I wish i was a real trannyThere seems to be this weird drive and attraction i have to being a tranny. I spent almost a decade considering whether or not i am. I decided to say fuck it and am on E for almost a year now.And yet the questioning is still not stopping, and i sometimes feel like i might not actually have a good reason to believe i am a tranny and im just making a massive mistake instead and should stop/detroon. And yet other times i feel like there is enough evidence here to believe i am actually a tranny or at least should stay on HRT. Im in this weird half state of not feeling tranny enough to justify transition to myself, but with enough signs that something is up that make it seem like im not really cis either.> I usually dont mind being a guy - Yet sometimes i get sad i look like one or i get brief periods of disliking some male features of myself> I usually dont desperately desire being a girl - Yet sometimes i get really envious of girls/women> I usually dont desperately desire female body features - Yet after HRT for the first time ever i sometimes like what i look like and started taking pictures> I usually dont desperately desire boobs, sometimes im even scared i might dislike them - Yet other times i get extremely happy about the breast growth i already got and like that it makes me look more feminine> I usually dont desperately desire being she/her-ed or being a woman socially - Yet the one time i malefailed in public my immediate reaction was to be happy about it and start smiling> I usually dont really believe im truly trans - Yet sometimes i do think my life would have been better if i transitioned sooner/already or was just AFAB> I usually dont think i have dysphoria - Yet i have (rarely) cried about having a dick, broad shoulders and beard shadow beforeIts just dumb i wish i was more trans so i could troon out and not constantly question if its a mistake.
>>44023957Nona you have ocd and your current obsession is "am I really trans?". I speak from experience you genuinely have to ignore the boy thoughts and push through it. You're a tranny like the rest of us
>>44023957There's no such thing as faketrans or trutrans. Some do it because they want to be women or look like them (agp), others because they want to be trannies (agamp), others because they want to be hot for men (hsts), the whole thing went to shit when retards pushed gender identity as the reason when it only really applied to agp, and even them can get over the female identity part
I wish i desperately desired all these things. Then the path forward would be clear at least.I should be happy i dont since that kind of deep desire leads to dysphoria. But i really wish i wanted it as badly as lots of other trannies do. Then id at least have a path forward in life.Instead i desire it just enough to not get it out of my head. But not enough to convince myself i HAVE TO do this.Idk maybe i do desire these things badly and its just obscured somehow. Like maybe this is just a normal ebb and flow of tranny thoughts, but my overthinking overly anxious brain just latches onto that to try to convince myself i dont actually desire these things when maybe i do.That might explain that, despite not feeling like extreme desires, i sometimes get extremely happy when they get fulfilled anyways. Like why i was so happy getting gendered female, and why it seems like im getting happier with my body on HRT.I wish it was that. But i truly just dont know anymore.
>>44023957Can not relate. Maybe it's because I repped for so long? Who knows. Keep people guessing I suppose. There will always be those ready to try and tear me down and forcing doubt regarding if I'm actually a woman or trans so why do that to myself?
>>44024017Get rid of all the fluff on the post. "I wish I desperately wanted to be a girl". Isn't that just desperately wanting to be a girl? Don't fall for your brain's trickery. Just keep going.
>>44023997I agree with you. But when i say "real tranny" i dont necessarily mean gender identity (altho that too since if i had that id be kinda certain on what to do at least).I just maybe mean like, an amount of certainty/conviction that transition will improve my life.I agree that tru transness is bullshit. But i do feel like being any kind of tranny requires at least a conviction that one is a tranny.Usually due to suspecting one would be better off transitioned or just another gender than AGAB. This tends to mean gender dysphoria/euphoria but personally i too really dont care if its just an aesthetic preference, sexuality thing or even a fetish instead for all i care.But i dont have that. I lack the conviction that i should do this/have to do this or that im certain id end up better post transition.And when i say i wish i was tru trans, i think i mostly mean that i wish i had more certainty that i wouldnt/wont regret transition and that itd improve my quality of life.
>>44024049It might be, but i really think it might also not be. Maybe its juts a desperate want for a goal to aspire to, and the fact that transition/being a girl is what i latched onto is entirely incidental.Plus u have to consider im on HRT and out to a good chunk of ppl in my life (most actually). So it could just be a sunk cost fallacy as well because i dont want to admit i made such a monumentally stupid a mistake for this long.
>>44023980Idk, maybe, ocd is starting to sound a little too relatable. However idk if thats cuz i actually have it or if its just because other ppl have repeated it so much at me now.Problem is also that if it is ocd, no other "obsession" ever became this significant to me lol. In fact idek if i could point to any other possible "obsession" besides this one.Also afaik in OCD the intrusive thoughts are supposed to be irrational. But i dont fully believe that, i do think i overthink this stuff too much to the point of it being maybe a bit harmful. But i also dont rationally believe i am actually trans and the "am i not/really trans" thoughts are intrusive.I think it actually makes a lot of sense to think about it since i was never really sure i was trans. Always just various degrees of "maybe" or "probably". And like obv i should figure out if i am right? So this doesnt feel entirely irrational to obsess about.
>>44023980Also> you genuinely have to ignore the boy thoughts and push through itI dont even have boy thoughts tho, well sometimes i feel weirdly male and weirdly fine with it, but thats very rare.My problem is much more so that i dont have more girl thoughts to keep me on track/pushing through :c.> You're a tranny like the rest of usLots of ppl told me that already and yeah maybe. But im getting kinda spooked im not and im just an idiot instead :c
>>44024039I also repped for a while, like at least 2-4 years id say. Tho more like a combination of repping and questioning. It just eventually dipped more into repping because i started being mad at myself that i had thought about being a tranny for so long and never acted on it and started regretting not doing it sooner.I feel like u can only question/rep for so many years until you realize that, had you gotten over yourself earlier, u might have already finished a transition now and potentially been way better off. And i got kinda very mad at myself over that, eventually its kinda what pushed me into trying hrt.Tho with a mindset that was more like "Lets see how i feel, it might clarify things, since it seems just passively thinking about it wasnt doing anything for me anymore". And less "yeah im probably a tranny lets just do it", altho that a bit too but not nearly as much.
>>44024194Sorry about how long it took, I went outI get that feeling all the time when I'm ocding out. Wishing I'd have the girl thoughts more often and stronger and stuff. That 'doubt' counts as the boy thoughts, really. The doubt totally is still irrational here too. Think about it. You're out to everyone, you've been on HRT for awhile now, and you're even happy when you malefail and despite all the questioning you haven't stopped. What makes more sense, that you're genuinely faking all of this and you're wrong - or that you're just obsessively doubting over yourself. Trust me on this the constant "what if"s will eat you up if you don't recognize that's what's up.Although I will warn you that knowing this is a cognitohazard because it'll randomly switch to a new topic. It will also feel like this, but about a new and scary thing.
>>44027374Idk if the doubts really are irrational tho. Like, for them to be irrational some part of me should be convinced im trans. But even in my most "pro trans" moments thats not really the case. Usually then i just think its very likely i am or i settle on sth like "well id already need surgery to detrans might as well grow more boobs first to see how i feel about it" or "actually i mostly think its fine dont i, i just freak out about it randomly".But its not that im like convinced im trans, ever. Im in this weird situation where im closing in on 1y HRT and questioning my gender for nearly a decade. But im technically still an "egg" cuz i never had a "waow fuck i actually truly am transgender"-realization moment.Wouldnt i need to have that to be able to claim that my "oh god what if this is a mistake" thoughts are irrational, compared to a "i am trans" baseline?But i dont have a "i am trans" baseline :c.
>>44027374> Think about it. You're out to everyone, you've been on HRT for awhile now, and you're even happy when you malefail and despite all the questioning you haven't stopped. What makes more sense, that you're genuinely faking all of this and you're wrong - or that you're just obsessively doubting over yourself.I mean, yeah kinda, like statistically doing al that and not being trans is unlikely thats true. Altho idk if there are any actual (believable) stats about this i could look up.Buuut for one i could just be the exception lol. But also its less about "whether im trans" or not. I think, even if sometimes i dont sound like it, i do kinda accept im prob at least some kinda nb lol.But what if im a kind of nb that doesnt want breasts? Like they are genuinely my number one concern (and i really really wish it wasnt like that). Like idk sometimes they seem weird, like breasts are so visible, and "in the way" and idk, do i want that? They are also extremely irreversible/hard to undo :c.Otoh ofc i sometimes really like how what i have already makes my chest more fem and make clothes look more fem. But then other times they weird me out and idk if its just me having to get used to them, or genuine dislike :c.So like its less about whether hrt at all is good for me (tho that too sometimes) but usually like with a focus on breast growth. And being scared i fucked up there by not taking SERMS (immediately) or just not thinking it through properly pre hrt (i just assumed id get used to them/wont mind) or if i dislike them so much it does mean hrt was a bad idea...
>>44023957your more trutrans than i will everiwbawi will always be a man and will always be ok living as one and will never change or have the will and guts to change and will never even be able to see changehrt is a meme
>>44028054I could also be ok living as a man, did u not read the post lol.Also dont knock hrt in case u havent tried it yet. Part of me wishes it was a meme and didnt do shit cuz then id be less anxious about staying on it lol.And also if u arent on it u wont know if u never will have the guts or will to change. I thought that way for the longest time myself, including about coming out and getting on HRT.Yet somehow i got here in the end anyways. It might not be as impossible as u think yk.
