Im finally on estrogen - and life still fucking sucks.Im more unsure of what i want than ever before, especially in terms of gender and my body, but also anything else.Im also more anxious, overthinking and scared about it than in the deepest dregs of pre hrt gender questioning/repping.I see guys and think "idk if i wanna look like that", i see girls and think the same. It feels like the gender envy i thought i had and that made me start this shit is almost entirely gone.I just dont really feel like going on anymore. I was hoping trooning out would help give me like a drive to exist. Instead it made me anxious af about breast growth, but also sometimes just a bit oddly happy abt my body.I go from crying about how i ruined my life by growing tits and how im such a fucking idiot to consider myself a troon for this long. To just casually passing by a mirror, seeing my face looks more fem from the estrogen, and smiling about it involuntarily. Even the tits that im so scared about i sometimes see denting out my tops and it makes me look more fem, and sometimes i think thats fukin great.Hell i malefailed a couple of days ago in public for the first time ever (getting adressed as "ladies/lady") and as much as idk anymore what i actually felt like. Ik for a fact that my first reaction was to just smile immediately and be happy about it for the next 2 minutes.The day after i was back to crying over how stupid and unsure i am if taking E was even a good idea and feeling a bit ominously scared and unsure about my breasts.Completely contradictory bullshit.Meanwhile my drive to be alive is the lowest ever. Nothing is fun or exciting, idk if there are any reasons to stick around anymore.At least while repping i could pretend hrt might fix me. Now i tried, and it didnt. It feels like im out of options to make sense of myself.
>>43914117Embrace the gender bending. Purposely troll normies with your gender representation.
Unfortunately transitioning doesn't fix your life or give you a purpose, that's something you had to find before doing so. There's still time to do it anon.
>>43914150I mean, i know, kinda. Ofc part of me hoped itd get at least a bit better. But ik its not a magic drug that fixes your life.Its just that, i was hoping it was on the path. Like it wouldnt fix me, but it might be necessary to get started on that.Im also not quite upset that im depressed/dont know what to do with myself i think. Im upset that im all of that AND still dont know if HRT is the right call for me despite being on it for almost a year and questioning for years beforehand.Like its stupid how long i can think about and even try this, and STILL dont know.But even that isnt quite the problem, i was depressed and didnt know what to do with myself pre hrt too. And i didnt fully believe HRT would fix it.The problem is that now, on top of that, im anxious as hell about whether or not HRT is a mistake. Like i think and obsess over this prob every other day or so at least, and more like every few hours.And the fact that it seems entirely unresolvable is the worst part. I have moments that scream im a tranny because apparently HRT sometimes makes me like, subconsciously and fundamentally happier with like how i look and appear to others in a way i never had before. While i ALSO get moments that scream at me that im a fucking idiot that is growing tumors on his chest that will have to be removed and i will deeply regret.So like im just about as depressed and hopeless as before. But im also worrying all the time now, half the time thinking the worries are serious and i should stop HRT, and the other half thinking im an idiot and should just shut up and take my pills.Its stupid.
>>43914285I'm 3y on HRT and I get this, I stopped taking it 3 times because of the worries and it always made me feel like shit. I can't tell if it's the right call for you but, from the looks of it, you seem happier on HRT.I'm no therapist but I'm gonna go on a whim and say depression sucks the life out of everything, especially the things you enjoy, silently... So it's hard to notice that some things can be caused by sheer depression, which is probably what's happening to you and your relationship with HRT.You should seek a professional if you already haven't, bonus if it's a sexologist, it's what helped me.
>>43914306> I stopped taking it 3 times because of the worries and it always made me feel like shit.I considered stopping often already desu. But i still havent properly lol. Best i managed was about a week a month ago.Tho at the end i didnt restart cuz it made me feel bad. Tho i did notice stuff like slightly rougher skin, more "active" genitals and slightly different smell i didnt really appreciate. I think i mostly restarted cuz i had another episode of liking a lot how i looked in the mirror (due to hrt effects), including like my breast growth.Which kinda made me go "Ok why am i even bothering to stop if i like this" again lol.> you seem happier on HRT.Yeah a lot of people tell me that XD. Even like my mother and stuff. It sucks that apparently i still cant tell if its true in spite of that.> which is probably what's happening to you and your relationship with HRT.idk, maybe, like its probably part of it. But my anxiety around growing boobs just seems so specific and not like, depression related, that i feel like there may be a genuine concern here. Which sucks, why is the one change im conflicted about the most visible least reversible one :C.> You should seek a professional if you already haven'tTrue, but for lots of reasons (financial, organizational and me just having fuck all motivation to do things) unfortunately harder said than done.Problem is i prob also need someone who knows about trans ppl atp. And there is only like one of those around here that isnt expensive af/complicated to get an appt with. And im already on that waitlist, which is AT LEAST a year long lol.
>>43915018That sucks a lot. Hope you can find the help you need.
i had a lot of anxiety around the boobs, im now mostly used to them, i like it but i hate seeing myself naked. it is uncomfortable.but other people dont see you the way you see yourself. a big part of this is to stop thinking and constantly overanalysing your decisions, okay you dont know whether you should have done this, but you did. this is your life, and you know you wouldnt have been any happier with the alternative. you have to try to live to the fullest way you can, thats the only way ive ever felt good. just do things.
>>43915813>im now mostly used to them, i like it but i hate seeing myself naked. it is uncomfortable.So u are comfortable with them while clothed but not when naked?>big part of this is to stop thinking and constantly overanalysing your decisionsYeah that is a bit part of my problem lol> okay you dont know whether you should have done this, but you did.Yeah, true, but its less about already having done this. Its more about whether or not i should keep going.> you wouldnt have been any happier with the alternative.Idk, yeah maybe. But i might be overthinking shit less/be less anxious.> you have to try to live to the fullest way you can, thats the only way ive ever felt good. just do things.This (taking HRT) is the first time i ever just "did a thing" desu. So far the results are annoyingly mixed. Periods of "yeah sure this kinda makes sense", then ones of "actually this is fucking great, wonderful idea" but also ones of "oh god wtf am i doing/wtf have i done".
>>43914117>I see guys and thinkThere's your problem why would you think anything just go do shit you enjoy. Also didn't you make already this thread like three days ago?
>>43916249> why would you think anything just go do shit you enjoyI dont enjoy basically anything rn tho. So that isnt a great way to figure out what i want or should do.>Also didn't you make already this thread like three days ago?Probably but i keep freaking out about it and this is a nice place to scream into the void lol.Its better than annoying my friends and family that i know for sure are 100% tired of me going over the same issues over and over again lol.
>>43914150this is why repping is the wayrepping gives me purpose
>>43914117wow this is like exactly meI kinda regret taking e tho
hey wb /doubters general/! i have reached the point of being genuinly unsure if i have female presenting nipples, which has given me the new problem of not being entirely sure if i have dysphoria or dysmorphia. do i want to keep going or did i just want male pecs? theyre a little rounder and bounce but they do kinda look borderline cis from head on except smooth. i also started randomly crying and its kind of addictive but not fun. people might be being mean to me or i might be an emotional wreck idk. i keep thinking they are talking behind my back but i might just be paranoid or high. i thought everyone liked me but i think i still give off autism vibes and am a a try hard overachiever teachers pet. and that thing where people like you initially but then over a few weeks you fuck it up by being autist and making them hate you. i think i have to do fake small talk every day even when im tired or they think you are stuck up? it might be some fucking-new-guy thing where im following rules when i dont have to, but they wont tell me because i should "just know" and im making their job harder somehow. i wish people would be direct and communicate instead of bully/haze me with dry sarcasm. im not gonna figure it out from passive aggressive hints :(i also cried thinking about how my future wife might be alone right now and if she is she is as sad as me but the possibility that she feels like me right now makes me so much more sad than just being sad if that makes sense. like i went from sorta crying to sobbing. i think this means i still need to do selfwork and learn to care about myself properly before ill be ready for a relationship and i have a week of back to back double-double shifts coming up and instead of pre-loading with a tolerance break from caffeine and cannabis and rest so everything is at max effect and low dose im just stuffing all the drugs in my mouth to hold back the anxiety. this is gonna suck ass but ill be able to afford bloodwork now
u guys are my friends now this is my fav thread
