>>43676410
because the world is cruel to tranny faggots like us from a young age
if it was kinder to us we wouldn't be as fucked up over it

holy fuck I feel the exact same way now and have the same history, started hrt at 23 tho great for first like 3-4 months, now at 7 months I'm so fucking miserable

>>43676428
Idk, im not even sure anymore i am a tranny. Half my thoughts about it feel made up or over exaggerated or imagined or misremembered.

But also i agree, even if im not a tranny (and definately if i am), if the world was less fucked up about it. I might not somehow internalized the shame of even considering these things as early as like < 10yo and i would have probably been better off for it.

Idk, point being:
> AGP inspection day would have saved me and should be mandated worldwide asap.

just keep taking hrt, you will be happier in the long run. you don't want to die a man do you?

>>43676487
This sounds a lot like me. I was in that bargaining stage for a very long time but as I kept going I uncovered more and more memories. I did have awful brain fog for a lot of early transition tho.

>>43676463
I actually had a much longer version of my history written out while sobbing on my keyboard before i decided to condense it (dramatically) for readability lol.

So might still differ in the details. But im both glad and sorry that others can relate cuz it fucking sucks lol.

It was great for me in like the first ~2 months and then the doubts started creeping in. Im actually also at 7 mo rn and extremely miserable lol.

The worst part for me is that i dont even have closure. I hoped starting HRT would clarify if i was trans/if i wanted to be on estrogen or not. Instead it somehow made it even more complicated providing both big reasons for and against it.

Its so fucking stupid, i really wish i was more normal, like in general, but especially about all this. I dont even fit in with trannies in this regard i feel like lowkey. Even if they sometimes tell me i sound familiar when i rant about it lol.

>>43676509
> you don't want to die a man do you?
I dont know anymore, i think i just want to die atp.

I was hoping hrt would get rid of that desire and give me hope or sth, to be able to be someone i wanted to be. But it didnt, it just made verything even more confusing and now i dont even know anymore what i want to be nvm what i am.

(Also in general
>you dont want to be a man do you
never *quite* worked on me. I never did want or like anything about being a man, but i can handle it, its fine. It was always more appealing to me that it seemed like i might actually want and desire and thrive if i wasnt one instead. But that was more in the past, now usually everything just feels entirely disconnected.)

>>43676555
yea not having closure is def the worst, when I first took E I felt great, actually thinking I'm trans and having a path to follow.

Now I feel so fucking confused, I want to do feminine things, but it just feels weird and I fear I'm forcing it. I can bawl my eyes out writing my thoughts in a journal about not having been morn a woman and now I'm wondering if that was just a larp.

I hoped starting HRT would make me feel normal, the life would be fucked but at least I would feel normal and not like this. Like some in-between freak of nature.

>>43676518
Even if all of my thoughts arent made up or whatever and are fully genuine and correct. It still doesnt mean im definitely a tranny. Most of these, even if accurate, arent definitive signs of gender dysphoria i think.

Also "bargaining stage" seems to imply that i just want to not be a tranny cuz its scary or whatever. But nah, atp id be happy to be a real tranny. At least id know what to do to resolve this eternal knot in my brain that seemingly prevents me from being a real human and living an actual life and having a real personality.

But it really just seems like im not and that that knot will never ever be untied.

>>43676607
This is normal. I fluctuated between stages of forcing it vs feeling natural vs rejecting it and its evening out. I'm kinda boymoding sort of (more like lazymoding) and am doing better.

>>43676619
The whole "I'm not a real tranny" thing kind of *is* bargaining. That's what I'm talking about.

The thing is, no one is a *real* tranny by any measure other than actually transitioning.

>>43676620

Doesn't feel normal, i dont even know if I'm a tranny atp. My body is quite feminie, nothing looking super cis, but I have hips, waist and shoulders that are not that wide.

I think a real tranny would be happy looking at my body and I just feel like there's something stuck in my stomach. It hurts, idk what to describe it. Like a rock is stuck in my abdomen and sometimes travels up to my throat,

>>43676607
> I can bawl my eyes out writing my thoughts in a journal about not having been morn a woman and now I'm wondering if that was just a larp.
Yeah i have those kinds of things too lol. Like i can cry about hating having a dick, i can randomly start crying for a bit because my brain was screaming "i want to be a girl" at me, i can record myself crying out of happiness in the mirror because i like how my breast growth makes me look more feminine.

And not even an hour or just minutes later i feel like it wasnt actually genuine or like i was forcing it somehow.

> I want to do feminine things
Try to stick to that, i feel like that disappeared for me too lol. When i feel a bit better about it/at the start i also wanted to like lock in and actually figure out fashion beyond just hoodies. Or like learn makeup, or potentially try voice training and stuff like that. Now those are mostly gone as well i feel like.

> I hoped starting HRT would make me feel normal, the life would be fucked but at least I would feel normal and not like this. Like some in-between freak of nature.
Yeah thats the worst part. I was hoping HRT would finally clarify that i was/was not cis, but it didnt. Im both extremely anxious about its effects and then other times extremely happy with them. It makes no sense.

Too trans to be cis and too cis to be trans. Its awful :c

>>43676637
>The whole "I'm not a real tranny" thing kind of *is* bargaining.
Not impossible, altho growing less and less likely by the day. But i suppose i will entertain the pinkpill for now:

If that can also be bargaining, how the fuck am i supposed to distinguish it from a "im not a real tranny" thought that is actually genuine and is telling me im honest to god just cis. (or if not cis at least telling me i shouldn't have taken/shouldn't keep taking Estrogen)

>>43676666
desu I've felt really lonely lately and seeing someone go through stuff that's almost exactly the same as me is giving me some, idk what to call it, peace?

One thing we I think differ a little bit is with breasts, at first I though I was okay with an A cup, after starting hrt and seeing first growth I instantly wanted bigger breasts.

Now I dont even know, looking at them makes me feel uncomfortable most of the time, I don't remember the last time I was feeling good while looking at them.

>>43676706
Yeah its always nice finding someone who feels similar. Starting to think it might not even be that uncommon (i make threads like these.... a lot, its actually really embarrassing and needy/attention whoring of me lol).

But thru that i did find multiple people who felt at one point or are still feeling like me. But then again no one is 100% the same as me and maybe i just picked out the parts i related to. Still always feels nice tho, so i get it <3.

>>43676706
Also yeah it def sounds like we differ abt breasts then.

Before HRT i never like actively wanted them, but i was also never afraid of them. I was just expecting to get used to them and occasionally like that it made womens clothes fit better i think.

I also had a thing where (pre hrt) i really liked wearing (sports) bras and not wearing one felt odd sometimes, back then i thought that might be dysphoria, like wanting to feel sth on my chest or wanting to feel like i needed a bra. Now idk, mayb just liked the sensation of a hugging piece of clothing on my chest and it meant nothing.

Then early hrt i just didnt care and kinda liked that my chest got more sensitive, it felt weirdly right sometimes.

Im different about first growth tho, i think that is what kinda triggered me into feeling weird about it. I never wanted bigger breasts (my ideal would prob be looking like a somewhat andro woman with small breasts).

But idk what it was about first growth but that is what got me anxious about it. Like i started looking at women in public and in movies and drawings and stuf and thought like "hmm idk they seem kinda uncomfy and like they get in the way, do i want that?".

And stuff like that, eventually i get full on anxiety thinking about my own growing...

But weirdly it was then also interrupted with periods where i like what i have rn and that they give me a more feminine shape.

And its still kinda like that now. Half the time im anxious AF and scared ill have to get top surgery or will develop "real dysphoria" about them. Then the other half of the time idc, and occasionally i like that they make me look more fem. it super weird.

Ig ill take at least sometimes feeling good about them instead of just uncomfortable? But also idk it doesnt help just makes it more confusing desu qwq.

>>43676810
Yea I guess we differ with breasts a little bit, tho I also never actively wanted breasts pre hrt.

Today was I think my worst day yet,

I did my shot and felt good about it, last one made me feel werid. Then tried to put together an outfist to go out and maybe get gendered correctly, but super lazy. Wide jeans and a oversize tshirt with a cute deisgn.

Felt weird about my hair, looked at my body to see how feminine I am and spiraled because I wasn't comfortable looking at myself, even the feminine parts.

Lost my mind thinking If I'm even trans if I feel that way. Then cried wishing to be born a woman for like an hour, then void and now I'm back to feeling my usual discomfort with myself, thinkin all that was just a larp.

Washed my hair, made it look nice and went out in the outfit. I was super anxious and uncomfrotable, but among that I did feel a tiny bit of something that felt like peace, not for long and not very intensly. Everything is so confusing and I just want it to stop.

>>43676966
Now that I think a little more about it, all this stuff just got a lot worse when I started taking my adhd meds again and at a higher dose. Might just stop it for a while to check if this is related, probably not, but just in case.

>>43676690
I mulled it over a lot, and while I still see myself as a male and sometimes feel weird about being on HRT, I also do see myself as a woman plenty of times.

But the big thing was that none of that mattered.

I stuck to HRT because I already tried quitting it for a bit and while I felt better in some ways I still would have crying breakdowns of wanting to be a woman, wanting to be a mom, so I would just power through.

Trutrans, faketrans, none of it is real. What matters is transitioning.

>>43676966
>Yea I guess we differ with breasts a little bit, tho I also never actively wanted breasts pre hrt.
Kinda seems we ended up in a similar place tho where they sometimes make us uncomfortable/anxious. Big difference ig is that i occasionally still get these happy episodes. (They really are super brief tho, like think smiling in the mirror for 10-20 sec and posing a bit cuz i liked how they dented out my shirt. Then followed immediately by feeling anxious and uncomfortable about them, its weird and extremely anxiety inducing about whether or not im actually trans :c)/

> Today was I think my worst day yet,
Fuck im sorry to hear that :C. I had a couple of bad days too, today prob one of the more worse ones, prob not the worst tho.

> Then tried to put together an outfist to go out and maybe get gendered correctly
Nice :D. I really should do sth like that but i straight up just never do it... I basically still wear the same stuff as before. Altho, and this is gonna sound a bit stupid lol, sometimes i pull out the "nicer" hoodies i have XD. Or try to color coordinate a bit, but thats it, besides like one pair of womens jeans and 1-2 womens hoodies i acquired i wear occasionally.

Most daring thing i do is like openly wear my hair fem. I at least had the good sense to grow my hair out during my repping so its really long now (almost waist length). And i try to have it slightly fem, tho its just: 1. wear a colorful scrunchy thing that is vaguely color coordinated or 2. braid them in a super basic way.

Still more fem than id have dared to be before HRT tho lol. Never got gendered fem so far, really would like to see how i feel about it, but im too much of a shutin for it to even have a chance of happening lol.

> Wide jeans and a oversize tshirt with a cute design.
Nice that sounds cute :D. I should try sth like that too (basically the same jeans and single colored dark hoodies ive worn since i turned 14yo), so even a graphic t-shirt would be daring for me lol.

(cont. from >>43677148 because i cant be brief for the life of me)

>>43676966
>looked at my body to see how feminine I am and spiraled because I wasn't comfortable looking at myself, even the feminine parts.
Yeah i get that sometimes too, its not like i always like my breast growth. There have been plenty of times where i didnt like it cuz it looked odd on my (very male and big :c) ribcage.

> Lost my mind thinking If I'm even trans if I feel that way. Then cried wishing to be born a woman for like an hour, then void and now I'm back to feeling my usual discomfort with myself, thinkin all that was just a larp.
Yeah i get that desu. Altho for me that would also be one of the more extreme cases. Hour long crying sessions are extremely rare for me (tho i had like one or two, i think about not transitioning sooner lol).

More often its maybe an hour or two of each feeling, with just a few minutes of crying mayb.

> but among that I did feel a tiny bit of something that felt like peace, not for long and not very intensly.
Yeah i get that too. Like a few times when i tried to look a bit put together in public i was also oddly confident and at ease for a bit. Like even with my breast growth or potentially even bc of it lol, idk its weird...

> Everything is so confusing and I just want it to stop.
Big mood :C.

>>43677064
>I stuck to HRT because I already tried quitting it for a bit and while I felt better in some ways I still would have crying breakdowns of wanting to be a woman
Im actually trying that rn, kinda, its day 2 of not taking HRT for the first time since i started. Not sure how i feel yet since its only day 2 and who knows i might even restart it on a whim tmrw at which point it was basically worthless since 2 days mean almost nothing lol.

But yeah i can kinda imagine myself being like that too... Like that the things that drove me to trying HRT might just come back. Altho i feel like it might take a while for that to be in full force (like multiple months) and for various reasons i dont wanna wait that long.

> crying breakdowns of wanting to be a mom
Not that one tho lol. Im kinda immune to that. Tho not entirely, whenever a post props up that is deliberately trying to bait these feelings its still 50/50 if it might get to me or not.

> Trutrans, faketrans, none of it is real. What matters is transitioning.
I understand the sentiment and largely agree. But that kinda just solidifies the fact that im neither/at a complete loss rn since im so fucked up about transitioning too.

>>43677189
yea idk :c lets just try to stay sane and not rope, maybe there will be some peace and this feeling of normality in the future, tranny or not

>>43677257
> lets just try to stay sane and not rope
Ig but thats sounding harder by the day lol. Especially the staying sane part, in fact part of me thinks i might have already gone insane long ago lmao.

Dont think i can rope tho. Part of my probleme is my immense indecision, prob wont ever allow me to rope even if i never really felt all that comfortable being alive lol.

> maybe there will be some peace and this feeling of normality in the future, tranny or not
Hopefully <3
Tho atp id prefer tranny, if not id prob have to get top surgery lol, which is scary af to me.

Also ig i never properly felt normal/content while being a normal ass cis guy either. Kinda part of the reason im here i think.