Internationally speaking can someone review the first chapter of my latest story pretty please, it's pretty short
>>223271527I've commented on your opening line in another thread before. This attempt is generally more interesting and easier to read but the second sentence with its four commas is asking a lot from many readers. The use of inundate also feels a little off. It's a weird word to begin with. It doesn't feel like what it means. I'd try to describe that scene in another way.
>>223271718agreedI think it's pretty intriguing so far
>>223271718I love you>>223272001I forgive you>>223272072Thank you
>>223271527I like it very much. Not a literary critic though so don't know what advice to give. Also, ZOMBIESSSSSSSS!!!!!! (right? please say zombies its cooler than if he was just hearing things)
>>223272200I'm thinking of her waking up from her death while Jonathan is digging her grave.She'll tell him the horrible way Daniel killed her and the reasons why. Daniel told him it was self defense, which is a lieHe'll then have to decide whether their friendship is stronger than his morals; Either still stick to him or see him as a murderer and kill him
>>223271527Just curious, but what did /lit/ say? Imho, if you want to write a script, just write a script.
>>223272665Nothing, I don't post thereI think people there are mostly pretentious and very bigotedAlso I got multiple complaints that my stories read like a script for a movie, but I just can't understand whyCould you tell me why it feels that way?I don't wish to write a book, more so a visual novel, I don't know if you know what that isIt's like a book but with sounds and images and sometimes a dub
I started playing with it on my own and it is really good, my only criticism is that it seems gratuitous with pedestrian chattering, and a little bit gratuitous with the gore. Were you thinking of your ex when you wrote the character stomping on the body's head over and over? I'm curious, just so I can keep playing with it. The characters all talk like an accident happened, but the woman was clearly murdered. And in a building in the middle of the day? What happened to the woman and what's the character's relation to her? The bit of exposition at the end doesn't give any direction or clue to this relevant question. I thought this was a Sherlock Holmes style mystery case forming. Horror usually flatly gives the minutiae as it comes up.As I was re-writing it I came across an angle you might like. You had initially said that the autumn weather felt indifferent to the tragedy. Why not go for a more...sympathetic angle? Sorry if this sounds too abstract. That way, we don't know it yet, but we might be being primed for some kind of possession to take place.
>>223274275Yeah I need to cut down on the gore stuff it's too muchMaybe use less swear words tooThe head stomping was purposefully thoYou see, in the second chapter I'm writing right now Daniel lies and pretends it was self defense, but in reality he killed her for other reasonsHim stomping on her neck was the first clue that he was lying about it being self defenseAlso it's in the middle of the night, the "gentle light" coming from the window was the moonlight, I should probably make that more explicit Everything about what actually happened will be revealed to Jonathan by the spirit of that woman in the end, like a paranormal plot twist of some kindThe thing about the leaves being indifferent to her tragedy was actually a personal experience from meI once subscribed to a boxing match and I remembered being really nervous about it, and I stepped outside for a bitOutside, with all the leaves floating I realized nothing about my condition really mattered to the outside world, and I felt more calmIdk I just thought of adding it there
>>223274891I have no talent for prose, my re-imagining of your story looks like unfinished an ballad, and now it's meaningless because the events in the next chapter don't align with the spirit of it.>I once subscribed to a boxing match and I remembered being really nervous about it, and I stepped outside for a bit>Outside, with all the leaves floating I realized nothing about my condition really mattered to the outside world, and I felt more calm>Idk I just thought of adding it thereNah that was really beautiful unironically. No offense but that's more interesting than the horror (mystery?). That was more sympathetic than indifferent, without even needing to declare it as such.I would personally turn the dead body into a zombie walking around headless holding the head like an evil night watchman's lantern
>>223271527you are pretending to write, but it's all emptygive it some more though, or read more experienced writersdon't try to immitate, but rather find your own style so you can express your ideas a lot betterwriting things in your native language first helps
A father walked into his four year old son's room where the child was seated at his desk and absorbed in his drawing. In admonition, the father tells him that he's not actually drawing, and he can't draw anything meaningful.He then took the pencil and drawings away from his son and put an art history textbook upon the son's desk for him to think harder about drawing and for him to get proper inspiration. Then he added to not imitate anything he sees. Then he gave him a box of crayons, because he's a child, it would suit him better. Kids should use crayons. With the imaginative nascence of the hobby sufficiently molested, the father then left the room, entered his own study, and proudly announced to his good deed. >My son will now truly and disinterestedly enjoy perusing the pages of the textbook for its own sake, not caring at all about what others have to say about it. I'm glad I was able to intervene and defend him from the so-called "best" and "right" and "important" things in favor of the things and activities he really likes. Let him do anything but those things! After all, no amount of artistry or creativity can possibly develop if I don't keep those material, worldly trifles out of his will. The father's forum account then received one hundred upvotes, icons of a blue ribbon, a silver and gold medal, and a platinum ingot. "I was correct today!" he thought gladly to himself.
>>223271527To begin with, I don't know the character backgrounds and story. I'll just go with my assumptions and be a little nitpicky because i'm in a ballbusting mood. The average reader is used to much worse.-You're going for an In Medias Res opening, but ruining it by dragging on and on with the details. It's too wordy and long. You're doing gratuitious violence. The best gore is short and sharp.-"The brown leaves of autumn were falling outside, indifferent to her tragedy." This is very cliche.-"What the fuck were you thinking?!" Jonathan said -> Jonathan screamed / screamed Jonathan. Said is neutral, casual, overused. You're going for a shock opener. Emotions are high. I'd maybe capitalize too if that's in your style.-"Listen, listen; Shut up. I called you because I wanted help, not someone screaming in my ears! So, are you going to help or not?" Daniel snapped.This bit is pretty bad. You're trying to go for dialogue more 'spoken' than 'written'. Except it feels not spoken not written. You squeezed a sequence of actions and swallowed the pauses inbetween.-"I'm not staying near her neck" Bad sentence.-The average woman's body is not so heavy that it'd take two men to carry her, forget them struggling.-Her swaying half-decapitated head projectile sprayed blood from below directly on Jonathan's face? To which he drops her and stomps on her neck until it fully severs? This is pretty bad.-"I suppose one less head should bring the total weight down significantly" This is not a natural sentence. Nobody talks like this. Very catoony. 'Significantly' weighs the sentence.Injecting comedy is good instinct here. But you wrote the formative idea of the joke/quip you had instead of making the joke.-'Thought - though - thought.' Bad repitition. Daniel agreed that Jonathan too far and Jonathan needs consoling? So are they sociopaths or not?-The candle scene feels entirely added on. Stomped her neck until it fully severed, joke about her, hold her funeral?
>>223279164-"Lured her in before axing her." Again, are these two sociopaths or not? Are they serial killers? Do they feel bad or do they like it? These two read different and their characters meld too much too. One second gore and marvel quips another second it's pity tragedy sympathy.1- Your prose is readable but your narration is lacking.2- Your ideas are conflicted, axe her, stomp her neck off, drag her body, joke about her weight, then discuss a funeral? Sometimes they're conflicted killers sometimes they're insane eccentric sociopaths.3- I feel that your characters are separated from each-other but not separated from you. The are not sock-puppets you shouldn't talk through them.4- Very gratuitous in the gore, unnatural often, word choice is mostly passing but a few sentences felt incorrect or weak, drags a bit, skips a bit.You're good in some areas but could use improvement in a lot. What are we supposed to take from this chapter? There is no hook unless you're reading it strictly for the gore.You have bones, just need to read more. I give it 2.5/5 but make it 3/5 because you're trying to improve.
>>223279211>>223279164ThanksI'll take your criticism into consideration
>>223271527I'm a /lit/cel and I see you make the same mistakes most of us amateur writers do. 1. Figure out the difference between active and passive sentences. Always use active sentences if possible.2. Read more. Make sure you read as much English language lit as possible. Some of your sentences don't make much sense, or better said they're really awkward. 3. Your dialogue tags should only contain "x said" and that is it. The dialogue itself should be able to convey all the necessary emotions, temperaments etc. There's no need to add snapped or anything like that.
>>223280198>listening to a chatbot
>>223280198Cheers>>223280654Wonder what makes you say that
>>223271527page 10 bump lmao
