I don't really know how or when to start this. The tl;dr was that in 2014 I was a 19 year old high school drop out shut-in and trooned out to be with my then online boyfriend. That fell through and I pretty quickly moved in with the guy I'm now married to. I'm not really trans, I never felt like "I'm a girl on the inside" or anything, just that things would be easier if I were one. That my worst qualities would be more tolerable or even attractive, that people would be nicer to me or take care of me, and I was right I guess. I don't think someone would have been willing to take care of even tolerate me if I hadn't trooned out, but my husband is inexplicably happy to have a useless autist play games in his house all day.Getting older now(30) though and I kinda regret not having lived a normal life, but feel like I missed the boat on it. It's just lonely I guess. I'm estranged from my family and don't have any friends because my husband gets jealous of men and I can't relate to or share interests with women. Feel like even if I wanted to start over I couldn't. I've never worked a job, or driven a car, or paid taxes or a bill. I'm an adult child with no concept of how anything actually works, I don't even leave the house on my own.Kinda regret the whole trooning thing too, feel disassociated most of the time but feel dysphoric in both directions when I'm not. My body feels like someone else's when I actually see it, but mostly I just hate feeling like a freak. I always man-mode but live in a very progressive area and still get clocked as a tranny usually. Feel like I'd have much less anxiety just being a normal guy but that would blow up my relationship and trying to present as a woman feels super cringe/inauthentic. Going to get some surgeries finally soon as they're covered by insurance but afraid I'll just regret those too.
