Im starting to think that it's impossible for me to have a long term relationship as an autist.Sometimes a girl will express interest in me, perhaps because of looks(that seems to be the only possibility that makes sense for pre-talking IOIs), but the moment we start talking it quickly fades away.This is systematic.I have a theory that the only type of human being I could genuinely develop reciprocal infatuation for that lasts long would be a similarly ND female. As that is actually the only girl I had a long term thing with but I am not exactly proud of this(it was some long distance online nonsense, I know...).But that only provides more evidence for the fact I am statistically probably not going to get a girlfriend.What is the likelihood a given female I encounter is ND, that I find attractive, that find me attractive, that is compatible to me, that isn't turned off because I'm a fucking dork?It's basically near 0.0001% because all of these categories were already a small percentages.And you have to add the fact that I'm black. I really don't want to make this thread about race but this is obviously a factor. Even if a girl likes dorks, usually her type isn't a man of African descent. These ones will usually want an Asian or a European dork.So think about itP(ND woman) * P(she's attractive) * P(she likes Black men) * P(she finds me physically attractive) * P(she finds my personality attractive) * P(we are compatible) * P(she tolerates dorkiness)That shit has to be damn near 0. Not exactly 0 but pretty damn close. Let's be realNow I understand I can be manipulative and shit to fuck but I'm not talking about short term dealings. I'm talking about getting a girlfriend.(1/2)
It really annoys me when a girl expresses clear interest in me, I decide to pursue her, and then the interest disappears the moment she realizes im a fucking dork. But guess what? The same monotropic hyperfocus I apply to my interests, I end up applying it to girls I'm into. So this bitch really threw the bait at the fish, just to let the fish suffocate on it in the river.I will genuinely like a girl and her traits and start developing attraction but the normalfag wall is always a bottleneck.Every social performance ends up feeling like absolute clownery and I wonder if I should have just stayed alone instead of entertaining that girl. But I can't help it that I like women.(2/2)
>>34898645to preface this lemme say that i'm also autistic and i've had middling success in dating. i've had a meh relationship and been on dates/talking stages with various girls, most of which have fizzled out both on their parts and on my own. i'm not too experienced with dating compared to others though, so take this with a grain of salt.>What is the likelihood a given female I encounter is ND, that I find attractive, that find me attractive, that is compatible to me, that isn't turned off because I'm a fucking dork?if i had to guess i think your problem lies a bit here. i think it's very easy for people, autists or not, to get all worried about wondering "am i right for this person?" in dating when the question you should really be asking is "is this person right for me?" that change in thinking reorients you into realizing that you should be the one you're primarily looking out for. you shouldn't get into a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, you shouldn't continue dates with a girl just because you get dates and sex, you should pursue these things if it's a girl who you really like and click with. not worrying about if you really like the girl and just caring if the girl likes you makes you desperate, which girls hate, and you'll probably be miserable in a relationship if its basis is "well at least i'm not alone." i'm saying this as someone who should have gotten out of my one relationship much sooner.as for the thing about a woman's interest, i don't know, rejection's just part of the game. most girls you ask out will reject you, most dates you get won't extend beyond the first, and most continual dates won't materialize into a relationship. women can seem crazy for you one second and then totally disinterested the next. that's just the way they are, i don't know if they even fully understand why. 1/2
>>34898672a somewhat unrelated piece of advice, but maybe consider dropping the autism label. not that there's anything to be ashamed of, but autism's such a wide spectrum you may find that you attach your identity to a diverse community made up of people who aren't that much like you. that, and also by no longer tying yourself to a diagnosis you appreciate more dimensions to your identity--you see/appreciate yourself as a whole individual, which builds up more confidence. i identified heavily with autism when i was younger, but the older i grow the more i realize the line between neurotypicals and neurodivergents is a lot blurrier than either side likes to think.2/2
>>34898672>if i had to guess i think your problem lies a bit here. i think it's very easy for people, autists or not, to get all worried about wondering "am i right for this person?" in dating when the question you should really be asking is "is this person right for me?" that change in thinking reorients you into realizing that you should be the one you're primarily looking out for. you shouldn't get into a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, you shouldn't continue dates with a girl just because you get dates and sex, you should pursue these things if it's a girl who you really like and click with. not worrying about if you really like the girl and just caring if the girl likes you makes you desperate, which girls hate, and you'll probably be miserable in a relationship if its basis is "well at least i'm not alone." i'm saying this as someone who should have gotten out of my one relationship much sooner.I understand what you are saying but sometimes I do ask myself "is this person right for me?" more so than "do they like me" but it doesn't change the fact the interest fizzles out in the end and I feel like I wasted my time for nothing.In fact it's often because I think they are right for me that I end up pursuing and then feeling like a goof ball.Most recently for example it was that girl I was talking to that I felt was right for me because she was very orderly, disciplined, feminine. I felt like she completed my own disorderly nature and I could build something with her. She was also from a Caribbean family so we had similar backgrounds. Well maybe she don't count here because she did tell me she had OCD but OCD isn't considered a neurodevelopmental disorder so I don't know. But yeah I felt some good "chemistry" between us. She was wifey material to be honest. Goddamn.And at first she was giving me pretty high interest too.But then it fizzled out.I'm getting tired of this shit.(1/2)
>>34898672>>34898777I honestly would have preferred that girl to tell me to fuck off sooner. Instead she threw the bait and I am now suffocating on it in the river having to comes to terms with the fact that will amount to nothing.And it's not the rejection itself that hurts me but moreso the fact that I developed attachment over time AND I allowed myself to feel exposed. I understand you have to expose yourself to develop a relationship but for reasons related to childhood to me that shit feels extremely expensive so I usually do not expose myself. But I sacrificed part of my vulnerability, removed the mask a bit, and now she is gone with it like a thief as someone I cannot trust and will never see ever again. I know I sound like I'm bitching but it's frustrating anon.>as for the thing about a woman's interest, i don't know, rejection's just part of the game. most girls you ask out will reject you, most dates you get won't extend beyond the first, and most continual dates won't materialize into a relationship. women can seem crazy for you one second and then totally disinterested the next. that's just the way they are, i don't know if they even fully understand why. I understand it's a numbers game for everyone but it does feel to involve even more scarcity for me for reasons related to my neurotype amongst other things.(2/2)
>>34898684>a somewhat unrelated piece of advice, but maybe consider dropping the autism label. I just say autism because it's the quickest way to somewhat describe the inherent traits I believe are causing me these problems without writing too much, which, I have a tendency to write too much.>not that there's anything to be ashamed of, but autism's such a wide spectrum you may find that you attach your identity to a diverse community made up of people who aren't that much like you. Yes that's true.>and also by no longer tying yourself to a diagnosis you appreciate more dimensions to your identity--you see/appreciate yourself as a whole individual, which builds up more confidence. I don't really identify with autism on a day to day basis. The word autism is just an efficient way for me to describe the characteristics that fuck me up in this specific context of dating. I could have written that thread without using the world autism but it would have had 5 parts. With "autism" I give a concise idea for most of my challenges that people will immediately understand and/or relate to. If there are confusions or nuances I can clear them up later.Before "autism" I just knew I was "weird" since that's what people would call me. I spent most of my childhood in a third world country so I was not aware I was eligible for that label until much later. But I always knew I was "weird". They told me that>i identified heavily with autism when i was younger, but the older i grow the more i realize the line between neurotypicals and neurodivergents is a lot blurrier than either side likes to think.I am the contraryI didn't even know what autism as a kid. I just knew I was "weird" and felt that invisible wall between me and othersBut I understand. I have friends who are NT that I see as my brothers and relate to heavily. Still, based on my experience I feel it is more likely for me to be in a long term relationship with a girl that's ND than the other way around, in general
>>34898684>>34898786And I will add>Still, based on my experience I feel it is more likely for me to be in a long term relationship with a girl that's ND than the other way around, in generalBeyond experiencesI think it's fair to say it would be easier to be authentic and mutually appreciated understood with a partner who is also neurodivergent.In general, although I understand "it's a wide spectrum".I don't think I can use my relationships with NT male friends as a proxy. Romantic relationships with members of the opposite sex are different.Men tend to be more direct so even as an autist struggling with uncertainty and shit it's easier to make a male friend and relate to them for other reasonsWomen on the other hand, and I understand it's a generalization, it seems like they tend to be a lot more subtle and covert with shit. There is implicit pacing, flirting, social context inference and social rhythm involved in the early phase of a romantic pursuit which makes it completely different and creates an automatic compatibility filter for "autists" because your response to all that subtle implicit shit plays into how attractive will be perceived and an autistic person usually is gonna be worse at this shit. Now you may say that my actual problem is to care about this (i.e "thinking about "am I right for someone" instead of "are they right for me"). But when I discuss these things I'm not saying that as something I actually pay attention while talking to girls. I'm just describing what I think(I may be wrong) about the process behind a repeated pattern and how it plays into what I'm saying here. And although I do agree that psychologically, worrying about the outcome and what she thinks about you much more than what you think about her will be a detriment to your dealings with women as it exhibits low confidence and is "bitch made", i do think it's fair to discuss in the context of investigating a pattern of disappointments
I'm not really any of this but I want you to know that I unironically found a quiet, "Christian" (Ally of God), tradwife, virgin at work when I was also a virgin at 28. I genuinely won the lottery. We're still together, engaged, and let me tell you from one autist to another it's literal hell. You're used to being single and true happiness is something only you can provide for yourself. Whatever the fuck you're rambling about is insane just make yourself happy and buy a fleshlight. Ironically after I stopped chasing women, a bunch of women started being interested in me cuz I wasn't always trying to fuck. I emotionally cheated on my girl with my buddy's cousin and we even started sexting each other and were sending each other private videos but I felt so guilty I'd break my girl's heart I just dropped it altogether. Also did crack with a filipino girl and she gave me head at our job's parking lot because for some reason she was suddenly interested in me too. Then tiddyfucked a vietnamese girl I met at a different job but it was rebound sex from her ex dumping her so whatever all I'm trying to say that it legit happened to me at 28 (6 years ago?) and I'm still miserable because this is a genuinely great woman that I begged the lord for and now I'm settling with her so she isn't sad. Just find your own happiness.
>>34899201>and let me tell you from one autist to another it's literal hellOf course it is, you married the next best rando who was waving a bunch of red flags on top. Any woman with your gfs profile is likely low drive, suffocatingly clingy and expects to get catered to in a relationship. You let yourself get psyopped by internet larpers into this whole trad garbage, when no reasonable man with real life experience of women would seriously consider such a chick.>now I'm settling with her so she isn't sadSo in order to "spare" her some momentary and inevitable hurt, you are slam dunking both of your long term happiness until you either live with quiet resentment of each other or have a messy divorce. Great job bud. You#re not an "autist", you're just retarded and had your brain cooked by tiktok influencers.
>>34898645Ever seen the movie Being There? If you are truly that autistic you can walk right into the situation and not realize what the fuck is going on.
>>34898645I'm not sure how much actual advice I have, but I'm diagnosed ASD, and I do have a lovely partner. I'm an oldfag; we've been together 14 years, now. So it is possible. She isn't autistic, and I am certainly not tall, rich, good-looking, or fit.I guess I can say that, approaching my 24th birthday, I was a full-blown khhv incel. What allowed me to escape from that was partly the very gradual realisation (over years!) that everything I thought I knew about women and what they want was wrong, but mostly learning to convincingly simulate confidence. If you come across as confident, and you're reasonably entertaining company, it's actually not difficult to attract women; what puts them off is awkwardness and visible low self-esteem.
>>34898645>ND femaleNon-Disclosure female?
>>34898672>i've been on dates/talking stages with various girlsThis is good news!
>>34898645I typically use roofies and a rope.All my girlfriends like it.
>>34900084can't tell if this comment is sarcasm or not but i'm not op, dates/talking stages that go nowehere is just part of the game>>34899201yeah while i didn't have a tradwife i was pretty miserable like you when i actually got in a relationship. i'm not sure if it was cause of the girl or if it was just me being genuinely miserable in relationships. it may be the latter honestly. i do seem to be the happiest if i'm single with no pussy in sight
Women are just a matter of skill and experience. They will never fit into the more complex "meaningful" parts of life
>>34899201Not op but I have a torso sex doll and it doesn't come anywhere close to having sex with a girl. There is no feedback, no tension, no dominance with a piece of TPE.
Try enjoying life OP.
>>34898645i could easily see you finding a cute and nerdy black female counterpart. if being neurodivergent brings you a lot of stress i think you should just disclose that on your dating profile or as soon as possible. just be honest that your communication style might take a little bit of getting used to. since you're not having success you should start changing the way you approach dates and take risks since there isn't much to lose anyway. be your dorkish self right on the first date and don't try to conceal it, there's no point
>>34902516>cute and nerdy black femaleThese only like white guys just fyi
>>34903758CopeI also had a nerdy black gf at some point in my life as a black man.
>>34899201wait what so what was the problem? >I won the lottery!>I'm miserable and I cheat on her>???
>>34898684How do you do this? My autism diagnosis has always been like a dark stain that prevents me from being able to like myself at all because it's proof that I've always been and always will be inferior to normal people. >autism's such a wide spectrum you may find that you attach your identity to a diverse community made up of people who aren't that much like youThis part is true, I've hated every other autist I've ever met. I feel too weird for normies and too normal for other autists. Autistic people are usually either awkward or annoying.
>>34898645The attractive guy i know who maybe has light aspergers has none of the cringe you describe. Talking to him and being around him, hes just a really attractive hot guy.
>>34898645picrel is the kind of shit my ex would say to me and then she cheated on me
