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I never had any female attention in my whole life, never had any friend, never experienced any kind of love and lived in a fucked up family, was bullied in my teens etc

Then I meet her 3 years ago. I was 22 she was 19 and we clicked on everything, we had everything in common, same hobbies, we could talk about anything for hours then we eventually started a relationship and it really was exceptional. She loved me deeply, was always showering me with attention, love, care, was always thinking about me etc and on top of that she was an attractive virgin with huge breasts, an hourglass figure etc, the type of girl you see making a living on OF.

And I fucked up everything being suspicious for no reason, being controlling, thinking she was eventually going to betray me or cheat on me one day, freaking out the minute she was talking to some guys in DMs, literally insane shit that somebody with a fucked up nervous system would do.

Then we eventually break up because she couldn't handle it anymore despite making a lot of efforts to satisfy me and make sure I'm comfortable. She was scared to lose me because she loved me so much but I kept pushing it until it was over.

I tried to reconquer her, talk things out, but things went so bad that she lost all the respect she had for me and she doesn't want to see me anymore.

I'm such a fucking bag of shit. I'm now back to square one with 0 things going on in my life. I'm literally nothing. I went to emergencies and they couldn't offer me anything else than benzos.

I tried fucking an escort the other day but sex with a random whore is so fucking shit compared to having sex with a girl that loves you.
I don't know what to do except offing myself