I wish I had much much worse dysphoria, so that it would force me to stop manmodding and lock in and effortmax. I wish I were actually innately feminine, instead of a freak who can only poorly imitate femininity to the point that it's insulting to any other woman, trans or not.I wish I had a female sense of self, instead of not even being able to call myself human.
>>43909458i love you. let's keep working on transitioning together. you'll find the girl inside of you
>>43909458i genuinely can't stand being this way. I hate it. 10 months HRT and zero progress. My girlfriend says I'm beautiful and that she's really attracted to me, and I know she isn't lying, but I'm so thoroughly disgusted by what I see in the mirror. It's revolting. To everyone else but her, my pathetic reaches into the feminine are a spectacle. If I try to project myself, my misplaced confidence and the tragedy of my fruitless effort are just amusing. it's inescapable. i came out when I was 14. i could have had 6 years of progress by now. i had to wait until I was 20 to start hrt. i have been indelibly mutated by testosterone. it's a fucking nightmare every single day. Do everything you can right now. It never gets better and you never get the time back. Don't become me
>>43909520Thank you, but unfortunately your love is wasted on me. I highly doubt there's anything to be found within me. Wish you all the best in transitioning and blooming into who you truly are tho>>43909564Consciously repping for six years sounds like torture. I'm really sorry you have to live with that.In my case, it took me till twenty to even realize that wanting to be a woman was possible, which made me transition on impulse. I deserve all of my suffering, unlike you, who is suffering unjustly
>>43910007I don't think either of our suffering is justified. We were both born in a terrible world under very unlucky circumstances. I felt like an alien for years and still often do. Alienated from myself and from others, like I'm a parasite that's unfortunately inexorably dependent on its freakish host body. It isn't abnormal to feel like you aren't human when youre going through what we have to experience. Most people look in the mirror and see themselves. We can't do that. Every day is miserable for me but I'm still trying my best to make things slightly better for myself because I know there's work for me to do and people who I can still help in some small way. And a few who would be sad to see me die. This is the only life we get as fucking horrid as it is. I can't tell you what to do with your life and I won't try to give you hopium but this really is the only shot we get . Do with it what you will. I think you'll regret it more later if you don't start doing what you can right now and stick with it . Maybe that's just me projecting though
>>43910378>Most people look in the mirror and see themselvesGenuinely, what does this even mean? When I look in the mirror, I just see the person I know is me, but that's just because that is literally how mirrors work. There is no further sense of "seeing myself", and I can't even imagine what it's "seeing oneself" is supposed to mean
>>43910674when i look in the mirror, i do not get that sense of recognition, that i "see the person I know is me." the thing in the reflection is a stranger to me. i know that is "literally how mirrors work" and that the physical thing i am looking at is the body i inhabit in some sense, this is not some sort of revelation. but it is completely foreign and repulsive to me. it is an enemy to me. i hate that thing that i see. the person i know is me exists as something else i will never be able to look at in the mirror. it is total detachment. physical sensation is extremely muted for me. i scarcely feel any physical pain or pleasure. i have burnt and cut "myself" somewhat severely before without really noticing until someone else pointed it out to me. i've gone for days without eating without feeling particularly physically uncomfortable and usually only eat every other day. i physically feel absolutely nothing out of the ordinary during sex of any kind.
>>43911805That's really extreme dissociation. I'm really sorry you've been unfairly robbed of such a normal part of being human
>>43909458It's a hurdle you have to cross at a certain point, I haven't crossed it myself but even though it's agonizing, you have to work at it slowly. I know this doesn't help but I hope you can find that piece of effort and apply it.
>>43913786Thank you. I wish you will cross that hurdle successfully and gracefully as well
