For context: last year in June, my best friend suggested I meet an acquaintance of his girlfriend, who is single. She is/was 19 and, according to him, interested in culture, very active etc. He didn't tell me much more about her in our brief initial conversation. So my knowledge about her was very limited. While I was interested in meeting her during that conversation, my attitude towards the idea changed in the following weeks. I found myself thinking a lot about a potential relationship again which I have never been into (I'm 23). To be honest, I hadn't expected the suggestion and despite nothing happening in the weeks ahead it confused me that I kept coming back to the idea of meeting her and couldn't let go. I was preoccupied with conflicting thoughts and feelings: on the one hand, wanting a relationship and closeness, but on the other hand, experiencing strong doubts. In various reflections, I realized that I was revisiting themes from my childhood. Through negative experiences, I've learned that I can (or must) earn love, or rather, that emotional openness isn't beneficial for me. Not making an effort was associated with the likelihood of devaluation and the potential withdrawal of affection. Because the connection wouldn't develop organically, but rather be decided "over my head," it feels as if I hadn't done enough to get to know her - so the easy way to bush everything off. It felt too easy because I didn't have to convince her or prove my worth. Despite everything, any experiences beyond the initial contact are, of course, in my hands and are again linked to the issue of effort. I don't believe this posed a real problem that would stand in the way of getting to know her. I think it's more likely that by overanalyzing (because things felt uncertain), I've tried to find various things that didn't suit me and why I don't actually want to get to know her, even though the desire for a relationship was present within me.
Looking back, even before we met, I try to avoid the relationship and the associated openness and potential rejection/hurt, and I withdraw preventively. This way, in the event of a negative experience, I avoid parts of myself feeling validated and having internalized thought patterns like "I don't deserve love" or "Intimacy is painful" activated. Perhaps the familiar longing for closeness feels "safer" than the actual experience. In a way, it's also a clear pattern and a repetition of the experience I had with another woman previously. To avoid rejection/potential emotional hurt, I'm also trying to sabotage even the slightest spark. Not by rejecting myself for her sake, but by realizing that it doesn't feel right or good. Of course, I could argue whether it might be better this way, but the fact is, I don't want to create an unfavorable relationship experience for myself/her. The possibility of unconditional love feels foreign to me because it's far more than just acceptance; it's also about being seen and accepted with my problems.Looking back, the mental effort I put into this situation was not really appropriate, considering we only met once and there was no further contact. Now, a year has passed. I've been to therapy again and made some good progress in many different areas. Only in regards of romantic relationships simply nothing happened. I do have a social live, friends, volunteer, do meditation, occasionally go to social events but so far the amount of women my age I've met was very litte let alone anyone being attracted to me. So I was wondering if it is even worth bothering working on this topic in a therpeutic context when there is literally no one to "experiment with". What do you think? I guess there is nothing more I can do than to be socially active and surround myself with people including potential partners, right?
>>35020107I was similar for years. You can spend all the time in the world pathologizing it, you can psychoanalyze it all day, you can revisit your childhood or forecast the future forever. Nothing will change the discomfort or anxiety, no amount of thinking will make a dent in it. What you're supposed to do is acknowledge it is going to suck it's going to feel weird, forced, uncomfortable and uncertain. You acknowledge that as certain as expecting the sun to come up in the morning, and then you go and do it anyway. Don't wait for a burst of confidence or good feelings first before attempting it, never think you are supposed to wait for a special mindset or holy magic alignment of moods. You just go and you do it. Don't even think about consequences or what ifs or maybes, just do it and after it's done then and only then do you count the aftermath.
>>35020112So the goal is simply to approach people without overthinking and acknowledging that due to my past it will be uncomfortable. Sounds like a plan
>>35020137Yes. The only way out is through simplicity. If the simplicity feels like shit, do it anyway because a painful step forward is still a step forward. Complexity and rumination and pathologizing is an endless mire that will keep you stuck. Good luck.
