Was in prison for 6.5yrs for child molest. Been out for 20yrs. Not too many people know since I'm not legally required to be on the registry

I never expected you to be perfect. I just wanted to know about the girl who changed my life.

You kept going on about no progress made and even made fun of me for beimg a NEET during a time I was struggling but I realised you were the one constantly moving goalposts, when we first met and got together you had a bachelor of game art with no hope of employment and I had a decent public job but that wasnt good enough and I needed a degree to fulfill your parents idea of a capable spouse. 7 years later we both have masters degrees, you have almost 3 year experience, I just did my masters with a job on the horizon and you consider that the jumping off point to end the relationship for the reason we had made no progress? Fuck you. I carried guilt for so long from your words but today I realise you wouldn't ever be happy or satisfied with me. You only wanted money for your goals instead of experiencing life together. I am happy for you found someone who was already at the finish line just remember those you stomped on to get there.

None of this was your fault, but you did manage to do the one thing that would lower my estimation of you. I’ve said repeatedly that I would rather be told to fuck off than be coddled and tolerated. I’ve told you, personally, that I trusted you to kick my ass if it needed kicking.
I wish you had just taken one of the many, many outs I gave you instead of stringing me along and letting me think things could be fixed between us. Yes, I wanted to be your friend, but I more than that I wanted to avoid hurting you.

Why does the Liturgy of the Hours so complex and hard? I don't understand it. I want to follow it but it seems they made it as hard and cumbersome as possible.
Sing 3 psalms--but not 3, actually 2 because today is third Sunday of the 12 week of the Advent of the Lent of the Christmas so don't sing those 2, sing these 4, but don't sing the hymn, sing the antimony but not today but tomorrow and not in the terce but the none and in the vesper but do not sing the psalms if you sing the hymn or the antimony or canticle but do sing the canticle if Mars and Venus align and your zodiac sign is Gemini.
So fucking confusing, man. I want to follow it, but I don't get it.

>>35018490
I’d still like to fix things between us though. Are we both just dancing around what we’d actually like to say because we’re afraid of hurting ourselves and hoping the other will cave first? I’m fairly certain you’ve never done anything out of spite or malice by the way - every time I try to get mad at you I remember you’re not that kind of person.

>>35018490
>>35018539
Initials?

I've grown resentful of my friends and I don't know what to do. We don't share a lot of values that for me are important but they couldn't give less of a crap about those things. I am introverted and only have a handful of (good) friends, but I feel like I have to repress and repress and repress constantly. Sometimes I end up hurting myself at times or really retracting and avoiding seeing them for a little while.
I need my friends for my mental stability. But being with them also comes ta a cost. It's not too bad I guess, I tend to be dramatic. But it feels a bit doomed. I try not to think too much.

Sorry, I had a medical emergency after feeling confident enough to make a plan.
I will go tomorrow instead.

>>35018539
>>35018588
I’m definitely not who you think I am. Unless you think I’m your good pal. But you don’t.

>>35018588
I’m also definitely not who you think I am, I just use this thread to scratch the itch I get from no contact. No way in hell she posts here.

>>35018709
I dont have any good pals around here
Only opps

To Be, or Not to Be

Should I continue living, or should I die? That is the question.

Is it more honorable to endure all the pain and suffering that life throws at us, or to fight against our troubles and bring them to an end?

To die is like going to sleep. Nothing more. And if death is simply sleep, then it would end all the heartbreak and countless pains that come with being alive. That sounds like something anyone might wish for.

But what if we dream when we die? That's the problem. After we leave this life behind, who knows what dreams or experiences might await us? That uncertainty makes us hesitate.
It's what makes us put up with life's suffering for so long.

Otherwise, who would tolerate the cruelty of others, the arrogance of powerful people, the pain of rejected love, the endless delays of justice, the disrespect of officials, and the mistreatment that good people receive from those who don't deserve their positions?

Why would anyone carry such burdens when they could end their suffering with a simple blade?

Why struggle through an exhausting and painful life?

Because we fear what comes after death. Death is an unexplored country from which no traveler returns. We don't know what awaits us there.

And that fear makes us choose the suffering we already know rather than risk something unknown that might be worse.

So our awareness and our tendency to think too much make us afraid to act.
Our natural courage and determination fade beneath the weight of our thoughts.

And even our greatest plans and most important decisions lose their momentum because we hesitate, overthink, and ultimately fail to act.

>>35018397
I want a Malfoid gf... Holy shit I love her so much, her design, the personality type....
I'm such a fucking true lovecel I'm marking out over this...

>>35018728
One of the most famous things ever written

To Be

It’s funny how that was written before all of this. It’s ironic

500 years and nothings changed

I wonder what it truly means to be alive then

i've lived in the nyc area for 4 years and ive only fucked two girls, got a shitty blowjob from another. im getting matches but whenever i ask if they want to go on a date they stop responding. i know there are chads running around fucking as much pussy as they want and im getting crumbs.

I really need hope

I'm sorry for being insufferable and annoying. I'm sorry for failing at everything I set out to do to the point where my dreams are a confusing fading memory. I don't know who I am anymore, or why I do many things. I wish I was literally anyone else, at least their actions could make sense then. Everything is just a dull, disgusting ache. It is what it is.

Yeah I'm a giant fucking loser by almost every metric you can imagine but just under 2 million people played my games. And these are games with with plots and world building and even a bit of what in gaming would pass for philosophy. That's it, that's what I achieved in life. I doubt I'll do anything more but even that's something.

I let you down to protect myself from you.

Note to self: don’t work the event shift next year. I would like to sleep past 7:30 AM on a Sunday next October.

Constant pain in my body everywhere. I'm so fucked
Chest hurts, i wheeze, random weird pangs in my arms, odd headache that's hard to describe in the back of my head
I wonder if my demise is imminent

I'm no longer convinced humans are sentient.

The withdrawals are hitting again. Do you want this? Give me an ultimatum and then end things and shatter the family we both wanted? Just to feel something? I’m not abusive. I care, it’s not performative.

Now I won’t get to see her grow everyday. It hurts why why why why

Please stop, please just be kind, why, not again please don’t do this again.

Why won’t you just let me hold you and help you? I hate seeing you in pain but you tell me not to help and call me abusive. Why why why why why. I kept you out of jail. I didn’t crack at all even when they wanted to talk to me every day, even after you hit me I stayed so why????? WHY MUST I SAY IM BAD FOR YOU TO LOVE ME

WHY

Reduced to writing on here again because I can’t speak to you. Why why why you said you wanted to work on this but I need to be labelled the bad one? I want to forgive and help you but I’m not willing to accept that I did things I didn’t do, have you record me again and try to take our baby away from me.

It was hell, this hurts but I won’t go through that again. Please. I’ll give you whatever you want, just please stop hurting me and come back…

I came back for you…


Please don’t leave me. I’m so alone here now, please. I need you please.

Please be nice. Please.

Im pathetic. Wanting love from someone who just wants to demonize me. I got arrested and grilled and followed by cops lol. Got almost locked up because of this. Ha. Haha. Trauma bond haha.

I want a family and things were going so well. Why did you get angry? I didn’t do anything wrong, it was a normal day and you just started going off about how everything why my fault. I said I was sorry for what I said, when you were hurt by it. I studied about your condition, did better by your own metrics for you, even though it’s hard for me. So why? Why hate me? Why abandon me? Why leave our baby without a family? When I want it and so does she and you said so did you?


Why can’t we be nice to each other? Why why why do this? Why send me away and let me rot? Why?

So you abused your gf and got arrested and now you're whining about it?

I want to shoot myself in the head with my service pistol. I pressed it to my temple, thought about it. Is that enough? Must it get worse again? Must I prove my love again? Why do this to me? I need you and you said you needed me.

Please I just want to help but you hurt hurt hurt

Im pathetic. Got it out of my system though, I suppose. Kill me man. I’m tired of being hurt.

I’ll write her letters and be out of her life. Watch from afar. Dedicate myself solely to my work. I can’t stomach a broken family. I’d rather her have no dad than an absent one. You can have everything I have just tell her I died. It’s over.

Honestly theee is no chance I am going to get laid without doing nofap, I missed my chance to explore my sexuality with women so I completely lack the skillset to isolate and seduce them

I risked everything to see you. I defended you. Why is that not enough? How the fuck is that performative??? I lost everything and still didn’t turn on you? What the fuck else could I possibly do to demonstrate care?

Why must you ask me to say I’m something im not? I never hit you, never threatened to. I didn’t report you hitting me. I’m alone now I don’t get to see her every night. You do. You promised we would again together. I waited, I worked. I trusted.

>>35018956
You are forgiven. Your new life starts right now. What you do with it is entirely up to you, but know that if you require forgiveness again it will be granted if you are truly penitent.

Discarded again after they promised they wouldn’t ever again

Haha ha haha

I’m broken now

You! Yes, YOU! You should reach out to that person. You know the one. The truth is they want to talk to you too, but they’re also scared. If you reach out first they’ll be so happy, and things WILL work out one way or another. Do it!!!

Tch. Im not what you call me. You’re the only one who’s ever called me those things. Animals love me, I help people, people thank me for going above and beyond for them. I’m not perfect but I’m not those awful things you want me to say I am.

Christ be with you.

The thought of you with anyone else makes me rage beyond belief. I will choke the life out of them and then kill myself to avoid prison time. Is that the final gambit? Why?

Getting cheated on was better than this ngl. At least it was one solid gut punch and subsequent pain.

>do Uber Eats for extra money
>cute as fuck girl at this one restaurant
>after like 20 trips there finally had some small talk with her today

I know she’s just being nice. But damn things have been so bad for me girl wise lately this was just a little nice moment for me today.

>>35018956
damn, man, me too

>>35019165
this user is lying to you. they are attempting to lead you astray. they are willfully misleading you. do NOT listen. you MUST resist.

Got a new FWB and I had a very.... interesting experience with her. Can't stop thinking about her and I want more.

>>35019165
I've stopped avoiding her outright, but I'm still not going to do that quite yet.

Fuck em all but us????

Hahahahahahah

Are people just overrated? Be it friends, dating, acquaintances, etc?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mt7VE3GacHI

>>35019165
She knows how to reach me. Ive reach out here enough

>>35019293
and yet she hasn't. curious

Im a failure im a failure im a failure. I’m sorry you deserve a mom and dad but it’s not my choice. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I won’t be there for you growing up. I didn’t want this. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry dad, I can’t make you proud. I’m sorry.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I hate myself for trusting you.

My daughter is ruined now. Everything is ruined. Utter failure of a man.

>>35019336
What do you mean?

>>35019336
Ur son is already ruined for having 2 moms. Worse now you brought a daughter in this world. Sucks to be u.

>>35019338
Just got told I’m being dumped. Married, have a small daughter. Now she has to grow up in a broken home. I didn’t want this.

>>35019344
I'm sorry to hear that.

>>35019340
who are you talking to?

It wasn’t supposed to end that way.

These are the riches of the poor

If I kill myself will you be happy? You win? Big bad abuser dead? You get all the money and our baby and I die. Nothing matters anymore.

Aha, thoughts of suicide passed. They’ll come back im sure.

You have blocked me when all I wanted was to outreach about troubled thoughts, I didn't want it to escalate as it did but it did. You will be close to my heart regardless I hope you win in life and find what you wanted.

it's over.

I'm ready to end this relationship that has me feeling confused, unwanted, unappreciated and sad.

>>35019406
Why do you feel this way? What's lacking?

>>35019420
If I never feel like i'm good enough or can't fulfill whatever it is inside or for my patron, why keep trying? It's discouraging.

>>35019299
She has before here. Several times

I deserve better, and I'm not sorry

>>35019448
and yet she's never contacted you outside the site, curious.

>>35019457
Wrong again. More recent was on discord

As well as insta, steam, cell, and more. But you are desperate to troll and be a twat against us so go narc elsewhere

so why are you writing to her here instead of on there? why make it so public?

>>35019484

Not interested in talking with who clearly is desperate to find ammo to attack us with. Buzz off.

>>35019492
I'm just annoyed at the spam. I don't need to know the reason, but you should reflect on it. Are you retarded? You're giving people ammo by posting incessantly. If you stopped posting, Colton wouldn't have shit to do. He'd just be screaming into the void.

>>35019498
You're talking with an actual schizo or a bot, he has been spamming nonsense for years, and will continue to do so, just leave him be.

>>35019501
oh I know. I don't know why I'm even replying, but he keeps on showing up in threads that I frequent and it's pissing me off.

>>35019504
It will only get worse if anything.

>>35019498
Try going after big orange cat or Alex. Or colton with all his larp threads. You whining at me is the actual spam. I shouldn't have to l respond to you narcing out at me all day.

Colton is a horrid narc. I won't give up on her and the worst I could do is disappear where he then takes advantage of her. Best to keep it up here and she sees what a POS narc he is.

>>35019501
Not schizo and I don't spew nonsense. Go after big orange cat or Alex. That poster schizos out

>>35019504
>>35019506
Look. You guys make spam by whining about me simply writing to my girl and then there's a third post when I need to deal with you. How about you buzz off and then there is just when I reach out to her

who tf is alex

>>35019514
Rad. He would make posts here about maria a ton in the past. Unless rad is colton which would make sense

You are the most arrogant, egotistical, exhausting person I have ever spoken to in my life. I will continue ignoring you until we're strangers again. Sucks it had to be this way, but for all your supposed intelligence, you never learned how to be a real friend. Bye

>>35019527
Is this for me? If you wanted me to talk to you, you shouldn't be nonchalant about it.

>>35019514
>>35019518
My name is Alex. Never made any post about a “Maria” however.

>>35019528
The fact that you still think I want to talk to you in any capacity means you very well may be the person I'm bitching about lmao. Wouldn't shock me if you posted here

>>35019544
Oh, nah, my mistake.

>>35019538
There's a ton in the archive colton, "Alex" made. Creepy shit. Here's one
https://archive.4plebs.org/adv/thread/32971796/#q32986634

>>35019527
>>35019544
Trick baby ass bitch idgaf abt talking to your sissy ass, go be a faggot somewhere else

>>35019452
Gf mean to you?

>>35019569
Very emotional for someone who doesn't care. Like a jilted lover hahahah

I want to die. I trusted you. Fuck em all but us? You needed me? We needed each other?

>>35019579
Oo my fault my nigga

Almost 2 years since you ghosted me. I am far beyond pining for you, but I would have loved to be in love with you. I hope you are treating yourself well and I will continue to miss what we had.

I waited and waited and gave. I didn’t abandon you. I didn’t. I stayed. So why? Why don’t you love me? Why leave me alone?

>>35019597
>I waited and waited and gave
I know, but I want you to be actually happy.
>I didn’t abandon you. I didn’t. I stayed
I will forever be grateful for this.
>Why don’t you love me?
It's not easy for me to fall in love.
>Why leave me alone?
Idk if I can give you what you want.

I love you, my little one.

I wish I could help you; that you’d let me.

You’ve made your choice, and I mine. A punching bag no longer. I wanted a relationship, a family.

>>35019065
You can feel terrible for years.

You left me without a mountain to climb to reach a fucking understanding.
There's been people that left because I wasn't helpful enough to them anymore. I was able to handle that.
There's been people who thought I was too overbearing and didn't want to hang out anymore. I was able to handle that. I learned some lessons from that.
There's been people who I quit from because they were making my life miserable and I didn't want to argue. I was able to handle that, it was a bit cowardly. I got bitten there. But I learned my lesson.
I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from this. I don't see a solution. Quitting is not good. Staying is not good. You ended it with "things won't be the same anymore". Everything I say now is a lie to you, a fabrication, some excuse. Anything I do is completely unseen.

>>35019657
Ive been there buddy.

>>35019661
How did you handle it?

>>35019665
Laughing eventually, nothing new under the sun, Bible helps. God is always right.

For the longest time for as long as I can remember I didn't actually hate myself. I was completely content lounging around constantly making excuses.

Ever since I met you, a bunch of emotions and dreams I've had ever since I was a kid started to return. I realized everything that I lack and began hating myself. It's silly but I think I've fallen for you so much hahaha Regretfully, I must leave it at that to fix myself I'm sorry

ahhh shit I can't stop crying this is so gay

>>35019597
>>35019623
I did not write these fyi

I will not drink for the remainder of October.

You say I did what I wanted and chose my path but it was for you and you chose to abandon me so why did you expect to still have access to my attention?

>>35019754
I'm not a good fit for you. I'm old and out of shape. I'm ugly. I'm just trying not to disappoint you even more.

>>35019754
you are not her, she wouldn't admit that. There is more to looks anyway I just wanted someone who would be with me no matter how hard it got to say it will be ok.

>>35019765
>>35019773
meant to reply

Anyway, I realised toward the end I did one thing right and it caused you to leave me even though it was steps to fulfill what you wanted which was a partner with a job who can afford a home for you. Just you wanted a specific house within a certain time which is ridiculous for how expensive it is to begin with, most couples move in and rent an inexpensive apartment first and they succeed from there.

throughout the psychotic ups and downs of missing you that i've gone through, at this point it's really just the powerlessness that i can't get over. i'm ok with this soft, nagging missing that i have to go through. feeling like you should be there when you're not. ive been through it before with dad, and so, i know i can get used to it. it's just the confusion, and the lack of knowledge that make me so indescribably sick to my stomach and cause me to writhe around in bed like a worm at night. i just hope i get another sign from you or god soon because every extra month without one is like torture

>>35019235
I wish I could have fwbs

Initials to or from?

FYI no post between this one and my last trip name are by me. I also already own my house.

Only mentioning that I didn't make posts because these two sound like me to you.
>>35019754
>>35019907

>>35019926
its not you. for one they wouldnt ever use a name.

I'm trying to turn my self hatred into something productive. The truth is I am choosing to be depressed and have been for the past 15 years. My case isn't representative of everyone, but it IS a CHOICE for me. There are things I could have done to cure myself. There are things I still can do to stop hurting others around me constantly with my ruminations. I haven't done them because I have been a bad person. I must change this and I am. I cannot keep manipulating people into coddling me for my "sickness".

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Had a very intense religious experience yesterday, so intense that afterwards I was shaking even after I'd sat down and took a rest. I. learned so much from such a short thing. It was essentially them breaking down my ego so that I could worship without expectations or wishes and instead be full of gratitude. Not just for them, but this sincere, powerful, genuine gratitude, the feeling itself rather than the reason for it. It was only four hours but I'd go as far to say as this was one of the most transformative experiences of the past year. I've come out of it with a completely different take on the world, my religion, and myself. I also feel completely at peace after all of that. It was super intense. Never experienced anything quite like it, at least not in such a singular event.

>>35020142
four hours? what does that entail?

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I was going through some of my father's old stuff and I found a copy of a letter he wrote to my mom's best friend to reject her. I have no idea if my mom knows, I think they weren't together when that letter was written but still I feel so weird knowing about it

I think of you when I'm in his arms. I wish you'd showed just a little more interest instead of being so passive. I wish I could've had more than just a crush on you. I wanted a real chance.

>>35020144
This is a bit long winded but a lot happened in a short space. I went into the mountains yesterday to more closely commune with my guardian deity Sakuya-hime-no-mikoto, goddess of Mount Fuji (there's a whole other story to that one) in an effort to try to understand a few things about my future. I scaled this sheer cliffside that in all honesty was incredibly dangerous and I probably shouldn't have done, but I got to a fairly high point, found a good spot to place my offerings and did my prayer. I waited and waited yet heard and felt nothing. It wasn't even a divine silence, just nothing. No signs, no circumstances lining up in a way too perfect to ignore, no feelings stirring. So I descended the mountain feeling dejected, miserable and tired. Either they didn't exist, or, worse, they had spurned me.

I had an Uber scheduled to go home not long afterwards but I felt compelled to do something else (which I won't detail) that I'll simply say pollutes my spirit. Doing this meant I had to push the home trip back an hour so I did and decided to try one more time to pray and get guidance. By this point I was exhausted, broken, and down on myself and I even considered not doing it because of the pollution I'd accumulated spiritually. I went down a well travelled trail a short ways and found this hill sandwiched between the road and the trail and was like "guess i'll just go there" so I did and then I saw it: a deer unaccompanied by its herd. Deers are said to be the divine messengers of Ametarasu-omikami (the head of all earthly kami) so immediately I was stunned. I walked up and it scurried off a bit so to catch sight of it I went on this rock overlooking a large swathe to find it standing there right below me. At this point I was so intense with anxiety and awe that I was shaking physically and radiating anxiety (something the deer had to have picked up on, I looked like a wreck) but I hurridly retrieved my offering vessels and even slipped yet the deer (cont)

I just realized that the whole time, the best type of art is not my own drawings. But my own imaginations.

>>35020168
Part of the challenge of art is learning how to translate what you see/hear/think in your mind to your chosen medium (drawing what you see in your mind, playing what you hear in your head on your instrument, etc). That's why you should always keep practicing, so there's less of a barrier between what you think and what you create.

Then strive to create art as close to your imagination as possible.

I feel like I'm going crazy, but it's fairly transformative. I can see why I feel this way and I have a lot more clarity. I am putting in the work, step by step, to drag myself out of the hell I've created for myself.

>>35020165
remained standing and watching. My brain was so overloaded with excitement that I stopped thinking clearly and all I could do was give thanks and gratitude. Rather than asking "what will my future hold" and "what should be done" I just felt grateful. For the nature, for the opportunity, for the love, for all of it. I then thanked the deer and said "please deliver this to them" and only then did it run off. I had no seen a single other animal during my entire time there and crazier than that, it was in such a busy, high traffic area, not in the isolated cliffside I had originally chosen.

My interpretation of it all was that I need to stop being so impatient about what lies ahead, stop being so needy and just be grateful in the moment I have. They haven't abandoned me, it's that I just need to understand where I am right now. The future will get here and them shrouding it a little is for the best. As someone explained to me the other day, revealing it early would mean I'd impress my ego onto it rather than feeling and experiencing it. I'd be so busy trying to rationalize a million different conclusions I'd fail to actually experience it in its present moment.

Even with all this, I am still trying to puzzle it out. It was less of a divine sign and more of a divine essay

I am the only sane person I know. It makes me appear nuts to everyone else.

How so?

AI made any creative effort worthless. some people still don't understand that and some domains lag behind others but it's just a question of accepting the mindset. just like (You) wouldn't pay someone a dollar to translate a text for you, in a few months no one will pay a dollar to play (You)r game when automated decompilers/cloners will be flooding the internet.

i fucking hate women so god damn much. i fucking hate women in nyc so god damn much.

>>35020224
why not make art for itself own sake?

>>35020232
games are not art. they may contain art but they're toys.

holy shit i cant type. I mean why not make art for arts sake? The process itself is satisfying enough for some. I have struggled my whole life about making art that "wasn't worth while" well fuck it, I enjoy it, so I'm going to keep doing it, okay?

>>35020234
anon said "any creative art". their example was regarding games but they implied art generally

Don't fall for sociopaths telling you how to behave. Men will say
>bros before hoes
and then fuck the women you want and laugh at what a weak fool you are.
They will tell you
>money isn't everything
but behind the scenes they're grabbing and leveraging whatever they can while they laugh at what a trusting dope you are
They will say
>Christ is king
and then be as unchristlike as it is possible for a person to be and laugh at your gullible pious ass

>>35020232
>>35020235
Most AIniggers are the same dopamine addicts that doomscroll Tiktok all day while jerking off and chugging energy drinks and just want the immediate payoff of typing "anime chick with big titties" and seeing an image. They don't understand the appeal of seeing personal progress as you learn a new skill, the happy surprises that pop up along the way (i.e. heading out to make a landscape drawing and watching a pretty sunrise or spotting an animal you've never seen before or meeting a new friend on the trail), or the community you build through people trying the same things as you because all they do is watch influencer videos about get rich quick schemes and think "man that's so smart, I could do that" and then get high on cheap dopamine while doing absolutely nothing to better their lives.

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My biggest fear is to become completely paralyzed, to the point where I won't be able to commit suicide if it gets too bad

I just dont have anything to offer to women. Im not useful.

We're getting closer to that event.

>>35020148
You almost weren't born

>>35020275
part of the reason why I want to get better is so that I can have my shit in order in case I kill myself, then it wont be as messy dealing with the estate.

>>35020277
When you dig into how horrible you are you never will. Your brain is poisoning you and people are putting more poison into it and you yourself am poisoning your brain some more with this negative shit you keep feeding it.

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Well, I'm here.

>>35020417
Zoos are awesome.

This must be the place.

>>35020283
what event?

I'm really teetering on the edge of dividing our whole family. My husband has so much contempt for me, couples therapy has done jack shit. Communicate your feelings, she says. Apparently I do it wrong because it ends with him yelling at me. The latest is him calling me useless after I explained I'm spread so thin between 2 toddlers and housework - his reply is he doesnt know why I'm so stressed, it's not like I have daily reports, quarterly reports, a manager. Like sure, guy, let's dismiss my feelings (again) and make it all about you. Then in the same day, I'm a "lying fucking bitch" when I reminded him that physical touch is my love language. He can't go 1 day without smoking weed, has stopped attempting any sort of love/affection/ kindness because I dont initiate it.

I'm not going to ask him for every hug, kiss, etc. I'm not going to chase him after every time he storms off.

Of course I'm cold and bitchy - nothing I do is even noticed, let alone appreciated. He says nothing he does is good enough because his ego shatters if I bring up anything negative I feel because he takes it like a criticism. Meanwhile I'm the one tasked with "communicating feelings ' because he was in the dark and didnt know what he didnt know...

Im very newly pregnant and I'm tired/nauseous constantly.

I left him 6 months ago and he sends me the most vile, offensive, disgusting text message - villifying me, degrading me, and still has never actually apologized. I thought I could forgive and forget but after being insulted so much yesterday it all came flooding back as proof he doesnt love nor respect me.

I'm an idiot for coming back - but I really dont want to be a single mom. I think this marriage has just run its course and there's really no love left between us.

I wish he could just say "I fucked up, I'm sorry- I want to change" but that would never happen because I'm the bad guy for "pushing him to anger"

I don't want to give up but I can't do this anymore.

>>35018397
test

I'm just too tired. I can't remain vertical. I'm gonna go eat panera.

It is getting harder and harder to not hurt myself. I can’t even focus on my job without nearly being overwhelmed by the urge to go find a spot to cut myself open.

I will think damn I'm cutting and thinking of death again maybe I should really force myself to get out of my comfort zone and try to find a new therapist. Then I see what you people are dealing with here or elsewhere online and I'm like nevermind turns out I am a supreme god of good mental health.

I wasted my youth, good looks, and likely my financial future. I should probably kill myself soon.

>>35020564
you could still get a therapist. you don't need to be at rock bottom to 'deserve' help. believe me, I have denied myself help multiple times because I haven't felt 'bad' enough to 'deserve' it. Guess what? I got worse and I hurt myself and people around me irreversibly.

>>35020572
I feel disgusting at therapy and struggle opening up, so it really feels like a herculean task. Last time I was in therapy years ago I basically never really talked about anything truly personal because I felt embarrassed/ashamed/gross, and when we neared topics that I find upsetting I would start crying uncontrollably against my will which was cringe and upsetting.
So it's just that I find the effort is really fucking big for me while I don't even know if it's worth it or if it'll work at all.
I am functional and have friends and family who love me. No one has to know I'm a weird ass loser who cuts. I think. Idk. I think I can still handle it. If it gets worse I may consider therapy again. Perhaps.

>>35020566
Please don’t kill yourself.

What’s wrong with bread and circuses? Life is boring anyways.

>>35020596
it's not always a fast process and it's not always linear. trust me, I've been through it too. I've never cut but I've self harmed in other ways. is there anything else you can do to distract yourself that isn't cutting?

You fumbled me so many times and stupid me kept asking myself what I was doing wrong.

Holidays are always boring and lonely for me
This Christmas I wanna fly out a cute girl to fuck in some hotel all weekend long, only issue is I am ugly and dont have any takers for that.

>>35020687
in 2026 you need to be in the top 10% of attractiveness to get something like that

lI take care of my mother AND YET she talks shit about me every fucking day as if i dont do everything for her

im hungry...IM COOKING 6 meals a fucking day and shes still complaining to people like i dont cook enough for her. Shes like im so hungry. you dont feed me enough. OVER SPEAKER PHONE LIKE I CANT HEAR IT

i tell them just talk to me over messages so i dont have ot hear this

And they are going to tell me...why??
I COOK, I CLEAN, I CHANGE HER DIAPER

And i STILL GET SHIT TALKED ON THE FUCKING PHONE

>>35020725
who's talking over speaker phone?
who do you tell to talk to you over messages?

>friendly chat over several weeks at work
>shared hobbies and shit
>going to bring something in to help me with a project
>asks to be updated on project
so of course this cunt sidesteps the request and now I dont know what the fuck to do. women.

>>35020733
shes talking to her cousins wife . who she talks to daily


Two these two im the problem for everything that happens

>>35020750
Im not mentally ill . im annoyed

I just made full spaghetti for her, She said... im still hungry. I gave her the peanut butter and jelly to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich like she asked, but because she couldnt find the knife thati gave her she threw everything across the room!

>>35020735
this is incomprehensible. you don't know how to express yourself.

>>35020725
>i tell them just talk to me over messages
you tell who to talk to you over messages? they're talking to each other. why do you tell them to talk to you over messages?

>>35020758
Because imagine youre in the kitchen cleaning and over the speaker phone you hear your mother going


He doesnt feed me enough
He doesnt take me to the bathroom when i ask to goto the bathroom
He doesnt do anything i ask him


Last night she peed on the floor i tried to clean it up but i had to pick the stuff off the floor to mop the floor and she didnt want me touching anything. Shes smiling talking about "leave and ill pick things up" 10 minutes later the stuff is still on the floor. So i picked everything up

Today shes complaining that i moved her stuff

TL:DR if youre going to talk shit about someone. Talk to them over messages why do you have to do it over SPEAKER PHONE

>>35020755
theres a broad at work ive been chatting with for a few weeks now. we have a lot in common, more than enough for the foundation of a romantic relationship. today she said she would bring me something to help with a diy project I am working on at home. she asked to be updated on my progess. i asked for her number to provide updates and made a joke about embarrassing myself doing a bad job with the project. she lol'd and said it would probably turn out fine. nothing about the ph# (entire convo happened on Slack)

>>35020764
Keep in mind i DO everything she asks. Shes just complainig that I dont do it .

This is the same woman that didnt pay the one bill i asked her to until the bill hit 16t00 and pseg shut it off

She crashed the car last year in october and i had to pay to get it out and she hasnt paid me back ONECE

>>35020277
Then work it out? Little by little is fine, you don't have to change overnight. I think anyone will get overwhelmed into inaction if they expect results immediately

The important thing is taking one single step. I think that's the most difficult one to do but it's very very very doable

>>35020764
because you said
>i tell them just talk to me over messages
>talk TO me over messages
you meant
>talk ABOUT me

why don't you just serve her 20% more of everything? sounds like a simple problem to solve. wants more food? give her more food.

>>35020778
Because there's no left overs left at that point.

Keep in mind im cooking alot. and i give her 2/3 of every meal. PLus additonal food becuase she claims to still be hungry, but if i fed her the exact amount of food everytime she asks she will eat until she throws up

>>35020767
ok now I understand. make no mistake, that's deliberate on her part.

>>35020781
sounds like you're too good at cooking. what's wrong with her anyway?

>>35020786
no shit. what are you, a woman?

>>35020793
sorry, I thought you were confused because you wrote
>now I dont know what the fuck to do

>>35020791
Depends what youre asking


In june after i assisted in her walking down the stairs she had the brilliant idea to walk up the stairs on her own even though she hadn't walked since october of 2026

if youre talking about generally

Depression
Blood pressure
Fractured ribs and spine
Her thyroid is removed so she cant regulate her blood pressure
chain smokes
Asthma
Liver failure and
Lung Cancer

>>35020797
i mean i dont know how Im supposed to pretend like she isnt a stupid cunt while I slowly withdrawal attention since its a dead end.

>>35020804
shit, that's a lot. do you have any siblings who can help out?

>>35020807
i have a sister but my mother hates her. She hates her so much that even though she has a grand daughter she doesnt recognize her as her grand daughter

>>35020805
not necessarily a dead end. this made me remember a thing from college. I was sitting next to this girl at lectures and after a week I asked her for her number and she basically ignored/sidestepped it. but then after another week or so she wrote her number herself in my notebook without me even asking. and as far as I know nothing had changed and I didn't get any better looking or richer or anything. so you can withdraw attention but not completely and maybe she'll be the one chasing you later

i miss my autistic ex gf

she was really good in bed, tight af, vocal, orgasmed easily. new gf doesn't need as much from me outside the bedroom but its hard to make her finish and she doesn't feel as good. also she is very vanilla and won't do it raw

is this a grass greener on the other side thing? my retard ex needed me to help her do basic things, but at least i was rewarded

>>35020816
its a dead end because shes a coward. i am only upset because it is so rare i bother to get this far.

>>35020824
>>my retard ex needed me to help her do basic things, but at least i was rewarded.

No it’s not the grass is greener on the other side. It’s codependency. Healthly people go for other healthy people. Seriously, stop going after the manic pixie dream girl.

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Ok, I'll just dox myself.
307

>>35020832
Bravery is masculine. Women are supposed to be cowards.

>>35020856
no one cares

>>35020877
K

>>35020856
Me when I really want to get swatted

>>35020870
no, men shouldn't be cowards, doesn't mean women should be.

>>35020847
>It's codependent to want to enjoy sex

You must be fun at parties

>>35020870
thats why i waited until the most obvious low pressure situation to ask for the phone number. Im not a moron hitting on every woman at work like its a night club or shoe store.
>>35020891
they are and they should be but only until backed into a corner. then its the mans responsibility to respect the rejection or marry her.

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>>35020896
Meh, sex is overrated. You do it and you’re lonely and depressed again. I rather read.

I like Samoan people, I think they are pretty cool.

>>35020459
Pass
>>35020201
Fail
>>35018739
Try again
>>35019749
Good luck

>>35020681
Probably doesn't want to cucked and broken.

>>35019948
He does use random initials sometimes when he larps as me or uses false narratives to convince her by manipulating her with fake stories that twist perception of me.

>>35020234
Dear Esther will change your opinion. Amazing philosophical journey

>>35021018
I'm not lonely or depressed? I have a girlfriend, just regretting breaking up with previous gf

>>35021027
at what?

Wow I love Cloudflare verifying I'm human on every page load on every website I visit! Thank God for AI crawlers, I'm so glad AI has yet again added another pointless inconvenience to everyone's lives!

>>35020444
Him calling you useless and yelling at you is HIM in the wrong. That is horrid behavior. Sorry you took that path.

>>35021102
At that thing.

>>35020444
Finished the rest of what you wrote. Agreed, he is horrid. I hope you have a support system with your folks to help you with the transition. Having multiple kids is going to make it difficult to meet a guy, as the bio dad is permanently a forever nag on the family. Being pregnant kills being with someone during that as well. I know I would really have to love the person but it does turn into a "wish we were together earlier, she had made better decisions" flaw that does impact perception.

Kimberly... you wanted me, and I wanted you too. Neither of us actually fully admitted it, but we both knew it. The day I had to go ghost and never return killed me, and I think about you daily still.

At the time, I just lived too fast, and it wasn't something I wanted to put you though. You were too good a person for somone like me. Kimberly... I love you.

>>35021178
No such thing as too fast or too slow. That balances when in person. She probably had outside agrivators on her side that convinced her.

>>35020651
Useful idiot.

>>35021184
*Convinced her for their own gain

>>35020200
Seems legit

>>35020234
Best take

Why does that fake stacy make fun of me, wtf idgi. I never did anything to her.

>>35021184
She was never convinced. She was about 5 years older than me, I was about 27 at the time, still in the army and sleeping around, drinking and partying every chance I got.

We were both just living our lives, flirting, sending sexy pics back and forth all the time, and were actually really good friends. She wanted to fly out to see me one time, but I told her not to simply because it was her vacation time and I was preparing for field exercises and didn't have much downtime. We used to talk all the time anyway though text, video, snap...

She stuck around though everything. I did the same for her. I was her shoulder, she was mine. I went ghost on her when I was just in a really dark place, and I lost all the contact information since.

I just wish things had gone another way.

>>35021141
*that* thing? *that* thing? HUH?

>>35021204
It honestly sounds like you two were more than friends. I don't know what to call it but it was definitely more than friends.

Why can't I share other people's excitement for things? I am literally unable to. Often, it just turns me off even if it's something I should be excited about.

Wish I could convey just how much I fucking despise all of you.

>>35020679
I could simply not cut. I am afraid I'm one of those person who "don't want to get better" or something. I just don't feel like it's worth not doing. I sometimes get stressed and afraid of what I do but most of the time I feel kind of apathetic about self harming. I know it's not ideal but it's kinda like. Does it really matter? And then I move on with my life.

Went to a shitty midwest anime convention about a week, maybe a week-and-a-half ago. Went to the artist alley because all the panels were dog shit. One booth has a shirt I like, being run by the cutest women I've seen in a long time. We talk a little bit while she's getting my shirt out of box behind the table. We talk about games, music from those games, her art inspirations, and a playlist she recommends to me. The conversation is brief but I strongly feel that we have the same interests, like I can immediately clock that she has the same kind of autism I do or some shit like that. I'm Immediately smitten.
And I do...nothing. Figuring it's better not to try and hit on the woman while she's basically at her day job. Pretty sure she's a fair bit younger than me as well, probably early or mid-20s, and I don't want to be a creep.
I keep thinking about her. How immediately comfortable she made me feel when talking to her. How I could've probably stayed there, maybe get to know her better. Other...uh...fantasies that I won't mention because I'm pretty sure this a sfw board.
I'm feeling a lot of things, and not really sure how to process the emotion since they're ones I don't really need to deal with very often. Shame for wanting her. Desire.Hatred at myself because I know I don't deserve it, even if I could have her. All over a small conversation. I'm so gross.

>>35021241
So then what were they?

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>used to love winter as a kid
>now hate it because its tax season
return my whimsy

>>35021250
Suicide helps

>>35021288
Well fucking do it then, seems like you've got it figured out. Not gonna sit here and pretend like you could ever give a fuck about anything I would say anyway. Doesn't matter. Never did. No one cares. Fuck you.

>>35021311
No, silly willy, I mean you kill ur self. That will end all your angwy lil feewings, make the world a better place.

>>35021339
haha xD oh!!! i totally didn't get it owo

Sincerely makes me feel really very ill. Really perturbs me.

>>35021347
Do you remember a place or time of safety and security? How far gone is it from you now, and just how far does it go?

>>35021178
>>35021204
Did you ever fuck her? Why didn't you snap out of it and just say what your feelings were?

Im sorry, my little one. You don’t have to want me.

>>35021186
Oxymoron.

>almost gooned myself into going on onlyfans
>it requires you to scan your ID
saved me

>>35018397

For the past couple months, I've lost the ability to handle alcohol. I no longer get a buzz. It makes me sick. Even the smell of it turns me off. Yet I keep binging it every weekend hoping that I could let loose and not be an antisocial hermit, but to no avail. Even worse, I still get hangovers and they are 10x worse than ever. I get pounding headaches, nausea to the point where I don't want to leave my bed. Takes days just for my hands to stop shaking. Just bizarre. On one hand I'm feel free from addiction because I definitely have an alcohol problem, but on the other hand, I have no idea what to do now. It's consumed so much of my life and shaped my personality, and I still feel like I can't feel normal and social without it, so I'm back to just staying in my room.

>>35021143
I wouldn't ever pursue a relationship desu. Too into true crime to know that predatory men seek out single moms. Maybe a fling/fwb situation in 5 years but never an actual boyfriend and definitely never getting married again.

I know I wont feel as alone being on my own in our own space than I do in this house.

At least i can say I genuinely tried. Did the therapy, was vulnerable time and time again.

I never wanted perfection, I just wanted a teammate. At some point he saw me as his opponent. Not even that, like I'm the waterboy and he's the quarterback.

i think she sold our pokemon cards
me and my brother had a big collection of pokemon cards very old ones and tons of holographic cards in a binder. we saved it in our familys shared closet for storing stuff so we can sell them for more later. these cards we bought when pokemon just came out. old and valuable. i went to go grab it but its gone and nobody has seen it. Well my sister whos never had a job in her life out of nowhere has tons of money. she bought herself new gaming systems and stuff for her pets a tv and clothes and a phone and furniture. money she refuses to explain how she got. when you ask her she gets really angry/defensive and will lash out at you. tells everyone you are harassing her making herself a victim so i look bad for just asking. She would do something like this too because shes done a lot of selfish things and it wouldnt surprise me if she did. shes literally evil

you're fucking your fwb while you wait for me to come back? well i ain't coming back, skank.

>>35021513
who is fucking who? I ain't fucking no one. my fwb is down there, way away, though you surely would never mean me.

>>35021526
the bitch i'm talking about has no way of knowing that i know, if that helps narrow it down. i may be dumb, but i'm not as dumb as she thinks.

>>35018397
gioyc
goy ick

>>35021513
Ain’t nobody wants you back dummy. Not even Mary. Your ego so high, you think girls wait for you when they have options and orbiters chasing them. Fool someone new that’s your only best bet. Goddesses and sluts are married or taken.

>>35021533
astral projecting into my gfs bedroom to catch her cheating.

>>35020650
Good anon. I don't know. I wish euthanasia was an option.

>>35021197
Garbage take. Games are as much an art as movies and literature.

>>35021383
>Says My little one
Garbage person

>>35021420
>Predatory men seek out single moms
Huh? I've never heard that. To be fair before you were a mom you chose a garbage trash tier guy.

>I know I wont feel as alone being on my own in our own space than I do in this house.
You won't be alone. You have the kids.

>At least i can say I genuinely tried. Did the therapy, was vulnerable time and time again.
You did try. Just should of cut your losses much much earlier instead of kept digging into the ground

>I never wanted perfection, I just wanted a teammate
He saw you as someone to fuck and get his rocks off. Any effort and just yelled at you until you shut up and spread your legs again. He was always like this. Doesn't take 2+ kids and marriage to see that someone is a waste of your life and setting yourself up for a horrid existence.

Hopefully next life you don't make the mistake to marry someone like that and if you do, divorce before having sex with them

>>35021546
You are just lashing out at random posters. Take your meds

>>35021543
How the mighty have fallen.

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>>35021660
This is probably the least "mighty" serial on this entire website.

>>35021347
Good, now do it.

>>35021709
People will raise kids on fucking meth and still look at me funny. All the same. Fuck off.

>>35021669
Nobody has told you

>>35021282
Return the slab.

I actually feel like my life's over if I lose this election. I've been disassociating the entire time too, and I only really realized that this has been happening while doorknocking. Maybe the monotonous nature of doorknocking puts me in a bit of a trance, but I stand there at the doors like "Jesus, am I seriously doing this?" The answer, of course, is that yes, I am doing this because I'm unemployable anywhere else. I try not to beat myself up too much for this, since AI will automate most jobs, but it kills me to see how many jobs I've applied to without success. The fucked up this is that even if I do win, I'll be back at it again in 4 years, campaigning and risking the humiliation of public failure for fairly mid wages. I seriously need to find my way into federal office, not because I even particularly want to do federal politics (I like the area, but the workload is severe), but because I need a comfy pension. That's honestly all I want at this point. I don't need to live like a king, just to have a good enough of a pension to know that I'll be okay if I never manage to find another job again.

1/10 chance of surviving suicide by gunshot. Grim.

>>35021806
odds too high for you?

>>35021813
Well, I'd be much worse off if I DO survive. I'm now looking into fentynal but that seems unreliable to get a hold of. Not sure what to do. Just wanna be free like I was before I was born. Not particularly depressed. I just know nothing I ever want is possible so why go on, you know? There really should be legalized euthanasia for people like me. Unprofessional suicide is so traumatic.

>>35021826
>Not particularly depressed. I just know nothing I ever want is possible so why go on, you know?
you sound extremely depressed

For the first time in a year I am feeling optimistic
Will the other shoe drop? Perhaps...

Applied for a job I really want, don't think I was going to get it anyway but I've just realised I sent off my CV with several bad spelling errors. So I've totally fucked it and now feel awful.

My only regret is not being to make my ex happy.

>>35021956
cuck

>>35021914
Happened to me. Now I’m miserable, even more than I was.
Never get your hopes up.

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>>35021975
happened to me after happening to me I'm happy and stable now been two or three years just keep going!

>>35021966
How is wanting to bring happiness that?

>>35021980
It’s been over a decade since I could call myself happy without it immediately backfiring. I don’t got a lot of just keep going left in me, bud.

>>35022043
not him but i literally was depressed bedrotting for 15 years and now i finally have a life and was able to escape my bad situation and abusers you can do it nigga

>>35022074
unless his chief abuser is himself which is often the case

I regret not investing my money earlier.
Because I hate working 9-5

>>35018397
Finally doing what she would never let me.
Go into something I actually love WAHEY

>>35022104
Second I pay off my debt mountain I'm throwing a good £400 into my isa a month, probably should make that £800-1000

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Just went to another pointless job interview. I didn’t even want the job. It was a government computer operator job. Place’s too far from home. Just being in the soulless sterilized office made me lose hope to live. It was just another humiliation ritual

>>35021918
follow up to this: have though about re-applying to it again, but I think that would make me look like a total retard. Thoughts?

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Do these 3 look alike? I swear they do but my friend has said in the past that I have face blindness

My dad yelling and being mad (at me or at TV or anything else) makes me feel on edge and like I did something bad even if I haven't.
I could do anything else to distract myself from it but I kinda just wanna hurt myself almost for the sake of it? Like I almost don't really care anymore that I'm a self-harming piece of shit. I accept that as part of who I am and there's that.

>>35021408
I quit 3 years ago and I had the same thoughts about socializing and personality. Honestly, I don't miss it one bit. I found new things to do that don't revolve around bars/alcohol. I was in your boat.There's a good life waiting after alcohol.

>>35022294
one thing I always wanted to ask self harmers: what is the part of self harming that's the point? is it the damage? the pain? or the intention of what you're doing?

My intentions to believe have led me down inside a hole

>>35022158
depends on what you mean by "look alike" they do look similar but I'd never confuse any for the others

>>35022158
No more face blind than me.

Working isn't worth it

>>35022391
i know what you mean

Now that I have a sign, I have to face the reality that you really just don't want to talk to me and I'm just being a crazy stalker. Sorry about that.

This is NOT Mike to Maria btw.

I am almost 30 years old and I genuinely cannot think of a situation in which me being a nice person has led to anything positive. Not just for me, but for the other people involved in the situation as well.

>>35022509
What gave it away? For me it was an old social media post that explained exactly why she was keeping me at arms' length for so long.

>>35021839
I think I'm fine. I just don't want to be alive anymore because I wasted all my chances of life satisfaction.

>>35022587
yeah dude that sounds like massive depression
people who aren’t depressed generally don’t say shit like “my life is wasted and i want to be dead”

>>35022509
Got it. Thank for letting us know colton. Now stop bothering mike and maria

>>35022627
I got old and ugly, I found out all my ex-friends that I used to love were sabotaging me out of envy because I used to be very attractive and cool, and now I'll likely be alone for the rest of my life. It's just boring and pointless to be alive as nothing good will ever happen in my future again as I wasted all my chances at high life satisfaction.

>>35022652

this is also not colton to anyone. this was just me to my person. i have no relation to colton, mike, or maria.

i'm actually rooting for Mike. OK?!

>>35022304
I think it depends on the person and the circumstances. For teenagers it's often a social thing where they want to belong to a group and they all start self-harming. So an identity thing. In adults or in contexts without the social aspect it's usually something like self-punishment (similar to how inducing vomiting is sometimes not weight-related but just a way of punishing oneself), sometimes it's because you are dissociated and numb and it helps you feel something, sometimes it's because you are not capable of validating your own emotions (due to depression, trauma, etc) so you end up hurting yourself to have "real evidence" that something happened/went wrong. As a response to self-invalidation/self-gaslighting of sorts.

So it can be a mix of things. Some people do it for the pain, some for the act of hurting themselves itself, it really depends. It's related with depression and traumagenic conditions.

The problem is that it actually does work pretty well at what it does (in the short term) lmao. If anything I almost feel like the question is why people don't self harm more ig

>>35022304
I self-harm as practice so I can get over the mental block I have that keeps me from slitting my wrists.

Things are looking pretty grim all over the world.

>>35022735
Yep.

>>35022713
>>35022722
I know this will be clueless advice that self harmers have been given lots of times but [spoiler]why not go to the gym? if you want to punish yourself, the gym's got that in spades. and the weights will shred your palms so you'll get pain too as well as muscle soreness the following days.[/spoiler]

>>35022748
why does the text box implement [spoiler]ctrl+s[/spoiler] if the board won't render spoilers?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGQjyGT1-mc

>>35022748
>>35022722 (Me)
I self harm not because I want to punish myself, but because I want to stop being miserable and none of my problems have actionable solutions. So, y’know, eject button.

Quit fucking virtue signalling. It doesn't make you look good. Just accept that you're old and that people are going to see you as a boomer.

>>35022751
Because the devs don't give a shit.

>>35022668
Good man.

>>35022748
1. I'm lazy.
2. I kinda want to feel like shit. I struggle with accepting my own emotions sometimes. I feel like I am constantly making up my malaise, being dramatic, exaggerating. Hurting myself gives me some temporary relief from that. I cannot keep insulting myself and repressing every single attempt at self compassion if there's blood running down my legs, you know.
3. I guess in a way you could ask this about other bad coping mechanisms, no? Why don't you go to the gym instead of smoking weed? Why don't you bake instead of betting online? Why don't you go out with your friends instead of X, Y, Z? It's good advice, mind you. That's what they often teach you in therapy, to self-regulate enough that you can use another outlet for what you feel. But it's not always something people are capable of willing to do. That's why addictions exist.

>>35022779
>I guess in a way you could ask this about other bad coping mechanisms, no? Why don't you go to the gym instead of smoking weed?
Because smoking weed is pleasant? The gym (at least for me) is pure torture, I feel like absolute shit every time. So I thought if feeling something bad is the point of self harm, maybe going to the gym would work? Again, I'm completely ignorant on the psychology of self harm so I realize it's probably dumb useless advice.

>>35022768
Fighting words on an anonymous image board. Ooo that person is so scared of you! Man you’re a loser. That person is better than you in every which way. That’s why you’re a jealous stalker.

You’re for the streets.

>>35022809
Mary is. Why you think she’s divorced and ran throught with high body count. I’m embarrassed for her daughters.

>>35022795
You are desperate to push this narrative

>>35022864
It’s the truth and you deflect because you can’t handle it. You’re a loser who uses 4chan to write to someone who doesn’t give a damn about your loser ass.

>>35022785
I mean it's not useless, that's what they try to teach you in therapy, sort of.
The types of therapy they use to treat self-harm (like DBT) are usually the same ones you use to treat addictions and eating disorders.
Hurting yourself can feel pleasant too. When you are overwhelmed by guilt or numbness, causing yourself pain can feel like relief. There's also the biochemical aspect of it: when you cut you basically release a cocktail for different hormones and neurotransmitters that can induce a state of calmness and satisfaction in the body.
I guess this feels anti intuitive if you've never experienced it, but sometimes hurting yourself feels good. For some people pain and pleasure are kind of intertwined mentally. If you've always been told/have learned that you are worthless and disgusting, calling yourself worthless and disgusting can feel familiar, relaxing, relieving. So it's similar.

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34 KB JPG

FUCK I'm sick and I have the shits

You've mistreated me so many times that I shouldn't stick around any longer. No sane person would. But you also don't know any better. You're immature, you're an adult who doesn't know how to take care of yourself. And there might come a day when you realize you need someone dependable to lean on. And despite everything, you were there for me when I needed it most. You just failed me over and over after that. I'm torn.

>>35022903
>If you've always been told/have learned that you are worthless and disgusting, calling yourself worthless and disgusting can feel familiar, relaxing, relieving
I get it now! I guess I've been doing mental self harm for a long time. At least if I have scars they're on the inside

>>35022867
You dont even know who you are talking to and projecting your own issues. You have no place to dictate how a foid feels about a moid. You gave no idea her feelings or any if it. You are just creating this harmful narrative and yelling at random anons. Mind your own business.

>>35021651
I keep thinking over everything and I dread being a single mom so much. So what if he verbally/emotionally hurts me? I just want to be present for my kids - if we divorce I would have to go to work...

I did a lot of work cleaning the house today- baked a couple things - had a good day with the kids- I already have the hope he will notice and say something. Maybe that makes me the problem - why do I set my expectation for happiness on him? Why not just let myself be happy/proud of my accomplishments

It's like we're both waiting for the other person to be kind/affectionate first. I think there's hope - maybe in years from now.

I'm not a fan of ultimatums but maybe there's just no motivation to change his behavior/anger problems.

Then there's the guilt of what possible harm this environment is inflicting upon our kids. Then it seems like a no brainer to bail.

It feels like a literal no-win situation.

Im invisible to women. I'm 21 years old, 183cm or 6 feet, average build. I dont have a receding hairline. I take care of myself, i dont struggle in school, i have hobbies and topics im passionate about. I have male friends. I dont treat people like shit but i can get really quiet at times. Yet I havent attracted a single woman in my life. I dont consider myself handsome due to insecurities but i am not a gargoyle. I havent been on a single date despite trying.

>>35023009
>maybe in years from now
No, he has shown you who he is and you are choosing to see him as who you want him to be, and you see he is not the person that actually makes you happy and fufilled. You chose wrong. You are wasting your life and giving experiences and love to the wrong person. Your unhappiness will fester and grow until you blame him for your wasted youth and opportunity to be with the person you were meant to be with. Dont get pregnant or have kids. That would be a huge mistake. Move out, cut ties, divorce at a distance, and go the right direction instead of losing true love in this life. Choosing to go forward with who you are with is a not the right decision and if your married him, you knew this before then too. You could of turned around and you didnt. Dont keep doing this to yourself.

>>35022795
This is about a relative of mine, not someone I want to threaten. You're reading into this shit too much.

>>35023040
I've been on 17 first dates before I got my first girlfriend. I kept a log.