I dont want to be male, i dont want to be female, i dont wanna be nb. I will just hate myself no matter what i am.Im just a weird broken brain stuck in a fucked flesh creature that will always feel weird no matter what i do.I used to think it was because i might be trans, and that i may care more about myself if i got to be female. Since no parts of masculinity were important to me and femininity seemed kinda nice and a bit desirable maybe.Now im actually close to a year on HRT and the only thing it did is make me even more confused and simultaneously all my copes are falling apart lol. Nothing i used to enjoy and distract myself with is fun anymore and i have to enter the fukin "work force" which sounds awful too. I cant even jork it or get horny to stave off the misery anymore like i used to cuz of hrt.I have no desires, maybe never had any, i dont feel like a real human. I used to think i wanted to troon out/be female or at least that it might be an improvement. But now im actually on the way to it and its just more confusing.Idk if i want to be a woman, and currently growing breasts is fucking scary cuz its so permanent and visible and maybe uncomfortable(?). But also when i pass by the mirror and my face looks more fem i get happy. Or when i notice that my breasts give me a more feminine shape i often get happy too.No idea if id "press the button" (that magically turns u into a girl). And yet im over half a year on E and for the first time in my life i sometimes like what i look like. Its so fucking stupid.Happiness seems impossible, even now. And idk what to do anymore. I just wanna give up and die finally, clearly im not capable of being a real person, cis or trans or any other kind.
>>43933327Have you socially transitioned?
after a few years you’ll mellow into a comfy nonbinary btw
You sound really bored and kind of like a mamas boy or just a very asexual type of gay archetype Ive seen. My advice is to find other shit to actually care about.
>>43933357Kinda. Everyone im close with (family n friends) knows and is fine with it. But otherwise i kinda plan(ned) on manmoding forever.They do also gender me female, and i weirdly just dont care. Sometimes it stings a lil when they gender me male, but idk if its cuz i care or its just the inconsistency annoying me.Tho recently for the first time i malefailed in public to a stranger. And idk what to make of it in hindsight. But i know that my immediate reaction to it was to be happy and smile for a few minutes.
be happy that you can transion pepole in my country cant do that
>>43933384>kind of like a mamas boy or just a very asexual type of gay archetype Ive seenNo idea what those are supposed to mean> find other shit to actually care about.true probably. But legit feels like i cant lol. The only thing im somewhat certain on is that im probably depressed rn and have been since at least the start of the year.
>>43933365maybe, hopefully, ig. But also that doesnt help rn, or with whether or not i should keep taking estrogen rn or not.
>>43933327>when i pass by the mirror and my face looks more fem i get happy. Or when i notice that my breasts give me a more feminine shape i often get happy tooconglaturation you're a tranny of some description, keep going
>>43933728idk maybe. Its kinda hard to argue with that im ngl, like why else would this kinda stuff happen lol.But on the other hand why do i keep freaking out about it, and get scared i hate having breasts so often (despite also sometimes liking them).Im also more depressed right now than maybe ever in my life. Which also feels at odds with being trans and finally taking E. (Tho in part it might be due to my general life circumstances, id prob be depressed rn even w/o E).Still tho, i hate this uncertainty and constant back and forth in my head. Between:> "You obviously like this, it seems to make you happy u look more feminine (often including breasts), part of you is still sad u didnt do this earlier, and u dont like anything T does, so why stop?"and> "You are a fucking idiot for growing tits, they look weird and uncomfortable and might make it impossible to boy/manmode, hell maybe they will even give u dysphoria, and the only way to get rid of them is doing a whole entire surgery youd be too scared of"With like a million smaller stops in between too.I hate it, i wish i was more trans so i wouldn't struggle with this. Well then id struggle with dysphoria ig which also sucks.Yeah scratch that, i just wanna die atp. There seems to be no lasting happiness for me in this life. Or even just a concrete path that could potentially lead to it, i thought this might be it and now i have no clue again.Life is constant torture and i want out.
>>43933365thank for pic
