>>43755519
I hope to god I never am given a gun. I am not mentally stable lmao

>>43755530
I don't think i could ever have a gun, being better or not it'd just take a moment of despair

i was born to be alone and slowly get dementia from the lack of socialization. i've grown into an infantilized retard that can't talk to no one

>>43755605
4chan and work is my only socialization

i miss my husband a lot

>>43755519
my ass is too fat and my boobs are too big

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I dont ever do anything with this gift of life that God has chosen to so beautifully endow me with. Matter of fact i'm not appreciative of it whatsoever and mostly just seethe like a chud.

I need to frot.
But everyone I meet online is from fucking toronto.

>>43755519
I've seen a couple of these threads but I've never seen anyone ask you op. Are you alright? What motivates you to make them? Anything you wanna get off your chest?

>>43755605
>>43755610
This is better than nothing for socialization, at least I think so. I've really never had good socialization, and got terrible memory, but it apparently can be reversed for the isolation caused bit
Sorry you've got only here and work though
>>43755618
soon, hopefully soon
>>43755622
steak too juicy? Unless ftm than could actually be awful and i'm sorry anon

>>43755668
If you know you're not appreciating it, why not facilitate change? Do you resent life?
>>43755676
That's rough, hopefully u can find someone close to u
>>43755697
>Are you alright?
I mean, better than I've been at other points in life I guess. I'm not binge drinking or cutting myself for almost a year now
I make these threads to speak to anon, be nice, help others and repent for being an irredeemable person in a more general sense
Thank you for asking <3

>>43755728
>If you know you're not appreciating it, why not facilitate change? Do you resent life?
Doesnt feel natural or like something i should do to be glad i woke up for another day

>>43755728
I'm glad you're doing better nona. Fwiw I don't think you're an irredeemable person, I think most of us feel that way bc we're mentally ill. But anyway I'm so happy you're clean. Keep being nice and take care <3

Fucking page reloaded because I selected an image and I'm not retyping it. At least wanted to say that your threads are nice and you seem like a good person, Puffin

>>43755519
i dissociated most of my early life to escape trauma and now i have arrested development

>>43755770
That's fair, Not necessarily happiness, but do you find contedtness in your station? You seem to have a good grasp on who you are to be able to say that won't feel natural
>>43755786
I disagree, but thank you, take care and sleep well/have a nice day depending on time zone
>>43755788
Thank you, I like making these threads

>>43755894
I'd done the same mostly, you can attempt to improve and grow for practical things but idk how it works for things like emotional development, usually u just get bpd or smth
How do you feel it's affecting you specifically?

>>43755998
desu my thinking is extremely limited cus most of my life it's been replaced with daydreaming. it's created a barrier between me and anything that i currently want to do and i'm basically a thoughtless retard now. also i was never socialized so it's hard to talk with people when i'm not absolutely plastered

>>43756186
I think you can try to help and train the thinking through learning and thought exercise, it's just really hard
I'm no expert though, I have really bad memory and absent-minded a lot, but still think well enough
Do you get any online socialization? I almost exclusively was online only for a decade of like 10-20 except a small time I had my only ever real friend
It will never replace it, but in-depth conversation and voice chatting can help

>>43756263
yeah my memory is fucked. i'll try learning and thought exercise and i'm like wow what a breakthrough and will literally forget everything 5 minutes later. it doesn't help i have no nueroplasticity left in my old ass. no socialization online. just irl with people i already know or lame old people at bars trying to pick me up

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ive been cutting myself again and im fat and disgusting

>>43756333
i'm really sorry to hear that then, I still encourage you to maybe try online socialization if not meeting new people irl
not even just for the sake of socialization itself or for memory
>>43756451
are you cutting yourself because you think that? if you're cutting yourself, please take best practices with sterilization, bandaging, Steri-Strips if needed, and silicon gel

>>43755519
>5 years hrt
>B cup

>>43756451
can we see...

>>43756513
>please take best practices
no i want to rot and lose limbs and die guess what it doesnt happen things arent that easy
>>43756565
not rlly everytime i show i get banned for days

>>43755519
>What's wrong
my shoulders are too big

>>43755788
I'm drunk enough to retype it now. I've finally been given rnough time and space to confront what I assume is undiagnosed ptsd. I don't want to, but I don't have much of an option. Years of sexual abuse and harassment as a child and young adult has left me not feeling human. I don't feel safe. I'm so glad I have a friend that is there for me, but my failure to have any sort of romantic connection with people has also left me feeling less than human. Even if I know at least part of that lack of connection is because of the trauma. I'm interested in someone, but it's unrequited. I think it'll probably always be unrequited, but all I can do is try to make her happy and try to prove that wrong. I want to feel safe. I want to feel okay

>>43755519
horrendous chad face i have. i love the art of doing make up and wearing cute clothes, but my face ruins it all. i just can't express myself, and i don't really feel human at all because of it. the worst part isn't that though, it's these weird stupid mental breakdowns i get every week or so because of this that last hours where i become this broken record player that hits/scratches itself and cries on the floor. i feel as though it's the most disgusting problem somebody can have. mental illness that nobody around you can sympathize with, and everyone else could do much better things with your life if they were in your body. i'm completely retarded and insane

>>43756538
Yeah.... same boat, I hope fat transfer augmentations are ok if i'm ever able to get them, sorry you're cursed nona
if you ever wanna do crazy stuff to attempt getting more go for it, ive done dermal prog, pioglitazone, massage, high E, low E reset, more T suppression, less..
If one works for you, good luck
sorry you lost a dice roll
>>43756565
From comparison to sick thrill to perversion, it's not healthy for anyone involved and just leads to bans
>>43756588
Cutting is temporary pain, infection and rot wouldnt be and offer no emotional relief besides being an inefficient way to die as well
I'll leave you be though, I hope that when you cut it's for episodic struggle and not a constant, but either way im sorry

>>43756588
catbox?

>>43756614
kys actually

>>43755519
the world is doomed and everyone in it are fated to be slowly dragged into intolerable hell

>>43756592
It's unfortunately shoulders are one of the things that haven't been fixable through surgery or hormones as of today
If you have any musculature I hope it decreases to have less prominence
>>43756614
please stop

Computer died over night
Stabbed my finger trying to fix computer to no avail
Allergies are trolling me
Mom came home an hour early and almost walked in on me playing with my dildo right as I was getting in the mood
FUCK MY STUPID TRANNY LIFE

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i spent every day of my life for the past 10 years trying to become a kind and loving person
now all evidence points to the fact that i am this kind of person, but the process of becoming this way has left me with horrible imposter syndrome
people are constantly praising me and all it does is hurt because i know that i'm a fraud and all of my kindness is only simulated
i don't feel anything inside when i help people, even though ive learned to mirror all the body language humans use when they feel good.
i can touch the hearts of others, but nobody can see what an ugly and disgusting creature i am deep down. i've wrapped my heart in lies to hide its ugliness. i don't even recognize who i am anymore, but as i peel off my mask i only get more and more disgusting. i always wanted to feel love, but i never could. i am truly alone.

>>43756592
>>43756633
i've heard of girls getting scapular reductions which apparently help

I've been trying to type out some big long vent about how I feel for like the last 15 minutes. I can't even probably articulate myself because I'm a fucking retarded. I'm retarded for being a gross pervertrd ugly fag who thought that he could be trans. my life and my 'transition' is a total fucking failure. I wish I had the balls to kill myself but I'm to lazy and stupid to even do that. I fucking hate myself, I hate my life, I hate being poor, I hate being a retard. I just can't do it anymore.

>>43756663
Its okay nona we are all a little retarded

>>43756598
I think it's good that you have a friend that's there for you and you're able to finally confront this possibility
The person you have now might be unrequited, but it's possible you could end up together with them or another someday
it helps if you have a friend or about that trauma where others have experienced similar
>>43756603
if you mean physically around you, yeah it can be hard to find that in non physical sense I'm sure many here can sympathize
I know that type of breakdown well, i'm sorry, but I don't really have advice for it
for what it's worth I don't think you're retarded or insane, you're pained
>>43756632
It's a bit nihilistic, the world might be doomed or not, but i wouldn't think everyone would slowly go
If the world was doomed there'd be comfort in it, because you knew it was temporary and insignificant, but we can't so instead there's uncertainty or hope for optimism
>>43756641
that really sucks. I hope your mom is a decent person and your computer's fine
just commiseration but my moms picked up mail that said be discrete and was very obviously a dildo before, it was real embarrassing for a while though lasted only a couple months

>>43756646
what do you feel that after 10 years of practice and training at being kind that it would mean you aren't?
if it's all that people ever see, wouldn't that mean it's just as much you?
To be an ugly and disgusting creature deep down, it would need to have been witnessed no? i'm sorry you feel lonely and face this impostor syndrome
>>43756650
really? I've heard of clavicle shortening but not of that before, would it really affect appearance much?
>>43756663
just because you can't articulate how you feel doesn't mean you're retarded
language is limiting as it can never convey the actual intent and meaning behind words as they're felt before speaking
I hope things improve for you the transition, being poor
I don't think failing to commit is lazy or retarded, it shoes deep thought
i've tried three times and failed not including aborted attempts, probably always was low efficacy chance but still
People say they get peace, but i felt more panic than anything, or nothing at all
id think it's better to not have tried at all and to fail still, there's been alot i'd have missed
smarter not to

>>43756677
>I hope your mom is a decent person
She is but I dont thunk she knows about my toys, I was able to get rid of everything before she went up to my room luckily.
>my moms picked up mail that said be discrete and was very obviously a dildo
I had a very similar situation, the package arrived but it was quite discreet.
For some reason tho she just decided like "oh yeah imma just open it for funsies!", luckily I saw her doing that and was able to snatch the box & make excuses on the way to my room.
I dont think she meant any harm with it and probably just thought she was giving me less of a hassle if I didnt have to open the box myself

>>43756677
>if you mean physically around you, yeah it can be hard to find that in non physical sense I'm sure many here can sympathize
>I know that type of breakdown well, i'm sorry, but I don't really have advice for it
>for what it's worth I don't think you're retarded or insane, you're pained
everything i think about myself is what i believe everyone around me sees when they look at me. maybe none of it is true, but to most, i feel like it is. i just wish i wasn't beholden to others. you're kind for taking your time to make this thread and respond to people here.

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>>43755519
I'm going to lose my job, its a small company that I own but things have been though, I'll probably be homeless in 2 or 3 months at max and I dont know what to do.
the worst part is not even that, the worse is that there are 3 friends that work with me, and they all depend on the income from this. they have family to help them, so at least they wont be on the street but I still feel terrible to have to cut them when the company goes off.

I'll probably kill myself after I get evicted. I have no good experience and no real chance at getting a real job, no family to help me either.

>>43756776
running a business means you can manage a business. even if it goes under it doesn't mean you don't have those skills.

>>43756798
well if its goign under it means I managed it poorly, but without any academics or other jobs experience, I wont be able to get into managerial positions, also I dont have money or ideas to start something new. so I'm fucked

>>43756646
You sound like my ex. Poor soul. I pray that you and her both eventually find fulfillment and happiness one day.

My mom died a few years ago. I wish she was still here so I could come out to her and get some full support saar. Ah well.

>>43756730
Glad she's nice, but always best if she never finds out lol, lucky you were there when she began to open it
>>43756732
I get that sometimes I wish I were imperceptible, i hope you're wrong and most don't see you that way
>>43756776
I was originally going to say what >>43756798 said, shut down or not you likely got experience in management, accounting, payroll, leadership and related skills right? You might not get a manager role, but i hope you'd be able to get a job. If they're really friends and not just employees could they help prevent you going homeless? Sorry this business didn't work out, if you get new ideas hopefully you get funding some way
>>43756898
i'm really sorry you lost her, i hope you have good memories of her and can feel what she would have said if youd been able to come out

>>43756975
>If they're really friends

yeah we were friends before I started the company and I hired them to help me, the thing is in my country we have a really big problem with high unemployment rates, it's hard to get a job, those 3 friends of mine couldnt find and one even has a doctorate. most of them live with their extended family, I could maybe ask to get for a few days at best, but wouldnt be able to live for a long term (and belive I would need lots of time to find even a wagie job)

Even when things are going well i feel like this

>>43755530
>>43755563
Neither of you should be able to vote

>>43757269
Democracy is retarded and the average person shouldnt have a say in anything unless they are educated on it
Technocracy supremacy

>>43755519
whats a trannies

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>>43755519
Back on hrt after dropping it following 5 years of boymoding. Besides being annoyed at myself for stopping the hrt like a retard I've recently become bothered by my lack of irl friends and anxiety cucking me out of life.
Still it was nice to vent and my copes help.

>>43757139
Jeez, I hope you could find something quick despite the job market, and that you'd have at least a few days, sorry you're in this anon
>>43757149
iktf, sorry you can't enjoy the good things
>>43757269
I'm a functional member of society that can be trusted to vote tyvm
>>43757324
really sad people
>>43758459
Hope being back on hrt helps, try not to get off it again...
Hope you can make irl friends

Why do mods and jannies hate diapers so much? Every diaper thread I post gets deleted and I get a warning or banned and now I don't post them anymore because I don't wanna be permabanned.

>>43756728
>if it's all that people ever see, wouldn't that mean it's just as much you?
If it is, I'll never be able to see that side of me because im looking from the inside

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>>43755519
I lost my job over a year ago and haven't been able to find anything in my field since. My mom died last year. I had to put down my oldest cat a couple weeks ago. Now I'm in the process of selling my house because I can't afford to keep it anymore. I've had to leave all the Discord servers I was in due to drama & heartbreak, and I'm deeply lonely. And I'm madly in love with someone I can't have.
The last year and a half has been "and then, things got worse" over & over, and I don't know how much more I can take.

Thank you for making these threads, Puffin. You seem like a good person.

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>>43755519
Living in a red state is driving me insane. I don’t know how to cope with new anti trans legislation being passed at nearly a monthly basis now, not to mention targeted harassment campaigns, the increasingly frequent individual transphobia I’m seeing, or news stories about us being assaulted or killed every week. I’m stealth so I know I’m safe from the worst of it but it’s only a matter of time until a bill bans me from restrooms or revokes my ID. If anyone finds out I’m trans they could tell my boss I just can’t live in fear like this.
Im moving to a blue state in a bit over a year but the waiting drives you crazy. I’m barely holding it together lately.

Inb4 “Westoid trannies think they have it bad, they don’t even know” I’m well aware America is better for trannies than other places but “be grateful the state is only trying to legislate you out of existence and not actively murdering you” isn’t exactly helping

>>43759150
people think America is just one big monolith, but in Kansas you get ur dl revoked and in Washington you get free ffs on welfare. totally state dependent

>>43758637
idk what to say, hope you don't get banned? I can't relate to this, there's probably healthier spaces than /tttt/ to try it on than here
>>43758928
That's the tragedy of it, but I think their perception and your own can both be real, you can be a nice person even when only others see it
>>43759091
Jesus, I'm really sorry
Can you find anything outside of field or with house sale find more competitive market? I really hope you get a break soon, that's too much for such a short time
and maybe find someone you'll fall in love with who you can have. I'm here for the severe loneliness, had discord servers but they died or i was forced out. I hope this place helps a bit with that aspect for you
>>43759150
The south should've been glassed during Sherman's March, small assumption, you could of course be from Wyoming, Indiana, or something else
I lived in the south until last year, I really hope you're able to keep your job and safety until you're able to move
people will dismiss it because you're American, but it's not easy to just go to a blue state, and even when you do move, the red state will haunt you for the rest of your life
Can change ID all i want, but birth certificate will never be changed for example
stay safe nona, glad you're stealth, be careful <3

>>43759262
If you can literally just move your problems arent real

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>be me, mtf, 24
>living with boyfriend for roughly 2 months
>everything is going well
>notice that he got infatuated with someone
>starts showing me less affection
>i feel terrible with it, like being cheated on
>tells me he wouldn't mind if i started doing the same thing
>i tell him to break it off
>doesn't work
>i give him the ultimatum
>he finally agrees
>a couple of days later he does the same thing
>tells me he felt resent and decided he doesn't care
>i keep whining and distancing myself from him
>decide to just let him do whatever, even though im still against open relationships
>ffw 3 months
>during an argument the topic of an open relationship gets brought up again
>i dwell on it
>at this point i started daily drinking
>i break down and change as a person
>i decide to give the open relationship thing a try and tell him
>i dont do anything for a while, just erping with someone online
>found this guy
>he's like me but cis amab
>i connect to him very deeply, both sexually and emotionally
>he treats me like i've never been treated before
>it feels gorgeous
>i make sure to give bf the same attention and affection he normally would expect from me
>boyfriend distances himself from me
>tells me he doesnt see me as his gf anymore
>"now that i see the shit end of the stick i get it"
>wants to close the relationship

i don't know what to do at this point, it's more of a vent post if anything, if anybody has any advice i'll be glad to see it
also im shit at greentexts i know

>>43755519
Just trying to work my way out of anorexia. Good news is that I am starting to make some real strides. Bad news is that recovery doesn't feel like recovery, it feels like a punishment. I felt better for like a week but now I feel miserable.

>>43759300
Break up with him he does not deserve you, be happy with the other guy you found even if its only temporary

>>43759275
> Being forced to abandon your home, your family, your friends, your career, and having to start over with nothing left in your bank is a privilege actually! You should be grateful that you have the issue of your entire life is being uprooted by the state instead of a real problem!
Omg stfu

>>43759321
i'm scared he would do something to himself or that he wouldnt be able to find anybody else, i still love him after all of this

i pissed myself again. i thought it wouldn't come back from when i was young but i wet the bed the other day. what the fuck do i do i have a girl who likes coming over and laying on my bed

>>43759300
What >>43759321 said is best, if he isn't able to find anyone else that's on him. Wasn't this caused by him finding someone else in the first place? He's not worth it and it's hurting you
Letting him be infatuated with others and make up open relationship rules that only benefit him is just cheating on you
Other guy sounds better
>>43759311
It's a hard path of recovery because you fixed your mind into thinking it was a punishment to begin with
You're doing a great job, recovery is always hardest before it gets easier. I won't say you'll be cured or something because idk if addictions and ED ever go away, but they can numb and the urge can be easier to ignore
>>43759483
Pat dry, Mix equal parts cold water and vinegar, add dish soap and spray then let fully dry maybe vacuum
any staining do again with peroxide instead of vinegar
Sorry this happened, if it becomes recurring think about lining the bed when she isn't there and try to explore why it happened, mental vs physical and address in self, therapy or doctor
also double void before bed

>>43759272
>idk what to say, hope you don't get banned? I can't relate to this, there's probably healthier spaces than /tttt/ to try it on than here
The thing is, when diaper threads aren't taken down, they're pretty active, so there's clearly a community for it here.

>>43759556
Thank you i will do my best to try this, I'll have to walk to the store to get the soap and vinegar hopefully i can avoid buying a lot

>>43759460
If he does thats on him you are not his mom nona

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>>43759272
>Can you find anything outside of field or with house sale find more competitive market?
Outside my field would mean either stocking shelves and still having to sell the house regardless, or going back to school to change careers altogether. The problem with changing careers is there isn't anything I'd rather do instead. I also don't want to move to a big city with 5-8x the cost of living for the sake of a career I fell out of love with years ago. I'll probably end up doing some training/certifications in my field and just keep looking for now.
>maybe find someone you'll fall in love with who you can have.
For a myriad of reasons, I don't have much hope for love.
>I hope this place helps a bit with that aspect for you
It does help a bit being able to talk about it, even if it is just shouting into the void. I appreciate the well wishes.

>>43759758
I mean, it might have activity, but if jannies delete and bans are brought out each time, there's much to be done
>>43760062
good luck
>>43760154
Sorry I can't do more than well-wishes, goodluck honeydew

>>43760245
>I mean, it might have activity, but if jannies delete and bans are brought out each time, there's much to be done
Yeah. I'm kinda thinking I might have to start my own imageboard for ABDL and CG/L and stuff like that.

I’m a sad little faggot who’s scared of leaving for college who has absolutely no social skills or hobbies. I just really want a boyfriend man :(

>>43760695
College is good place to find boyfriend or branch out and meet people
Also tons of clubs to explore to learn hobbies, from fencing to equestrian sport to edm, dance, acting, games, chess or fashion plus tons of others

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You're doing god's work Puffin <3

>>43755519
Idk, things have been better lately, especially since our sister moved in. We watched Blade last night on the living room projector, and it was really nice. We, I, just can't shake the feeling of failure though. We're trying to lose weight and be better about eating, and, since she's been cooking, we've been mildly better, especially with portion sizes, but still, we see threads from others talking about underbust size and head size or whatever, and in alot of ways we already know it's bullshit, there are more cishons than not, our underbust will only get better with time. It's just hard to keep looking forward when every day people are stuck freaking out about the now. We're two years on hrt, that's like, nothing compared to others. We, supposedly at least, from what we've been told, have really good facial structure and'll only need mild ffs if any. We rarely if ever get misgendered, but, who knows. Need to get skinnier, wish some of us didn't rely on food so much. Need to calm down about it, but, huehh.

Also sad about friends, there are, so many people who reach out, who want to talk to us despite our, not very subtle issues, but lately we've just, been too, idk. We'd say tired or busy but, we just, want to hide. Is that okay? Does it matter if that's okay? People hate avoidant types here, but, we are, and, we wish we weren't. To everyone we haven't responded to, if you read this, I'm sorry. We want to say we'll do better, but desu idk if we'll ever be able to do better :<

Also been thinking alot about our old roommate, he uses 4chan alot, dunno what all he looks at, but, worried he's aware of us. It's not new, we've had anxieties about him and my dad just, knowing things, forever. They've been a root for psychosis before. Worried what they'd think of me now, desu, feel bad that we're less worried about what our dad would think of us.

>>43760824
I'm sorry if it's bad to ask, I've done such faux pas before, are you a system? the usage of the word We

Did you like blade? I watched it as a kid, very violent movie and apparently Weasley Snipes is a jerk, but I liked it
I think the portion control and slow progress is best, others being short sighted shouldn't diminish your goals or anything. It's great you hardly get misgendered too, it's a lucky thing to need mild FFS at best. Food reliance is a bummer :/ There's supposed to be ways to replace it though

Avoidant people do get a bad rep, it's hard to understand because avoidance and avoidant behavior are different. It's not a conscious choice to put things off, you end up doing it to avoid hurt and hurt regardless
idk if I'm avoidant, a psych diagnosed me once but idk what I believe, but ik how it can be at least a little bit

And you shouldn't feel bad about worrying less over your father, if he was a negative anchor it's better to let go, it'd be nice if worry didn't exist
I hope the paranoia doesn't get to you too much/easily, I'd had a lot of paranoia at times leading to psychosis, it's heck

I feel very strange recently, like a pervasive feeling of being off or like I'm underwater if that makes sense. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and waiting for a push over it.

The past year I'd been good, almost killed myself last July, broke down and couldn't bring myself to finish it. I find it funny how often I need to change the note, add or remove people, change the things I mean to say. I guess it can't ever be perfect, but it'd be nice if it could be. I bought alcohol so I could get blackout drunk binge drinking again, 9 months fully sober. I can't bring myself to throw it out, I wish I had people around me. I think I might start cutting again too, almost 10 months clean for that one.

They feel like inevitabilities, I have this weight on my chest making it hard to breathe. I had to move away, but I really my family. My dad almost died this year, said my final words to him over the phone before he pulled through. I almost lost it, even if he doesn't really accept me and I felt unloved. I still don't call enough even after that

I feel bad because I have a wonderful girlfriend. She's supportive, patient, kind, but I don't know. I feel like I might not love her anymore and I don't know why.. I feel broken as a person, like there's some disconnect between me and actual human beings I can't articulate. I'd wish I didn't live this long because everything always gets harder. I miss so many people who left me, died or who I grew apart from. I wish I could just have a childhood friend for life like the people on TV do.. atleast maybe highschool or university, but I can't make friends, I can't function as member of society. All these improvements, hard work, and everything else will end up pointless. I'm wasting my time and life and dragging it on just will hurt the people around me even more
I'm sorry for ranting so much.. I'm not really good with words or explaining all of my thoughts. Thanks though, I'm gonna try to stop crying and go to the store

>>43755519
im going to lose the ability to manmode soon due to breast growth being increasingly difficult to hide. this means i will end up having to live as a disgusting, ugly, socially inept, autistic hon. i feel like i will end up a complete social outcast and everyone will hate me. i think i might rather kms

>>43763232
unless u have like FF cups, you can always hide them with the right outfits

>>43763319
i hav like b cups. i can hide them with oversized hoodie + binder + slouching, but this doesnt seem doable over the summer

>>43763434
>>43763232
I mean you can bind, but i wouldn't recommend it
form fitting undershirt, tight sports bra, looser outerwear like baggy shirts, sorry you're worrying about your boobs outing you like this

amicable enough person on a superficial but in reality it seems i'm too odd and flaky and frigid and vain and poorly socialized to ever feel any kind of human intimacy
the thought of me getting close to, being comfortable around someone, of feeling safe in (or because of) their presence, of them seeing me relaxed and un-made-up and ugly and still liking me... the thought of ME experiencing any of that is comical. i look like a rat and i live like a cockroach. realistically i'll die without having felt any of the sweetest human emotions, a life lived at like 60% opacity and poorly cropped
i need so much help but who the fuck would ever want to give it to me and who the fuck could blame them

i'm sorry if my replies are bad or slow in tired
>>43763695
besides people that you can pay to help, what if you could find someone like yourself? Do you think that would be beneficial or you both would get worse?
Sorry you're feeling that way, I hope you'd be able to experience the emotions one day, you're real

>>43756677
I'm pretty sure the friend I have a crush on is going on a trip specifically for hookups. Gonna blow my fucking brains out. Also drunk for the third day in a row because everything in my mind hurts. I deserve to be euthanized at this point. Sorry for being the worst, OP

>>43755519
I want a gf or bf but I don’t want to date

>>43755519
i have no where to go i don't want to go back home but i hate living at work i work at a hotel and am stuck here its fucking miserable.

>>43764278
You're not the worst at all, sorry your crush is doin all that though. You don't deserve euthanasia, please try to take a day off getting drunk maybe? Three days in a row's no good
>>43764428
Like you wish you could just have one without the issues and troubles that came from dating to get/find one? I can get that I think if that's what you mean
>>43764824
Does work pay enough for you to look into getting a job elsewhere a d saving up to leave? Sorry you're miserable there

>>43765168
I have to work in the morning, so I can't get drunk again anyways. That was the last of my alcohol, too. Ate dinner and fell asleep, so I'm already sober again. Probably just gonna crawl in bed and sleep so I can continue not thinking

>>43755519
this isn’t vent so much but i have no one else to talk to
a guy just asked me out and i said yes but im kinda worried about how it’s gonna go cus we have a lot of the same friends so if he dumps me it would be really bad socially. idk.

>>43765797
Also, I should clarify, it's not like she's doing this to hurt me. I don't think she gets that I'm into her the way I am. But like I said, I doubt she'd reciprocate

>>43765918
Sleep well anon, sorry she probably doesn't feel the same
>>43765890
I hope it goes well, then you won't need to worry or be amicable and mutual if it doesn't work

>>43765971
i hope it goes well too. i’ve never dated a boy b4

>>43755519
i thought it was the passoids and young-midshits that could live normal lives, i thought that was me, i thought being a heighthon didn't matter. I thought it was possible for all of us to be beautiful, no matter how naive. I thought my coworkers were just teasing. I thought I was fucking human to the old bitties. im a fucking monster to these people, purposefully try to provoke me every fucking chance they get.

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>>43755519
i'm a friendless loser, i didn't go to college because i was in detox during my high school graduation and my life just fell apart and i did nothing, it hurts seeing everyone else i know doing better than me, i should be doing something but i never do, i spend all day doing nothing just smoking weed alone in my room. i'm too scared too most of the time to do anything. i feel like i failed my transition, i see so much about how better everyone feels, but i'm 3.5 years of hrt and i just feel like almost nothing has happened, my boobs have been almost completely flat, except i got on progesterone for tiny bit and that helped tiny bit but now i can't get anymore and i lost all the boob growth too. part of it too is anorexia but i can't for the life of me make myself eat more, i tried and tried but nothing i do fixes it or makes me able to eat more. i also haven't learned much makeup or dressing more feminine, or anything i'm so scared of how people are going to see me. i feel like i look horrible, i don't want to be hon, i really don't see how anything is feminine about me. idk, i just think i'm pathetic, i have potential, but i dont do anything with it, i never have, i'm too scared, of other people, existing, being myself, and trying to to do anything. and recently the loneliness has been killing me but i feel like if i actually try to talk to people i don't even know how too anymore

>>43755519
I have strong emotions all the time and they mean nothing

>>43755519
https://voca.ro/19EfA6ZCsJ1c

I just want to feel safe again. Yet every time I think I could trust someone, they grow tired and bored of me within the following month. I don't know whats wrong with me that keeps pushing them away. I just want to love someone unconditionally, and maybe see a sliver of that back.

I think I'm too scared to be vulnerable with anyone anymore. It just hurts so much for no reason. I think I'm just going to dissociate and go back to being a workaholic for the next decade to ease my mind off this.

>>43766824
have you felt loved before?

>>43755519
why does twinkdeath have to be a thing
why cant all humans just stop aging at 21

>>43755519
I already have a method I'm going to use to kill myself. Most of my family hates me and I'm basically homeless at the moment, where I live doesn't even feel safe anymore. Also I have "friends" but I don't feel connected with any of them and I can't talk to anyone about how I feel without feeling like a burden. Feels like whatever I do it's never good enough for anyone.

>>43766855
biological limit

>>43766848
That's unfortunately a very hard question. I don't really have a perception of what love is like asides from what I've forcefully pieced together and observed from others as I grew up.

To me love can look like the devoted admiration in the eyes of two people; Love can look like the 6 seconds you spend to halt everything to reassure a partner; Love can look like the daily lunchbox one packs for another; Love can look like the risk that one puts themself through to peer into the soul of their partner, blah blah blah you kinda get the point.

But no, I don't remember genuinely feeling unconditional love from before nor now. There's always been some requirement, some standard, some reason for love to be justified and it makes me feel deeply insecure. My brain has also just been very neurotic and its not helping.

my angel still hasn't returned and i feel like i've lost all hope. i want to kill myself. i don't want to leave him but i know i need to die. i wish someone would kill me. i wish i could just gather the courage to commit suicide already.

>>43766979
is that what you want out of life? before you go? just for at some point in reality to feel that? have someone actually desire time with you, and not leave you? do things for you expecting nothing in return? that stuff isn't a myth, it can happen to you, but i don't think it'd help you be secure, to be honest. being a workaholic wouldn't either, i doubt you'd really get your mind off of feeling like you need someone. do you feel like you have an unrealistic expectation on what your identity should be, and maybe that's why you're so insecure about it? maybe you just want love to not feel so alone about death though, idk. i don't know you

>>43763434
sports bra + stiff button up "safari" shirt. instant no-boobs

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>>43767063
There's a lot of things I'd like to do in my life, but yes to know that sense of safety persist is something I'd really like.

I think I have an okay sense of my identity, be someone that can help others, ease suffering however I can, add to the corpus of human knowledge.

On the death thing, whenever I get very neurotic I just start thinking about death a lot. Maybe you're right this stems from fearing loneliness in death, but what does that change? It'll still be nice to spend the last of your time with someone who appreciates your presence.

>>43767118
if it's not for identity/self worth, then maybe finding someone you can love who will love you is what you need then. i think you'll be able to, despite being abandoned a lot. i've been abandoned a lot; i still think i'll find someone. just have hope i guess. try your hardest to stop thinking so much, even though it's hard

>>43767191
sorry that last sentence sounded retarded

I'm really sorry i'm not responding
>>43766348
I'm sorry Nona, people are terribly cruel. The ones that are cruel are either filled with self-hatred or worse and take joy out of it. I wish you could switch jobs and live a normal life, like we all could
>>43766583
I was like that for a while, I think it's not too late to try. I dropped out, still haven't learned makeup desu, but I started going to university and before I had a job i liked for a while. I wish you luck in curing loneliness and ana, you're right you do have potential, but that means it will still be here. Use it when you're ready
>>43766587
I'm sorry Anon, I wish your emotions could calm
>>43766824
Abandonment issues? Sometimes it's not you, people are either not ready in their own lives or they are taken down a different path. I'm idk if I can listen to the whole audio. I hope you find someone to love who loves you, i wish I could help others more because so many people suffer, especially in this way i'm sorry
>>43766855
Time's cruel. I hate it for a multitude of reasons

>>43766898
I hope you can reach out to those friends do you do the attempt. I know you said there's a disconnect, but i like to think friends or someone out there'd always care
>>43767051
Who was your angel anon? I don't think you should leave him, you don't need to die. I'm sorry to say, i hope you lack the courage. Already slow enough here.. sorry for the bad humor idk, i'm sorry anon, I hope this passes

you're very kind puffin, thank you for doing this

>>43755519
You guys I might have a claim to Canadian citizenship by descent. Being able to flee the Divided Shits of America sounds good to me.

>>43759300
another day of pretty much zero contact, he didn't even accept sweets from me and he loves them
yesterday he even went out specifically in the time when i cook dinner normally, probably to not have to eat dinner with me, so i had to eat by myself..
fuck my stupid ravioli life

i have growing feelings for someone i'm talking to but i know she won't feel the same and it suckss o bad

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all my trans friends are in happy realtionships so i made some cishet friends which are mostly really nice but the men in that group are scary. Feeling like im in purgatory and my life is on hold till SRS in 3 month. Broke and want a romantic relationship again but no one wants to date an unemployed tranny that cant have sex. Got fired at my last job with no reason given. Friend has been gifting me mdma but she said she´s not gonna give me any more till i get a job, but no one is hiring. NVM I JUST GOT CALLED FOR JOB INTVIEW WHILE WRITING THIS YIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE everything is so good and im happy ^-^ yay

>>43767964
disagree, but thank you
>>43768022
He really isn't worth it nona :(
He put himself into this situation twice and now he's ignoring you because he can't face his problems
>>43768078
I'm sorry :(
How do you know she won't feel the same? I hope she still a great positive in your life regardless though

>>43767999
That's great! I hope you can use the claim and get somewhere you feel better/safer
>>43768244
Impeccable timing really, honestly besides the men of the friend group feeling scary to you this is all pretty nice
SRS in 3 months? and interview literally when making this post?
shhhhooooot(said like tow mater) wish I could get some srs in 3 months
Good luck on the interview!

>>43755519
Seriously so fed up with people atp, everyone I've ever trusted in my life turned out to be lying. I put in so much hard work to subvert expectations and put aside ruminations only to have it thrown in my face when, wow turns out my intuit was right all along.
Like I really feel so fucked up right now, it's such a mindfuck when you put in effort to overcome bias and past trauma only to have it reinforced time and time again. It's like self gaslighting I guess. Sometimes I really wonder if I'll ever be able to have meaningful connections with people again. I'm so fucking done baring myself openly, vulnerabilities and all, only to find out the other party never even tried, it makes me feel so fucking used. But then I know you need to do that to have meaningful connections with people, I'm so fucked.
Humans are simple creatures hidden under layer upon layer of cope and rationalization, a fog of deceit that masks their true selves, their true desires, both from themselves and others. That is where the true complexity lies - unpicking all of that.

>>43755519
>Vent thread
I broke it off with my gf because I couldn't afford her
Fucked up part is I'm the one that set this arbitrary standard on myself
>drive over to her place
>pick her up
>eat out somewhere
>buy her a gift
>kiss and cuddles
>drive her home
on avg, I spend like $100 - $150 on every date and we went out like 4-5 times last month
>inb4 that's not a lot
I know! That's what's fucking me over!
I can't afford $750/month on her!

I've been meaning to get a 2nd job but I'm already working 70-80 hours a week

>>43769353
its posts like this that make me feel validated in my "never trust anyone" schizoid mentality

>>43769400
Unironically the end result is basically pseudo schizoism. I loathe, dread interacting with people nowadays - companionship feels burdensome, shallow, meaningless. I don't trust anyone; it all feels fake, society is fake, people are fake. It's all a facade. I find it better to keep to myself, like I'm used to it and don't want to disturb that.
The only person I speak to outside here is my mother and even that's shallow. I'd unironically say I were if it weren't for the fact I still *desire* social interaction, like with a special somebody, and care for others opinions of me, because I'm fucking weird and 'eccentric' and everything else that fits the schizoid bill otherwise.

>>43769353
some won't overcome their past biases and trauma, leading to them never being close or honest
>>43769547
Part of being human is being simple, secretive and fearful
then another is needing reassurance, companionship and familiarity
Recognizing that the facade that most wear is their projection, hiding vulnerability
because it's hard to show the vulnerability, and because it is, it's even harder for those who are vulnerable to have meaningful relationships
I think there's still people, though rare, you could find that would be honest as you are with them and wouldn't be shallow or burdensome
>>43769382
You set the expectations too high, but did you try talking to her before just calling things off?
$750 is a lot especially you working 70+ hours a week, idk if a second job is better than just a better job but idk
Sorry the relationship didn't work, take more care of yourself and be honest with who you meet, if they stay they're a better person for you

>>43759300
as long as you look for the right singns you're safe to move onto someone else sis

make sure the guy you met has patience for your feelings on his own
you're not a chore
you deserve a loving partner