind you and move on. Additionally, you should stop blaming yourself for things outside of your control. It is nearly impossible to get a job right now, and the ones available are atrocious and soul crushing, you did not help your mom get addicted, you were a kid who put his all to help dying parents, at a time in which a kid needs all the support he can get. I see a good dude who blames himself for too much. You will get back up, be kinder to yourself.Also, never toy with the idea of suicide. There is no reset button, death only takes away the most precious gift. Remove the idea from your head entirely.
>>34849669Panic attacks over what?
