This is a long post but i feel there is much to unpack. I'm (male) atm. making exit plans dated for the 25th of this month. A week after my gf's niece's birthday.Short story of what has been going on. We are both in our late 30s, the relationship has gone on for 9 years. We have had a lot of issues, and i admit a lot of them have been from me.First change in the situation was 5 years or so ago, she started to have this urge that we should put our trash in one of the sinks in the kitchen. At the end of the day or two she made a trashbag and i took it out. Then the time between her making the trashbags got longer and longer... Sometimes she actually cleaned everything up but that has been years now, maybe 2 or 3.Slowly that situation evolved into something much worse. Now there are multiple trash piles in the apartment, especially in the kitchen and bathroom. Papers and newspapers are scattered around. Both sinks (kitchen and bathroom) have been unusable for almost a full year now, and even basic maintenance (like fixing a broken bathroom light) feels impossible because the apartment is in such a state that we can’t realistically invite anyone in. The light in the showerroom, that hasn't worked for a year, also is special and an electrician is needed to change it(it's not just a lightbulb i can change alone). So we use a type of forehead light when we operate there.I wash the dishes using a handwashing bowl and the shower faucet. When i talk about cleaning it all up by myself, she gets angry. Says she must be the one to do it, and she might get a nervous breakdown if i did something to it. I do small, mainly logistic fixes every now and then but even they get her anxious.I’ve adapted to functioning in this environment, but I feel a lot of shame and discomfort about it too. If I had a free choice, I would never live like this.
She has at times said that this trash situation is a thing to her cause she gets a sense of control in a relationship that has often because of me felt uncertain to her, especially during the period when I was exhausted and emotionally withdrawn. I can understand that perspective, and I do feel deeply responsible. There is always talk of her cleaning the place when she has more time and energy, but her work and our ongoing problems leave her drained. I understand that too, but this has been the pattern for a long time. And i'm tired of understanding this. If i don't do something radical we will be in the same situation for the next 10 years too.We have had the same type of conflicts for years. Usually they go like this>she gets triggered from something that has happened, usually cause i have made a mistake or that she perceives as a mistake>i don't "own up to it" or apologize properly>this makes her angrier/more anxious>i distance myself emotionally (i am not a fully diagnosed autistic person but that's where my last diagnosis was going, 12+ years ago, but i foolishly ended the process midway cause i got a job.), tell her to calm down or ask her to stop repeating herself>she gets angrier and amps up her communication, i lessen mine. She perceives this as arrogance and gets angrier>This continues like this anywhere from half an hour to multiple hours, depending on "how much time we have available".>If i defend myself or try to explain myself the situation escalates.
During the last year the conversations and conflicts have evolved. She got the idea from Instagram that i'm a narcissist and she has further strengthened that belief by reading discussions about it and asking the Google AI questions that usually lead to an answer something in the lines of: "yup, he is a narcissist or narcissistic." After that she has switched her understanding of our situation in a direction that is even less productive:>every argument quickly evolves into her questioning my morality, motivation and ability to be a productive member of the workforce (which i'm right now actively trying to get back into, from a really bad standpoint). Where she shoots accusations and criticisms at me.>If i shut down and don't want to take part in a "conversation" i'm arrogant>if i leave the apartment cause i get so anxious after asking her to stop, it's an attempt at domination and control>if i finally get angry after such a conflict going on for hours, i'm getting a narcissist meltdown and emotionally abusing her
I've tried to make sense of the situation by keeping notes and writing my thoughts and feelings down. At this moment i'm at the point of... whatever is exactly going on in this relationship, whoever started what, and no matter what i actually am (as far as diagnoses are concerned) i don't want to continue this relationship. But i can't just straight up tell that to her cause previously, every time i have tried talking to her about the possibility of breaking up, she has always talked me out of it. So my best plan is to one Friday just tell her the relationship is over and we can talk later about the exact details, and after that i will leave to my parents' place where i will (this time around) tell them also that the relationship is over and that i need their help to navigate the situation. (Or something like that) She feels i owe her because she has gone to work for years while i have stayed at home. I fully intent to find a job and move to somewhere where the living costs are lower, so i can in return give her the option to drop out of work instead. Obviously she is mentally in a pretty bad shape and she has other health issues too.Oh yeah... and to top all that of she has started to plan a cottage trip for the winter. So i have zero idea how i'm going to operate if she starts making reservations for it. She already got tilted this morning when i couldn't give her an instant okay for it. "Oh, so we aren't together then?"
I asked for advice here 4 months ago and it helped me out a lot. Since then i have done a lot of mental work to get where i am. Back then breaking up seemed impossible. Now i'm at the state of mind that i'm just gonna dive into it and hope for the best. I've somewhat made peace with the fact that she won't take it well, but it is what it is. I've lost any hope of being able to do a "charisma check" and talk to her in a way that she understands and accepts. That's what i thought previously, essentially making the actual end of the relationship tied to whether she was okay with it or not. (She never would have been.)And i have a lot of arguments ready for if i have to somehow explain myself to my relatives or friends. Just a few examples of things and situations that i never again want to take part in. But i'm going to use them only if the situations demand it. I have zero interest in getting into the same type of debates about breaking up that i have had with my gf for years, this time with an audience.I'm hoping that getting my parents involved this time around will help my gf understand that this is over instead of starting yet another debate about this.
You're both are lazy shits. Clean up your living space.
>>34903018Good for you for keeping notes or a diary, that really helped me leave. I think your plan is good. Now that you have reachee the point of knowing she isn't changing, the decision is just when to leave. I also recommend blocking her calls so that she cannot talk you back into the relationship
>>34903010>I'm (male) atm.I don't like where this one is going
>>34903049Can't do it alone and she hasn't had the energy or time to do it after work. It's been like that for years. She is basically a state 2 hoarder. That's how the apartment looks. Her own apartments kitchen is unusable at this point. >>34903078>Good for you for keeping notes or a diary, that really helped me leaveYeah, it has helped me put into words a lot of the stuff that i have been feeling and really seeing what is actually happening. It's not just a repeating storm from which to recover from, confused. >Now that you have reached the point of knowing she isn't changingIt's more like i should change to a certain extent, and i am aware that i can't, i've tried to do that for years. This has had some. negative effects on my health also. >the decision is just when to leave. I also recommend blocking her calls so that she cannot talk you back into the relationship. Sadly the exact logistics are such that when we breakup i should still drive her to work for like a few months, or until i find a job. Otherwise she has to quit cause she can't go to work without a car(she doesn’t have a driver license. Furthermore, about 90-95 % of the clutter in my apartment is her stuff and she gets a fit if i touch them. If i just cleaned the place up alone she would probably lose her mind.
>contSo yeah. Obviously the recommendation in situation like these would be to move the other persons stuff behind their back (while they are at work), leaving a note and then going no contact. But i am unable to do that. The best i can do is to drop her to my apartment after her work day is done, send her a message that the relationship is over and i want her to move back to her own apartment at the end of the weekend so she should pack her essential things ready for that. And then i'll leave to my parents place. i'll be away for the weekend, and after that i'll come back to my apartment (where she still is) with the plan that if she does anything else than to agree to move back to her place in the span of 1 or 2 days (her apartment kitchen is unusable, maybe she can clean it up in a day or 2) then i'm going to go back to my parents and the next time she will see me i'll come back with backup.It's hard but some communication is basically demanded because of the situation. I just have the put clear boundaries to that.
>>34903152kek
>>34903186I'm very sorry anon, but your plan is doomed to failed. You have to keep driving her to work after you break up? She's just going to use that time to convince you to stay together AND she will have zero incentive to get a drivers license because being dependent on you for transport is her way back inIf you want to go through with this, you need to first set up the logistics for a clear break. Is there anyone else who could drive her? Coworker? Relative? Anyone who isn't you? On the apartment and hoarding, I think that one is easy to solve. You go to your parents for a week and tell her to clean all her stuff out of your apartment. If she doesn't, you'll clean it for her and dump it at her place
>>34903331>You have to keep driving her to work after you break up?The planned boundary is that any extra talk isn't okay, when i do that. If she doesn't respect that then other people will be involved. >If you want to go through with this, you need to first set up the logistics for a clear break. Is there anyone else who could drive her? Coworker? Relative? Anyone who isn't you?Not really, no. Maybe someone can get her when her shift ends. But nobody is gonna take her there. >On the apartment and hoarding, I think that one is easy to solve. You go to your parents for a week and tell her to clean all her stuff out of your apartment. If she doesn't, you'll clean it for her and dump it at her placeShe doesn’t have the energy for it after work, and i do get that. I'm thinking of there being clear rules when she has access to the apartment and that's when she can do her cleaning, or something like that. And there is a deadline to that. And me telling my parents that the relationship is over should basically settle the matter. I do hate the idea that i have to get them involved but at this point i don't see there being any other option left.
>>34903184Ur a pussy just start lol wtf
>>34903010Unrelated to you sorry to hear your story I hope it works out:When I read this I just imagine that every fucking girl with simps online on Keizaal online (the Skyrim RP server) are older people with heaps of trash in their house who are just in total escapism and avoidance mode, I swear to god those people aren't functional and in game they are. It's so obvious to me that people who play these life wasting RP servers across multiple communities, they're all living in squalor with so many issues, being perfect in game and farming attention, but actually having a really bad irl living situation
Bumping with a pic from the old thread to keep this one alive
Morning bump
I ain't got shit to help you anon, but I want to wish you luck. The sink/trash thing really sounds like obsessive compulsive disorder of some kind that grew into outright hoarding. You are justified.
>>34903184>i should still drive her to work for like a few monthsI agree with the other anon that this kind of thinking will be your doom. No you don't have to drive someone who's ruining your life to work every day. Or any day. You don't have to interact with her at all, and you shouldn't.Most importantly, she is an adult and you are not responsible for her. Her fits are HER problem, not yours and it is not your duty to structure your decisions around them.I don't believe you will succeed in fixing your life until you accept these facts.
>>34905886Thanks>>34905910>I agree with the other anon that this kind of thinking will be your doom. No you don't have to drive someone who's ruining your life to work every day. Or any day. You don't have to interact with her at all, and you shouldn't.Well i can't just cut her out, i need to help and be able to look back and think that whatever happens, at least i did enough. >Most importantly, she is an adult and you are not responsible for her. Her fits are HER problem, not yours and it is not your duty to structure your decisions around them.I feel responsible deeply. So if something happens i need to be able to look myself in the eye after that and know i did enough. If i just go no contact and basically force her to quit her job on a days notice i won't feel like that. There has to be a period when i still help her, especially if i am still unemployed, might as well drive her to work then. Obviously if i find a job i'll start helping her less, quicker. >I don't believe you will succeed in fixing your life until you accept these facts.Let's hope you are wrong. I think the mental work i have made during the last 4 months will get me through this. I am prepared, and i also refuse to take party in anymore debates that i have to win in order for the relationship to be over. That's one of the boundaries.
>>34906209Brother, if you just HAVE to feel like you've done enough then fine help her. I don't agree with it. in fact, I think you're dumb as a stone.But you need to clearly define a hard and fast line for what "enough" means. Then go that far and no further.
>>34906260>But you need to clearly define a hard and fast line for what "enough" means. Then go that far and no further.°That’s a crucial part of the plan, yes. A boundary and no overstepping it.
>>34903010The only solution is to pack up and leave when she's elsewhere. Then break up with her by snail mail after sending yourself a copy. Always have witnesses.
>>34906351Yeah. Well there is so much stuff that i can't just pack everything up when she is away. And what do you mean with snail male? Postcard?
You just have to get out as soon as possible. The longer it goes the worse it gets. I was in a long relationship (about 5 years) with someone and I got no personal space whatsoever in those 5 years. Every single day I was expected to text them all day and if I didnt answer within 10 minutes exactly it started this huge fucking fight cause this person got mad they werent getting the 24/7 attention they were craving. Some people might say that kind of attention is desirable but I found it extremely frustrating and annoying to put up with. I cut it cold turkey, saying I have to work on commitments to my family, blocked their number and all their accounts and never looked back. Havent heard a thing from them since.Now I've arrived at the point where I just dont think relationships work for someone like me. I have no desire to put up with another person and have them clung to me all the time. I value my solitude and I am never comfortable around other people. Being alone is the only time I feel safe and comfortable. I don't think I'm going to get in another relationship.The longer you stay the harder it gets to leave. I wanted to leave my relationship for almost 3 years before I finally did it. It gets harder because you start second guessing yourself and thinking youre and evil person for feeling that way, so you stay and it just gets harder to leave.
>>34907899>You just have to get out as soon as possible. The longer it goes the worse it gets.Yeah. I know.>I was in a long relationship (about 5 years)...>I got no personal space whatsoever in those 5 years.>Some people might say that kind of attention is desirable but I found it extremely frustrating and annoying to put up with.Yeah. Well that's the big thing, how it actually feels to you and if you are willing to put up with it. That's a big thing>I cut it cold turkey, saying I have to work on commitments to my family, blocked their number and all their accounts and never looked back. Havent heard a thing from them since.Nice. I'm glad it worked out for you. How did it all feel during and after? How did you deal with what followed?
>>34907899>Now I've arrived at the point where I just dont think relationships work for someone like me. I value my solitude and I am never comfortable around other people. Being alone is the only time I feel safe and comfortable. I don't think I'm going to get in another relationship.Yeah. It's kind of like that for me too, like, i don't mind people but i need time to just be alone and do my own things (various projects) to... "regenerate". And extra alone time has been way too hard to schedule because of how things have been for years. I'm just so tired of having to negotiate stuff like that. And either my gf just has zero hobbies and interests, or she is just too tired after work to do anything special. But the results are the same. And i get so tired from all the constant conflicts that i have been neglecting my family and friends a lot, for years. And i don't like it. Feels like life has just been passing me by for a long time. >The longer you stay the harder it gets to leave. I wanted to leave my relationship for almost 3 years before I finally did it. It gets harder because you start second guessing yourself and thinking youre and evil person for feeling that way, so you stay and it just gets harder to leave.Yeah. Don't i fucking know it. I've been wanting to leave for like 5 years but every time i try to have that talk she negotiates me out of it. She guilt trips, shames, cries, and finally threatens. And gets extremely distraught. But i have accepted that too, to a level now. All this feels already bad enough for me alone, i shouldn't have to take the burden of her feelings and her unability to deal with them on my heart and mind too, not anymore. And just cause something hurts, (breaking up with a person i still have a lot of good moments with) doesn't mean it isn't the right call, when there is just much bad present, ever week.
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>>34907736It's all goddamn junk. You really don't want to leave your past behind if you insist on clinging to all the piles of junk you've accumulated together. If you lack willpower, find a male friend IRL who is willing to intervene on your behalf and put it to her straight. This is what we are going to do, and I couldn't care less what you think about it. The problem being that you would still side with her over him when she has a meltdown over not being catered to. That's what these kind of women will do, feign desperation and self-sabotage in order to manipulate you into "rescuing" her once again. Congrats, now you're back to square one.
>>34910550>It's all goddamn junk. You really don't want to leave your past behind if you insist on clinging to all the piles of junk you've accumulated together.90 % of it is her stuff. I can't just throw it out or do much to it. But i have at least later tried to put my own stuff in better order but all the clutter makes it hard. Everything is going to be ordered so that i will at least know where my stuff is and in what kind of storage it will fit. I'm trying to look what's actually something i could just throw away from my own belongings. Yeah there is actually a lot of stuff to remove there. I'm trying to lessen the amount i actually have stored so moving will also become easier. I'm not going for full digital nomad mode but having all my stuff basically fit in one car will make the next phase of the plan a lot of easier. That being moving to somewhere where i can live cheaper and find work better. >The problem being that you would still side with her over him when she has a meltdown over not being catered to.Well i do get why she feels the things she does. But i won't be be taking her side. Like, her stuff needs to be cleared in a reasonable amount of time and there will be a deadline to that. I can't live like this anymore. >That's what these kind of women will do, feign desperation and self-sabotage in order to manipulate you into "rescuing" her once again. Congrats, now you're back to square one.Feigned or real. I won't be doing what i have done during the previous times. There's a date now and clear boundaries that will be put in place.
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