Growing up, my parents systematically molded me to be subservient. They constantly compared me to everyone i knew a damaging habit they still refuse to drop today. iam currently stuck living with them because i am in college and cannot afford to move out, a situation made even harder because my grades are suffering.Lately i've been overwhelmed by a deep, suffocating sense of selfloathing. i struggle to respect myself or even figure out how to function like a "normal" person. I only truly realize how warped my reality is during rare, fleeting boosts of confidence. In those moments of clarity, I look back and realize how profoundly humiliating my everyday behavior is: i constantly make myself the butt of the joke, invite people to laugh at me, overapologize for even existing!, and live in absolute terror of confrontation. Yet paradoxically, stepping outside of that trauma response feels terrifying; feeling genuinely happy or acting "normal" feels incredibly awkward and uncomfortable.I deeply resent my parents for what they did to me. The proof of their damage lies in my sisters, who were spared from being beaten over every minor inconvenience and were never subjected to constant degradation. Unsurprisingly, they turned out completely normal. It makes me want to cry when I contrast their lives with how shitty i feel. Now, i only find solace in total isolation. I avoid interacting with anyone because I can no longer tolerate the agonizing overthinking that follows, nor can I stand being treated as a joke even when things actually go my way.
>>35024622Your biggest problem is that low self esteem you got there. Those moments of clarity you’re describing are moments where you compare the reality of what you are to the reality of the situation. Things are good in that moment because you’re not shitting all over yourself. You see that you’re good enough for the things you’re faced with.But you fall back into this low self esteem because you’re intellectualizing it too much. You’re effectively thinking and saying logical things about how and why it all happened and what could have been different but you’re missing the elephant in the room (consistently, not during the moments of clarity) that you don’t have to be or do any of that. You know it’s not true FOR SURE but you’re still exploring how and why it’s not true. Let all that shit go and start aligning what you think of yourself with what you actually are.Sometimes it helps to try to think from outside yourself. Try to imagine that I am the one asking this question (and I have exactly your life right now) and you’re trying to give me advice through a critical greentext. Pick apart the wrongs in my thinking with the greentext but be playful about it. In other words, criticize yourself the same way you would criticize others. I’d guess you’re a lot less harsh with others than you are with yourself. Turn some of your compassion inward to yourself and make your mind a comfortable place to live in.
>>35024636>Pick apart the wrongs in my thinking with the greentext but be playful about it.i couldn’t have said it better myself. If i were to look at "YOU" occupying my exact life i would tell you that you shouldn’t be so harsh on yourself, and that the way you think will slowly but surely change over timeBut dragging myself back to reality or rather, the cesspit i currently live in it truly feels like my brain chemistry has been hardwired to engineer my own downfall. istruggle with deeply -ingrained trauma- responses that feel entirely out of my conscious control. For example i jump at loud noises that trigger echoes of my childhood, and i experience a visceral fear around men who physically resemble my father. My heart pounds and anxiety spikes for absolutely no reason, even during low stakes interactions like thinking about talking to someone or simply sending a text!!!!?i don't know how to fix this because it doesn't feel like a choice, it feels biological. If i were to critique this frame of mind using your the "greentext" advice, I would call it ultimate doom posting. A person trapped in this cycle is suffering from -severe learned helplessness- they are completely locked into a mindset where they believe no escape is possible, because their nervous system tells them they are constantly under attack.
>>35024674I can relate to that a lot. My mom beat the fuck out of me and was emotionally abusive in ways that it would be unhealthy for me to relive here. It was bad. Clattering dishes can nearly make me cry in an instant and nobody will ever understand.In my case, I ended up getting out of there and set up for a good life because J got a gf at the end of high school whose family basically adopted me. I was able to do my later adolescent development and early adulthood with better people around. I also got therapy. I live a surprisingly normal life for what you’d expect from a 4chan user and people actually do like me. I have a lot of friends and people would probably describe me as really good socially speaking.But I still walk so silently that I scare people around the office or if I walk into a store without a bell. I still jump at screaming. The dishes. Other stuff too and that shit’s not going away. I guess the point is, does it really matter though? Those things happen to me and they’re unpleasant but is it really so different than a snotty sneaze? If it happens in a way other people see, they have no reason to know why that happened so just don’t tell them. Just play it off>wow you spookered me really bad there!People are allowed to be kinda jumpy sometimes. Just laugh it off. If it happens when literally nobody sees, then it is literally nothing to me. Just something that involuntarily happened. Just be glad we don’t have tourette’s and spout the n word all the time. It’s not a humiliation for it to happen to you and it doesn’t need to be a reminder to relive it. It sucks and you have something like a scar but stop picking at it.
>>35024698Oh and at the risk of being called gay this is a song that helped mehttps://youtu.be/8rcWXaRMzK0I like this one toohttps://youtu.be/BdDFiBXdCYM
>>35024767>NO ONE FUCKS WITH ME LIKE I DOnice
Man, trauma, I'm gonna add my own esoteric twist to this OPI was there 10 years ago, I was afraid of every interaction, to go buy food, I was afraid of walking on the street. Basically I was a lower life form that didn't have the basic capacity of functioning normally, for example some guys could walk alone at night because they had the basic drive/capacity to defend themselves. I wasn't that, I didn't have the basic aptitude to exist on my own.That all changed when I decided to add psionic weight to every action. When I decided that my singular person is enough, and that I didn't need any outside factor to allow me to exist. My own singular existence was all that I needed to exist. I didn't need any permission, I didn't need any reason, I didn't even need any motivation. My whole single full existence was all the reason to exist. If anything wanted me gone, anything could try to erase me from existence.If you think I shouldn't be here or I shouldn't do this or that, then you're welcome to stop me. I invite opposition because that sharpens my ultimate form. In opposition I refine myself, in contrast I reveal my method.That's the moment when I first gained awareness of what I call "psionic weight" basically the stuff that leaves a print onto reality.These days I invite opposition and conflict, I welcome it. I can't wait for it, every uncomfortable interaction, every hard talk, every stressful moment only hardens my resolve and sharpens my edge. And interestingly enough, everywhere I go I leave the place better than the state I found it in. Tension builds up and people are afraid of the snap, I cause it. And every time it snaps, the result is always something better.
>>35024867ok
>>35024622I've had my fair share of traumatic experiences growing up and ended up feeling exactly like you. My youth is mostly gone as a result.Life is not fair, and people get "happy" lives many times don't deserve while other people who are suffering worse than you don't deserve it either. Life isn't about being fair, though, it's about being fulfilled, and those people who you see as happy are fighting a lot in their own marriage life and will find ways to make their superior circumstances miserable. You gained the necessary experiences to be better than them, you just need to act on it.
>>35024622>>35024636>>35024698My parents framed me for crime after crime, and basically used that strategy to keep ke trapped with them like Cinderella. They would spread lies far and wide that I was a freak, predator, etc, until one day, after years and years, people figured them out and started avoiding them. By the time they turned 60 people started asking questions. Like, if he’s so bad why are you forcing him to live with you? Thats how my life got fixed. After a certain amount of time goes by people will start to sniff out the truth on their own. Eventually I was eventually able to beat them in court and got my freedom.
>>35025718>Eventually I was eventually able to beat them in court and got my freedom.fucking based. All the best, dude!
