>>34906142
also the reason I mention the women part on top is because many of you just focus on women a lot and blame yourself for your romantic failures. Many of the times it's just you were emasculated or treated like shit throughout your life that your nervous system is literally running on fumes. You're an anxious piece of shit because its what you were being molded into by those around you. If you want to be happy and attract women, it also means cutting the baggage and letting the rotten go. You can't grow a tree in a toxic wasteland

File: 1563921963023.jpg (80 KB, 450x450)

80 KB JPG

I'll give you a couple of tips. I've kinda been on both sides of the fence. Alone, virgin, basically until the same age as you. After that i was trying my best to make the relationship work for 9 years, but i failed a lot and often and the faults and issues that i had going into the relationship affected everything slowly to a point where i have just been wishing for it to end for years, only know finding some semblance of strenght to do what you are doing in a way: leaving. So i've have seen it what it's like, and done a lot of mental work just to fix myself into a person who can leave, and it wasn't easy. Now, it's a rare ability to learn from some other persons mistakes so you don't have to do them again. But here goes anyway. Some of this might be something you already know but here it is anyway...

>Why be stuck financially bailing out an emotionally manipulative whore?
>why not just.. GTFO and rebuild my life out there?
>So that's what I did. I'm settling things here for when the time I have to leave, I don't get chased.

This is a fine plan. But i must advice you in just seeing others as a problem. Yes it's true that your mother clearly has had a negative effect on you. That is easy to understand. But some of the blame is also on you also. In my mind it's better to look at things in a causal kind of way. Like
>Okay, my mother did Y and X And that lead to me to be like this, and perhaps act like this with other women. Looking back i see that that wasn't an effective way, what then would be a better way to do things? (Also notice it was you who was still doing the things you did. You have your reason for doing it like that but it was still you)
Go into the meta of it all. Really try to look at everything from a type of onlookers perspective. Kinda own up to it. But don't jus wallow in it. Be like:
>Okay. That didn't work. I'll try something different.
And if that doensn't work, try getting a fresh perspective to it.

>>cont

Here's something that made my alarms go off. Cause what happened to me, started in a pretty similar way. Now, a lot of what you wrote here is technically alright, but there is a possible huge mine in there, that might go off at some point.

>I'm 27. I'm a virgo. But I've been romantically involved with women...
>the reason I mention the women part on top is because many of you just focus on women a lot and blame yourself for your romantic failures.
>you were emasculated or treated like shit throughout your life
>nervous system is literally running on fumes.
>you were being molded into by those around you.
>f you want to be happy and attract women, it also means cutting the baggage and letting the rotten go. You can't grow a tree in a toxic wasteland
>Why be stuck financially bailing out an emotionally manipulative whore? Why do I have to accept being her substitute of her husband when she drove everyone away? why larp the unhappy toxic couple environment for 20 plus years?

Cutting the baggage and letting the rotten go is a good way to look at it. And it's a good call to leave a toxic relationship. But you might end up with a woman who isn't good for you, and this might be

A. Because she was intentionally hiding who she is or was unsure about herself

B. You were hiding or unsure who you actually were

C. You were unconsciously looking for a certain type of person (as was your partner) to be with that actually wasn't a good fit for you. Like for example, at the end of the day you still had your reason to have your mother be a part of your life as long as you did, don't get into a situation where you essentially get into a relationship with your mother. But if you find yourself in that situation, course-correct again. Self-reflect and try again.

Oh. And if you have a type of arrogance to you, as i did, try to lessen that. It will make life way easier

>>cont

Finally. This is a type of meta advice on calibrating yourself into a machine that works better.

I have personally found great power in writing my thoughts and feelings down. What happened and why i felt like that? "The everyday". That's the first point. Keep a diary with dates and times when something special has come up or just how your day has gone and what you where happy or disappointed about.

Then you move to the Second Point. "The Follow-Up." You read your notes, often right after you have written them down and you question your actions and words. Come back to them later. Why am i doing x or y? What did i mean when i said this?

Then you get to Point Three. Where you make three versions of yourself based on your notes, first is the right now (I Am), the stuff you think and do daily. The second is the thing you will be in the future (Will Be) if you keep doing the same things you are doing right now. And then the third is the potential you want to find and have become a part of you(Could Be).

Now, you don't have to make your entire life about this process. I don't either. It's something you can drop in and out off when you feel the need to do so, it's basically a tool you can use to figure out what kind of person you are and want to be, and then you calibrate your actions in a way that the "Will Be" and "Could Be" line up as well as possible. In theory, it should help you to become more self-aware of your "negative actions" so you can calibrate them into ones that help you better. And self-awareness is the key that helps you stop making the same mistakes, or even the first mistakes of their kind.

SEAMaxx.. pro tip avoid heat

>>34908820
>>34908823
>>34908825
Genuinely appreciate your input here.
>But some of the blame is also on you also

I'll be honest with you. Yes, there's some blame that falls on me, but how was I supposed to know any better with all I've been through? I've sat down to self reflect these days, and honestly, a lot of what's wrong with me, comes from a lot of trauma and baggage I've been given since ages 3.

To you and to everyone I can say: I was genuinely abandoned and abused. I don't like mentioning this irl and holding the victim card; partially because I was gaslit into believing a 4 year old deserves to be abused/neglected and it was my fault; partially because I don't like opening up to other people, as they immediately see you as "tainted" or inferior for what I went through.

I won't list everything, but I am 99% sure I have C-PTSD, and BPD. My very first memory was my father screaming and beating my mom, as I hid behind the door, before he stormed out of the house and left. K-12 was a nightmare: I was abused mentally, physically, sexually for being suspected of mental retardation and ASD. Fists landing on my face, a pair of hands shoving my teeth to the dirt in the school yard, my clothes and bags getting peed on, people who fondled my genitalia, mean girls who cornered me to lock lips with then humiliate me..

Whenever I spoke out, I was never believed, but it's ok I guess those were my early years, not like the later years were any better.

Up until lately I've been very afraid of intimacy and relationships. Despite that, I did manage to get into some relationships, but as you said, because of my anxiety, my co-dependence, I hurt these partners, and ruined the relationships.

Everything in terms of close ones was short lived. I learned never to take them for granted. Some day they're not gonna be there any longer and you'd wish you could've told them how much you cared, or appreciated them. Lesson learned.

(1/3)

>>34911476
(2/3)

Do I hate my parents? No, but I've come to terms that, with all the neglect, the toxic environment, the narcissistic mentality around the house, me being the black sheep of the family, I've come to accept that remaining somewhere where I'm not happy, where I always feel insecure and anxious, where I can't help but feel resentment for all that they could've done; it was going to continue stunting me.

Those who you found relatable, are no longer there, and those who are in your life as even acquaintances.. you come to accept, they help you understand the moments of envy you feel towards them: They're not relatable, they have better lives, so your mind asks: "Why me? Why didn't they suffer like me?"

Envy, depression, inferiority complex, insecurity: a few of those emotions take the wheel. They spring forward when I see with my own eyes, what was taken from me, being a birth right to others, a privilege. You genuinely start growing ugly from being trapped in this mindset. I've become aware of this and know, I must learn to appreciate the little things in life, while also building something new, apart of the old environment I lived in for decades. Now comes the time as you say, to dive deep within and look at my own flaws and judge myself.

>Cowardly
>Insecure
>Emotionally unstable
>Always on the brink
>Very intense, very easy to piss off
>Mercurian attitudes
>Hates to be proven wrong
>Obsessed with finding the one
>Ungrateful

A few of my most prominent flaws that I've been writing down.


>But you might end up with a woman who isn't good for you, and this might be

Yeah, this has happened more times than I'd like to admit. I'm grateful they actually revealed their true nature much earlier to me, but I'll always have to remain paranoid (I can't help but be paranoid, controlling)

>You were unconsciously looking for a certain type of person (as was your partner) to be with that actually wasn't a good fit for you

Has happened a lot, yes.

>>34908825
(3/3)

Journaling yes. I used to do it but never got down the habit. Now that I'm starting over, I'll try to stick to it this time. I never was one to write down my thoughts but rather just speak to the audio recorder and ramble about my day, but I do see the value now that I'll be out there alone, where I have to be better.

1

>>34911476

Okay. Damn. Well, i get what you are saying and yes that does change a lot of what i said there as far as there being blame on you. I'm sorry to hear that
Clearly your background has affacted you and that is understandable. I had no idea how rough you had it.


>How was I supposed to know any better with all I've been through? I've sat down to self reflect these days, and honestly, a lot of what's wrong with me, comes from a lot of trauma and baggage I've been given since ages 3.

Yeah. With all that, let's say negative input, it's easy to become molded by it. And it's understandable. At least you have self-awareness. That's like a superpower to the underdog. A lot of people who have an easier upbringing don't have that. They don't see "the meta", they can go through life in a really superficial way and don't have much empathy or understanding for other people.


>gaslit into believing a 4 year old deserves to be abused/neglected and it was my faul

This sounds like a really logical thing to think. Your brain was essentially trained to think like that. A childs authority figure (your parents) tell you that for years, why wouln't you believe it? It's all you have ever known.


>My very first memory was my father screaming and beating my mom... a pair of hands shoving my teeth to the dirt in the school yard...

That's horrible. Nobody deserves that.


>Up until lately I've been very afraid of intimacy and relationships

Well it's a process, the betterment of self, at least you have a good tool for it. You seem to know what has happened and what's goin on, so you can improve your life. You aren't just an animal going through the motions on instinct. That's what i think some people with less self-aweness are like. And that's not to dunk on animals or people like that. It just is what it is.

2

>>34911490
>Do I hate my parents? No, but I've come to terms that, with all the neglect, the toxic environment, the narcissistic mentality around the house, me being the black sheep of the family, I've come to accept that remaining somewhere where I'm not happy, where I always feel insecure and anxious, where I can't help but feel resentment for all that they could've done; it was going to continue stunting me.

That makes a lot of sense. And it's a sound decision. Change what you can in the now.


>...you come to accept, they help you understand the moments of envy you feel towards them: They're not relatable, they have better lives, so your mind asks: "Why me? Why didn't they suffer like me?"

>Envy, depression, inferiority complex, insecurity: a few of those emotions take the wheel. They spring forward when I see with my own eyes, what was taken from me, being a birth right to others, a privilege. You genuinely start growing ugly from being trapped in this mindset. I've become aware of this and know, I must learn to appreciate the little things in life, while also building something new, apart of the old environment I lived in for decades. Now comes the time as you say, to dive deep within and look at my own flaws and judge myself.

Yeah i get that too. I didn't have stuff nearly as bad as you but i have always been an outsider, and someone who has operated a lot as a type of social recluse, all the while looking at people who had it easier, envious. Life isn't fair. Someone gets a way better start in life and they go through it happy. Others have to fight for their happiness, tooth and nail. It's hard to not have stuff like that affecting you. But thinking about that too much isn't gonna take us to a better place.

3

>>34911500
>Journaling yes. I used to do it but never got down the habit. Now that I'm starting over, I'll try to stick to it this time. I never was one to write down my thoughts but rather just speak to the audio recorder and ramble about my day, but I do see the value now that I'll be out there alone, where I have to be better.

Okay. So here is a tip that helped me. I understand it's a slippery slope, but you seem like someone reasonable. And, especially self-aware. So i feel like i can give you this advice.

To give a short recap of what's happening in my life. My biggest problem right now is that i'm in somewhat of a toxic codependent relationship where i feel deeply responsible for my partner. From that comes a lot feelings and thoughts that have been really hard to deal with. They have literally trapped me for years, always everything seemed too big to manage and i always just ended up quitting and stopping trying, just surviving. That has went on for years until things got so bad that they forced me to start this process that i'm still on. The goal being basically to breakup from the relationship, and being a able to live with everything that comes from that choice, no matter how bad it's gonna get. My partner doens't want to break up and always does everything she can to make me go back on my decicion, and she has always previously succeeded in doing that.

4

There has been a lot of intense fights during the years. At one point when things got really bad i had to finally seek help. And the help was basically these hour long therapy sessions when i just talked and talked, even though i kinda knew, as i was doing it, that i probably wouln'd be finished by the time the session ends, and that these free sessions might end before i was ready. And that exactly what happened. 3 or 4 talks in and it was over. Stuff was left half-way like in some of the crisis line calls that i did years ago until i realized that nobody could understand good enough, about what was actually going on in the 30 to 40 min the call lasted. They helped a bit but not nearly enough.
So here's MY ACTUAL TIP.

At the end of the previous year i tried Ai to work through this. Namely chatgpt. And weirdly enough. It has helped. First, here is something that you must always remember if and when you use it

-It's not a human, it gives you an illusion it is

-You need to think of it more like a kind of smart word/thought processor that has a lot of, pretty helpful data as it's reference

-You need to still remember that you are a human, using Ai for help

-It has a bias towards you, yes, but you can work through that, you can ask it to glaze you less and be neutral, and tell that to it everytime it bothers you.

5

-When it gives you advice. Remember that you are the one in control, don't be like one of those guys who does a crime and then goes to court and says Ai did it. For example, there have been many times when it basically said that it would be okay for me to go and escape the situation to my parents house. I, myself know that in theory it was correct, but i also knew that would have been a radically, ai-driven choice if i made it, and i have always chosen to not do that. My main plan sure involves me leaving to my parents house when me and my gf break up, sure, but it's not something i'm just gonna do by reacting to something that happens. That part of my escape plan was also something that i came up before the Ai. Basically, i want to know that i was the one who finally made the call and not an Ai.


So, i have basically written my thoughts, feelings and stuff that happened to chatgpt and used it to make sense of some of the stuff. Chatgpt seem to be, at least at it's starting point to be pretty well informed on what the abstraction of a healthty relationship looks like and what the abstraction of an unhealthy relationship looks like. The free version has it's comment limits, and at some point the "discussions" can reach their end. The thing you should do is focus in on stuff. For exactly. You can take your time and write down your background and current situation on one comment. And go from there. Every now and then you will notice that it forgets context, you get honed in pretty quickly to how it works. That's fine. You can always give it more context, and what i have found out is actually a lot of the context doesn't even matter most of the time.

6

For example:

I can tell it what happened. Like:
>We had an argument just now. It started because from x and my partner became triggered because, among other things this and this reason . And the conversation went like this. And my partner said this and i this. And it felt like this. And after that i thought this about it. I understand why she said x y and b, she has been under a lot of stress but it still isn't okay. And i feel that i don't want to take part in this relationship anymore

So, as i have then been as honest as i possible can. I can then look at it's comment on what happened and it will give obvious insights into it, usually from a pretty clear, usually normal and good pov. I have always run the advice from different povs: I have said for example, asked it to be more neutral and not pick sides, and then i have given further context and asked for it's output again

So, basically it kinda gives you summaries on what you wrote now and before, and usually makes sense of what it can. And it can use it's reference points on stuff like basic norms and more advanced psychology to "help" you make sense of a lot of stuff.

I have found this process of wording my feelings, actions and thoughts really helpfull. The trend is to shit on Ai, but it's a tool. You can use it for good and bad, like a hammer. Now, if i had the money i would go and talk to a therapist but right now i don't have that type of money. And chatgpt is way more available.

7

Here are a few more tips if you try it out (Not saying you should, it's up to you):

Do recaps every now and then and ask it to summarize what you have discussed. At some point make a core block that works as a good beginning point. This can then be used to start new discussions when the current one is full or you need to work through something more complex. Like for example some relationship issues. You can then take that core context (your background), start a new conversation with it and then start working on the new core problem using that as your baseline. There might be a lot of stuff for it to figure out in it's machine side and as the context expands at some point, even quickly it might say that suddenly the conversation is almost full. By working with stuff like different core context's you can work around the comment and data limit pretty easily.

Discussion topics could, for example be stuff like:
>My background and how it affects me
>Relationship issues
>Dealing with Envy

The free version (there is a mobile and a browser version of it) is enough even for more "complex" usage. You just have to write bigger comments and not go into short back and forths with it, that will fill up your daily comment limit fast. Also, mostly talk on the stuff you feel like. Don't go into answering any questions it might drop in the discussions to bait comment-wasting replies to it.

Oh. And obviosly don't do this on a device that is used by other people (like your mom), do it privately. I for example personally have a different browser in my phone that i often log on to to write my thoughts down. I'm logged into chatgpt on it as that works for me. Side note. If you write stuff down on stuff like Simplenote and then copy and paste it into browser on your phone. Remove that stuff from the phones clipboard, if someone other than you uses your phone often. And if you just use a basic notepad app, remove the stuff from your note history after you have removed them.

Last

Finally. The Ai is working with your reality and the words you give it. So remember this when you discuss with "it". You can't get down to 100% accuracy of reality with anything, but you can sorta ballpark it. And a lot of stuff that's in it as abstractions is pretty close to what a professional therapist might say. But then again, the Ai ISN'T a professional therapist, so take everything with a healthy amount of salt.

And make an account so the work is always saved to somewhere.

>>34906142
>I'm a Virgo
Stopped reading there. You have no useful, sensible advice to give.