I want to kill myself. I have to live with my parents for at least a year and I'm manmoding around them. Having to wear a binder at home is awful. My parents have no respect for my privacy, so they barge into my room in the morning and there's always a chance they could see my breasts if I accidentally unconsciously took off my blanket. It's very hot right now so sleeping with a blanket thick enough to sort of hide your breast issue is hard.
I'm living with them so I can save money for FFS. If they found out I'm trans, everything would go to hell and it would be a very quick road to suicide for me.
I keep having constant mental breakdowns because of this and how manly, tall I am. I'm trying to stay focused on my long term goals but right now I want to kill myself every day. I'm considering getting some antidepressants to stabilize my mood a bit.
The fact is that it will take at least like 3 years until I'll be able to live in a better place and have FFS. Until then I have to keep my stupid hair short and manmode. I probably will manmode after I move out and get FFS because I am too masculine and too tall to ever pass.

>>44073891
I am crashing, like my self-hatred has been increasing steadily for months
If I open the camera app and see myself I'll start to cry. I feel so masculine and like everyone that knows me won't stop lying and gaslighting me. I want to keep up with who I am, but I can't, for a short while I felt motivated again, but now I'm back to work-sleep-wake up repeat, nothing all day, it feels like once a year I get super bad with my mental state until it breaks
I didn't even use this place last year, I worked, did walks; had friends and then middle of the year broke down mid suicide attempt
This year I don't have friends and do nothing
I don't have any real coping strategies
>>44073945
Hey nona, I'm sorry your parents keep you manmoding :(
It is good to look at the long term goals, yeah as ffs is a pretty nice thing to save for
I do think maybe anti depressants could be good and help you until you get ffs
I hope once you get it and move out you wouldnt need to manmode anymore

i took hrt and grew boobs and i really dont like having them. my body looks so weird and gross now. its just added to the grossness i already felt. i need to accept how i look but i cant.

I don't see the point of venting to hateful retards when I can just work towards solving my problems

>>44073891
i have figured out a little while ago that despite how reasonnably young i started or how feasible it is in my situation to get money and have some surgeries there is definetly no world in which i ever look like a woman
surprisingly i haven't killed myself yet and i have no idea why, i manage to value my distractions enough to tell myself that i need to get deeper into them for another year or 2, i have no idea how long ill keep living doing that

>>44073891
I will never transition I'm too much of a lazy coward to ever do it, I would never be able to deal with the backlash.

>>44074142
Did you want boobs before you took hrt, or always knew you didn't? If you never wanted you could have tried a serm maybe, but likely too late now, maybe a mastectomy later in life
If you do want them but just hate your body I hope you can accept it, and you can still make improvements to style, fitness, more time hrt, etc
>>44074170
Some people do and that's ok, it's anonymous for most individuals and it's either like writing a journal entry or just having someone say "same" either way it can be helpful to some and to disparage that isn't
>>44074180
I think most people are usually mean online, there's little consequence to it
I'm sorry it's preventing you from making friends, and while I said most I do still think there's genuine people out there to be friends with online
>>44074200
Why do you believe no surgeries will help? There's more advancement made every year, even in the diminished trans research climate right now
It's good to manage those distractions though, people call it distractions, others call it living depending on what it is
>>44074228
Could you manmode, take hrt, or otherwise anti-androgens (risking osteoporosis tbf) and delay/prevent social transitioning in any way?

>>44074308
>why do you believe no surgeries will help ?
there's just so much work to do.
i don't think ill be in a fucked up financial situation like many of my friends but i doubt ill be rich enough to break and remake every single bone in my body.
my face is just fucked all around and would look better sanded off entirely, my shoulders/hip ratio is bad, my hips aren't that small but my shoulders are far bigger, my ribcage is stupidly big and makes my decent hip invisible because i have no waist, im 1m82 and my best solution is to like cut off my legs. surgeries can make as much progress as it wants i doubt i can afford an entire new set of bones

>>44074308
My best bet is doing a diy orchi, roping, or finding something that makes living as a cis man worthwhile.

>>44074420
That's fair; if there were surgeries you would ever get, there is shoulder, rib, face obv
It is ridiculous how expensive it all is though, especially in countries with user paid healthcare or low quality insurance so it's understandable
despite being a tranny, I'm probably the worst at responding to tranny feels, because they do feel difficult to even say something about
idk your timeline or looks, but I do hope you can see more changes and get some of those surgeries if desired
>>44074452
Diy orchi I don't recommend but it is possible i mean. It's usually better to force an orchi rather than truly diy; just cause enough damage that they have medical necessity to be removed
preferable to roping off course; if you don't get on anti-androgens or get an orchi, diy or not I hope you can still find a way to feel better

>>44074557
>despite being a tranny, I'm probably the worst at responding to tranny feels
i get it you can't say much to this faggot lamenting on their situation without even having seen it, besides i doubt there's much reassuring to do or solutions to find.
it's still nice of you to lend an ear thank you

I posted a picture of myself looking the best I thought I ever have, but then I saw the muscles in my neck popping out and my strong shoulders stretching my dress out and a pained expression with crooked teeth and a receded hairline that bangs can't cover. Then I realized that everybody sees an ugly crossdressing man failing to look like a woman. Nobody sees an improvement from the starting point. I've been told explicitly multiple times that I was more attractive as a man. Some girls went out of their way to say they had crushes on me when I was younger, but I fucked it up by being a freak. Even though this is the best I've ever felt, the bar is so low that anybody else would be embarrased to look like me at all.

I feel so much shame to see the downvotes or comments like "yeah, that's not great" and "I'm sorry" if I'm not ignored outright. Why wouldn't people ignore some ugly desperate loser? It's like clockwork, as soon as I feel good about myself and want any validation, even the cheapest kind from strongers, I realize I don't deserve it. I can't talk to anybody about this, because it's pathetic, but I just really wish I wasn't constantly rejected. My personality is shit. My looks are shit. My outlook on life is shit. I'm shit.

>>44074583
Of course nona
>>44074655
You're not shit nona; and I'm sorry the moment you feel good that it's ruined either by yourself or others
It is great tho that you recognize this is the best you've ever felt even if it's being rough
If you think your personality is shit btw, that's something you have the power to change, finding different outlook, hobbies, trying to emulate personality traits

Met a girl from here and she's really cool. Been talking to her a lot and I simply cannot wait to meet her in person.

>>44074795
I spent all my time & energy trying to change for the better, but it still led to me being worthless now. Now, I don't have any motivation to do anything except rot away and whine about how sad I am.

I don't do this in other places or to anyone I know. Only complaining here because it's a vent thread.

people only care about me if I provide sexual value to them. I keep reaching out to my "friends" to hang out, or to rekindle old connections but I keep getting ignored, it's so fucking humiliating. Last year a tgirl I used to know reached out and I was so happy to have a friend, but she just wanted to hookup and after I turned her down she told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore. It's no wonder that I just go from relationship to relationship, thats the only context people pretend to give a shit about me in, and even then they usually drop off. I dont know why I even try to make real friendships anymore, everyone just sees a tranny
>>44073945
I dont know your home life, but if you are an adult it may be worth trying to set up boundaries. Getting a lock for your door could be an easy first step, stand your ground if they say anything about it.
>>44074133
I totally get that. Sometimes it feels like im stuck in a cycle where I do fine for a few months, then I completely crash. As someone who also lost all of her friends and turned to the internet, at least we have each other

I’ve never felt sexual desire or attraction and it’s made rationalizing my transition that much harder. People love to talk about agp and transgenderism being a sexual fantasy but like i’ve never felt sexual gratification from crossdressing or larping as the opposite sex online. I’ve only just felt more confident or like the whole thing is more natural for me. I get scared whenever someone is sexually attracted to me because i have no experience in that area and it’s a little embarrassing to be 23 and completely inexperienced.

Idk why but I feel guilt each time I do this, using my own thread. Just, I keep thinking I'm doing wrong, am I hated here? I'm always a nobody, and that's fine really, but It's usually pretty positive interaction, but idk I'm scared and trying not to cry at work, was I being mean to someone? Or did I do something wrong?
>>44074821
That's great! I hope it goes well and you'd be able to see them soon :)
>>44074823
That's totally fine, you can vent here, post 100 replies, ignore me, anything you'd like. The point is to be for others and anons to be able to do what they need here to help feel even slightly better
I hope you can find motivation again
>>44074925
I feel you, not the sexual desire necessarily, but old connections, friends etc just dropping or no more interest
I'm a group hopper typically, last one in'25 was so messed up i havent even had a new friend group since
Trannies seem better imo, at least better than liberals and leftists as friends so maybe I need to do that more
Hope you can make internet friends, I'm used to those almost entirely except having semi-friends irl last year
>>44074940
You don't need to have any of that desire or gratification, if your fantasies have a deep set feeling of just being more right of natural then you can be a tranny in that way
It's not embarrassing to be 23 and have no experience, some find it endearing and your lack of it stems from asexuality not any type of incel ideology

why can't I not fear death
why must I be tethered to this world that has done nothing but punish me for mistakes I didn't even know were possible
it isn't fair

I'm textbook spiralling. I don't know what the future has in store for me but I know it won't be kind.

>>44075431
I'm sorry anon, when suicidal the fear of death can sometimes be the only thing stopping you, and that can make the pain even worse
I hope things can improve for you though

>>44075654
Have you attempted grounding techniques to help so you can think clearly and stop the spiral?

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>>44073891
I hate my fucking life. I lost all my friends to a combination of telling the truth about how hopeless I am and how my transition has failed as well as my frequent crashouts when I get push back. This isn't to say it's all my fault, some of them genuinely wished for my downfall.

Additionally I am so fucking mad at passoids who frequently treat me like shit for being in the position I am in... Like I am already going through enough shit with appeals for ffs being denies, to parents hating me, to losing my insurance in about a month potentially making me lose access to hrt. And yet these passoids seem it morally acceptable to make fun of me treat it like it's all my fault. That I deserve to be an ugly miserable hon. Every passoid I have met is like this, humble bragging egotistical fucks and I hate them all

>>44075706
I want to kill myself

i'm a horrible fucking person and i don't understand why people even want to talk to me. I have no personality except for just trying to copy whatever people around me have going on and i look like a greasy rapist moid on top of that. every person i talk to for long enough either stops talking to me because they realize how pathetic and self hating i am, or i just don't know how to keep conversations going and i lose contact that way
i thought starting HRT would improve things somewhat but the only thing it has done so far is take away my ability to repress emotions and disassociate which is really fucking awesome because now i'm cutting myself like a proper mentally ill tranny.
oh and it keept getting better because now i have two really cool scars on my upper lip because of a laser accident so now i can't even continue nuking my facial hair so i'll always remain a clocky bitch
i never had any potential of looking like a woman anyway and this just makes me want to give up and kill myself like i should've done years ago
guess i'll keep going because there is still some part of me that has a little bit of hope but that won't last for long

>>44073891
i feel like there's just way too much for me to do. i just finished my degree at 20, I need to get a job, get my driver's license, get a car, move out, exercise, eat better, save as much money as I can for my transition. all the while I'm still an autistic intensely depressed ugly gigahon and career rape victim. i don't know how I can move past the way that I am to succeed in life. there are just so many layers to my suffering. i feel genuinely retarded and incapable of summoning the energy to feel emotion or do things I used to enjoy. Everything seems to be going well for me but I feel such intense pressure to try to make something meaningful of my life, I feel like everyone is surpassing me in every way imaginable, I'm burnt out, I already peaked in high school and I wish I died so they could live with the memory of me and how 'smart' I was without realizing that I didn't have any more potential beyond that and that's as good as I was ever going to get at anything, I feel like a complete fraud. And I don't pass. my girlfriend loves me but I feel like it's inevitable things will fall apart because of the way I am. I just got broken up with after 6 years because my ex boyfriend said he's gay and didn't want to date me since 2022 but didn't leave for fear of me killing myself. I'm still not over him. Fuck my life dude seriously

>>44075706
>>44075891
That's a ton of stuff all at once; fuck insurance for denying your appeals :/
I hope you won't lose access to your hrt, and if so can find a way or person to help you continue on it
Sorry you've experienced passoids giving you shit when you have much going on
>>44076018
Please hang onto that small hope still
I'd honestly say it's better to be unable to repress emotions, but obviously worse for cutting; repping emotions wouldn't help make any progress in getting better
For people youve lost contact with, have you been able to reach out to them later? It's possible some of them feel similar and would like to hear from you again
>>44076143
Finishing college shows you can make that progress, try to itemize and focus on individual tasks rather than all at once
Job > Car/License > License/Car > move out
as an example
You can't know you've peaked in hs without seeing where you'll end up
also speak to your gf about how you feel pls

>>44076195
thank you, I should try to focus on one task at a time. I've talked to my gf about this a lot and she gets sad because she really loves me and wants to be with me forever, I've already explained pretty thoroughly my concerns about our relationship and she has said that she wants to be with me anyways for as long as I'm willing to be with her, it just makes me sad because she's such an angel but I can't summon the same feelings for her or anyone else. I just feel empty and like I'm missing something everyone else has. I'm going to try to start therapy and get medication soon. I'm way too paranoid and it's ruining my life because I can't sleep.

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>>44073891
I was drinking with a friend, and we ended up talking about transitioning, relationships, etc. I normally am very bad about being open and vulnerable, especially about these things, but I opened up more than usual since she was sharing a lot and because of alcohol.
I feel like for over half of the things I said I got hit with the "I'm so sorry, Nona." I feel bad because I didn't mean to trauma-dump, make her worry, or whatever. Also, most of the stuff I shared didn't register as being bad or worrisome to me, so maybe there's some introspection that needs to happen there.

>>44076195
whenever i try to reach out to people i just end up spiraling and not doing it. they'll probably just ignore me and think i'm pathetic or something

just a few hours until sleep
then homework tomorrow. job first of course
then the admin project
and the health
and the diet
and trying to luck into a place i can afford
and that side-project to get started, maybe have something to feel kind of proud about, even though it'll be merely functional garbage that's too little too late for little gain when much more urgent and important stuff is languishing
and the language
and maybe one day the gym
but in the end I've been excised from family for decades, also from friends, and from community
a life that has been mostly wasted, and now as everything gets worse, me just being lazy and stubborn and delusional enough to try to squeeze out a bit of living out of the downhill years
but stepping in front of the train at that place where it's fast enough, that'll just guarantee things get worse or just stop. it's not impossible that there might be a smile in the future, maybe a moment of contentment even
if nothing else, maybe at least I'll serve as a cautionary tale

Heard she went back to fucking her abusive ex last night, the one she went off to me so much about how horrible she was and said nasty tgings to her and would hurt her and choke her and how scared it made her. Its been about a minth and a half since she broke up with me, this isnt to say she shouldnt move on at all. But like, i know i shouldnt have listened but she said she still loved me when she broke up with me, that she still wanted to be friends. She was a really important part of my life for the time she was in it, she taught me so much. She wanted to keeo being friends after the breakup and kept being enthisiastic about talking to me, but after asking for space for a while noe shes just cold and distant.
Its hard to shake this feeling that i was just another exciting new person, that now that shes dine with me im just being tossed to the side. She told me that i was a warm constant glow rather than an exciting explosion that dies out quickly, i see now it didnt mean nearly as much as i thought.
She doesnt deserve the mark left on my skin

>>44076235
Those moments I think are important, the realization of oh this thing was actually really fucked up all along I was just gaslit by myself/others to think it wasnt. Ive been having a lot of them since I left home. As embarasing as it may have felt, Im glad you had that moment with someone.

>>44076195
>That's a ton of stuff all at once; fuck insurance for denying your appeals :/
It's fine it's probably just a sign that God doesn't want me to troon out. If he did he would've made me a passoid

>I hope you won't lose access to your hrt, and if so can find a way or person to help you continue on it
Maybe this is all a sign from God that I need to stop trooning out and start repping harder than I ever have.

>Sorry you've experienced passoids giving you shit when you have much going on
Being blessed makes some people egotistical ig

sorry work got busy but now im eatin rice and yogurt
>>44076216
I'm glad you have someone like her in your life, good luck with therapy and meditation
I sometimes feel the same emptiness, but others have said it gets better with effort and help
>>44076235
the I'm sorry's can sometimes be from a loss of words or not knowing how to help, not necessarily discomfort
And for issues you believe might not be big or matter, they matter and are real to you add they're affecting your life and mental state
>>44076278
You won't know they'll ask ignore you unless you try
And when you reach out to many, the first to reply makes you forget all the ignores

>>44076285
I hope that wouldn't need to occur;
You have what acts as a to do listed well
but without community friends or family ik life can be so much more difficult
Who knows maybe delusion can win, if happiness is made from delusion all would know except the deluded, and the fact is theyre happy, no?
>>44076301
She doesn't and I'm sorry; it does sound like you were a momentary thing, being (ab)used for the sake of her emotions
>>44076370
I don't think so, if a god is real, just and kind he'd want you happy and that would come from what you need now

I really hate my mother

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Anxiety and avoidant personality disorder have made my life unfixable. Ill never be able to make a friend, ill never be able to find love, ill never be able to get a job. And i wont even ever get to be myself since im too scared to come out as a femboy to anyone.
Ive tried four different therapists, and various different medications, nothing ever helped me. I have no future at all besides getting uglier and eventually hitting twink death.

>>44077130
>I don't think so, if a god is real, just and kind he'd want you happy and that would come from what you need now
My entire life is proof that a higher power exists and that he just hates some people. Nothing in my life ever goes my way, it always impacts me in the worst way possible. God exists and he just likes to watch some people suffer because he's bored. And again if he wanted me to troon out he would have made me a passoid or given me access to ffs. He just wants me a miserable repper till I kms

>>44077165
I wish she'd treat you better
>>44077238
>twink death
hrt or acceptance
Other than that it sucks, I've not had a real friend since freshman year of HS like almost a decade ago now..
I think it's still possible for love and a job, they can be difficult but there's understanding people out there and i find that easier than friends somehow desu
>>44077273
I'm sorry nona, I wish you didn't have to suffer

i really wish i hadn't used my hitachi at all because it turns out i really was a nonop transbian top coping with severe relationship trauma the whole time and having sex with an enthusiastic sub actually did fix me
now my dick is like 30% smaller than it's supposed to be

>>44077624
>I'm sorry nona, I wish you didn't have to suffer
It's ok. It's my fault that I didn't have the guts to plunge that knife into my body when I was 6 years old. Good thing that it's never too late to kill myself. Will hopefully do it after my trip next week. Let's just hope I'm not a coward and don't chicken out again

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i keep flipping between mania and being the saddest bitch alive

i was really confident for the first several to many months but then it finally broke and now it comes and goes. my emotions are really fickle and intense. they hit in waves and its unironically like microdosing e(the other kind). like if im tired or hungry i can go from ecstatic to depressed in minutes and im really effected by external validation. im really tired but i saw this girl at the gas station at 2 am and idk i was really high and ive been working late every day this week and something about her vibe was like the most attractive person i have seen i years and i felt like i should have said something to her like asked her name but i didnt and whats more is my confidence has been coming from the looks ive been getting and she didnt even look at me twice. im so tired i dont even know if i saw her face lol. and as a moder what do you even say how do you even and besides its 2 am and im a hulking monster and she didnt look at me so it doesnt matter. but she looked kinda like like this girl from work i had a huge crush on but she isnt around anymore. like i said im tired and in general im all mixed up. idk it feels like a huge missed opportunity. it feels like heartbreak. is this transference of feelings from not talking to my work crush. i made a post about a girl from work who smiled at me and mmg was mean and dismissive. i dont think its a good thread to blog in even tho i didnt charactermaxx that time. but i also have a huge crush on her. and she looked right at me and smiled again and i fucking fumbled again and blushed and looked away. but then later i saw her looking at me twice. but why does her nametag have a boys name when she is this cute holy shit thinking about her makes me feel dizzy why is she looking at me like that she cant possibly not know im a moder and all these cis guys talk to her why is she looking at me.t i guess cause this is still fucking me up i woke up hungover for the first time in years

i guess im flip flopping again. i thought it was ok and i wasnt claiming enby as cope. but im so fucking tall and even if my shoulders are proportional too might height and i dont look fridgemaxxed like you know those emo guys that are huge and have huge chests, but i still look do kinda like that and estrogen plus compression shirt is making me look more like that not even more dorito shaped not more fem! wtf wtf wtf and my skull is so freaking huge. i never got worms like this but i dont know why that girl didnt even look at me. even when i passed as cis i was hot and im so much hotter now. i didnt touch my hair all the way home and then took pictures and i looked fine, for a man i guess. and of course she could have been busy or tired herself or just got off work or she could be straight and could tell im a giant faggot and ill never know. it just really rocked my confidence. its so stupid my mind puts so much significance on things that arent even real, but like idk if types are a thing i would have married her she was so pretty and that is so infrequent like even online i feel like there was something there that i missed. the last person that made me feel like that was my boss and shes been gone for months and months atp. and like im not ready yet and i know that but im just so close it still feels like an excuse like i should practice talking to people even if im not ready, even if it amounts to nothing i need to work on it. i just need to actually talk to cute girls who look at me at work instead of forcing them to initiate so i dont feel like a creep. its gotta be delusional to expect them to still initiate at my age, like sure it happened all my life and every gf but it hasnt happened in a long while and girls with that kind of confidence are already in a relationship bc they know what they want. and i dont even need to take it serious i just need practice, the problem is when shes so cute that my plan gets wiped from my mind the second i see her

>>44077624
>hrt or acceptance
Its iimpossible for me to get hrt for various reasons. And even if i did, growing boobs would just make me hate my own body in a different way than i did before.

I complain too much and make everyone uncomfortable. I have nothing to say that doesn't get followed up with "that's horrible to hear," even when it's meant in jest. I can NOT stop myself and it pisses me off and makes me anxious. I'll struggle to find a natural pause in any conversation with 3 people, try to speak only to interrupt someone, apologize and shut up for ten minutes, then try again. By the time I get to talk normally, I lose what I was going to say and just...fill the dead air hoping my point comes across or comes back to me. If I get probed on something political, I choose the most nonconfrontational thing I can say and still manage to get instantly clocked as masking. Like okay I don't understand nonbinary gender expression but I'm engulfed in flames, I do not have the tenacity or audacity to do battle with some damn social trend that never really affected me! I'm tired! I feel like a rescue dog and the few people that tolerate me have to treat me like the unstable biter I really am!

>>44077639
The hitachi wand can/did cause shrinkage? I didn't know that was a thing; Sorry it's harmed your sexuality nona
>>44077655
idk, i hope whatever to you have is nice
>>44077669
Pray for the mania and then when sad curse it when u check ur bank account..
Kidding kinda, but im sorry, the instability itself is difficult and unpredictability of it
>>44077682
boys nametag
tranny, pooner, theyfab, hippie parents, lost theirs and borrowed coworker uniform the possibilities are endless
Sorry mmg isn't the best, I've never personally look into the gen before
I relate to that early transition confidence, had that for a while and then huge downfall later on, sometimes wish I had that again, but it's whatever ig
If you try and approach them and ask gl nona
little confused on past/present for some of this but the 2am girl is one I wish luck for
u do seem a bit shy but also touch starved manic from second one, so if u do try to talk you should try to calm your nerves first, smoke or smth
>>44078134
SERMs, but also I understand and I'm sorry, just leaves acceptance I guess
wish everyone could just have their desired body

i got pumped and dumped by chad, not the first time, but i'm too tired to feel angry i just feel sad and disappointed

>>44078266
Thank you for your kindness, but i dont know how ill ever be able to accept the fact that my body will become disgusting old and masculine. I just cant ever be okay with that

>>44076324
I'm glad as well, thankful to have a few close friends who want to know how I'm doing past the usual pleasantries. I feel like most of the gaslighting came from myself, comparing my problems to others and thinking about how others have it worse. Dysphoria was one of quite a few things I just pushed down and tried not to think about. Also a relief to hear other people deal with something sinilar, glad to hear that you were able to get away from home to process things.
>>44076964
>the I'm sorry's can sometimes be from a loss of words or not knowing how to help, not necessarily discomfort
That's a relief. It was a fun outing and I didn't want to be a downer.
>And for issues you believe might not be big or matter, they matter and are real to you add they're affecting your life and mental state
Thank you, this is something I struggle with but am trying to work on. I'm used to minimizing myself and my problems to avoid attention.

>>44078266
thanks for acknowledging me i just needed to feel heard

>tranny
im pretty sure they are. i thought they were a moder but it might just be their uniform. idk i thought maybe pooner bc they look like they have a very developed chest but again that might just be the way their button up blouses out. i stopped thinking that cause it sounds like they are voice training and they cinch their waist tight on purpose and are growing their hair out, which we actually started at the same time. shes just so cute it feels wrong to call her a moder.

and seeing them around and not being sure was actually kinda the catalyst for me trooning out since i never saw a trans person irl. they look like that pipeline meme. it made me insanely envious and i started following a bunch more trans content on twitter which eventually pushed me to hrtgen and diy. in addition to everything else thats another reason i dont pursue. plus i use crushes as a sort of hobby and therapy to think thru my issues and im aware of it and that limerance is like making a tulpa and the person i have a crush on is in my head not irl, irl i dont know them.

its just. what if im wrong. what if the guy shes talking to is just in her d&d club and theyre just friends. what if shes not actually a youngshit and its just the e making her look young and shes actually my age? what if im not a weird skinwalker and shes gay and even sympathetic to moders? holy shit when i was on break microwaving my lunch the second person with the same uniform walked in to the breakroom and i saw their reflection in the microwave and i thought it was her and i turned bright red and almost fucking fainted from the prospect of being stuck in a room alone with her and maybe having to say words with my moid voice. it is crazy how much she effects me. its crazy how much external things in general effect me now

>a bit shy but also touch starved manic
yes i feel extremely manic which is quite a change

>>44078249
I too struggle with talking in a group, honestly I can only do one on ones or else I'll never get a word in somehow
When you give those non confrontational answers, for non-binary as your example
cant you just say you don't care and genuinely don't have an opinion?
complaining too much is something that needs to be overcome somehow as few people have patience for it unfortunately
>>44078268
I'm sorry that happened again
>>44078566
>I'm used to minimizing myself and my problems to avoid attention.
yep, do the same myself, but it's alright
I'd rather focus here and speak to people instead of anything else
>>44078582
All those things you wouldn't ever know without finding from them
unfortunately, by
>i thought it was her and i turned bright red and almost fucking fainted from the prospect of being stuck in a room alone with her and maybe having to say words with my moid voice.
it sounds easier said than...well said really, you'd need to measure your reactions somehow to be able to even speak with them you make it sound like

I'm gonna take a nap so i'm less sad and better able to respond

>>44078695
>cant you just say you don't care and genuinely don't have an opinion?
That answer got a response of "you haven't outgrown that yet, that's child politics" as if politics was the art of involving yourself in other peoples' lives and being entirely informed about every possible social trend so you know whether to support or fight it.
I'm tired of everything and I just want the noise to stop but everything around me makes noise in my daily life. I only use youtube and 4chan for social media and even that's too much to take.

I recently picked up a rly good job that makes literally twice as much as my previous one and I am deathly afraid of fucking it up and getting fired because I will almost certainly blow my brains out if I do
but that part of me that wants to die is hoping that it happens, so I have an excuse to do it
so I feel like I'm stuck in this waiting limbo of sorts, like when I get home from work I don't do anything to better myself, just jerk off and play video games, until it's time to sleep and wake up and get ready for work then rinse and repeat until the weekend, where I get high on my friday night and then jerk off and play video games until it's time to sleep and rinse and repeat
how do I break this dumb fucking cycle
I am on the cusp of being a functional human being and an adult but have no clue how to step over to that side
what is holding me back

>>44078266
>The hitachi wand can/did cause shrinkage?
excessive use did lmao
i'll figure something out to fix it i'm sure...

>>44077639
uh oh. hope that doesnt become me. im at like maybe 85% but i think the reduction is mostly a result of insufficient hardness. a while back focusing fixed it but that hasnt been happening lately nor have i been motivated to try very hard lol

>>44078816
Ironically childish to tell someone they need an opinion on every single small topic and expect them to have context and experience of everything, failing to see beyond themself
>>44078874
congratulations on the job, seems good
As for stopping yourself, you need to force yourself out of that cycle, have something to do outside of it to try and help break it
>>44079263
Damn, well good luck reversing it nona

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I have resolved to kill myself by the end of the month. Does anyone have strategies to not chicken out?

>>44079990
Wouldn't be here if I did. Also don't kill yourself.

>>44079853
in desperation i'm cutting out my blockers since i'm on a good dose of E and prog so i'm hoping residual baseline T can help somehow

>>44080057
>Also don't kill yourself
There is literally no reason for me not to. I have lost all my friends do to bullying and my bpd crashouts. I am a hon and I have no escape from that fact. Nothing in my life is gonna get better. If anything it has been proven time and again that it will only get worse.

So I ask again. What are strategies to prevent me from chickening out again and finally freeing myself from my mortal prison

>>44079990
become stranded in the alaskan wilderness

>>44080226
Can't afford to go to Alaska but I could try to get lost in a place near here

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>>44079990
>>44080161
i've become so powerful that i can see posters without their usernames/tripcodes now. don't kill yourself ygmi fr fr

>>44080322
I'm definitely not maple lol. I don't even know a lot about her. And yeah I will be killing myself I just need to not chicken out this time

>>44080395
fuck. You still shouldn't do it. imagine if it got better and you were the guy mining for diamonds who turned away right before he was about to find them. wuoldn't that suck?

>>44080485
It will never get better. I've told myself the lie that things will improve for years but they only get worse and worse and WORSE. The only solution is suicide

>>44077238
There's something called TMS that can help fix anxiety. Worked on me, at least.

APD sucks too - but I haven't figured out how to fix mine, so I can't offer advice, just sympathy.

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>>44073891
I've been unemployed for the last 15 months, haven't been able to find anything in my field since, and just got explicitly turned town for the latest prospect this morning. I say explicitly because the vast majority don't bother to respond at all. For this one I was too specialized for the role I was interviewing for, the one before that I wasn't specialized enough for, the one before that wouldn't give me a reason. I've spent the last year and a bit hearing about how I'm not good enough, in so many words or otherwise.
Now I'm packing up all my things, having to parse through a lifetime of mementos, to move into my mother-in-law's basement because we can't afford to keep the house anymore. MIL doesn't even know I'm trans yet. I haven't felt a connection with my spouse in what feels like ages, I've crashed out of every community I've had in the last two years, I feel more alone than I ever have in my life, and now I'm getting drunk and shouting into the void on fucking 4chan. That's where I'm at.
Been thinking a lot lately about the time my doctor asked me what keeps me from killing myself. I told her cowardice, but I think it's really that I don't want to hurt anyone, even in death, even if it causes me more pain. Feels bad, ma'am.

>>44080094
good luck nona
>>44080655
That's alot
Honestly, ok "you're not specialized enough for the role" fair ig, that's the point of training but whatever
"You're too specialized" is retarded, you obviously have shown aptitude in learning and specialization which means more general work would be easier to pick up on than your current niche
Good luck on the move and I hope you can rekindle a connection with your spouse, try to not overdo the drinking good luck honeydew (is the name just in reference to the melon?)

>>44075197
>Idk why but I feel guilt each time I do this
I think you're a saint for listening to everyone, Puffin. I have no doubt that replying to everyone's woes, even just to say "I heard you," is doing a lot of good.

>>44076301
I know quite keenly how hard it is to be "just friends" with someone you're still in love with... I'm sorry nona. Hang in there. :(

>>44080902
>That's alot
I omitted even more for the sake of brevity, but yeah. The last couple years have been one bad thing after another with no light at the end of the tunnel.
>I hope you can rekindle a connection with your spouse
I'm honestly not sure anymore, but I'm stuck with her regardless. Her health insurance is the only one I have, and her mother's is the basement I'm moving into. Without her I'd literally be homeless and have to detrans.
> try to not overdo the drinking
It's not my first absinthe rodeo, but I appreciate the concern.
>is the name just in reference to the melon?
It's a name given to me by someone very dear to me. She thought I was soft & sweet. We don't really talk like we used to, but I don't have the heart to change it...

>>44081041
I'm glad the has deep meaning behind it, even if the memory and inertia behind it now feel bad
I asked because i thought of yogscast lol, Puffin is meaningless and was a bird i thought of
And thank you btw, I'm really hurting recently but it helps me to know that people at least in some way can be helped by these
And is it true absinthe can cause hallucinations or smth? I've never tried it, usually just stick to cheap hard liquor

>>44081111
>And is it true absinthe can cause hallucinations or smth?
Sadly I wouldn't know; I'm in Canada where the wormwood content is regulated to the point of being ineffective. Maybe one day I'll end up in Amsterdam and I can find out for sure. Still, 72% liquor that tastes like it is good enough for me.

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the worst part of being a hopeless oldshit is that i dont even feel like a can talk to other trans people or have trans friends because i'll never be good enough. the only other people that can possibly understand the retarded illness that makes me like this

>>44081178
Hopefully you could verify that one day, 72% sounds really nice, how bad is the burn with it?
>>44081290
You're good enough to talk to people that understand you, that's the basis for understanding
You shouldn't let it stop you from doing so, yet technically have done in small part here as i'm trans

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>>44081290
For what it's worth, I can relate. Between my age and where I live, suffice it to say I'm very used to being 1 of 1.

>>44081336
It's pretty spicy, but I also like ghost pepper so maybe take my opinion with a grain of salt. ^ ^;

>>44073891
Holy fucking shit I hate this site, my whole ip range was temporarily blocked from posting for abuse (wasn't me). Which is already annoying but for some reason I can still phonepost even though it's THE SAME FUCKING IP ADDRESS as my computer. Fuck You hiromoot I'm still not buying a 4chan pass.

>>44073891
my closest friend recently got a boyfriend and it's been fucking with me on a deep, visceral level. she was already kind of flaky and distant (i have basically no non-family friends) and recently seemingly bailed on plans to hang out with no warning and i'm pretty sure her bf is part of the reason. i'm tempted to just completely cut her off in like a self destructive way bc it feels like there's nothing i can give her now considering im a boring person with no social mobility or opportunities, also any future times hanging out she'd probably bring him which would make things hard bc i already have an issue completely locking up my personality but it'll be worse bc i'll be a mentally ill tranny freak around this guy who's completely normal who has zero incentive to give a shit about me, and maybe i'm scared that will pull her away? what's even worse is that she doesn't know i'm a tranny yet (she does know i'm into guys at least) but now i'm basically swearing off ever telling her anyway bc it would take no effort at all to just cut me off permanently and i think that would unironically kill me. it's fucked up but i'm genuinely kind of wishing i pretended to be a normal straight guy and feigned attraction to her (highly doubt she would've reciprocated but still) and torture myself with that whole ordeal just bc it would give her a reason to keep me around. as it stands i'm a useless mentally ill troon and i think i'm just gonna bite the bullet and make up for the failure that caused me to meet her

I'm not sure what to do anymore. I really thought transition would help. I forced myself to eat, work out, finding clothes that work, voice training, practicing makeup, injections. I gave it my best shot, pretended as best I could, but it's been two and a half years and I'm still alone and I still see a disgusting man's face and body in the mirror. I think about detransition every day, I'm not sure how much more of this I have in me.

i wish i could come out and be happy and be on estrogen and shit
but for many reasons i can't really
mostly i think it's because of how i think my parents would react
i think my dad would be okay with it, he loves me and i think he's a great person but i'm not sure how he would take it
my mum wouldn't understand it and would probably hate me or something like that again excacerbated by some personal reasons
i jsut wish it would stop
i didnt want to be autistic and adhd and trans and have elors danhlos and fucking whatever
i would murder and pillage and burn cities to the ground for an hour of being truly normal
honestly i would settle for much less time
i don't know what to do anymore and i'm scared
to be honest i'd start diy if it meant not having to hide needles around the house and being able to use the other types without side affects
i still don't fucking know if i am mtf even though i've chosen a new name for myself (it's just the female version of my old one) like most things in my life i don't know what's going on anymore

each day i come closer to jumping out my bedroom window and each day i think it would only break my legs but there's only so many times i can think of the latter
and then there's the fact i can't control my thoughts well which makes me hurt myself to try and stave of the awfulness
it sorta just started one day i don't know what it is but i hate it
kinda silly but classical music calms me down a little
i need proffesinal help and i think i'm getting it ina few months because i live in fucking britbongistan and everything is shit and stuck in bureaucratic hell
i'd use a crisis line or some shit if i didnt find the idea stupid
also i can't bring myself to do it anyway
i just want it to stop

>>44073891
My life will never feel right because I'm a lateshit regardless of how good I have it

because of circumstances i have to interact with a bunch of people who are for lack of a descriptor 'reddit' and im not like a lot of misanthropes here in that i can just get over their slightly annoying habits but lately theyve taken to the 'sir' bullshit and calling everyone sir and doing the 'a sir' and fuck me is it obnoxious and of course triggering not to mention over a decade out of date.

ai'n sorry I can't respond right now I'm so fucked
i teally hope i can respond in morning or later idk: i do really care anout anons and hope things improve

i think my life's over

>>44082332
is that something with an endpoint or do you have to be around them indefinitely?
i'm pretty sure i'd have to start smoking again if it were me

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>>44082364
and on the seventh day, puffin rested, for she had counseled many anons with such kindness and empathy which /tttt/ needed but did not deserve. sleeb well, champ.

>>44082364
We don't deserve you puffin <3

I'm probably gonna start hrt soon but the closer I get the more I hesitate, like I know I wont pass but I worry I'll just look like an ugly hon and people will clock me and idk. Also I'm retarded, is 18 actually like gigalateshit

>>44081795
>being able to use the other types without side affects
wdym. also in bongland diy is your only option kek

>>44082549
as much dooming as you see on this board, hrt actually help with dysphoria. there's a reason even a brainwormed site like this is full of xyzmoders and not detransitioners

>>44082549
18 is quite below average for this uh point in history. and anyway you're a bit stuck. If you repress now you'll regret it for the rest of your life, if you don't, you'll have a subpar life anyway. You're completely fucked. Considering that, trooning is your best option

>>44082549
Most people transition around 27-35, I wish I could start at 18. Better to be a manmoder than a boomerhon

>>44081467
That had happened to me a few times about two years ago, I know how frustrating it can be. Had Ip range ban on mobile network and wifi ran on mobile network as well so..
>>44081488
Do you think she'd be the kind to cut you off for that? Like has she said anything about troons? I'm sorry she's been distant/flaky due to her relationship, it can feel rough but the best is to probably find some other friends to make up for time if you can since she'll spend more time with him rather than you at this point
>>44081622
Do only you see it, or do others see it too? I ask because it can be a major difference here in how to go about it
If you're the sole witness, then I hope that therapy would be able to help with acceptance more and self-esteem to lower your critical self view
If it's others as well then I'm sorry your transition hasn't panned out well, I think alot can still change though and all those steps youve done so far are amazing <3
It took like 3 years for me and hell even 7 in I'm unhappy, but thats just me and in your case it may take more time or help, but I got it can happen
>>44081795
Hopefully you can get along to doing diy though, it'd be difficult without it
idk what you mean by side effects of others like, AA's? But they'd be better than nothing surely
It's good youre atleast on the road to professional help even if its going to take a while to get into it
I hope theyd be able to help you, your father if he is good as you say would love and support you and I'd hope your mom could as well then
good luck nona, and good luck on the self discovery bit if you've not been able to do so concretely yet
>>44081940
How good you have it in transition or materially? I'd hope you can be stealth one day if that'd help with feeling right

>>44082332
I don't think i'm familiar with the sir thing, but I hope they can get past that, it's bad enough to be surrounded not necessarily reddit, or people you despise but just people you "put up with" in a sense if thats how you see it
hopefully the circumstances could just change though so you'd not have to interact longer than you'd want
>>44082368
Why's that anon?
>>44082549
It's fine, and the longer you wait the worse it is
I'd recommend transitioning now if you can do so as earlier is always better

>>44082438
>>44082482
Thank you both; I hadn't been going to bed but now I think I will
Did some really really stupid shit and I hope it'll be ok, really badly..

>>44073891
my friend says shes dying, i want to belive her but she lies as she breathes, to the point that im not sure if I should take her seriously or not, but shes sent me photos of tubes in her arms, I dont know, my head hurts, I want to belive her because I love her but she lies so often I dont know if I can, maybe shes just trying for attention, but even suggesting that makes me feel sick with the stakes, I really hope shes not just yanking my leash for attention and love, I dont know, maybe shes just leaving me, maybe shes actually dying, I think she might be dying but she lies so often I . I dont know. Im so sorry

>>44074308
i always knew i didnt but i felt it was the price of entry to stop looking masculine, but hrt didnt help me stop looking masculine.