I basically made the same post yesterday but that one kinda descended into a different discussion so im doing this again:For the longest time it felt like all my genuine emotions were (and are) tied up into gender shit. The only times i felt actual desire or had an idea as to what i wanted to do with my life it was tied up in considering transition. The only times i felt significant happiness or sadness it was tied up in gender shit (eg: sad im not a girl, or happy i looked more fem/did something more feminine like starting to shave). Also lots of feelings of shame for various reasons during my life, usually due to various kinds of cross gender desire that i (somehow even from a young age) knew were supposed to be shameful.It got to the point that when i opened up about my history with gender shit to my friend of 10 years he said sth like "You actually seem like a more real human being with emotions now". Because, for the first time in 10 years, i was discussing the things that actually caused me significant emotions.Everything else is compratively hollow. Like i can get excited or happy or sad about some media or game or whatever. But its nothing in comparison to the profound emotions i seem to have around gender shit.So why is that? Like i feel weird, WHY are all of my emotions somehow interlocked with gender shit? It makes no sense im not even a tranny lowk.And even if you guys feel significant emotions outside of gender shit too right? Like at least about relationships or sth? But for me it feels like all my strong emotions are in one way or another tied to gender stuff. It feels really weird and idk what to do with that.
>>43681856Read thishttps://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/gender-dysphoria/what-is-gender-dysphoriaThen this.https://www.avitale.com/essays/a-developmental-reviewThen go to /HRTgen/ to figure out HRT.
Like idk its hard to describe.It just feels like i dont really have any strong, like, personality defining emotions outside of stuff that is (trans)gender related:> The first time i ever wanted to be like someone? - Pretty transwomen i saw in transition timelines> The first time i ever gave a shit on how to dress? - When i considered crossdressing and trooning out and what i would want to dress like then> The first time i ever yearned for hugs/physical closeness or a relationship? - When i considered trooning out + Started yearning occasionally after starting HRT> The first time i was ever happy with how i looked? - When i cried in the mirror after starting HRT and was happy over its effects/breast growth making me look more fem> The first time i ever considered i could have a happy, meaningful life? - When i considered being trans and imagined a happy future for myself> The first time i ever felt significant despair? - When i thought id never get the courage to even try to transition.> My largest regret in life? - Not transitioning/trying HRT sooner + That one time @ 14yo when i conciously repressed considering being a tranny in front of my therapistIdk this is kinda how it feels like. All of these like "significant" questions and events and stuff seem to be inextricably linked to gender shit. And it just feels so fake/stupid and i dont even know what to do with it cuz im not even sure im trans. If i was trans then at least it'd kinda make sense. But im kinda not lol.Not sure tho currently i just feel a lot of nothing so it doesnt really apply. But the above is def what i felt like for the longest time. Like i was really "emotionally dull/repressed" outside of gender considerations for most of my life i think and its weird.
>>43681882Stop trying to pinkpill me this is not what this is about (for once).Im on HRT but it just made me even more confused about whether im trans or not.(parts of it are great and made me feel lowkey alive for the first time. Other parts (esp. breast growth) make me super anxious and maybe i dont want it)Also the second thing i read before and yeah that might be me. Im either in group 3 or i have some wholly novel kind of fucked up brain. Currently leaning towards the latter tho.But again not what the thread is about for once. Its about how its weird that so many of my emotions are tied up in gender shit seemingly and idk what to make of that.Esp as seen in the light that im not even a normal tranny but either severely fucked up about it/transition (even compared to the average tranny) or just sth entirely different and delusional.
>>43681941>Stop trying to pinkpill me this is not what this is about (for once).Okay. I don't actually care whether you're trans or not. You do. You want me to debate you on it or something, but I don't actually care. Here's what I did, I wrote down on in a word doc all the reason I thought I might be trans. It very rapidly turned into a long list. Then I went to some idiot GP which turned into a disaster that scarred me for life, so I went a paid for a formal diagnosis so that firstly I could be sure, and secondly so a doctor could never again deny me care. Looking back, 3 days away from my 2 year anniversary of HRT, I have to say I'm glad I did those thing. I'm glad I made sure in myself, I'm glad I had it confirmed by an expert, because now it's not "i think I might be" it's "I know I am." All these fucking weirdos and terfs calling me AGP or whatever don't bother me because they're wrong, they're just being wrong on the internet because there's something wrong with them and this is how they're dealing with it. And that's why I don't care about you. If you are trans I will openly welcome you as a sister while secretly hating everything about you, if you're not I might try to date you but otherwise you just don't register to me. So you do you. Coz I did me and it worked out great.
>>43681988> You want me to debate you on it or something, but I don't actually care.I dont honestly, sometimes i do lol, but not this thread i think. Tho i kinda understand that the easiest answer to "why are all my genuine emotions tied into gender" is "you are trans and its an important part of yourself".> Here's what I did, I wrote down on in a word doc all the reason I thought I might be trans. It very rapidly turned into a long list. [...] formal diagnosis so i could be sure.Already did that, been questioning gender shit for like 7 years i feel like i thought it through from basically all perspectives already. Also i got a formal diagnosis as well, im not doing DIY, didnt really help me be sure (in part mayb cuz its from the same therapist i had since i was 14, so it felt like maybe she was just doing a favor instead of her job, but idk she also knew that for years atp it was constantly on my mind).> Looking back, 3 days away from my 2 year anniversary of HRT, I have to say I'm glad I did those thing. I'm glad I made sure in myself, I'm glad I had it confirmed by an expert, because now it's not "i think I might be" it's "I know I am." [...] So you do you. Coz I did me and it worked out great.Im glad it worked out for you, i hope at some point ill finally have figured this shit out too, but currently im more confused than ever after 7mo HRT. But yeah not the point of the thread for once actually, i made hundreds of other "am i trans" ones before tho lol.
>>43682059>"why are all my genuine emotions tied into gender">Also i got a formal diagnosis If you need this spelled out to you, then I honestly don't think me spelling it out for you is going to help. But I don't think you do. You're phrasing it as a question but you're actually just making statements. >all my genuine emotions are tied to my true genderDuh.
>>43681856> it feels like all my strong emotions are in one way or another tied to gender stufftheres NOTHING else? idk i can relate to the story about your friend but not about exclusively one thing onlyautism special interest?>>43681941nb?>>43681941>(esp. breast growth) make me super anxioussocially or physically
>>43682112>You're phrasing it as a question but you're actually just making statements.yeah that is how i read it too lol
>>43682112>>43682131> You're phrasing it as a question but you're actually just making statements.Could either of u elaborate, im honestly not sure what u mean rn. Which question? What statements?> If you need this spelled out to you, then I honestly don't think me spelling it out for you is going to help.It might not help but id appreciate it rn cuz i think i lost the plot and im not sure what u are talking about.I can understand tho that i come across weird. Im very rambly right now and the thread and all my messages are not thought out or phrased super well.Ill be honest i largely use this board to just journal sometimes/get my thoughts out of my head. So its not super coherent rn.
>>43682112Not op, but I genuinely don't understand why any of my emotions are tied to my gender at all. I feel like it should be a completely arbitrary part of my life, but it apparently isn't, and I really don't get why that's the case. It really shouldn't have more of an impact than my eye color or such
>>43682127> autism special interest?Oh yeah no absolutely. I do sometimes get extremely interested/invested in random shit and love learning about it. Or just start programming sth to keep myself occupied.Up until recently i also studied math and was unbearable about it to those around me, always trying to explain stuff to them/ramble about it lol.Im actually a quite passionate person in that sense (at least i was, been feeling kinda shit since the start of the year so its less so now).But still, it feels like all my like "genuine" or rather like "big/life changing/significant" emotions are all tied up into gender shit. Like nothing about, relationships, life, my desires/goals, or myself ever came outside of considerations of gender i think. Thats kinda what i mean i think.Maybe im just downplaying my interest and stuff tho, perhaps in part cuz i repped/questioned so long, so eventually they just started feeling like distractions i put up so i wouldnt have to consider tranny shit. That gave me a slight distaste for them perhaps, eventho i do enjoy them and have emotions about it. idk.
>>43682127> nb?Maybe, but idk anymore. Also id prefer not to cuz that just makes it even more complicated lol.>>(esp. breast growth) make me super anxious>socially or physicallyBoth maybe, unfortunately.Im def 10000% scared of having to deal with having breasts in public, and sometimes i think id be fine having them if (somehow) i could hide them perfectly while outside/whenever i wanted.Its also just weird that they are so out there lol. Like, i dont really like my dick, but that thing is easily hidden/not visible in public in most normal clothes even without tucking, so its fine. But breasts really arent lol. Feels weird...Physically mayb also cuz what i got already makes me feel weird sometimes. Like brushing up against it is odd occasionally, or sometimes i feel weird about having them.And im also just scared my brain wont be able to handle having breasts. Pre HRT i was just expecting to get used to them at some point. Now im extremely anxious i wont ever get used to them.Its also odd how they like get in the way (a lil) even if its minor, just weird to get used to.Unfortunately this is all complicated by the fact that i also have like genuinely 10 videos or so of me crying out of happiness in front of the mirror cuz i loved how my breast growth makes my chest look more fem lol. Or occasionally getting happy that they create bumps under my clothes.While also still getting anxious AF about them other times. Its so fucking stupid i hate it. I wish i had just a consistent feeling about this shit...
>>43682169I am op but yeah this is kinda what i mean.Why does it feel like all my big important emotions are tied up into like gender considerations.Even if i was a tranny it shouldnt be literally almost all of them right?
>>43682160>Which question?"y do think about gender?"not real question = statement "i only have emotion when i think about gender" >elaborateit mean youre trans. thats why i asked if your anxiety is social to determine if your doubts are internal or external >i largely use this board to just journalyeah me too. >>43681941>group 3no these are pseudoscience worms dont take categories and shit seriously unless there are useful to you>>43682224yeah that doesnt sound like not reason to be trans>>43682183yeah i mean i have doubts and imposter syndrome but also a lot of the same experiences >>43681917 so i just recognize it as such instead of thinking those are real reasons im not?>>43682240>Even if i was a tranny it shouldnt be literally almost all of them right? wait am confuse. are you denying you are trans or just confused about emotions and not liking the answer. cause even if you arent denying i think thats the answer. how long have you been on hrt. yeah thats probably normal. >Like at least about relationships or sth?like idk have you had time for that yet?
>>43682285> thats why i asked if your anxiety is social to determine if your doubts are internal or external Both unfortunately :c> these are pseudoscience worms dont take categories and shit seriouslyIk, i just wanted to show i read it b4. Altho if i were to take it seriously then yeah group 3 in there is a non zero chance at what i might be.> yeah that doesnt sound like not reason to be transHow are these not reasons i might not be trans. Im literally talking about disliking breasts, how does that not mean i should stop taking the pills that make you grow tits?>>Even if i was a tranny it shouldnt be literally almost all of them right?>wait am confuse. are you denying you are trans or just confused about emotions and not liking the answer. cause even if you arent denying i think thats the answer. Im saying that, even if i was trans (which im not sure about), not all of my emotions would be gender related this badly. So it feels weird that my emotions are like this (mostly tied up in gender considerations)>>Like at least about relationships or sth?>like idk have you had time for that yet?No lol, never was in a relationship. But i also mean that i was never yearning for one either. But also like relationships in general (friends, family) i was never super emotional about those either.
>>43682445>even if i was trans (which im not sure about), not all of my emotions would be gender related this badlyno i think they would be that is what i am saying. like dysphoria gives you anhedonia and so until you have some new life changes yeah it makes sense the only one you have to have emotions about is that in other words>>43681856>It feels really weirdnope thats normal idk someone else will have to give opinion maybe things change later or it is in fact weird and i am also weird
>>43682638> like dysphoria gives you anhedonia and so until you have some new life changes yeah it makes sense the only one you have to have emotions about is that in other words.Thats what i thought it was for me too. Now that im on HRT and still extremely confused and feeling like shit im not so sure anymore.Maybe im just destined to forever feel like shit and it wasnt because i was a tranny or anything...
