>graduate college with honors in December of 2019 with an associate's degree in IT and a CCENT certificate (the plan was to get a CCNA, professor who I trusted and Sys Admin at the internship told me I don't need an A+ because the degree + experience and that I should get a CCNA and Security+)>do a 1 year (10 month) paid internship as well while continuing to work my retail job. genuinely had a good time and was interested in the subject matter and doing the internship >covid hits a few months later, everything is locked down, not too many IT support jobs when everyone's at home>retail job offers me full time, insurance, benefits and $22 an hour because everything is going to shit due to covid and they're desperate so I accept it and decide I'll just work that until things calm down and then be on my way and get a job in what I went to school for>one night going home from work a drunk woman in a giant pickup truck decides to go 80 mph in a 50 and smash into the back of a jeep and send it across the yellow line and into oncoming traffic (me) and I hit into it at 45 MPH (I saw sparks so I began tapping my brakes but didn't go full stop)>I smash into it. Totals my car, my knee was fucked for a little while and I had lots of cuts from glass but I didn't have to go to the hospital>meanwhile one of the guys in the jeep literally dies on the pavement after they dragged him out from a heart attack as I'm standing there and a woman in the car dies from a brain bleed months later>kind of dawns on me that my car is the one that caused the fatal impact even if I wasn't at fault and that I've killed two people and this just completely fucks my brain and it takes me like 4 years to start driving again and even now I have to go and mentally prepare myself for driving somewhere new by doing it in google maps>still working the same retail job 5 years later but I'm really sick of this stagnating/drowning feeling and don't want to be doing this the rest of my life
On the bright side I have no debt, $85k saved up, a paid off car, a college degree, a year of experience in IT and 12 years of experience in the same retail job. Living with my parents with not too many bills. But I'm 28 and I don't know what the hell to do at this point and I'm not getting any younger. Are there still entry level IT jobs left, or did AI eliminate them all? Is my degree and experience now useless because it's been so long? Did I pick a bad degree? Should I have picked a trade? Should I have sucked up my dignity and my long dreams of escaping to a normal 9-5 job that let me be at home for holidays and done nursing instead? I really don't want to do a job that requires anymore driving than just going from home to work. Fuck that woman for ruining my life. I've been tormented by dreams of the night continuously since then. I still remember the people in the jeep just fucking screaming and guy dying on the side of the road after they'd pulled apart the mangled jeep to get them out. In a way I feel like I killed them because I didn't brake hard enough even though the dumb bitch was the one who thrust me into the situation. Still white knuckled holding the steering wheel when I drive and I flinch I see anyone edging out or something going on in the oncoming traffic lane. I used to get nervous coughing fits everytime I sat in the driver's seat but thankfully those are mostly gone. Worst part is the drunk woman only spent like 3 years in prison for all this shit and ruining my life. I don't feel like justice was done. I just feel like pressure is building in my head and my mental state declining as I rot away and feel nothing but hatred and immense jealousy for everyone who's succeeding in life but now that I'm driving again, I feel like I'm ready to make some sort of move
I just feel like I've been alone drowning from all of this and I've never had anyone I felt like I could talk to. Makes me sound like some broken and mentally fucked individual. I bet if I went to some Karen bitch therapist and started talking about this they'd take away all my guns or something and I've never been in a church in my life so I don't really know if spiritual guidance is even a thing. I've just tried to keep myself distracted from thinking about it all I can with stupid hobbies and video games. I had even gone out for a date/dinner and we were planning on going out again before all this happened but I went really quiet and stopped talking to them after all of this. I haven't cried since probably 2021 but thinking about all of this had me crying for hours last night. I live in central New Hampshire if that means anything or helps
On a minor note, my teeth are probably fucked because I was so depressed I just didn't brush them for a few years and I haven't been to the dentist since I was 11 but I do have decent insurance currently
Well I guess nobody's got answers. I guess I tried
>>34955714How is your car the one that caused the fatal impact, when their car was the one that was sent flying into danger at 30mph back and forth? You didn't die and received as much impact as them on your side of the collision. The drunkard killed them as always.I stopped being a doctor because I couldn't keep up with the volume of information, the speed you need to process shit, the incompleteness of everything, the shit ton of people, etc. I didn't see many accidents, but the few I saw made me aware people are as fragile as sticks and jello, ever since I wasn't surprised people could die in them.But one day some kid was having some bronchospasm, I always considered whether sending them to the ICU for weeks with a tube in their throat to get infected with immortal shit was the best course for them, and I would delay intubating them for as long as I felt safe. I always had some respiratory therapist help me intubate them, I could never manage to intubate one successfully, the kids heart was going slow, I wouldn't know whether to keep compounding risks and do CPR crushing their ribs or gamble holding the line with atropine, by then the legal liabilities were stacking against what I believed less harmful. After that case I resigned and haven't worked in 3 years.You have trauma but you've got no wrong in it, it shouldn't be hard to heal beyond the visceral reaction, which you only need to drive more often, as predictable as possible, to heal it. There's IT jobs everywhere, but you need to learn to become a salesman to get them, AI doesn't matter because people who startup a store don't even know how to code a webpage.
>>34961014Also, get a male therapist, you can literally choose one. Stay for about 6 therapies. Don't go to the psychiatrist, go maybe if you've failed a year of therapy or something. Get on the move and do shit that makes you feel active and that you have a choice over, like going to the gym, dating or asking out women, going on hikes.
