when i was 12 i was being bullied and gaslit in school and my parents werent any less abusive so i thought that killing myself would make it go away. i used to read romance webtoons though and though the plotlines were repetitive as fuck, i believed that killing myself would make me miss out on someone who truly loved me.as i got older though, i did somewhat get prettier. i lost weight, learned to do makeup, formed an eating disorder in the hopes id be sexier, tried to be stellar academically, and still, no one ever had a crush on me. in big friend groups, id get sidelined for the girl prettier than me. eventually, that devolved into me sending nudes to pedophiles online because that's what i thought i was worth which made my friends call me burdensome and drop me.i turn 17 in less than two months. somewhere along the way this year, maybe a month or two ago, i realized love doesn't exist for someone like me. there's always someone better than me, no matter how hard i try. i'm alone even with my friends. tehyre great, but they don't get it, and a few of them are a bit selfish ebcause everything comes back to their situationships and crushes. im really not jealous, im happy for them, its just bittersweet because i cant really imagine a good relationship anymore. my happy place used to be someone holding me or actually loving me and now it's just nonexistent.i used to get mad when my mom says im a psychotic harlot who will never be happy and will drag others down with her because i thought that maybe someone would believe that it isnt true but i realize now that im an evil little psycho and i dont bring anything ofvalue to anyone. im not pretty, im kinda smart but theres always someone smarter than me. the only reason i got a 5 on ap calc bc is because the curve is amazing. my mental health is shit and i skipped school at least once a week last week. im loving, i care, and i genuinely want to make people feel loved, but who would do that for me?
i meant once a week last year, sorry.
Is it >>34928166
