i miss my husband a lot

the last time i got my dick wet was in the shower

>>43726371
They'll update soon surely anon
Try to find enjoyment or focus in things to distract from the wait
>>43726377
Have you put yourself out there anon?
Dating apps, social events, social media, this forsaken place?

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>>43726400
no because i have nothing to offer anyone and yes its my fault. ive lost all hope, only doom is left.

>>43726416
Why lose all hope?
If you find blame in yourself, it means you can also find the solution anon
if you think you've nothing to offer, learn skills, hobbies or interests, education, career, trivia, skills, life experiences
You can make the changes to escape dooming anon, it takes effort, but it's possible

I hate rain

>>43726331
I have nothing to complain about. Any hardships come my way I deal with silently. That's how I was socialized.

>>43726331
Just overwhelmed lately. Too much to do. I wish any of my friends actually live near me. The closest on is still over 2000 miles away. I just need help and maybe like a hug, but no one's around. Things are okay, I just constantly have to do things and it's getting harder and harder

>>43729011
In a i hate getting wet and cold way or a full metal alchemist way?
I love the rain, the sound and smell is nice, why hate?
>>43729064
This is a place to change that, there's no expectation here, it's anonymous snd you could be anyone. You could make shit up and i'd still respond sincerely, you don't breed to tough it out
>>43729168
Is there any time you can take a break to yourself? speak with your friends, visit them or make new ones locally? Sorry you're feeling overwhelmed, try to take care of yourself regardless of it to avoid burnout even if it's difficult

>>43729216
I still have vacation time at work, but I've been saving it because I know it's gonna be even worse soon. Half tempeted to just use some now to try to catch up with stuff. My dumbass didn't go to work today because I have stuff that needs done by tomorrow. I can't afford to go visit any of my friends right now, but I at least get to talk to them online pretty often. Gonna try to visit some local events eventually, but I've kinda gotta get myself together enough to even know what's going on, lol

I'm fucking lonely and nobody I try talking to or spending time with stimulates or attracts me like she did

almost everyone i talk to or regularly socialise with seems to hate me for no reason other than im autistic, i guess, im not crazy or stupid i know what those looks mean and i know what it feels like to be ignored. but i don't really know what to do because im already reasonably attractive, im smart and funny and interesting. where do i go from here? my transition was successful. i can't live like this. everyone treats me like shit and i don't deserve it. someone gave me the most basic of compliments today and i went to the bathroom and i cried

>>43729435
I think it'd be a good idea to use it, at least partially so that you can catch up on everything. If you don't then work doesn't pause and it's just another contributor to the things you need to do and focus on. It could also help in getting you together enough to find those events, using only half would leave you some time to attend the events spread out if you want
Also it's nice that though online you can talk to them pretty often
>>43729453
Sorry you're lonely Anon, What specifically do you think lead her to stimulating you and can you try to find people who emulate or share the same traits?
>>43729553
A lot of non-autistic people hate autistic people on a sub-conscious level without realizing it themselves. It's usually due to intepretted rudeness, missing social cues, or feeling 'off' whatever that means. Can you find or socialize with other autistic people, or people who're able to recognize the bias?
It might be harder in person to due such things, sorry it's that way, it can be hard especially if you don't or can't mask well

>>43729216
I won't change. Toughing it out works for me in solving most problems, it's just kinda malebrained. Thanks for your sincere replies anyways, I think your socialization passes much better than mine.

>>43729687
it happens with other autistic people. i made one or two friends lately who treat me like a normal person and seem to actually have any interest in me and it's been a huge fucking relief but it's a very rare oasis in a very big desert. am i just unlucky? someone told me i have a face that looks like i hate everyone but i literally look like a fucking child. im honestly crashing out about how hopeless it all feels. what's the purpose of any of this if nobody likes me?

i failed to become a woman

i feel trapped in my relationship with an increasingly shitty alcoholic partner because they're really codependent and financially irresponsible so i know if i end things it's gonna almost certainly completely fuck her life up to a drastic extent, 5-digit debt and 0 savings
i'm depressed nonstop and regressing in my transition and social life because of it. lost a lot of friends (read: all of them, thus venting to strangers online) because i basically had to fully stop hanging out with them at all to babysit her to stop her from killing herself (accidentally and intentionally) during her blackouts
no one has ever said things as awful as what she's been saying more recently when she gets really drunk and it just gets brushed off as "well i don't really think that i was drunk" but you still said it, and you're saying it more and more, it's hard to believe part of you doesn't really feel that way and harder to just suck it up
plus it's really stressful having to cover expenses for her under the excuse she can't pay for it while she's spending thousands on liquor
can't own anything nice or fragile anymore because it gets broken, security deposit for sure kaput from the damage, house in a constant state of disaster because she's incapable of cleaning up after herself
and even without all that, or maybe because of it, the relationship is empty. has never had a shred of desire to participate in my interests or hobbies or do anything together unless it's her idea, ends up blaming it on the house being shitty and depressing to be in because of the mess (that she's constantly making herself)
anyways this doesn't fix anything but it does feel a little better to write it out i guess

>>43729729
I'm sorry it won't change, at least I think, if it works for you then it means that it works. If it ever fails, try reaching out to professionals if men do it, malebrained trannies could do it to, no?
>your socialization passes much better than mine
I grew up around almost only women in my family, had no friends my entire life except a group of boys who picked on me, and only had online friends that were women or trannies
Online only anon, I have no socialization irl if that means anything
>>43729753
Hold on to those one or two friends and hopefully they can stick around for a long time. You might be a bit unlucky in the regard of being disliked, but by having friends you're above average than a lot of people, most people don't have close friends after HS or University. As for your face, have they ever said RBF (resting bitch face)? You might be frowning or looking upset without thinking about it rather than a smile or neutral expression when at rest. Otherwise I'm not sure, but it's not hopeless as you have friends now and it's proof you could have more
>>43729762
How long have you been transitioning nona? It's hard to say anything, hit I'm sorry you view your transition as a failure

>>43729794
Glad it felt a bit better to write it out
For some people that are self-destructive and drag you down, there's not much you can do
Intervention, hospitalization or leaving them for your own well being. All three options are hard, but better than stagnation, sometimes people need to be let go, even if it's risking them

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>>43729794
That's so terrible to hear I'm so sorry, how long have you two been together to say that you're sticking with her? I know you mentioned the debt she's in, but to say you're still with her means there must be some history. Has made she any attempts at cutting back on her alcoholic tendencies? I was in a similar position before with a girl a while back - I do not know how people can chug the bottle constantly. I put up with it longer then I should've because I kept romanticizing the past and just hoping if I just took the pain that things would go back to how they were eventually. It's such a tough position to be in, you feel like judge, jury and executioner essentially. I hope you can regain your friends once things regain some normalcy for you, I'm sure they'll understand. I worried a lot in my head they'd be pissed at me for kind of ditching them, but they completely understood the situation.

>>43729915
14month but i tried my best at least i can quit knowing i did everything i could

I really wish I had just shut my mouth and left well enough alone, things would be different right now and maybe we could be working on our own individual issues and our shared issues together without being separated

>>43729946
north of a couple of years
she's made attempts intermittently yeah, never longer than a few days but still
has kinda always been like this, but moved herself in with me pretty much immediately and now i feel like id be an awful person to put her out even though i rationally understand that an inability to afford finding her own place falls on her more than me, lucky enough to live somewhere with abundant affordable rentals but that'd still likely be too much
anyhow, i deeply appreciate the kind words and understanding

>>43729687
Yeah, you're right and I should pribably put in for some time off. I'm realizing how tired I was now because I've done basically nothing but sleep, check the board for a few minutes, then sleep again all day. Could totally just sleep more now, honestly. Thanks for talking to me and the nice thread :)

>>43730643
14 months isn't very long anon, but I won't try to change your mind, just support you
You say quit, but it's probably best to just boymode/manmode wtv and keep hrt I hope. It might not seem like it can get better, but it can get worse off it
>>43730932
I hope you can work on your issues and find happiness again anon
>>43731234
Sleep's good, you can't actually catch up on all the sleep debt you have, but you can by sleeping regularly as much as you can for some weeks
Sleep well if u go back to bed and ty anon

I feel like I'm fucked for life. I never learned to actually socialize, I don't know a single person in this town, I make less than my rent so i cant afford to go out and do anything to try to meet people and learn to socialize. I feel like im a deep hole that keeps getting deeper. I've missed any chance to ever make it out. I thought I finally found that chance but the girl I loved more than anyone threw me away for a new one and cratered me deeper down. I feel like I'm dying and that I'll never make it. I've been crying most days about her and about how alone I feel and I don't know what the fuck to do about it.

>>43731783
Can you get to know your coworkers better? It'd be a small start to socializing.
I'm sorry you've been crying for days, I don't think it's hopeless, it's rough to make less than rent, can you split, sublet, roommates or anything like that? I hope you find someone for you that can help you be happy

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I've never gotten over my first crush. I've never had another connection like that with anybody. Or had anybody reach out to hang out as much.
Sometimes I look at her insta(I made one recently) and she barely posts pictures with herself but I really hope she's happy as she thrives. She still smiles the same.
Fuck. Like I fucked up over half a lifetime ago. She barely thinks of me, if ever.
At some point I just want to tell her she made a good difference in my life, that the memory of being friends with her helped me survive dark times.
God. Am I creepy? I've been making an effort not to put her on too high a pedestal, and to never overtly bug her. She's hard to reach by design, she had it rough at home, too... I wish I knew then how to articulate feelings as I do now. She... Tried so hard back then to reach out to me, but I was being damaged by bad, older kids. I dunno.

>>43726331
like amogus?

I've only been on e for about two months. I've started slowly feeling more like a real person, and as a result I can't dissociate as much anymore, which I absolutely hate. Whenever I look in the mirror now, I see some_thing_ that is actually supposed to resemble me, and I loathe it so much. Whatever I see in the reflection I despise, my skin, my frame, hair, style, facial bone structure, hands, etc. I hate my voice and how I act and think, even how I type. In the few months after I kind of accepted I wanted to transition (but before e) I already tried improving a lot, tried makeup, haircare, skincare, voice training, working out; just like any trans woman early in transition would, but even back then I felt like I couldn't get anything to look right. hrt just sent these doubts and hate spirals into overdrive. I can't even discern between features that are genuinely ugly regardless of gender and features I dislike because they make me look male anymore.
I just feel so horribly and fully masculine, today I felt like I was starting to get sick and needing to throw up. Is this how dysphoria really feels? I've had no visible changes aside from very minor breast growth so far but simply the awareness I got from how bad everything is makes it really hard for me to justify continuing hrt because it all feels so unfixable. I wish I could just forget.

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>>43726331
Well, I don't really tend to vent in public spaces, but these past few months have been incredibly difficult for me mentally.

I feel like no matter how much my family and friends try to convince me that I'm not a burden or that I indeed am a real man regardless of looks, my brain just won't accept it, and it hurts so much. I wish I could just accept what they say so I could be happier and, more importantly for me, so they don't feel sad around me, but it's been impossible.

Every time I feel like I'm finally getting better and my mind is clear, I fall back into the same self-destructive thoughts and hurt myself. It makes me feel so ungrateful, weak and pathetic. I have people who love me and a reason to live, so why does my brain insist I should hate myself? And why do I listen to it?...

i met someone i think is completely perfect. i am deeply besotted. everything about her is so beautiful to me and i desperately want to spend my life with her but we live on opposite sides of the planet. i fear that i will never even get to see her.

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>>43732375
god i could've pretty much written this post verbatim about my ex-gf
but no you aren't creepy, it's normal and healthy to be grieving lost connections especially with someone you loved that deeply

>>43732375
I don't necessarily think it's creepy. Otherwise I'd probably be a bit creepy too then. eventually you can move on, but it's nice to look back at the people that you remember, especially if you have regret or guilt
it's hard to know if it's ever right to reach out or not, but if you ever do, you need to keep expectations low and allow them to ignore it
>>43732413
yes, but if you were the imposter and had a real bad round
>>43732582
is caused by increased emotional sensitivity, you've always experienced dysphoria, just never to this degree likely
i'm sorry you're really struggling with it but just know that two months is a very very short time
most of the people here have felt the exact same way, some still. it's hard to not get down about your appearance, but try to stay strong in it for some time

>>43732694
I'm sorry it hurts anon, it's nice you have friends and family to support you and try for comfort even if you can't feel it work. Your brain is just struggling through a difficult time, and it prefers a sense of normalcy, if sadness had become your default then it's hard to become happy. This means though, that happy can one day become a new normal for you
>>43732904
if the feelings are mutual, you should try to find a way to meet, ideally whichever way is cheapest
I hope you two can speak often and spend time together

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>>43733012

I ruined it all. Every time I almost killed myself over the years I'd set aside things she could ebay for a decent amount.

>>43733018

I'm so alone. I only have my mom and two friends too busy.
I miss. I dunno. I couldn't handle rejection any year soon, I'm going to PHP daycare for being fucked up... And someone like her was so easy to adore, she has a good life.
I wish I died in the womb instead of my twin. She'd have been better, I think.
It feels extra unfair. I starved, carved, and let myself get groomed in hs. I carried scissors at one point because I was scared of the oldest guy once my pea brain realized none of them wanted to be friends.

I've worked so hard to be loveable without lying about who I am. But I'm a failure. Fucking. Failure.

>>43733047
First anon here, thank you, I hope that day comes soon...

>>43726331
I'm in my early 30's, I have type 1 diabetes, I'm poor and have a dead end job, my mother has cancer and my dad is dead. I feel like I'm destined to be alone forever and just be miserable. I miss my ex like crazy but I fucked up that relationship being a mentally ill retard. I wish I didn't take him for granted he made my life much more tolerable. I'm trying to get by day by day but life just fucking sucks and I'm losing hope that it will get better.

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>>43726331
My dad died. I feel relieved. Relieved that he doesn’t have to deal with this disgusting, rotten place, or with all the people who took advantage and abused his kindness- including me.
We were talking on the phone just an hour before it happened; I like to think I sounded happy over the phone, because seeing his only son happy was the only thing he wanted in this world.

out of a job, sleep cycle is shot, dont particularly have any hobbies. been stuck on this website for 7 years. I just wanna die

>>43733126
I'm sorry, I'm not sure of anything to say, I don't think your a failure
>>43733555
When it does it will feel soon, as this'll have felt short after enough time
>>43733576
I hope you can find someone new, working on yourself is the best way to improve and find someone so you can hold on without being a 'mentally ill retard' again. Nobody is destined to be alone.
>>43733792
I was stuck here for a while, levy and now i'm back. Learning hobbies, i've never been able to do, but it's supposed to help
Finding friends was the only way I was able to leave the first time, I came back because i felt so alone. Find people if you can anon, it makes it much easier to leave. i'm sure you want to die
>>43733772
I'm sorry he's gone, I'm glad you can imagine he's happy now. I like to do that for people i've lost. If he was kind in life he'd want you to be ok and be better, not just in a mental sense, but you said that you felt you took advantage of him. Try to find out why, and if you did then try to improve as he'd want it
i'm not the best for this idk, I'm sorry anon

>>43726331
Just when i thought something good would happen my herpes is back. I don't even fucking know how i got it when i was 10
It's my boyfriends birthday and now the date is ruined
My life is currently trash and I really don't see how this isnt a sign for me to kill myself. Things won't get better, never

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>>43734706
>I don't think your a failure

You're kind to say.
I've left many a shrink rendered speechless, I must confess. Not about the m'lady thing, mpr, normally I'd not be giving it this much thoiught but was spiraling anyway.
Had some weed and watched Superman to chill, though, g'night. Thank you for being careful with my feelings. You're a good person..

guy asked me out
had a panic attack and threw up from the stress
nearly passed out in the bathroom from the idea of someone liking me
i know some people would love to be in my position but i cant get over how much i hate myself enough to let someone in and its been killing me for years now
im set on a trajectory to die alone because my body cannot physically let me be okay with the reality of someone maybe wanting to spend time with me and be intimate no matter how much i yearn for the fantasy of it
it feels like my consciousness is caught in a prison that wants to strangle it and kill it
even as i type this my stomach is tight and in physical discomfort and has been for hours now
no one should be wired this way, i dont understand it and im too fucked to fix it so i just run away like usual

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>>43726331
I feel like I've got nothing to share with my friends anymore, nothing in common. and they can't seem to understand what I think. we didn't have any conflict, it's just seems that I'm falling apart from them

I do recognize it could be and probably is my fault, I impose my own set of rules onto every relationship I have with people; I can't explain those rules, they're abstractions that I can't word out. there's this profound discomfort I have with people, anyone, all the time, too.
I can't connect with them like we used to, and when we do I start to blurt out everything off my mind for some reason until one of them freaks out and asks me if I'm okay, cause I'm talking "weirdly". that's when it hits me and I start to think "is this not how it's done?"

now with all that said, I don't know what to feel at the idea of a possible fall-out. they're the first friends I've ever had in my life, since nearly 2 years ago. I'm afraid I'll get some paranoid fit like I used to and cut them off. though I do treat it with apathy; the thing that I'm actually afraid of is saying something that'll hurt them when trying to protect myself

I don't like making friends much, it feels like some sort of invasion. my lack of friendships is like some sort of virginity to me (is is a weird way to put it?) I feel more pure when I don't let people in. but right now, I'd like to find at least one new friend. someone more like myself, to understand me


also I'm getting even more neurotic because of my lack of a sexual life... I'd like to meet someone to do things with, to stop being a khhv once and for all. I don't wanna jerk off and don't do it because it disgustes me when I look down and don't see a dick. wish I was born with one. I guess this is a minor problem though

>>43734745
Things will get better, i'm sorry the date was ruined. As for how you got it, have you talked to a therapist to speak about your childhood? And can you make plans for when you're good for a new date? i'm sure he'll understand
>>43734801
sleep well, i'm glad weed and superman helped you chill. Also i would not categorize myself as a good person
>>43734814
That's awful, you deserve kindness and happiness. I can understand to a degree feeling like you don't, maybe not to the point of being physically ill, but still
I hope the tightness and discomfort subside
>>43735190
Do you have schizophrenia, ocd or autism? If you are saying 'weird' things and don't understand or see it yourself it might make sense. Schizophrenia i ask because of the abstract rules, paranoia, talking weirdly and acting with apathy
It's not a weird way to put it, at least in my mind. I don't see my lack of friends as virginity necessarily, though i've had some briefly. I feel uneasy when i have friends just for different reasons, like hating the inevitability of losing them or the pain it will cause
also, you ftm? i wouldn't categorize that as a minor problem, especially if sorting like that is causing you unease or disgust

I'm trying my best to stay healthy and improve my transition and my body but it feels pointless, i've been the way i am for so long i don't think i can change im constantly disgusted by myself so often that it's normal now, my transition stalled and i'm a pathetic fucking loser
over five years and i don't know makeup, have no friends, have no boobs, no srs, no orchi, nothing i still dress like a 15 year old boy in jeans and t-shirts instead of like an actual adult woman my age, i'm so tied up in the past i can't live my life
everything in the past feels better even if it sucked, i just wish i was a kid or at least younger still, i fucking hate my life, i never should have lived past 21 like i thought i would, every year the goal post moves forward aged i cant ever see past it, im not meant to be alive or here, my existence feels like a mistake
I have no friends, no future, i've always been mentally ill, i stopped binge drinking when i lost all my friends but i want to go back, i want to regress to cutting myself and drinking until i pass out so i can feel happy again. I hate change, everything should have kept the same, i just keep losing people, im not scared of death, but im petrified of time and change

Nothing quite hurts like the look somebody gives you when you pour out your heart and they still don't understand you.

this is an interesting thread Puffin. i'm suddenly seeing so much of you but i hadn't at all for years. i hope you are well
anyway i keep thinking about detransition. my body is so disgusting. horrifying even. i am barrel-chested in the way that somehow only elderly men can be. i have extremely broad shoulders, my face is formless and weird and creepy in the way of men whose faces' skin seems to exist as its own, separate and unfeatured face over the real skull-face underneath. i have no hips; my whr is ostensibly approaching 1.0, though circumferential numbers are saved by my butt. to observe myself is to observe deformity the likes of which are seen only in nightmares and various planes of Hell. anyway i think it would be easier if i just gave up on being a woman and instead treated "man" as my default. i feel so disgusting because i do not fit the mold of the thing i am supposed to be. but if i turn this around and make it deliberate, rather than being a woman who fails to exist as female, i will be a man who fails to exist as a male, which would be much easier to handle, i think. it would feel much less disgusting, anyway. my disgust, here, is probably indicative of some greater personal issue of internalized transmisogyny. but whatever. i wish i could be nothing. i wish i could erase myself completely. i wish i didn't have a body. i don't want a body. i'm so gross

>>43735664
Being misunderstood in critical moments and when you're laying out emotions can truly hurt, I'm sorry anon
>>43735716
I understand it, I hope when you say detransition you would still medically take hrt
Having a body freakin blows, it sounds like some of it is you being unable to rectify your looks with your self-image, not to doubt your credibility or hugbox though
I don't know what would be easier, treating man as default or not, but I hope you'd be able to make peace with whatever choice you decide so that you can ease some of the discomfort
>This is an interesting thread...
Yeah, I mean I did these before at least quite a bit when I first ever joined the board, I was gone for almost two years, but isolation and losing friends again drove me back so could be better i guess
wish this place felt the same, but that's not a possibility

I have a friend who I really want to be in a cute t4t relationship with but we aren't really close enough to talk to her about that since she has a busy IRL life and only saves a little bit of space for me in that life. It's a shame that she chooses not to reserve a larger spot in her life for me, and I truly believe we could be a cute couple together if she wanted to. But it's kinda out of my hands.

>>43726331
I just got from being banned off this site for a month due to changing geographic location. I genuinely had a good time doing like things but damn from what I saw lurking here during the end of my days, the amount of foid projection that exists on this board is chilling. There really is nothing wrong with being male brained and I think this should be the social norm for everyone. I think the world would be a much better place if this was implemented. Think about it no more whining about unfairness, just human up and get good.
it really is that simple

>>43736740
the idea i have been considering for a while is just shaving my head or cutting my hair short and getting a binder. i don't think i could ever stop hormones. desu i am being a fucking drama queen abt my appearance bc i pass but i do not look normal at all; people just don't know because my voice is weird and they don't see my body. when i talk about being a man who fails at being male what i really want is to just be nothing at all. i am getting srs relatively soon and the vague plan is to do this all afterwards so that they won't stop taking me seriously before my surgery
>could be better i guess
sorry friend :( i haven't really got anybody in my life right now either. i also disappeared for a while but i guess that's why i'm still here. i miss the way the board used to be, too, but for me i think that's just nostalgia. people were much less kind then...it's like having Stockholm syndrome.

>>43736765
Maybe you could get closer to her over time if it's meant to be and let it naturally grow? Possible she could slowly give you more time, no?
>>43736806
I don't think everyone being malebrained is necessarily better, I think both fembrained and malebrained have negatives
Unfairness shouldn't be tolerated really, systemic discrimination can't be outdone by pulling up your bootstraps
>>43736841
Hm, probably better to cut short rather than shave if you go through with it
It'd be better to have hair still if you experience regret, also congrats on getting srs relatively soon i suppose
>just nostalgia
probably, it is definitely way nicer and less hateful than it was lol
also missing daily thread of a random trip saying they're going to commit suicide, not like I didn't contribute to that

>>43737270
i probably will just cut it short...bagel also told me Do Not Shave but i've always wanted to be bald...at least once in my life i want to try
sorry if it was unclear i am in a completely different state of mind now than i was when i made my initial post i'm kind of just talking now
anyway i forgot abt the trip suicide threads desu....i cannot believe i let this place influence my psychic development
i do genuinely miss bmg...there will never be another gen as cozy

>>43736765
God, I'm in a similar situation. The girl I'm into is a couple thousand miles away and doesn't like ldrs. I don't either, but I'd totally deal with it for her. I'd probably be willing to move closer to her, too since where I live is kinda awful for trannies anyways. Idk, I doubt she's even into me and I definetly don't think I'm good enough for her, lmao. I hope you two can get closer, both literally and metaphorically :)

>>43737385
wow haven't spoken to bagel in quite a while
It seems you're doing slightly better right now? which is good
I miss bmg too, i still talk to some of the posters, i remember using it to begin with because mtfg scared me

>>43738505
i am better lol..sorry
i talk to bagel every so often :) i have her and a few others on Instagram..most of us seem to be doing much more okay nowadays than back then, which makes me happy...i should add you too if you have an account desu
i'm pretty sure i just started posting in bmg because that's where i thought i was supposed to go lole...

>>43739975
feel free to, if u were ever in the disc server id rather share insta there
If you have acc and any mutuals i should be able to tell
i'm also mutuals with a few of the bmg people on insta

>>43740094
i'll just dm you :) i have felt bad abt the last message you sent for like a bajillion years anyway..

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>>43726331
i used to cope about my kissless virgin-ness by saying i was an incel, but i think it's really just that i don't want to date another person. i don't have a strong desire for sex and i don't place any real positive value on it, in that if i died a virgin, i would probably be more proud than upset, so the only reason i would ever want to be in a relationship is for emotional intimacy. the problem with that is it necessitates purposefully making yourself weak with the hopes the other party is not going to betray you or take advantage of you, which is retarded, because all relationships will end and most will always end badly. when you care about someone more than they care about you, you transfer control to them and you make yourself weaker than they are, so you lose. but if you don't care about someone as much as they care about you, which is generally not a lot in my experience, there is no point in pursuing a relationship, as there will be no degree of meaningful emotional exchange or investment, which is the whole reason for a relationship in the first place.

every time i see a story from some bitching roastoid about something her husband did, said or thought online it disgusts me in such a visceral way (and i use AFAB females as a prime example, because they're the ones i hear doing the it the most, and also i generally don't like them. maybe it's transphobic and means i don't view tranners as real women, but i like to imagine trans girls have souls and are more capable of love and care because of the hardships they endured as a man, among other things) , because i know that someone would do the exact same thing to me if i were to date, and i despise being humiliated, publicly or otherwise. the idea of ever loving or trusting someone and then having them snarkily dissect every single one of my idiosyncrasies makes me feel like i would rather never date anyone and die alone than even try

>>43741257
lol faggot

>>43726331
I'm not particularly bent about it but we're dooming about not being skinny and having big ribs and having increasingly worrisome symptoms and uhhhh tbdesu that's it for right meow

>>43726331
I have noone left in my life, the person I was closest to abandoned me for my sake because they were very abusive to me yet I still deeply miss them due to being best friends with them for 7+ years.
I still cry thinking about the absurd amount of time and nice moments we had together, seeing someone I cared about deeply slowly destroy themselves both mentally and physically (very very severe self mutilation) has drained my soul.

>>43726331
everyone at work can tell im a tranny even tho i boymode all the time!! im such a visible faggot and there is nothing i can do about it!! im trying therapy again but they never know how to help me i just want someone to talk to really.

>>43741257
idk what to say to this one it confuses me desu
but i hope if you do ever find someone that they wouldn't dissect you online like that
>>43742933
symptoms? I hope you're ok; as for skinny part i wish you luck on a weight loss money should you take one
>>43742972
that sounds really awful, that's alot of time to spend and then lose someone, even someone not good to you
I hope your heart can heal anon
>>43743074
What do you do to boymode? Sorry therapists never know how to help you
maybe someone to talk to would be good though if you can make a close friend or couple friends

>>43743422
>Symptoms
We'll be fine, we know how to avoid our common delusional thought processes and the hallucinations are mild again, it's just been a stress thing, just, really really scared of it getting worse, tbdesu it's been worse lately than it has in a long, long time.
>Weight loss money
Unable to parse sentence, what does this mean? Do people give out money in return for losing weight??? Is that something we can really do??

>>43743532
I could've sworn I typed journey..., but also yes apparently at least in a small capacity I make no claims of if it's legit or not tho

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>>43726331
i ordered breast pump for my tubular bests 1 week ago and NO UPGATE but yesterday they email me to tell me they OVERBOOKED orderes and now i gotta wait 2 WEEKS to POOMP IT oh my GOD i am so angry i might just havet o go SCREW UP bunches of toiled paper into tiny BALLS like little handmade diamonds
pic UNREL