I'd like to order the chef's special, although I want to make a few substitutions, so please don't start cooking until the kitchen has confirmed that every ingredient and preparation requirement can be satisfied. I want a dish of hand-dived Japanese abalone, but the abalone must have been harvested from waters between 15 and 20 meters deep on a Tuesday morning, preferably during a falling tide. It should be paired with bluefin tuna belly that has been aged for exactly 17 days, Spanish saffron harvested from La Mancha, white Alba truffles from Piedmont, 24-month-aged Parmigiano Reggiano, black garlic fermented for 90 days, and Himalayan pink salt that has been hand-ground immediately before use. For the citrus component, I'd like Amalfi lemon, but only the zest of lemons harvested during the previous winter, combined with finger lime from Australia and a very small amount of aged Japanese yuzu kosho.For the sauce, I want a reduction made from a 1996 vintage Madeira, 30-year-old balsamic vinegar from Modena, first-press extra virgin olive oil from a single Sicilian estate, clarified French butter, veal stock reduced for 48 hours, lobster shells roasted at exactly 210°C, dried porcini mushrooms from Umbria, kombu harvested from Hokkaido, and a teaspoon of liquid produced by soaking dried morels overnight in spring water. Please strain the sauce through progressively finer silk filters until it is completely smooth, then clarify it using an egg-white raft, but don't let it become cloudy, because I find cloudy sauces visually aggressive.
The seafood component should include Norwegian king crab, Scottish langoustine, Maine lobster, Galician octopus, Japanese scallop, and one oyster from Normandy. The oyster should be served raw, except I'd like it warmed to precisely 31.5°C for twelve seconds and then immediately cooled over crushed ice, because I want it to have the emotional experience of being cooked without actually being cooked. The octopus should be braised in red wine, grilled over binchotan, vacuum-sealed, steamed, and then grilled again, but the final exterior must somehow retain the texture it had before any of these things happened.For the vegetable component, I'd like baby white asparagus from Navarra, purple artichoke from Tuscany, Japanese turnip, heirloom carrot, Romanesco broccoli, French haricots verts, morel mushrooms, English peas, celeriac, and one very small Jerusalem artichoke. The vegetables should all be cooked separately using different techniques: the asparagus poached in butter, the artichoke confited, the turnip glazed, the carrot roasted over wood, the Romanesco steamed, the beans blanched and shocked in ice water, the peas puréed, the celeriac compressed under vacuum, and the Jerusalem artichoke smoked for exactly nine minutes. Please arrange them according to their natural growth patterns so the plate resembles a miniature garden, but make sure it doesn't look decorative.
I'd also like a starch, preferably a single raviolo made from 00 flour milled in Italy, filled with ricotta made from sheep's milk, black truffle, roasted garlic, and a tiny amount of aged Pecorino. The pasta should be rolled to exactly 0.8 millimeters, folded by hand, and sealed without trapping any air. It should be cooked for exactly 47 seconds and then finished in the sauce for 11 seconds. If the chef cooks it for 58 seconds total, I will know, because the texture changes.There should also be a powder made from freeze-dried tomato, dehydrated olive, toasted buckwheat, dried seaweed, smoked salt, and ground pistachio, but the ingredients must be ground separately and combined only immediately before plating. I want three grams of this powder distributed over the plate in a pattern that appears random but has been mathematically calculated beforehand.For the finishing oil, please infuse extra virgin olive oil with rosemary, thyme, basil, lemon verbena, dried porcini, saffron, and one single roasted coffee bean. Warm it to 62°C for 45 minutes, cool it to room temperature, filter it through cheesecloth, then filter it again through a coffee filter, and finally serve it in a warmed ceramic pipette. I would like exactly seven drops.
The plate itself should be preheated to 48°C, except the center should remain at 42°C because the dish has both hot and cool components. The sauce should be poured at the table from a silver vessel that has been warmed but not heated, and the raviolo should be placed at the exact geometric center of the plate. The abalone should be positioned at eleven o'clock, the crab at two o'clock, the oyster at six o'clock, and the vegetables should form an asymmetrical arc between them. Nothing should touch the rim.Please bring the entire dish to the table exactly 23 seconds after the final component leaves the kitchen. Not 22 seconds, because it will still be settling, and not 24 seconds, because it will have begun cooling. The waiter should then pour the sauce from a height of approximately 14 centimeters while walking clockwise around the table, stop halfway through, rotate the plate 17 degrees, and continue pouring
Oh, and one final thing: I have a severe allergy to shellfish, seafood, dairy, eggs, nuts, gluten, mushrooms, garlic, alcohol, citrus, salt, and anything fermented.But don't worry. I'm sure the chef can accommodate that.Thank you. Take your time. I have nowhere else to be.
we serve food here, sir
>calls police and says a customer just threatened an employee, and has you removed from building
Sir, this is a wendys
>>22211356Oh I forgot to mention, my father in law is the chief of police. When are you bringing my food?
I don't know how to make any of that!
>>22211302I wonder what you’d get if you asked for the “chef’s special” at every eatery
>>22211319>14 centimetersand remember that i know exactly what 14 centimeters look like!
>>22211302Why, of course, Mr Halberstrand. We can certainly accommodate you. In fact, Mr. Allen over there just ordered the exact same thing five minutes ago.Will there be anything else?
>>22214155
chef has invited you into the kitchen for a fresh serving of hot lead
>>22211302Why yes sir. I suggest you pair that with a sauvignon pissoir 2020 from Les Estates Thomas Pearle. Its a rare bottle, but for a mane of your tastes, its on the house.
>>22211319I have noted all details of your exquisite meal wish and conveyed them to our head chef who is impressed willing to comply with your specific requests.However the distance from our plating station to your table requires a 16-second walk. To hit your exact 23-second window, we would be required to perform a 7-second stationary hover at your shoulder, which our dining room manager believes violates our standard for seamless, unobtrusive service. We're terribly sorry but maybe the impoverished cretons over at Dorsia may take a chance at your delight for fine dining.
>>22212372Oh yeah? Well my dad is Benjamin Netanyahu, and he has a video of your dad blowing a trannie in the bathroom of a Tel Aviv nightclub. My other dads are John Halo and Goku, so don't act like you can mess with me, bub.
Here is your cocaine, sir.Please leave.
I don't think this would even taste good
>>22211302they prepare the food exactly as he ordered...>and then he doesn't tip
>>22211302I look like this and i talk like this
>>22214022Indeed, I will be aggressively jelqing my member to its fullest erection under the table but above the tablecloth to provide myself with a proper frame of reference.
