Thoughts on my new story, internationally speaking
>>223455702No BBC no story Simple as
terrible
>>223455702Post bussy
>>223455756>>223456047>>223456325you guys aren't helping
>>223455702>I wonder if anyone will miss you. Hopefully not... No, I'm not that heartless. Maybe one or two peopleHoly millenial writing
>>223455702Overuse of similes reveals your tiny vocabulary. English has a massive number of loanwords that can describe nearly every situation. Don't just crack open a thesaurus, though, read some poetry and start building up your repertoire.
>>223455702You have lifted at least 1 line from VTM:B
>>223456678>millenial writingIncel dog whistle nglNever saw anyone outside the incel sphere use this term>>223456735You're right, I need to read morebut at the same time, I don't think it completely debilitates me
>>223455702>>223455702Only read the first paragraph. It's very derivative but that's to be expected. Also>you seeBreaks the flow and just doesn't fit
>>223455702Do you have any completed short stories?My suggestion is to reduce the line width, making it book-like. Or even shorter. Perhaps change the page size too. It would be easier to read.
>>223457132Not yetBut I'll finish this one thoI'm sure of it
Also the tone feels .... off?There's this noir-ish intro but then it's blah blah blah blah with exposition about some generic purgatory from some ghostGPTWouldn't it be better to spread things out and paint the scene a bit more?Maybe with a POV approach like in fat man's book with no end because he's lazy because he's fat or in the incel chud's book about Ryan Gosling with a stereotypical mesopotamian beard? It allows to tell stories from different perspectives (incel chud vampire and ghost cunt would probably think and talk differently)So maybe a chapter divided in 3 bits - vamp's POV before whacking, Jane Ghosts trip to the purgatory and then "vamp get's schizophrenia" bit?
