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I'm 29, always been weird and never had much luck in life due to several difficult circumstances.

At 27, just as I was giving up on the idea of ever finding someone I could love I met a girl for whom I fell in love thinking it was reciprocal.
Ultimately I was led on and ultimately ditched for a close friend who wormed his way in, the only person I've ever managed to love, I could briefly experience what love feels and then it all went away leaving an unspeakable amount of grief. It's been a year and I'm still thinking about both her and him. It does things to one's self-esteem and on top of that I just feel like I'll never experience any of that again, especially as I'm growing old.

I briefly had a kind of energy I never experienced before and now it went away. I've been trying to move on, meet other girls (it's very difficult for me to bond if it wasn't clear already), I started MMA to try to look better and to feel strong and grounded, it's helping me a bit and that's probably the only positive thing in my life.

I love my job but so far it's not giving me a lot and I feel behind compared to my peers, I was able to get a rather important language cert this spring and I'm working on getting a driving licence (another important milestone I previously missed) come September but it never feels like I'm doing enough.

I feel stuck, on top of everything else a few months ago police began an investigation on me due to my political beliefs (living in EU) and I have allegations against me which could turn into a prison sentence.

I don't know what to do, or better it feels like whatever I do is only going to land me in a worse situation. It feels like quicksand, maybe I should have contented myself of existing as the quietly depressed half-neet volcel I was for about a decade.

I'm hurting, I wish I could catch a break and I wish I could find someone again, I had so much love to give, though I'm left without recipient now.

Not envying anyone who'll read this messy post.