i nag my bf because i want to see his problems as mine and i would like to push him to better himself.i like to believe i have good intentions, but i have verbally abusive tendencies and end up just doting on the issue and calling him rude things whenever he ignores my advice and does something against it. he said he would like more positive reinforcement and i told him he is not a dog who needs to be rewarded for a simple trick. he is more complex than that. this upset him and i feel guilty and insensitive.is positive reinforcement really what this situation calls for? i don’t know how to deal with this.
>>34911339>but i have verbally abusive tendencies Nobody wants to be so forcibly improved and least of all by someone as insignificant as you still are>and end up just doting on the issue and calling him rude things whenever he ignores my advice and does something against it. Nobody fucking likes that.>i told him he is not a dog who needs to be rewarded for a simple trick. He is likewise not an animal for you to bitch at when it doesn’t respond the way you think it should.>i feel guilty and insensitive.You are both. The first not to an unfixable degree. The second probably to an unfixable degree in the second one given how much you cannot understand this.The positive reinforcement thing is a lot less the issue than him needing you to lay the fuck off the constant negative reinforcement. Why is he talking around the issue and using language like that instead of being more direct? Because you’re a fucking bitch and he’s already getting henpecked enough.
>>34911339clearly it's not negative reinforcement considering what he saidThe reason you're even asking this is because you're clearly prideful and your ego took a hit, like>what do you mean I'm going about this wrong? This is about -your- faults not mineTake a step back and reflect on your egocentric ways if you actually care about this person rather than see him as an outlet to exert control on
>>34911339He needs to cheat on you and leave you for whoever he does cheat with and raise a family with her not you. That's a fate you deserve.
>>34911351>> >i feel guilty and insensitive>You are both. The first not to an unfixable degree. The second probably to an unfixable degreei would like to change and be a better person towards him. i do not like to ruin our relationship by being ignorant and demanding perfectionism.in all honesty, it is conflicting to me that you need to be accepting to your partner while simultaneously trying to encourage one another to be the best version of yourself. i believe before i even work on that question i should work on my insensitivity, any guidance is appreciated on the previous question though. my bf is too nice and wont phrase the truth as you do, i do not even realize how bad my attitude until someone points it out. >>34911353what can i do to be less egocentric and controlling?? i dont want to continue that way. it feels ingrained in my personality right now but i am willing to work on myself and change. i do not want to ignore the way ive been acting any longer
It's awesome you're self reflective. Changing as a person is so much harder than just doing it on command though. This kind of issue is very normal though so If you're truly committed to solving this problem you should try booking a session with a therapist and get their insight on this.
>>34911339Positive reinforcement only works if you mean it. There's a difference between constructive criticism & name calling. If my GF was yelling at me, or being rude, or beating me down over my faults, I'd seriously consider breaking up with her because I have a hard enough time handling my problems without someone nagging me about them. I know because my mom was a nag into my adulthood. Any time she would tell me I needed to be doing something, I just had this instinctive reflex to not do it just to spite her, & that sucked because there were some days when I would get myself motivated to do something, then she would tell me to do it & I would instantly nope out of it because it would look like I was only doing it because she had told me to. It's stupid, and sometimes I would have to do it anyway, but let her know I wasn't doing it because she said so. Eventually I was able to talk to her & get her to understand that. Her side of it was that she would get on my case because she felt like I wasn't doing enough and the only way I would would be if she blew up on me.He's not a dog, and you're not his mom. Many men need their problems to be their own. We'll help you with your problems but leave us alone with ours. If we want help, we'll ask, & we feel better about asking for help if we think you'll support us instead of beating us down, nagging if we don't do something when &/or how you think it should be done. If you give me feedback, I'll think about it, but if I tell you no, you need to respect that. If you think something should be worked on, you can say so, but then step back & let me do it or choose not to do it, or do it later. If you don't like how I handle something, do it yourself, but don't do it for me without telling me. Maybe I don't want you to do it.It's great that you recognize & are trying to get over your verbally abusive behavior. If you tell your BF that's something you're working on & actually stop, it'll be really good for both of you.
>>34911339Do you like it when someone tells you how to do something or when to do it? Do you like being yelled at or being called names? How would you react if someone acting toward you the way you act toward your boyfriend? What would you want someone to do for you? How would you like them to handle you? If you can honestly answer those questions, you'll have your answer on what you should do.
>>34911339>i like to believe i have good intentions,What you are doing is making him miserable. It doesn't matter what your intentions are, your *actions* are making him unhappy. Stop doing what you're doing.
>>34911403i would like to be a mother someday. the thought of pushing someone so important to me away for years on end motivates me to change even more. thank you for the support and kind words>>34911385i think this is the best advice on my thread so far. i have booked a consultation already. not to say others did not help, having a main problem to identify helps makes the process significantly easier. being blinded by ego is very shameful
>>34911339Stop, it's gonna wear him down, change comes from within, from a desire of him wanting to do something, not from you nagging, you'll just make him feel inadequate, and not enough for you, this still just leave him insecure, resentful and that will become issues later on.Your values should not interfere with how someone lives their lives, you can communicate that you'd like something from someone, if they do it, that's their choice, if they don't do it and the bothers you too much to the point it's not tolerable, then you should rethink this. A man is not a project, he's not for you to fix.I say this from experience, she wanted me to be someone else completely... Like who the fuck were you attracted to in the first place?
>>34911339this has to be bait. You're on yotsuba here and you don't understand how little encouragement or positive feedback males ever get in life?
>>34911382>what can i do to be less egocentric and controlling??literally just be less egocentric and controllingthe next time you want to criticize him, ask him if you're doing it for you, and then shut the fuck upalso you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, so shut the fuck up doubly
>>34911528not denying this, but being here the past 6 years has made me especially apathetic toward men, especially when it comes to relationship issues and the like. i felt pity for the first 2 years or so but after so many bad experiences it’s hard not to to lose faith in the men who obsessively post here
>>34911339Positive reinforcement is a bad way of framing it mentally. It's more so about being a supportive partner, and not being emotionally neglectful. Being supportive means validating and building up the other person by improving their self image. If they're doing something wrong it's usually better to frame it constructively.There might be some good self help books on this topic you can read to help your framing of the situation.
>>34911339Your bf is a fucking pussy yapper, don't get what you found in him. This loser doesn't want to do changes, only yap about them. They get rubbed their face to the truth. Only shit they say is "Could you be nicee??" "Could you be positive" - These guys been to much on their mother care. I think you just like him being pathetic idiot, so you could compare yourself and feel better which also one of shittiest way behave.Find yourself a normal guy who can grow near you or at least say you to "Fuck off"PEACE AND LOV PEACE AND LOVhate you all
>>34911712You must be Japanese, lad.
>>34911339>i like to believe i have good intentions, but i have verbally abusive tendencies Please don't take women too seriously guys. When your girlfriend is like OP just simply ignore her and use her for sex. That's it. Your life will greatly improve if you approach women this way.
>>34911339Everytime you want to tell him something ask yourself "what do i want from this? " and "is it going to help him?" then you try to express your feeling and your goals if you are not sure that he will understand. TL:DR, shame on myself anons...
>>34911339OP... is your boyfriend.. uhh .. a human?, he's human right, RIGHT??..
