I'm nearing 30 and have done pretty well by the usual metrics, have a steady relationship of almost 10 years, several qualifications that have lead to well paying but ultimately boring jobs, a roof over my head and no major debts. I've worked a lot of jobs in many fields and never found one I liked nor do I think any form of employment will ever bring me satisfaction so I do not want to pin my hopes on that shit. As far things go I'm well covered for my needs in life and continually working towards bettering myself. I'm totally unhappy however, I have hobbies but they mostly feel like chores because my motivation is typically "I want to get good at this to make money/be recognised for having a skill" so inevitably I burn out as I don't enjoy the process. I want to be more creative and contribute things to the world rather than just do my job that's soulless but I'm not good at anything else, I've tried so many hobbies/crafts/interests and hardly any have stuck. If I didn't have the need for a roof over my head and people depending on me I'd just sit at home playing video games and watching movies, but that makes me feel an immeasurable amount of self-hatred for simply consuming and wasting my life. I go through cycles of "fuck it it doesnt matter because i could die tomorrow" to "i need to live life to the fullest and try my best". It causes me to have an internal meltdown every 2 - 3 months as I get overwhelmed one way or the other.tl:dr how I stop feeling like>work is all I am good at but I fucking hate it>I suck at anything creative but hate doing it because it feels like I am forcing myself to do it and getting upset that I'm not good at it>I can't relax because I hate myself for not being productive or creative
>>35068377Im a creative and let me say it's worth it in the sense that you have tons of meaning in your life and are always happily chipping away at a goal. But it's also a living hell, at least it can be. I spent ten years learning to make music and while I'm really really really good now I often feel like I'm so deep in that whatever happens happens I have entered stream entry there is no physical way to back out now.
Honestly? You don't accept. I'm pretty talented at the projects I'm in the middle of. The problem is I've gotten lazy and no longer feel that drive or anxiety about proving myself like the one you're feeling. It pushed me to learn and get better. I'd cross some kind of milestone and get a rush when I realized I was actually good at what I was doing. But like all things, I get my dopamine hit, get bored of the project, and leave it abandoned. All the unfinished projects made me stop beginning new ones because my lack of commitment passed the early stages.I haven't solved my problems, but I think you may need to keep looking for your creative outlet. I know that sounds ridiculous because who doesn't already know what what they would enjoy, right? Well, I didn't realize how much I enjoyed certain things until I disocvered them over the last couple of years. Even if I don't finish something, I still get the enjoyment from working on them. Maybe do something with Youtube? Nothing big, but get you an avatar and start talking about random shit you want to talk about. You might find an audience.
>>35068403What kind of projects do you work on, anon?
>>35068412Well I can't get into specifics because I have communities of people actually waiting for me to release shit. Mostly it's game development related and some writing/ animated TV stuff I'm doing.The thing is, I'm talented. I often get a decent following on any of my projects. I'm fully capable of doing them 100% to completion. I just make the mistake of announcing shit and it instantly becomes obligation. I don't know why I do that to myself. I like the acknowledgement and affirmation, but I know I can't work on stuff creatively if I feel obligated. Yet I do it over and over again under different aliases.
>>35068377What's your job?
>>35068377>I do not want to pin my hopes on that shitGood. Never confuse a job with a hobby, there's a reason that employers have to pay you lots of money to do that work.
>>35068424can you make my malfoid edits
>>35068377>I have hobbies but they mostly feel like chores because my motivation is typically "I want to get good at this to make money/be recognised for having a skill" so inevitably I burn out as I don't enjoy the process.Every practice session should be enjoyable. If it's not enjoyable, then you are doing it too often and trying too hard.There are people who train all the time and they enjoy it, but if that's not you, then don't force it. It's ok to get good slowly rather than trying to rush.>If I didn't have the need for a roof over my head and people depending on me I'd just sit at home playing video games and watching movies, but that makes me feel an immeasurable amount of self-hatred for simply consuming and wasting my life. Wasting your life is just a concept. The truth is that there's no purpose anyway, we're all going to die. It won't matter if you wasted your life or not. You will be too dead to care.
>>35069018Currently I'm a spreadsheet-jockey for a multinational company, it's low stress and i work from home most of the time which is nice but I have this fear that if I lose this job it might kill me mentally to have to go back to commuting and speaking to people in real life. i used to work in the medical field, and before that a bunch of labour/service jobs.
>>35068377Unironically try doing psychedelics. Either 2 tabs of of 100ug acid or 3g ish of shrooms. Do it solo. Last time I did that last year I had a bunch of random art supplies ready and then I just listened to music and tried random things until I found something that was fun and I could do just for the sake of enjoying the process and not for the purpose of creating something good or being better than others at something if you know what I mean. Also doing psychedelics will help you re-evaluate your life and help you realize what is actually fulfilling for you. You are at a interesting stage of your life where everything can be maintained on autopilot, so the trick is to find something to do that you do that isn't for the point of routine but instead motivates everything else
