I obviously started to transition because of dysphoria (at least I hope that it's dysphoria), but I still can't ignore the thought that my quality of life would've been better if I just stayed a man. I have never truly felt like a person or that I even have a proper self, so I've lived most of my life from a purely analytical and pragmatic point of view, which has left me extremely malebrained and with tons of ways to make the most out of being a man, as I didn't even dare to consider any alternative.Now that I'm transitioning though, I'm constantly reassessing my choice to do so through the same pragmatic lens, which is making me go insane. I just can't ignore how much simpler life would've been if I just remained a guy. I feel constantly taunted by it in the worst ways possible. Happiness never was and still never is part of the equation whenever I'm reconsidering my transition though.It's especially frustrating to know that I completely lack any femininity or even the slightest bit of emotional connection with myself so I could just feel that what I'm doing is right for me. Instead I still see my own life through the same detached and analytical pov, as if I'm just a machine that needs to run at max performance.Transitioning is an attempt, possibly my last, at finding happiness within my identity, but since I cannot even conceive of that, my mind just keeps going back to what it knows best, which is being male. I have barely had any good nights sleep since I've started to transition because of that. I desperately wish I could just leave this part of me behind, but it's all I have for now, and it's actively working against me. It makes me cling onto something I know will never make me happy, because it's easier and less risky to remain hollow instead of giving something as fundamentally disruptive as transition.I'm basically constantly panicking about what if this is all I'll ever be. What if I all these worries mean that I'm actually cis?
You have no idea how much I wish I could force you off of estrogen forever.
retard, it’s people like you who are the reason the world is so shit nowadays
>>43914039Why would you want that?>>43914043Why? I'm literally just trying to not kms
you're not cis dumbass. repping is slow suicide. don't do it
>>43914066I'm definitely worrying about being cis, but I'm moreso worried that I just don't have what it takes to be trans. The cards I've been dealt suggest to me that I should just remain a guy, simply because it makes my life easier than the alternative, and as mentioned in the op, happiness isn't part of the equation here (because I don't even know what it means to be happy to be myself)
>>43914191If your trans then your trans, if you are not you are not. Stop being such a fag and do whatever needs to be done, this is never easy for anybody.
>>43914214It's doom posting with the off chance of venting. I'm a hon and I'm going to continue tossing those optics flashbangs every chance I get in public. Life is short. People suck. What else is new.
>>43914214I'm only assuming that I'm trans, but I struggle to believe it, and also fear the possibility that I shouldn't have tried to transition and only will come to regret it. I know it's irrational, but I can't help losing sleep over it
>>43914374Are you more afraid of masculinizing or having man boobs you don't want?
wow its crazy how much this sounds like mei dont have the answers, i still struggle a lot with these thoughts myselfbut ive been transitioning for going on 5 years now and it is clear to me that doing this has made me a more functional personit would be so much easier if the rest of the world didn't seem absolutely bent on convincing us that we are doing something wrong by simply existing as we are, and that programming is rly rly hard to unlearn... i still haven't managedbut i think u know deep down that this is the real u, for better or worseand i dont think that trying to force urself into being something ur not is ever going to be viable long term... its easy to say to urself "if i just do x, if i just learn to live with y" but those things are much easier said than doneand some day ur gonna be looking back on ur life and u will have to answer to urself for the choices u made... when that day comes, none of these ppl who would rather u were some other way are going to be there, their intentions for you are not going to matter one iotaat least that's what i tell myselfu can't be anything other than what u are, u just can't... for better or worse :/
>>43914384I already have boobs, and I don't bother hiding them outside of wearing a somewhat tight bra, so I guess it's probably the former, but I still think about it daily whether I've made a mistake growing breasts on a male torso
>>43914421this tbdesu. if you're dysphoric, you don't have much of a choice
>>43914556How do I know if I'm truly, genuinely dysphoric, and that it's not some whim or scapegoat for another issue or caused by unrelated factors?
Maybe you'd be more of a winner according to the metrics corporate america pushes but your life wouldn't have the magic it does now.
>>43914031get dicked down by a man or get dicked down by a passoid. getting dicked down will make your brain shut up
>>43914031Hi, I don't regret transition for myself because every simulation I run ends with me becoming a worse person and self destructing. It's funny I get treat objectively worse by the people around me but I made the choice that keeps everyone safe. Sometimes the crazy girl inside me tries to pull me towards the idea of making them pay but I know this isn't right too.I hope I find love someday, maybe that would put her at ease.thanks for the post OP
>>43915217>how do i know i truly, genuinely exist, and that it's not some cartesian demon tricking me into thinking the world around me is realthere is no satisfying answer, all u can do is ask urself what hypothesis is more likely
>>43914527i mean worst case you pay a few thousand to have it surgically removed.as opposed to what, having these horrible thoughts and what ifs torturing you forever? we just are what we are, it couldnt have been any different.
>>43914421>but i think u know deep down that this is the real u, for better or worse Sometimes I do, but other times I feel like I'm lying to the whole world and especially myself.When in your transition did you start being more functional?
>>43914031i have come to have these fears as a result of these threads. im very worried about developing 'reverse dysphoria' like a year from now. but i also cant relate at all lmao.i cant even think of a reason i would care even if i detrans, i wouldnt mind the gyno that much and everything else is kinda nice. like im kinda more scared of being forced to detrans?i wonder, how old are you op? i trooned at 35. maybe i am just more sure the alternatives dont work? ive been sleeping great since i started. i a lot of things have improved a lot. how long >>43914191im also definitely not cis im quite sure of that lol. its more the potential permanent social consequences i worry about( i dont rly thinkthey exist)>>43914421it freaks me out how common this is. i think its just a different wording of imposter syndrome tho, which is totes normal
>>43918311>i wonder, how old are you op?I'm only 21, although I started hrt at 19 and stopped multiple times>how long 7 months since I started the last time>like im kinda more scared of being forced to detrans? Me too, although I'm scared that my own psyche will force me to detrans
>>43919195i think it's important that you don't think of your transition as one linear process that has to be done to 100% completion in the 'correct' order, if that makes sense? It sounds like you're setting impossibly high and vague expectations for your transition before you've had time to experiment and just allow yourself to be and feel. Sorry to sound like, super fucking gay. But you should focus on what the next step to feeling incrementally more like yourself is, and be present with that, and see how it feels to just live for right now rather than the future.
