>>43867455
do you feel better than you did before?

also youre allowed to be enby nona

>>43867455
Your feeling less dysphoric because you're taking steps towards transitioning like getting on HRT. Of course you're feeling better, you're on the right path and heading in the right direction. Your transition and the path your take is unique to you, pursue it with enough zeal and gusto as you want. There's nothing wrong with taking it slow.

>>43867483
this, I was about to say you might not be explicitly a woman but nonbinary, took me a while to come around to this conclusion myself
the binary in society is crumbling anyway no one knows what it is to be a man or woman and it's all about finding yourself and what makes you the most content

conforming to arbitrary boxes of gender won't help much aside from some experimentation I guess... maybe starting going by another name would be helpful, something maybe more feminine so people get the idea? if you love the effects of hrt there's nothing to regret lol

>>43867483
>do you feel better than you did before?
Besides all the stress of boymoding (esp around parents, currently working towards moving out), I think so, yeah. I mean I would rather die than stop hrt, so I must be feeling better to some extent, even if it's nothing major.

>also youre allowed to be enby nona
I'm aware, and I actually do believe in enbies, but I really don't want to be one. I do hate everything male about me, in spite of being able to appreciate the pragmatic benefits.
Any time anyone suggests that being enby is an option, it actually makes me feel very uneasy because I can't help but interpret it as "you shouldn't be woman" even if I know they never meant it that way

>>43867566
How does the idea of going by "she/they" pronouns make you feel?

>>43867500
Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate feeling even remotely better, but at the same time I feel crippled by this numb comfort. There's no need to rush anything, but I also feel like I'll never make any real progress if I don't force myself to (duh). I also kinda expected that I'd feel much worse boymoding and not just wistful and sometimes uncomfortable

>>43867455
you can feel both ways at the same time without having to resolve them. i think nonbinary people kind of experience it like this as well.

>>43867455
if you want excruciating just go off hrt, ezpz

>>43867549
>took me a while to come around to this conclusion myself
How did you reach this conclusion with any certainty? Currently I do feel kinda enby, but only because I hate being a man and feel like I'll never manage to be a woman.
>maybe starting going by another name would be helpful, something maybe more feminine so people get the idea?
Maybe, but the thought of having an actually feminine name while I'm as masc as I currently am just makes me feel delusional and like a liar. I would definitely not live up to it. Especially compared to my current name, which is genderless

>>43867610
>How does the idea of going by "she/they" pronouns make you feel?
Not the best? I feel like I'd be fine with them, but each time anyone would use they/them pronouns on me, it would most likely bother me, cause they'd just be a reminder of what I'm not

>>43868485
>pronouns
same tbhon

>>43868366
I'd rather resolve them rather than continue to feel this way, even if I'm pretty much lost on where to begin and very afraid I'll realize that this isn't right for me

>>43868407
haha, no.

>>43868530
I wonder how common this is ngl

>>43869216
Why are you afraid? If you realise it isn't for you, just walk the path that is right for you.

>>43869222
I'm afraid because of two main reasons. The simpler (and less substantial one) is just sunk cost fallacy, and the other is the fear that I'll have to conceed and be forced to find a way to cope with being a man. I mean, I've already tried basically everything, so it just ends up feeling more or less akin to a death sentence

>>43869434
If you're afraid of having to be a man, then taking the path that guides you away from being a man and towards being a woman definitely sounds like the right one. It's normal to have doubts, it's fine to have moments that cause you to question whether you made the right decision. I've had those too, and concluded that I did indeed make the right decision.

>>43867566
ta here
>Any time anyone suggests that being enby is an option, it actually makes me feel very uneasy because I can't help but interpret it as "you shouldn't be woman" even if I know they never meant it that way
desu i get that and thats fair as fuck.
because im autistic i think of gender like a soil triangle, right, m, f, and nothing. and whenever somebody says im enby i just pretend they mean between f and nothing. all just more brainworms anyway this probably

anyway sry for that i get it too tbdesu

>>43867455
this is me 100% except manmoder
the only times i actually care are pretty much the same as before everything else. its pretty much exclusively when people use my first name or give me a task that assumes i am physically strong or where my height is a benefit. im not strong and i have always hated my name but i dont mind pronouns really all of them and prefer something like "hey you" and actually find the corpo thing where people use your name repeatedly to create rapport extremely offputting.

>>43867549
>>43867483
do you think that is what it means?

ive actually been thinking that too and told someone else here similar but im really not so sure if it is cope or not. im not in that much of a hurry to figure it out as long as im at least not physically regressing.

>>43867566
i relate very much

>>43869565
>because im autistic i think of gender like a soil triangle, right, m, f, and nothing. and whenever somebody says im enby i just pretend they mean between f and nothing.
that makes a lotof sense to me

>>43868485
>How did you reach this conclusion with any certainty? Currently I do feel kinda enby, but only because I hate being a man and feel like I'll never manage to be a woman.

I started by actually presenting as a woman for a while and getting started with makeup and stuff before I had hrt, I had another year left of college where people also called me by the name I wanted before I made it my legal name and people were generally accepting of me being a woman

I only figured it out again recently, feeling like I could've been just a gnc girl but then after some introspection I realized I didn't have any attachment to gender, like being called a woman or referred to by she/her pronouns didn't really make me feel a particular way. I also noticed I kinda didn't really care if people called me he or they either and I still feel connection to my past where I was a gay femboy as a teen... I still feel "male" aligned but the words man or woman actually feel too strong and I'm just kind of my own thing

the people on this board that talk about eunuchmaxxing are based I think, I'm gonna do that soon probably

>Maybe, but the thought of having an actually feminine name while I'm as masc as I currently am just makes me feel delusional and like a liar. I would definitely not live up to it. Especially compared to my current name, which is genderless

Then don't go by another name lol just like maybe change your style and see how people start treating you after you've been on hrt long enough

File: cats-cats.gif (552 KB, 498x460)

552 KB GIF

>>43869595
> that makes a lotof sense to me
yippeee

>>43869489
I'm still full of doubts, but that's reassuring. Thanks nona

>>43869565
Dw, I know you didn't mean it that way.
Tbh, I feel like being an enby is pretty weird for most who are dysphoric enough to be on hrt. If I were a cis woman, I'd probably be a theyfab, but since I'm not a cis woman, being a woman automatically has a higher priority than being enby, even if I may have been one under different circumstances

>>43869595
I'm glad I'm not alone in this struggle. I'm sorry about you having to manmode tho

>>43869955
I find your second paragraph very relatable, except that I do sometimes mind being called he, and that I have genuinely zero connection to my past self. While I know that he was me, and while we still have a lot in common, he feels like a complete stranger to me

>>43870204
>except that I do sometimes mind being called he, and that I have genuinely zero connection to my past self.

I think that's totally fine, most people aren't like me in this regard and it's cool to distance yourself from being a man as much as possible. I only was able to feel this way after getting comfortable with who I really am after transitioning. I'm kind of weird and being nonbinary and trans is weird like another anon was saying, but I really enjoy things the way they are now. Everyone has their own unique experience with identity I think and it's not always clear. So maybe locking in and trying to be a woman could just help you experiment? Just stop thinking about what you really are for a minute and be like I *need* to be a woman if that's what it takes. I did that and it wasn't exactly amazing for my mental at certain points but Idk not sure what else to suggest or continue being an androgynous in between thing like me and gradually pick more feminine things to wear

>>43870204
>I have genuinely zero connection to my past self. While I know that he was me, and while we still have a lot in common, he feels like a complete stranger to me

I get that.
I feel that there's a period of time where I was actively masking and that I knew who I was and what the mask was, and it's easy to me to refer to that past self as 'she', but there's also another period where I drank my own koolaid and I kind of feel like you do about that... but I make myself also call her 'she', even if she masked so well she even tricked herself.

i started hrt for 8 months many years ago, decided i could never socially transition, i spent the next five years taking e ~3 months out of the year, then repressed for a decade, and now i present as a normal cis male. at this point i like my body and i have realized i can act like a kind adult woman without presenting like one. i have lots of close girlfriends we go out together and cook/bake together and they tell me all about their sex lives, and i'm currently dating a bi cis female who lets me be me. we're all valid. enjoy your time in this state because you can always stop/restart hrt.

>>43870337
>I only was able to feel this way after getting comfortable with who I really am after transitioning
I still have a long road ahead of me when it comes to this. I'm barely over 6 months on hrt
>or continue being an androgynous in between thing like me and gradually pick more feminine things to wear
This is what I intended to do for now, cause I really do not want to rush anything and sour anything by miserably failing. Although I also believe this is cowardly of me, rather than confronting everything head-on.

>>43870512
That's very relatable, except for the fact that I have no memories of "her" at all. I've tried my best to be myself, but I feel like I only ever was the mask I built with no actual identity behind it

>>43870724
Thank you for reminding me that life isn't over no matter what I choose to do to my hormone profile, and I'm happy you've reached a point where you're happy with who you are.
Despite that, I still want to remark that the thought of presenting as a cis man anywhen in the future is pretty much nightmare fuel to me

>>43867455
that’s like saying “alcohol makes me feel great, I don’t get it everyone says it should make me feel like shit!”
it’s an opiate; it may feel comfortable, but it does you more damage long-term by not setting you up for success

>>43869981
this made me think of a thought exercise. like do i only take e because its not t?

what i there was a third hormone? would you take it?

>>43870204
>If I were a cis woman, I'd probably be a theyfab, but since I'm not a cis woman, being a woman automatically has a higher priority than being enby, even if I may have been one under different circumstances
yeah ...

>>43870724
>i started hrt for 8 months many years ago, decided i could never socially transition, i spent the next five years taking e ~3 months out of the year
how did that work? was the decision related? why not just take it and not socially transition? was it always the same 3 months? which ones?
>you can always stop/restart hrt.
yeah but im afraid of being hairy and other things

>>43873921
>third hormone
what are its effects?

>>43873957
idk third geneder effects or somth

File: 1762721225337052.jpg (512 KB, 4160x3120)

512 KB JPG

>modding
You did that on purpose didn't you?

>>43870724
holy psyop

>>43874676
why?

>>43874718
>I discovered I don't need hrt to be happy guys!!!

File: 1758305747847.jpg (131 KB, 640x920)

131 KB JPG

>>43867455
>>43869595
huge picrel vibes

>>43873961
Accidentally tbhon. I wrote modding each time and forgot to remove it in the title

>>43870724
proud of you for beating estrogen addiction

>>43874771
i mean i'm still here after all this time and always consider injecting myself again, so it's also a warning against repressing who you want to become - sorry for sharing my lived experience ig. i think i've just grown enough to realize that all people get older and uglier but we can always share more warmth and kindness with the world, despite what broader society thinks of feminine males.

>>43877549
thanks but holy fuck do i hate testosterone and what looks back at me in the mirror.

>>43867455
you aren't putting in effort to appear female so it's less painful if you're not seen as one, thus you still hold onto hope that there's things you can change or do in the future to change that
on the flip side - when you do everything in your power to pass and it fails, what is there to hope for or to change? it feels worse

>>43877906
desu this

im not on hormones yet because getting T requires excruciatingly performing masculinity to a myriad of medical professionals and hoping you suffer loudly enough to not be deemed a drug dealer/seeker

im out to friends but girlmode at work. I feel like I could come out at work but the one job where I did that I only did it because it was remote work and I was still constantly made uncomfortable by my coworkers. it's easier if I know that they don't know they're misgendering me.

plus people think it's appropriate to use you as an icebreaker about LGBT politics during work hours when you're literally just trying to do your job

>>43878281
>im not on hormones yet because getting T requires excruciatingly performing masculinity to a myriad of medical professionals
yes, and doubly so though tangentially related - it's a humiliation ritual in its own right to be expected to transition socially without HRT (in this case, for the dr's approval)
the same dissonance (of expectation v. reality) that protects the psyche through boy/girlmoding is the same that brings pain when performing in such a way, the difference being found in whether the other party is aware of your true reality
i suppose irl we project expectations for ourselves unto others sometimes (i.e. imagining they have the same standards for us as we do ourselves, which isn't entirely out of the ordinary), so if they know (which is likely if you're socially but not hormonally transitioning yet) then it hurts to imagine what they think
>plus people think it's appropriate to use you as an icebreaker about LGBT politics during work hours when you're literally just trying to do your job
dont even get me started on that shit lmfao
>hello - i support trans but heres all the reasons i disagree with your kind, you should keep it to yourself, also have you had the surgery (id never fuck a trans btw), nice to meet you!

File: femboys_with_vaginas.jpg (27 KB, 679x516)

27 KB JPG

>>43878509
>it's a humiliation ritual in its own right to be expected to transition socially without HRT
yeah. they (doctors, lawmakers, ETC) are quietly hoping you'll rope or give up and detransition if they can just put enough hoops in your way for you to jump through.
my country is supposed to have "informed consent" meaning you just ask the doctor for what you want and after they give you the risks you get it. I would love to meet a single person who has had this experience. (MtF hormones are easier but still require the humiliation ritual with one or more doctors, FtM literally requires you to see private specialists, pay out of pocket, and then you STILL have to perform tragic masculinity to their standards or they accuse you of wanting testosterone to sell it to bodybuilders.)
god fucking forbid I ever make the mistake of telling these people my transition goals are picrelated because I don't want to be stuck with a chode unable to get erect or feel anything from jerking off/sex

>also have you had the surgery (id never fuck a trans btw), nice to meet you!
my friend (MTF) left a job, got offered a shit-hot payrise and came back after starting her transition. same people she'd worked with for like 5+ years are suddenly comfortable asking her about her penis. but the trannies are the degenerate freaks trust trust

>>43867455
Because part of dysphoria is the fear of the future and when you feel like you're on a good trajectory with hormones then it can alleviate some of that. Like you feel like you're doing something about it. Also yeah you can be nb

>>43876271
lol i can see it but im definitely trans(second poster) i just dont know what kind and am not in a rush to put a label on it as long as hrt has stopped the damage

i actually had the opposite issue of most people here for years, i knew i was trans but coped that i didnt have to medically transition because that sounded scary and i was afraid of mythical permanent damage that terfs made up

>>43878700
im in the uk so they tell you like
>you do know transitioning is very hard and comes with many difficulties
while causing those difficulties and making life as hard as possible to live
it's insane gaslighting they put us through, and themselves desu because they clearly see us as just "freaks to be entertained" and not humans with legitimate medical needs
have plenty of insane stories from professionals here but it's all the same, you're just left feeling like a zoo animal or medical specimen in every interaction
>I would love to meet a single person who has had this experience.
cis women in menopause prolly do joj
>god fucking forbid I ever make the mistake of telling these people my transition goals are picrelated because...
also same for trans communities in general right? have found as things get worse with increased scrutiny on transition that the walls are closing in for what's considered "appropriate" wrt. gender expression and transition goals
>I don't want to be stuck with a chode unable to get erect or feel anything from jerking off/sex
yeah and this fucing sucks i wish medicine were to improve lives vs. improve profits
if u were a cissoid it'd be "life ending heart wrenching, im so sorry" but because ur trans it's like "oooaaahh sorry just gotta cope!"
>same people she'd worked with for like 5+ years are suddenly comfortable asking her about her penis
lol i had a similar absence, when i came back i was appointed to advise on trans inclusive policy cuz i was the first trans person to work there, but like what does that even mean just treat me like a normal whuman, i don't need pronouns in email sig
never had any comments like that but people clearly didn't like "what i'd done" with myself lol
outside work it's been open season especially recently though, if not that it's a psych interrogation like "did you ever consider you might just be gay", people are also very comfortable telling me im not a woman in off-handed ways if they know im trans

>>43877650
>i mean i'm still here after all this time and always consider injecting myself again
you answer accusations but not my questions. i really want to know your thought process for deciding this how it worked out for you and details. lots of "cismenonhrt" say they cycle but i dont even consider it because i get extremely triggered from hair chest/arms or male body odor. why did you think continuing hrt and social transition were something that had to happen together? or did you?

obv i would like to and its just cope for being cursed with neverpasser genes but i really do have a healthy relation w coping and have done a lot of mental work over many years. i only truly care if potential partners recognize my gender.

i also think even if im not nb my personal conception of feminitiy is more queer/alt/goth even butch or tomboy and thats why i dont get dysphoric about sundresses. i wouldnt wear one anyway and the just-so movie where the alt girl is accepted by the normies and wears a white dress is blegh and notme

>>43878948
>>43878700
god i am so glad i went diy right away and never talked to a doctor. i had intake at a rehab to get anxiety meds and poured everything out @ them oversharing to the max about my drug history and didnt even slightly pretend to mention gender even once lmao. they gave me like 4 years of some non-abusable shit that i dont even take anymore and i think im about to start picking up shifts and get kicked off poor people insurance. should have had a physical and seen a pc esp since im getting old, and double so since i started hrt, but i didnt know i would at the time, but who cares i feel the best i ever have. what a waste of my time

>>43879046
i was raised to be naive and trust the system like a good little white boy, took time and experience to realize it's all a facade
i started with diy and ended with diy, between then i went private - they ruined my transition and life to an extent, they have less of an idea of what they're doing than the average /hrtgen/ shitposter
>should have had a physical and seen a pc esp since im getting old, and double so since i started hrt
yea even beyond transition healthcare isn't to benefit us either LOL, if you're not rich it's only there when you *really* need it and they've no other choice, you have to be so self directed and fight for care nowadays or else you get nothing
>what a waste of my time
ditto
shame it's so stressful though, i have to go through a lot to 'secure my transition' through diy

>>43879382
>i was raised to be naive and trust the system like a good little white boy, took time and experience to realize it's all a facade
yeah i got the heads up on that early from adhd. they kept giving me shit that didnt work and then it turned out "chemical imbalance" was made up shit to shill drugs that dont even work. i never even had concentration issues it was just misdiagnosed gender dysphoria and depression was a rational result of my domestic environment. they just wanted to numb me into not complaining

>>43879497
the more I learn about adhd the more I realise it's more of a maladjustment to capitalism than anything. in another societal framework adhd people could just be mini sidequest doers but when the economy demands each person have a specialised role that they MUST show up to on time ALWAYS or they starve then some people are just cooked

>>43879557
>the more I learn about adhd the more I realise it's more of a maladjustment to capitalism than anything
that is EXACTLY my point i just dont always bring it up cause channers will freak out. its completely normal to be depressed if you live in an enshittified torture chamber that they make you work to pay to be in

>>43879497
elvanse is the only thing keeping me alive at this point tho so i aint complainin
>>43879557
probably lmfao, it does feel like that

>>43879382
I'm probably a huge pussy for this but I'm too scared to DIY T because if I get caught I'm absolutely fucked. I take an absolutely essential for my brain to function restricted medication that I would definitely get cut off if I got caught with illegal T. It's fucking aids