hi nonado you ever have suicidal thoughts? what do you do about them? ive been feeling so fucking hopeless lately.I was on this site for years and got close to attempting but then i got a bf and he forced me off here and for a bit i was a total hopemoder. but i just graduated and idk nothing feels worse living for right now. I am absolutely discusted with my body. I really liked my body around the 2 year mark but I started to get fat and now, that I'm approaching 4 years, I cant stand to look at myself again. I fumbled everything. My rib cage and shoulders are huge, my upper body is so hulking. I got my graudation photos back and I literally look like a giant. Like a fucking ape. In a dress. its ridiculous, its humiating. Im not pretty or not. I will never get a job I enjoy or respects me (or really any job at all, art degree bleh). I don't want to doom but I just feel so fucking hopeless. ive been apologizing to everyone around me constantly. i feel like such a burden and waste of space. everyone does so much for me and i cant do anything. i take advantage of everyone. i use eveeryone. im actually horrible and idk why anyone likes me.I ghosted my mom last week because I realized shes been sabotaging my life ever since the second I came out to her. I hate her. I think I hate everyone. I just sit here and listen to SALEM and think about how much the world fucking sucks and I cant wait to live to see it crumble.i have a plan for suicide, but it requires me waiting a few months for the corn fields around me to grow tall enough to conceal me. I want to do it in a corn field so I'm not found for awhile. I want this badly.How would you cope in my situation? would you do it? should i? should I keep pushing? I dont know. Sorry for blogpost. just venting. I need help.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uq3cF8DnraQ&list=RDYrsuhVIpN6U&index=3And I've got miles and miles to goBefore the falling of the sunAnd I'll be leaving soonBefore the rising of the moon
You shouldn't do it. Never. You're in an unfortunate spot now, but you were a total hopemoder not that long ago. Do you seriously think nothing will change? Of course they will, as long as you steer things ever so slightly your situation will change.
>>43842166these people are more often than not lying to you. it doesnt actually get better, you just get better at taking it. or you die. very unfortunate situation but its life ig
>>43842092if you ever want to talk, let me know.i'll share a bit about my experience and then hope its helpful. ive been in a similar-ish experience, except i never got to graduate, i had to drop out of college because of how bad my mental health was so bad (failed literally an entire semester senior year and now have to wait another year for a class that only happens in the spring semester). i was really close to doing it a month ago. i had lost my girlfriend in january, lost all my long term friends from transitioning, and was about to lose my mom because she's ultra religious. everything was really, really awful. but i had people to talk to, thank god. i tried to escape them but i couldnt, they kept me grounded and talking and i confessed in them that i didnt think things would work out. and frankly, they still havent. but they gave me a chance to physically hang out, to talk to people, to make jokes and be a human even for just one night. it doesnt solve everything, but it lets you have something, and realize that things can be good, things can change for the better. these things are not built in stone and its not failure, or over, or finished till you give up. in my opinion, this life youre living is worth pushing through to see you love it
>>43842166>but you were a total hopemoder not that long ago. Do you seriously think nothing will change?i mean i know rationally this to be true. i know suicide is fucking retarded. I was incredibly anti suicide for awhile. i mean i still am? it feels like im one of those people who like preaches anti-gay shit but in the closet is a grindr menace. i need to practice what i preach type shit.idk. its all just creeping back. i got my grad photos back and its really really just pushing me to be like, what was this all for? what was it all for? yk?
>>43842092>do u ever have suicidal thoughtsyep all the time. but I can never act on them. if I do, then my family wins, burying me in a suit while they tell everyone I knew about how right they were and how I was suckered by some internet death cult.Even though I'm a freak, no matter how bad the suffering gets, no matter how lonely or wretched I am, I'm in this bitch for the long haul. I intend to live forever.
>>43842219obv shit isnt getting better, your an hrt femboy. im not listening to anything an hrt femboy has to say, i am sorry.>>43842227thanks for this, i appreciate it.i am surrounded by ppl. im in someones bed right now. ive had a friend over at my place for a couple days and we did a day trip around our state and took photos and stuff. like i am literally surrounded by fucking poeple but i feel so alone. like. i feel guilty. for having these people around me. buying me things, cleaning my house, cooking me food, driving me, etc. people do so fucking much for me and i just feel like im taking advantage. what am i giving back to them to make it worth their time? my old roommate always said that i view things too transactionally, because my mom taught me that way. that not everything is a transaction, a "i give you this, you give me that" exchange. people can just be nice. but im so tired of taking advantage of people's niceness! i want to do things myself and stand on my own. but i really fucking cant. i try to do that and i just crumble.
God, if they ever take my estrogen, it won’t be good. The estrogen has kept the aggression and anger away. Sadness is still there but so think I just need to get on powerful anti depressant or mood stabilizers to numb me the fuck out. I just want to be a droid that exists and works. I just want to do my autistic hobbies in peace.
>>43842259my hrt has been super unstable for close to a year because of my afformentioned mother's sabotage. it sucks. i was looking ok and has lasered away all my facial hair but she fucked with my healthcare and now my facial hair is back in a really bad way. i have male libido again, i have all of this shit that i thought i was done with. its so fucking cruel and its all her.
>>43842092I have suicidal thoughts every single day of my life and I do jack shit about them because I realized years ago that, as much as I want to die, I haven’t got the guts to do it.
>>43842250in my defense i switch flags all the time, im also a boymoder, a manmoder, an hrtrepper, and a gigahon. tho im a very broken person and wrote an overly doomer message so not listening to me is super valid dw
>>43842250i personally think that it is helpful to learn to stand by yourself once in a while, but its better to stand with people. makes it easier, especially if youre prone to crumbling like you and me. relationships arent transactional, as they keep telling you. but that's not helpful to hear. but it's true, and until you can internalize that, you will always kind of resent your friends and feel awful about yourself. youre a social animal who is just really trying hard to prove that they dont need anyone else. have you ever considered that maybe the things that make it worth their time is you just existing? that you yourself are worth doing things for? would you not do the same for those same friends if the situation was reversed? i know i would
>>43842234>I do, then my family wins, burying me in a suit while they tell everyone I knew about how right they were and how I was suckered by some internet death cult.you are so fucking right. half my family is supportive so idk if the suit would happen but my mother gets final say and yea idk. i would probably get a closed casket though so does it matter?>not listening to me is super valid dwthx for ur honestly lol i will not listen to you, i want to believe things can get better.>>43842277this is great advice, thank you.>have you ever considered that maybe the things that make it worth their time is you just existing?ive been told this but it feels like cope. it could be real though.
>>43842354>but it feels like copenona it feels like a cope to me too, but people who i would do anything for have said these exact same things that you and i have said. so statistically, there has to be someone that feels that way about you
>>43842364IGNORE THE FLARE I WAS LARPING OMFG. im gonna rope
>>43842367.....larp larp lap sahur...
going to bed i think. feel free to say stuff while im asleep if anyone coming into the thread after this post wants. i think i feel a little better. idk. i really need healthcare and a job i dont hate. that would be so fucking awesome.
>>43842396>>43842444gn nona. i hope you keep going to see things get better
>>43842466thanks, you too.also want to add that i want to be more grateful. i should, be more grateful. i had a firearms training class today and there was an older pre-transition trans lady in my class and i had lunch with her. i was venting-ish to her about my mom sabotaging my hrt and she told me that her doctor basically told her that since she has joint hypermobility, she can't get on hrt. Her fingers/toes/etc already pop out of their joints crazy easy, and since estrogen weakens connective tissue, it would only make things worse, like way worse, so she made the choice to never go on hrt. I felt so bad for her. I guess i should be grateful i started at 19 and am able to even be on hrt a little bit. i have my whole life ahead of me. its not fair for some people, she was so sweet its really unfair. always be grateful.
>>43842219It's both. OP is young, has a bf, just graduated, stopped talking to mom recently etc. Things are very dynamic in her life, nothing is set in stone. This alone will make her feel differently as things rapidly change. Suicide is retarded, but maybe doubly retarded in a situation like this.Then there aspects here (with regards to herself) that she will just have to learn to accept, or put in whatever work to get it fixed. Everyone copes, this is life.
>>43842537I cannot experience any of those middle things between life
>>43842541who knew doctor chud would be profound
>>43842092I've been on that edge many times.I still deal with lots of mental bullshit, but thankfully suicide has not been rising to the top for a very long time.I'd qualify two events for me that helped fortify myself again suicidal conclusionsFirst was experiencing genuine reciprocal empathy. It's hard to come by when it matters most, but I found small acts from others can really add up. In a similar vain, doing small selfless acts has done wonders for me and my world view. If i act with compassion, i make the world kinder in a real sense.The second was when I experienced what i thought was my death. My body shut down against my will, i was all alone and suddenly couldn't talk, move, ended on the floor as my consciousness flickered in and out.There was nothing waiting for me on the other side.I was angry, pissed. That's it? Really? All this bullshit just for me to die without anything after? It's hard to explain but in all of that, i get angry now whenever suicidal thoughts pop up, instead of despair.
>>43842569as my boy lean said, we are born to live. of course nothing comes after.what caused your near-death experience?
>>43842444Life is great, good night
i am anti-anti-suicide
>>43842537gay as fuck. radioactive levels of gaynot even actively suicidal atp but any sort of "life affirming motivational anti-suicide" whatever makes me wanna beat myself to death out of spite. people who write that kinda shit are sore winners
>>43842920>>43842950corny asses
>>43842092Do you still have a bf? If so, you should at least ask him for permission to kys first. I would totally kms but I don't have permission from my gf or my mom (who has power of attorney).
>>43844706>guy listens to yung lean and lil peep feeling he has the right to call anyone else corny
>>43842092>art degreeYep, a bridge or a rope is your only path forward.
>>43842950>sore winnersniggaas just be sayin shit
You just keep living until you die. Your problems are probably all in your head.
>>43842092I have them, not often but sometimes when they come they are there the entire day.Is difficult to deal with them because usually is what makes me stop being functional during the day, but I do the best I can to avoid the thoughts or triggers. My biggest way to try to not commit is basically think of the only person I have in my life supporting me, no matter what happens, she's always there for me and I don't want to give her a reason to cry. She saved me once. I know I can do better, slowly, but better than nothing.Hopefully you can find something or someone that shines light to you, even if it's a small talk I would love to help. You aren't alone, many of us experience the same feeling, even tho it comes from different backgrounds and life paths.Be safe and take care
>>43842092all the time, cant wait to do it since its inevitable for meyou shouldnt do it nona, you sound normal and you can get better
>>43842092Pretty much on a daily basis, only seriously attempted once and I really wish it had succeeded. Only reason I'm still going now is out of a mix of fear and spite.
