>>43776815
i have these horrible, horrible nerve twinges where if i get anxious enough a itch will occur all over my body and when i scratch or rub or subdue it in any way it will move to nearby skin. thankfully, im on anxiety meds, but my stupid tranny incompetent self doesnt take them regularly enough. i do take my hrt regularly though thankfully.

my bf's mom's dad is dying and she just showed up at our house one day like a week ago with her dog and hasn't left except to go to the hospital and her dog takes big stinky shits in my yard and she just sits there smoking "great country" brand cigarettes and ignores her dog shitting

>>43777044
>my bf's mom's dad
damn nigga just say your boyfriends grandfather

retarded & cant get hired anywhere
kept putting off registering for classes & now i cant & they start tomorrow so im basically stuck inside until they open in august
outside of occasionally leaving for food/to help my mom i barely talk to anyone & my social skills (which were already shit) have degraded even more (now i think i might have agoraphobia)
idk how to fix this because im also forced to stay inside because of her paranoia & im shit at talking to people
its been like this every day since the year started im tired honestly
at least i was able to start estrogen but still

>>43776815
want pooner to be my bf but he taken

>>43777112
he doesn't consider him a grandfather, and they didn't have a relationship when my bf was a kid, even though they lived a few miles from each other. he refers to him as "my mom's dad" or by his given name

>>43776977
Do you keep yours anxiety meds in the same spot as your hrt? Or have you talked about fast acting so you can carry them around and take one when you start to feel anxious? Sorry you get these nerve twinges, glad u can take hrt regularly
>>43777044
That's an awkward situation, idk if it's better to just wait until she leaves or confront her before her dad dies. Either way this is a volatile situation desu since it's your bf's mom. I hate to say it but if it's temporary it might be better to suffer in silence until she leaves, unless it becomes over a month or something
>>43777121
Good job on starting estrogen, have you been able to socialize online at all? If you could make friends with people who touch grass they might be able to help. Since you missed registration try your best to fill time, calisthenics, walks outside slowly increasing area, new hobby, something like that for the time being.
>>43777137
Sucks :/
Maybe u can find different ftm to be bf? Or someone else in general?

>>43776815
my uncle killed himself last week, my mom is likely going to die soon, im too tall to be a woman

>>43776977
hot
>>43777044
>>43777137
gross
>>43777121
sad

>>43777189
>That's an awkward situation, idk if it's better to just wait until she leaves or confront her before her dad dies. Either way this is a volatile situation desu since it's your bf's mom. I hate to say it but if it's temporary it might be better to suffer in silence until she leaves, unless it becomes over a month or something
thanks but i'm resolved to make the best of it bc, as you say, her dad is dying. i'm just venting

>>43776815
Euphoria season 3 was a MASSIVE disappointment to everyone who actually watched, and I was one of them.
Not only was Jules barely in it, but the parts she was in felt like the trailer to the show I actually wanted to watch.

The rumours about how she was going to commit suicide in the last episode gave me a new type of anxiety, because I couldn't get the image of the chudmeme still being in circulation in ten years time being used by people who didn't even know it was from Euphoria and certainly didn't watch the show.

Thankfully that didn't happen, and I spent the last few days venting my frustration about it on /tv/ and I'm actually over it. The end state of franchise related trauma is apathy towards the franchise, and I guess I'd been through it enough that I knew how to deal with it and got through it in record time.

It hurt me, but I got over it, and I've learned not to trust the people responsible with my emotions again.

>>43776815
i feel unable to act on most of the things that i want

>>43777233
imagine caring this much about a sloppa tv show

>>43777343
I like to invest in things, I don't appologize for that. And season 1 was kino.
The point is that I've now stopped caring. This thing took my care and abused it, I gave myself appropriate space to express my feelings about that, but now I've accepted that what happened happened and have let go.

I think I'm being very mature and healthy to be honest.

>>43777211
>hot
if it were a woman causing them itd be hot but im really just a moid in denial so its not

>>43777366
its immature to have your emotions impacted by a fictional tv show

>>43777208
I'm really sorry to hear anon, how are you holding up about them both? Are you able and wanting to spend time with your mom right now?
>>43777233
Never watched it, but glad they didn't make the trans character commit
I'm glad you're able to have let go and get over it. It's good to protect oneself
>>43777334
Executive dysfunction or anxiety? Either way or something else, sorry to hear
I hope you're able accomplish some goals
>>43777343
Please don't

>>43777379
no, its hot that there is this boymoder that gets itchy when she is anxious. imagine you make them embarrassed and they start itchng. its also cute that they literally have meds to solve it but they are too girl failure to take them.

>>43777400
No it's not. The point to art is to affect our emotions.
It would be weird if you had your emotions affected by a non-fictonal TV show.
>>43777404
>I'm glad you're able to have let go and get over it. It's good to protect oneself
Thanks for saying.

>>43777423
yea while ur watching it, not ruining your day becuase hoglomble didnt kiss bedrgggle in season 8 episode 67 of homisho world amica society

>>43777456
Did you have a stroke halfway through that post?

>>43776815
why cant the girls i like ever like me back? why do I fumble everything thst comes into my hands? why is my life ruined? why am i broken like this?

i wish she had never tried to get back with me. i did a lot, pathetically, so that I cld get back w her, and then she just dumps me again.

am I just disposable? am i doomed to be window dressing in other people's lives?

i hate it

>>43777412
you might find it cute i find it very painful. but thank you.

>>43776815
I wish you could stop being the worms in my head.

I know there probably isn't a day gone by where you've had those memories of us that I tried so desperately to destroy. I was never the person you deserved. But I tried to be, I really did try.

I'll never reach out to you, I don't deserve that.
I've learnt that running away from people and situations isn't healing me, it was rotting me away from the inside. I'm sorry I figured that out far too late for us.

One day I'll open my eyes and you won't be the first thought that comes to my mind.
Until then know that I'm rooting for you, every single day.

of<3

>>43777412
also you say "imagine you make them" like im not there... girl pouts

>>43777404
>Executive dysfunction or anxiety?
umm idk no it’s just everything feels wrong and like it’ll never be right anyways and i can’t stand to see myself fully or be anything because when i am a person it’s so abhorrent wrong that not being a person until i can exist in the right way is less painful

>>43776815
I told this guy online that I liked him and now we've been talking frequently, thing is I met him on here so I'm in an online dating thing where he's showing some interest back and now I'm just confused

Did I fuck up? We both have identifying knowledge on the other now

why did you break me? was it fun?

>>43777576
It was kinda hot ya. Hope your assholes healing up ok

>>43777464
You're not disposable, you're two broken people and I'm sorry she came back just to hurt you again anon. I hope you can find a nice girl that loves you as you love her
>>43777490
That's painful, I'm glad you're growing though, It's good to not reach out in aspects like this. It shows actual change to wish well without needing 'closure' and realizing one day it will be a faded memory
>>43777529
I hope you recognize yourself as a person, even if you feel it's wrong. you're a complex person that feels a large disconnect, but I wish you well
>>43777573
Assuming both sides of the info are true? I mean less likely to be bad or end terribly. If it becomes full online dating wish u luck nona
>>43777576
Sorry you've been hurt anon

Sorry to derail the thread a bit with myself
I feel miserable, I'm so scared and anxious, I can't function in day to day unless I throw myself into work
I walked out to a common area, filled water and saw three random people
Go back to my room and instantly start to cry, they're probably making fun of me. I'm an embarrassment to be around and to see, everyone hates me and I know they all speak about me when I leave rooms. It's just my punishment, it's because I'm not good
Anyways I'm sorry I don't want to take away from others real problems, I just need to accept it

>>43777605
Please don't joke about their pain :(

>>43777707
You are a girl.
Not a freak, not a weirdo, just a girl.
What you're experiencing is something every girl goes through with body image and trying to fit into society making you a completely normal and utterly ordinary girl.

>>43777707
aw that’s really sad. you don’t deserve to feel like that, you seem like a really kind person :(

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i will never pass, it doesn't matter what I do. I'm 6'3 and there's no coming back from that. every other tranny i see has at least a single feature that gives them some hope about transitioning, I have such bad luck my friends just tell me they're sorry for me and wish it wasn't like this.

also i need to look for colleges i could transfer to, im so sick of my 3k person 91% acceptance rate. budget shitter.

>>43777707
pls don’t apologize, this is a real problem and you deserve support just as much as anyone else. that sounds like an exhausting way to live. i rly hope that you are able to get out of this mind prison ur in. you seem like a very pleasant person that deserves a life free from that misery.

>>43777673
I'm pretty sure he's being truthful, I have my reasons for it but I do know I was being honest, I like his personality but I'm scared to know what his actual face looks like, we've seen each other hair and it's just I'm terrified that he'll look like some troglodyte when I was the one who approached, it's been like a week so things are taking time but like I don't know if I'm making a mistake or not, I'm a complete virgin to this, never even kissed someone before so idk how to feel, he's a couple of years older too

>>43777707
I doubt people hate you. You are whatever you are. Maybe they found you slightly interesting for a moment, maybe they hardly noticed you at all. You seem very kind. You’re doing just fine

>>43777723
>>43777736
>>43777808
>>43777861
I didn't really mean in a 'im such a non-passing ugly hon way' it's hard to explain, but I'm ok, I just need to calm down and go back to acceptance
it's just like i'm in a personalized hell, this life is just my punishment for hurting others, I feel like I keep sounding schizophrenic lately but i promise im not

>>43777745
I'm really sorry if your friends just say sorry, I doing know what you look like obviously, so I can only really do well wishes too, ironically now having to say sorry for that
I hope you can transfer into a nice college, i'm not sure if it matters so much the college you go to but if the current place doesn't offer your degree then good to transfer, good luck on being accepted

I really miss my ex and I still love her but I can’t go back

>>43777888
ty puffin <3. its not like im ugly or disfigured or anything, I just am very masculine. and anythings better than this shithole, im just in a weird position applying for places bc my hs gpa was like 2.7 and my freshman year gpa is 3.65. i guess i just need to do really well this up coming year.

>>43777875
There’s meaning in what you’re saying. Sometimes we spit out language to try and approximately capture our emotional states and other internal story telling. It sounds like you’re distressed and might be prone to negative narration of your life. Whether or not the things you worry about are true isn’t super important right now. Just focus on fixing the root cause, your emotions. I hope you feel better, perhaps allow yourself to enjoy a nice snack and an activity that calms you. A hot shower or a funny youtube video perhaps. You’re not alone and myself and others in this thread are here to comiserate if you like

>>43777189
lol funny enough its so bad i cant even talk to people online anymore
i usually lurk in discords that i find when i use it every blue moon
i would love to walk around my area but i live in a car dependent area & i cant drive (licensed, no car) but ive been exercising and its a little helpful
i do need new things to do because ive been doing the exact same shit every day for like the past 2 months now i think
>>43777707
(this is so real) but also that sad that you feel like this you seem nice

>>43777929
don't. don't. don't. don't. don't

idk i like using this as journals to the void

im very conflicted and just feel kinda unease. idk why specifically its a bunch of different things. i think i need to talk to someone irl. just about being you know trans and starting hrt. im gonna see my friend tmrw but im probly not gonna say anything. idk i kinda dont want to say anything until somoene askes even tho it would be really rude to ask ya know. im never gonna male fail so if i just wait until someone asks why i look so weird lately then i can know its objectively working.

im also worried about my dose even tho its on the high side and everything is in order because im blocked from getting blood tests by expense atm since the labs are far awy even tho i could just do it i dont want to spend that much and im really ocd about money \\

im also like really conflicted about being exposed or outed like i dont wanna but then i also have to like mask and act normal and i just wanna not have to fake it at least sometimes around some people or to be able to commiserate irl w someone who has a common experience. i had an opportunity today to maybe even ambigiously get an ally without outright saying it to someone presumably visably out or at least visably queer and a trans ally but i kinda just immediately reverted to default moid behavior as a defense mechanism and pretended like i didnt see the thing that i think they think i saw that i very obviously saw to throw them off which definitely didnt work and oh god im so gay i wanna die

>>43778128
i also have absolutely no idea how to navigate these situations in semiprofessional and/or casual environments with people you dont know and so i refuse to say anything first because i know i am a brain wormed idiot who will offend someone


i just know i would be horrified if someone, for example, asked my pronouns because there is absolutely no good answer to that when you are a moder and you have to answer immediately because not doing so is secretly an answer and everyone knows what it means

>>43777929
It's ok to miss her, and understandable to still love them if they're the one who broke things off or you did and feel regret. It's important though, you need to heal past them. I hope you can find time and space to heal and move on, eventually finding someone new
>>43777930
3.65 is good! your hs gpa shouldn't matter as much now that you'd be a transfer, continue doing well and congrats on your improvement from hs to now
>>43777963
I try to calm myself down, I can just go through waves of really bad paranoia. It's on and off for a few hours usually, so i'm sorry if i go off being weird again, but thank y'all and i'm taking care
>>43777987
I used to live in a heavily car distracting area so i'm sure, they suck.. I'm glad exercise has been helping a little bit, and lurking is better than nothing really along with random check-ins
It's not prime socialization, but I hope you can slowly work up your way

>>43776815
i opened up a bit more to my psychiatrist and she said there were meds to help me deal with that, but she was really vague about it and then i went home and they were for schizophrenia
fml

>>43778171
meant to say car dependent
>>43778258
Your psychiatrist really shouldn't be vague, you wouldn't go to the ER with a broken arm and have the doctor vaguely recommend chemo
They could be for something else to maybe, off-label? Unless they're only ever used for schizophrenia and nothing else, you'd have to ask psych
sorry they're being vague about it

>>43776815
Moved to a new country and got no friends cuz everyone speaks weird. Not that big of a deal but kind of maddening day in and day out. At least the weather is getting better

someone i love has been really busy and depressed lately and we have not been talking very much, if at all. when we do talk i feel as though my words are vacuous and jejune, even when we have more normal conversations. i want to help her but i don't know how; she always tells me that i can't.
i think that she is overworking herself. she has not been accomplishing much lately, or as much as she would like to, and attributes this to the depression, which she attributes to the work. i want to ask her whether it might help to take breaks, or maybe talk a little at the beginning or end of every day; we have not spoken very much recently and, selfishly, this also makes me sad. i want to talk to her, and i want her to be happy, or at least more functional. i wish i could sit by her and cook her meals and provide love all day. i want to support her but i don't know how. i worry that even by asking i am doing too much. i worry that i am making things worse by not leaving her alone. i have to believe that this is not true, but i have never been any good at helping. i have no doubt that she will overcome, but i wish she did not suffer so.

Executive dysfunction and depression.
Getting better ig.

>>43778416
i looked into the medication further, theres really no reason i would benefit from it otherwise.
my conversation with her also fits in with schizophrenia now that i learned more about symptoms
i will ask her next time. just trying to accept it atp

>>43777121
Do you play any video games?

>>43778873
>vacuous and jejune,
Really cute words!

>>43776815
not a tranny but gay
this guy I've been hooking up with lately, he really wants to fuck me and also wants me to fuck him, but he refuses to wear a condom and doesn't want me to wear one either, so I keep refusing him. He said he was allergic to latex, but I know that's a lie because he literally wears latex gloves at work. Not nitril or vinyl, but latex.
Just wear a fucking rubber god damn. This guy is constantly talking about how he hooks up with random trannies he meets online and says he's never been tested for STDs so I seriously doubt he's clean. I won't even suck him off unless I know that he's clean. I guess not much of a loss since his cock is only like 5 inches and kinda curved upwards, and he also never shaves his pubes so the whole area around his cock is just nasty to look at.

Just bothers me that he's so opposed to wearing a rubber. Makes me think he's one of those guys who likes to infect other people with their shit so they can spread it around.

>>43779373
i don't know whether i should read this post as sincere or sarcastic lol...i do like them but i think "cute" is not the adjective i think i would have settled on. though i suppose jejune is kind of a cute word :)

I wish i were a cute incel female but sadly i'm just cisgender and male

>>43778821
Good the weather's improving. Hopefully able to understand everyone soon enough so you can make friends
>>43778873
You can't directly help her if she says ugly can't, but you can do your best in supporting her. Give her patience and let her know you think of her every once in a while. I'm sorry she suffers, try to stick by her best you can as that's how to help
>>43778982
Good luck improving and getting better, hope it continues to do so
>>43779059
I'm sorry anon, good luck with acceptance and asking her more

>>43779429
Lying about allergy to latex, said he fucks random trannies, never tested, verse
Yeah.. I'd just label him a bug spreader confirmed or not and avoid him
>>43779689
why specifically incel? I'm not gonna state that obvious tho, good luck with whatever choice you have or are
Actually cis, rep, cis on hrt, etc

I’m a while out of a relationship which I can’t seem to get over. I feel like I poured my soul into it and tried so hard only for her to shut it all down and throw me away. Which hurts so much more because I know it was something she’d said she’d been wanting for years. She wasn’t even a good girlfriend, easily the worst I’ve ever had, but for some reason trying so hard only to be treated like shit and then dumped with only shitty vague excuses makes it hurt so much more. The whole thing has left me extremely bitter, and I don’t even know how to feel less angry. I struggle with dating other women now because it feels unfair to try date them seriously when I know I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to treat them as well as I did my ex, and a large part of me is terrified of getting attached to anyone. I just feel stuck in my own bitterness and I don’t know how to fix it.

I need to stop looking for a relationship, I have a lot of love and care to give to one person and one person only, but there's an ever-present isolation I suffer that causes me to really jump the gun and spill my guts out to the nearest person who shows any kind of enjoyment when talking to me or being in my presence, probably in hopes that if they know what I am like upfront, see how emotional I can be, they can make their decision sooner rather than later.
I'm a terribly, terribly lonely man. And the results of that cause me to ruin what might otherwise have been beneficial friendships.
The girl I am intermittently talking to currently may very well see this post, but I think it's worth making anyway.

>>43779940
It hurts because of that effort you put in, you're stuck on feeling you did so much for it to end anyways.
There's not an easy fix or anything, part of that bitterness comes from comparing future imagined relationships against your old one, comparing other women to her. She was the worst girlfriend you had, instead if would reason every one after has a better chance of being the next best girlfriend you ever had. Be selective when dating if you start again, but take the time to heal and reflect on her issues in the relationship, not yours. You can bring that same energy to someone else, and not be hurt
>>43779949
Might be, but I think it's understandable here. You can't spill out your guts with honesty, as it's seen as weakness and overeager for someone to help fix/cure you. Relationships are organic and move at their own pace, by trying to force connection by sharing it all up front, you ruin any of the mystery and learning you two could have spent over hours, weeks or years talking together
You prevent finding a shallow relationship this way, but a good one too

>>43776815
i missed my dermatology and electrolysis appointments today bc i slept in.

everyone who i tell my problems to treats me like im hysterical even though im really chill and if theyre family they try to force me to confront 15 different problems at once

>>43781354
Sorry you missed them, can you reschedule without no-show fees or anything?
What problems do you share that has others thinking you're hysterical?

>>43779949
>I have a lot of love and care to give to one person and one person only, but there's an ever-present isolation I suffer that causes me to really jump the gun and spill my guts out to the nearest person who shows any kind of enjoyment when talking to me or being in my presence, probably in hopes that if they know what I am like upfront, see how emotional I can be, they can make their decision sooner rather than later.
yeah same. i just fall in love with anyone who talks to me

>>43780720
>You prevent finding a shallow relationship this way, but a good one too
It truly is quite the predicament, though on a good note, I've not yet spilled my entire life story out, and have only really shown my hand as being fairly emotional with the girl I'm talking to.
I caught myself early enough to not completely nuke my chances, though there are other factors altogether that make anything in the way of a relationship very, very unlikely to form, so I've stopped holding my breath and will simply see how things go.
>>43783860
>i just fall in love with anyone who talks to me
I probably should've phrased it better, it's not just anyone who speaks to me, but rather the rare person I find on occasion whom I feel is like-minded (and cute)
But I understand your plight entirely, I'm sorry Anon

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>>43776815
this week has been utter shit. i'm crashing out, and frankly if one more thing fucks up im probably deepthroating the end of a handgun.
Started vomiting amid panic attacks so yay.

My rapist (like 3 years ago) is about to become my boss and theres nothing i can do about it.

And Just when that happens, I get dumped/break up with my now ex-fiancee because he made the decision to move across the country despite knowing i wouldnt go with him, and saying that he wanted to pursue poly or open shit there. His doctor upped is fucking Benzo's cause of his anxiety (about going to work) and shit and i swear to god, He will be unemployed within 2 months i swear to god. Why the fuck did i even agree to get engaged in the first place why am i this retarded.

>>43784160
That is good, I hope despite your assumptions a relationship shall form with ease when you find someone right
>>43784379
I'm really sorry.. I don't think you're retarded btw, you probably were in love or felt in love, so decided to try and make things lasting
As for the rapist..jesus thats awful, your workplace just doesnt care theyre hiring him? wtf

My ex was my best friend before we dated, but he was a piece of shit who raped me and cheated on me during our relationship. Now I'm in the perfect relationship with a woman I love more than anything but I can't escape the endless empty feeling of not having him in my life anymore. I don't love him romantically. I wouldn't take him back if he begged. I guess I just miss my best friend, even if he hurt me a lot

>>43779277
yeah but ive been playing the same games since like march (ready or not, gta, tf2)
im trying to get back into playing single player games/games from my childhood cause its gotten stale atp
if you have any recommendations id appreciate it

>>43784667
he's worked here for longer than i, it happened at a work training thing

>>43784795
You miss what was, not what happened
The idea of the best friend that was before any of the other stuff
It's like grief, you need to let yourself grieve not him, but the person you used to think he was

>>43785240
Did nothing come of it? Either way reported or not, im sorry this is awful

Part of me hates seeing you with her knowing she's getting what I used to get from you and honestly probably more, but another part of me is angry and sick to the pit of my stomach knowing that you probably didn't learn anything from me and will chew her up and spit her out and leave her broken and with a hole in her heart once you're done with her just like you did to me and she has no idea that it's coming.