Why can't I forgive my mother for abandoning me? I've posted about this before. She's apologized, she knows what she did was wrong and that she failed me. It doesn't make me feel better. I'm still furious at her and I feel bad that I am furious at her, but I still am. This is the initial source of all my friendship insecurity. I feel like my heart is very black and cold.
Your feelings are valid. Abandoning a child is fucked up, and she isn't automatically owed your forgiveness.
>>35061014>Your feelings are valid. Abandoning a child is fucked upI wasn't a young child if that matters, I was about 15. I didn't see her for more than a couple hours at a time once a week or so until I was 18. She left me to live with my abusive grandparents who also contributed to my low self worth
>>35061036>I wasn't a young child if that matters, I was about 15.Doesn't matter.
>>35060926Who said you need to forgive her?
>>35060926>I feel like my heart is very black and coldtowards your mother? thats ok.towards the world.... do some deep thinking then. regarding mom...you need to sniff out if shes got redeeming qualities or had redeeming reasons. that might open the road to forgiveness, but it doesnt make a difference as to how you feel about it.
>>35061261She does have redeeming qualities and she is my friend now, and I know she does genuinely care about me now. But she had no redeeming reasons at the time. She left me there to go live with her boyfriend and do heroin.
>>35061274Well okay, but someone's gotta fo the heroin. People work hard growing, producing and transporting that shit, don't you think it's kind of selfish to expect it to just sit on the shelf?
>>35061274You dont owe her forgiveness. Some people find that forgiveness help them, but if thats not for you you dont have to do it. Fuck that bitch, she left you she doesn't get to take it back.
You don't have to forgive her to move on or continue your relationship with her. The Christian ideal of forgiveness is stupid.She wouldn't have made a great mother for you then. She does what she did because of her personality and circumstances. There isn't a grand karmic system that rewards you for her decisions. You have to work with how your mother naturally is if you want to get anywhere.
>>35060926>>35061036Forgive her for your own sake, but realize that forgiveness isn't the same as being able to trust or love someone.
>>35060926>I'm still furious at her and I feel bad that I am furious at herYou're allowed to be angry. You've got enough problems dealing with how you actually do feel, without getting hung up on how you think you should feel. I'm sure you aren't just upset about the fact that you had to live with your grandparents, you're upset because they abused you and your mother, whose job it was to protect you, put you into that situation and didn't help. That's completely reasonable!Where's your father in all this, incidentally? Why aren't you angry at him? It may help slightly to remember that forgiveness DOES NOT mean saying "What you did was okay." Forgiveness means saying "What you did was not okay, could not possibly have been okay, and never will be okay, but nonetheless I am choosing to stop being angry about it." Find things to distract yourself. Start doing yoga, or mindfulness, or some other kind of relaxation/meditation technique. Whatever you do, don't indulge your anger: don't, for example, start hitting a punch bag, or working out furiously - that doesn't release the anger, it reinforces it. (Which is not to say you shouldn't exercise: you absolutely should, just don't try to use it as a way of dealing with anger).Do you have a therapist? This is the kind of situation where therapy tends to work well: where you have a specific, well-defined therapeutic goal.
>>35061781>You're allowed to be angry.>It may help slightly to remember that forgiveness DOES NOT mean saying "What you did was okay." Forgiveness means saying "What you did was not okay, could not possibly have been okay, and never will be okay, but nonetheless I am choosing to stop being angry about it." Forgiveness is a meme. You're why.
>>35061811>You're why.What, singlehandedly? Cool.
>>35061781>Where's your father in all this, incidentally? Why aren't you angry at him?In another state 1000 miles away. They divorced when I was 5 and he ceased being a regular part of my life when I was about 13. I'm angry at him too but it's more disconnected since I barely see himI have been thinking about seeing a therapist, I never have before. The thing that bothers me most about this actually isn't not being able to forgive my mother, it's how these problems affect my adult friendships. I find it so difficult to trust that people really like me and aren't going to reject me.
why would a heroin addict reproduce. if she gave up on herself at like 16 17, then whats the point of having a kid?your mom was probably a girl that grew up in the 90s, gave up on life early and starting having fun hooking up/ using drugs in 9/10th grade or smtg, then had a child for stability and less so a sense of purpose, even then shed be doing it for herself.good news is most of life is genetic anyway so her heading out at 15 isnt something you should complain about. boys used to turn 13 and get initiated. are you going to blame a heroin addict girl for not staying with a failed investment?
>>35060926You shouldn't forgive your mother after what she did but one day she will be gone and then you won't get another chance to see or know her.
>>35062319lol nigga said nothing just trying to confuse you LMAO
>>35062309>your mom was probably a girl that grew up in the 90s, gave up on life early and starting having fun hooking up/ using drugs in 9/10th grade or smtg>good news is most of life is genetic anyway so her heading out at 15 You hit the nail right on the head, wow. She did run away when she was 15
IVE GOT A GOOD IDEA! u dont. lol
