It's been a few days since the last thread. How are you holding up?A thread to vent, have someone to talk to, commiserate, or just post into the void.
>>44183325Moving day was yesterday. The movers cost like triple what I was hoping for. Turns out over ten years of things is a lot of things, so it took a lot longer than I expected. I spent most of today cleaning the place, and collecting the odd items that didn't make it in the moving truck. Decided to make myself some cinnamon toast & coffee before starting, since the food & stuff was all still there. It was the first time in days I've been able to make myself breakfast, since things have been so busy. I sat in the empty kitchen on a folding chair and cried into my toast, realizing it would be the last time I make breakfast there.I cried every time I, out of habit, put an item back where it goes, at the realization that it doesn't really go there anymore. I cried at the framed cut-out map centered on the house hanging on the wall with the word "Home" that a friend made us when we moved in, realizing it was no longer true. Now we're living out of boxes at the new place, as we haven't really had time to unpack much yet. It's been a long week...
>>44183325I'm very close to just giving myself up to the first person who will take me. I'm extremely lonely and just kinda in a bad way and the person I actually want to be with probably won't ever see me that way. Need to get over it. I feel bad thinking about just using someone to get over someone else, but I guess we'd probably just be using each other. Idk what else to do. Well, I do, it's to stop talking to the person I'm into because I can't deal with my own emotions, but I really don't want to
>>44183408I moved a couple months ago and I feel that. I still get up and wonder why I'm not in my room sometimes. It's jarring. I didn't have as much of an emotional attachment to my old place as you do, but I can imagine how much worse it's going for you. It'll be better soon, though. You'll have your places that you automatically put things back to again. I know that doesn't really help now, but it'll be good again, I promise. And if it makes you feel better, I still haven't finished unpacking, either, lmao
>>44183458I think that's pretty understandable. Loneliness really does wear you down after a while. And getting over someone is never easy...Is pursuing platonic friendships an option? It's not exactly a substitute for romantic loneliness, but I find friends can at least help take the edge off.>>44183501Kind words, nona. I think the salt in the wound is the fact that we only sold the house because I lost my job last year, and haven't been able to find anything in my field since. So it's a heaping portion of "I've lost my home" with a generous side of "it's all my fault." :(
I've basically given up hope of ever finding work in my field. I put out job applications here and there but I've been out of school so long and the market is so fucking terrible, especially in my area. It was barely any different during my ill-fated year in washington where i racked up more debts than I want to think about... I hate my current job, I don't know how I'm going to afford July's rent and the month has like 3 more paydays in it; food is so expensive and it's all very overwhelming. Still getting daily texts from my narcissist pill of a parent with jobs that I quietly apply to if I roll the 1/100 odds that they're televant to my skillset and then forget exist, not like I'll ever hear back from 99% of them anyways. I want to burn this fake cardboard cutout world to the ground and roast marshmallows on the flames, but I obviously will not as I have mouths to feed so I simply grin and bear it. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at the guns with an intense longing to put a 9 in my skull. If you need an engineer and can pay hmu ig... I don't do software really but I can do most other things
>>44183594Fuck, I feel every part of this...I got laid off March of last year, and have discovered that choosing the specialty I did and being unwilling to move to Toronto (I'm a Leaf) are apparently the worst decisions I ever could have made for my career. Now that "the pandemic is over," absolutely no one is hiring remote work anymore, every relevant job ad is "hybrid remote" in a city where I am not, 95% of which are Toronto or an outskirt thereof. It's especially galling because I did my job 100% remotely for five years before getting canned, so it absolutely works just fine, but apparently the boomers that be have decided us pesky wagies need to be put back in our places (cubicles). I can't even fucking kink off it because almost none of them even respond to my applications; if you're not going to hire me at least call me a pathetic wage slut or something, jeez.Real talk, though, it's so bad that I've been considering leaving my field entirely, abandoning a 17-year career, because I've apparently pigeonholed myself out of a job. Roasting marshmallows on the ashes sounds pretty good right now.
>>44183542I have platonic friends, but not really any local ones. Just a friend I only talk to at work, I guess. I don't really have anyone local since my family's mostly transphobic. I still see them, but it's not exactly comforting. I just don't get romantically interested in people very often, I think only 4 times in my entire life including this one, (all gone poorly, btw, lol) so it's just really intense. I got over it for a bit, but then she started talking to me more often again and it came back. I feel stupid. Too old to be acting like this, lmao.Regarding your situation, though, I can very much see how that would be as hard as it is for you. I hope you know that like getting layed off isn't your fault. And not being able to find something else is even less so. Employment is hell right now. I'm an actual fuckup and wouldn't have a job if I wasn't a nepo hire, so take it from me, this stuff is not fair. I hope you can shake that feeling eventually and settle in to the new place, it doesn't sound like you deserve to be hurting this bad
>>44183811>Too old to be acting like this, lmao.Heh. You and me, both... There's someone I fell completely head over heels for, who even felt the same way, but... I guess it was just a dream...>I just don't get romantically interested in people very oftenSame, I can count my loves on one hand. Even including the one above.I feel you. It can feel really isolating in situations like that, especially when you're trans. Just, try to reach out to someone in those dark moments? Even a friend can be a lifeline in those times of need. I guess I'm lucky I don't have access to firearms... I'd hate for someone so kind to just be gone for no other reason than a moment of darkness meeting the convenience of means... :(
>>44183896>who even felt the sameWhy didn't that take off, then? That'd eat me alive>Just, try to reach out to someoneDon't worry, I have been. My best friend's been hearing from me nonstop to the point that I've felt bad for her for a while. She always insists that I can talk to her, but it just makes me feel bad dumping stuff on her so often. I hope you have someone like that, too and I hope you don't think about giving up. I don't think I'm particularly kind, but everyone who takes the time to maje these threads just to give some sad people someone to talk to are just about saints, so I hope you know you've got people who care about you, too
>>44184264>Why didn't that take off, then?It did, for a while. They made me happier than I thought I could feel. But they can't get out of their IRL situation, I can't get out of my IRL situation, we were both doing bad from our IRL situations deteriorating, hurt each other, then... one day they stopped saying they loved me. They said it felt cruel to keep me on the hook, knowing we couldn't be. I've been dealing with heartbreak ever since...>I've felt bad for her for a whileI know the feeling. I'd been refraining from reaching out to several friends I hadn't caught up with in a while, since "how are you doing?" is usually followed by a reciprocal question, and I only had bad news to report. It felt like a bad friend thing to bait them into a trauma dump, so I just didn't reach out... :(>I hope you have someone like that, too and I hope you don't think about giving up.Yes and no, I guess. If it were yes, I suppose I wouldn't have picked up the torch of making this thread. As for giving up, I don't think I can. It really occurred to me recently how awful it would be for the handful of people who care about it if I did. I've never wanted to hurt anyone, much less someone I care about, even if it means being hurt myself. So I guess for me the ride never ends, for better or worse.>I don't think I'm particularly kindYou chose to say something nice in a world of vitriol. That's worth more than you think. I just wanted to carry the torch for Puffin, as their kindness helped me.
>>44184264I also meant to say about your friend, maybe try letting them know how much their support has meant to you, and try to engage more with their life? Feeling like one's efforts are appreciated can mean a lot.
i started dating a trans woman and in an effort to never make her feel like i'm shoving her in the 'male role' i've completely taken it on myself. sigh. i'm the only one to text first, ask her on dates, give her flowers, initiate sex, and top. i know she likes me, and i always feel good when we're actually together. still i can't help but feel like all my affection is unreciprocated so she can be a pillow princess
>>44184415I can say that being trans does come with a lot of baggage, but that doesn't mean you & how you feel don't matter. All relationships should be a two-way street. Have you talked to her about it?>tfw no one to treat you like a pillow princess
>>44184459thanks for the response nona. i haven't talked to her about it, no. my logic is that it's potentially psychologically harmful for her to do any of the aforementioned activities in case they cause dysphoria, whereas that's something i don't experience. in that way, it's better for me to just suck it up and do them 100% of the time. and honestly i don't mind it at all (i'm a giver and a lovergirl, what can i say), but the lack of reciprocation makes me feel really, really self-conscious. i would happily make her my pillow princess all the time as long as i knew she wanted me, and wasn't just a passive toy. she's never said no to going out on dates, always responds to text messages, and picks up when i call. i asked her to an event that would involve her meeting basically my entire broader social circle earlier this week, and she seemed so flattered and excited. i'm taking her to her favorite restaurant tomorrow, my treat. that said, i was worried about overwhelming her, so i haven't texted her since we saw each other last. now it's been over two days since i've heard from her at all. i just wonder if she actually wants me, or if she's just bored and happy to let me take the lead.typing it all out like this is making me feel way more dejected and emotional lol and idk if i'm overreacting
>>44184627That does sound tricky. I think what you're trying to do is noble, just don't lose sight of the fact that your needs also matter. I could see letting things go if this hasn't been going on for very long, but if it's been a while it might be worth bringing it up. I think if you frame it as a question asking if she's really happy with how things are, it won't come across as confrontational. It's sweet of you to consider how she might feel about it, in any case. Communication is key, even if it can be hard sometimes. I'm rooting for you. <3
>>44183325>OP pichttps://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nsmvBR37xps
>>44184721Those are some beautifully cynical beats.Time for sleeps. Try to keep the thread warm while I'm gone?
>>44183325i realized pretty recently that i'm probably transgender mtf and im really resentful towards a lot of the people in my life because if things had gone a little differently in my childhood i likely would have experimented more with gender and realized i'm trans sooner.instead i realized that all right after puberty, which completely fucking decimated my body and made it huge and masculine and boxy. i should have seen the signs sooner, i distinctly remember looking at my legs and feeling disturbed at how much they looked like my dad's. or how for years now i've stared at my face in the mirror, intently because i just felt like something was off. but i assumed i was just fat, so i lost weight but only felt more conventionally attractive, i still didnt feel the way i thought i would.it's so disheartening because in hindsight i really could have realized this before i started puberty. i haven't been myself for about ten years, because i wanted to fit in with my peers. then my peers were transphobic and so i repressed (not consciously) and went through puberty. For years i didn't care whether or lived or died, i've done a lot of reckless things, and became the opposite of who i wanted to be when i was younger and more pure-of-heart, but when i think of living life as a woman i don't feel so inherently disappointed with being alive. and i realized that just near the end of puberty.>i felt sad when i lost my high pitched voice as a kid, because i couldnt scream like a girl anymore>i never liked being tall. it always made me feel ogreish, and like it just "wasn't me">when i was 10 i watched a video of a mom and her daughter playing with pony toys on youtube, and cried because i had never experienced that.but instead the people in my life directed me towards masculinity. you're a man, so man up and face life head on. you're a man, you have to fend for yourself and it's a cruel world out there, nobody will love you unconditionally.
>>44184748and i likely wouldnt have realized this if i didnt start balding. because that was the thing that finally clued me in. how fucking pathetic and embarassing. i waited just long enough for my body to be permanently damaged and irreperable without surgery (no surgeries make you smaller!! get fucked!!)but people always told me to be proud of being tall. i tower over EVERYBODY i know. most people's heads reach my shoulders!! nothing can fix that, even if i transition i will NEVER fit in or pass. i could never stealth, i wish i could, but i can't because my moid body is disfigured.i met someone i knew back when i was a kid, and they had transitioned around the time i *could* have realized i was trans, and i tower over them. if i transitioned they would pass better when i'm around because of my hulkish body.its over for me
>>44184390>It did, for a whileI'm almost sorry I asked, that sounds painful. That's really a shame. I hope you're both doing better now. It's really sad that life can just get in the way like that. Realistically, I know the same thing would happen to me if I tried, so I know that must hurt.Regarding my friend, we actually talk every day. I'm not entirely sure our relationship is healthy, but I think we're both happy with it, so it's fine for now. I understand not wanting to talk to people about that kind of stuff. My friend drags it out of me half the time. I'll isolate from everyone else, but she won't really let me.>It really occured to me recently to me how awful it would be for the handful of peopleI'm glad you care enough to be strong for them, but I hope you can live for yourself someday, too :)>>44184410Trust me, she knows. I always make sure to tell her that she's the best friend I've ever had and I try to make sure everything's alright with her. She's one of the best things to ever happen to me
i love him too muchi hate this thing we have i hate that ill always just be a toy for him to play with and discard when he finally gets bored of me it hurts being so close yet so far at the same timewhy couldnt i have been born a real woman?everything would have been different maybe we could have had a future togetheri would have been his loving wife, supporting him through lifes many trials and showing him the joys his previous love who abandoned him could never providei, a nurse, and him, the writer he longs to bewe would have raised three kids togetheri see their faces in my dreamsthe first one would have been a girl, agnes, the second not far from her a boy, theoinseperable the two would have been in their charity and crimes but we would have loved them all the sameand the last estranged from them both a girl draped in our hope the final light our entwinement would sear upon this earth they would look upon her with foreign eyes before accepting her as one of their owncharlotteoh charlotte, how i wish i could have shown you the worldim sorry i couldnt have brought you here please forgive your mother im so sorryi should be going soonfor my last show of love ill make him never forget me
Work's been miserable lately, even have a convict and COs walking around (I work in a psych ward). The other day we have 7 discharges, a few are actually transfers to other units within the ward. Always pisses me off when they do transfers on busy days like that. Shift even starts off real shitty, one patient who has been here a while takes a swing at some staff and they lock him in his room until security comes in 5 minutes later to drag his ass to the padded cell. He's just hammering on that door for an hour at least, so hard you can feel the vibration from down the hall. I see a patient that has been in a few times again in the super schizo unit, bums me out. It always sucks to see the same faces come back in, many of them are older people who don't have much and can't afford their meds or therapy or both once they get discharged. Been finding it hard to sleep at night recently too, to the point I'm just passing out when I get home and not waking up until the wee hours of the next morning. The only silver lining is that my cat loves to sleep with me, so he's always curled up by my side whenever I do just collapse like that. I don't have much else to say, thanks to anyone who cares to read
>>44185047hope your workplace improves going forwards nona, make sure you're getting enough rest and physical activity + vitamins.. a friend of mine was fatigued for a while and it turned out they had low blood iron
>>44183325I haven't been sleeping well recently because of nightmares, which is frustrating since I feel like I've been doing fine otherwise.
I’m so overwhelmed that I’m strongly considering either to rope or to move continents, cut contact with everyone, drop out of my college and give up on my career plans here so I can transition in peace (I have a backup plan there, I just don’t know if I got the energy to start over again, depression is killing me)
i am going to college in two months but in the meantime im staying with my parents and im going madmy mother took me to a dietitian because of constipation problems and there she weighed and measured me and told my mom im underweight. she gave us a very excessive diet for me to gain weight (5 meals a day and almost everything was carbohydrates). as soon as we left i told my mom i wouldnt be doing anything shed told us and she was reluctant at first but said shed "only do somethings". now shes cooking and buying a lot of stuff the dietitian told her and i hate it i am throwing away as much food as i can but it seems i just get fatter and fatter by the day i dont want to lose my silhouette im kinda feminine without hrt and i wanted to start hrt as soon as i get to college and gain weight after several months and i also intended to stay thin so maybe i could get laid with some dude more easily cus i live in a chud town in the middle of chudwheremy mother tells me "a healthy mind in a healthy body" but the thought of being fatter fucks my mind up and it becomes a jumble and i have to cut to stop that feeling. i dont see a finality in gaining weight i feel like a head of cattle being fattened and the finality of that is being sent to the slaughterhouse. i told her i want to focus more on reading and studying and she just told me "why would you study in summer" i hate being in thrall to a couple of philistinesbesides where i live theres an exaggerated amount of noise pollution for such a small town and even when i go to the public library there are groups of people standing outside laughing and yelping like hyenas i need to get out of here now
>>44184855It's okay. Suffice it to say I'm glossing over a lot of "it's complicated," and I cry listening to a lot of love songs now, but I still think it's better to have loved and lost. They made me feel truly seen for the first time in my life. It's just especially sad knowing that meeting them was one in a million, and I'm not going meet a million new people before I die, so the odds are pretty long I'll ever love that hard again.I'm glad your friend knows what she means to you, at least. I guess if you're both happy, what's the harm?
Online friend of 10+ years has stopped talking to me recently - Not fully, but our daily talks changed to me talking and her responding once every 3 few weeks or soShe's not busy because I see her playing games and being online almost every day. My best guess is that she either got tired of me being talentless, or just found more irl friends and no longer needs me. It hurts, but I'm glad I had the privilige to support someone as talented as her. I wi probably kill myself as soon as we stop talking completely
I've got to go do more cleaning all day today, but I want to reply to more of you when I crash for the evening. Hang in there, nonas. Keep the thread fires burning. <3
Dumbass bi guy hereI feel really stupid, I spent like a few hundred and 5 days visiting this really sweet girl last month, just to get ghosted like 2 weeks ago. I think the only thing I wished she would have just said she wasn't interested instead of cutting contact. I even told her I like communication. Like I get we met a few months ago but you told you wanted to be official, kept calling me babe and kept kissing me and stuff...I feel dumb for being all mopey about it, glad I was able to spend time with her and experience some cool things. But current dating culture just suck. Most of the women I really click with just all happen to be autistic transfems and I don't really have much interest in cis women, kinda just don't get me
Making sure OP gets to reply more
one reply to bump them all
Nice to see this; I haven't been posting much so didn't make one>>44184748I'm sorry NonaDo you think, that with having these people in your life push you towards masculinity that transitioning before puberty would have been possible? Or would you likely have been forced to wait regardless? The latter, I'm sorry, that's tragictoo many trannies are socially forced into the roles opposite of themselves and then when they feel major depression, the reasoning isn't clear as they're "doing everything right"I'd realized sooner but with a hyper religious mother and fat right father divorced from one another, it was extremely unlikely to have them both agree to let me transitionbut then there's the idea of having snuck diy, and "if only i'd known about that sooner"There's shears going to be something that would've grab better in hindsight, but for the now I hope that you can try to find some happiness, even if you believe you can never stealth, or pass or anythingstart anti andrigens if you'd likefocus on fixing hairsomething like that potentially>>44184904I hope you haven't done anything nonaleaving would never be a show of loveim sorry you can't have the kids you dreamed of or the life with him you pictured>>44185725Sorry :(I hope the nightmares go awaynot assuming you have ptsd, but maybe related spaces could have helpful tips as they navigate night terrors>>44185741id much prefer the second anon could you finish your degree to make it easier to move and start a new life?
>>44186639Can you try some of the plan? Tell your mother is two separate issues, and you'd rather work on weight laterso for now just focus on high fiber low calories meals without the high carbs like coniferous vegetables and beanshope you can start hrt when you get to college>>44187659Anon, can you instead try to find new friends as well? It's natural to have moved on and meet new people, and some people will go back to those they know10 years would be an awfully long time to end like that, so id hope she wouldn't just stop responding one day>>44187938I'm sorry she ghosted you, I guess that'd be one of the negatives for dating trans women. More likely to have mental issues that cause reclusiveness, avoidance and ghosting others than obsession. I hope you can just find someone who'd like you as you like them>>44192414Sorry for the typos herefar right father * There's always going to be something * androgens*
Yay, the thread's still here. ^ ^>>44184748>>44184772I'm sorry, nona. I think a lot of trans folks who don't get their egg cracked until later in life can identify with how you feel. It's hard not to resent how things panned out, leaving you wondering what could have been. I certainly know how it feels to be tall. "Being tall sucks" has almost become a catch phrase for me, as I often say it whenever my height inconveniences me. If it's any consolation, you know how some trans women go on HRT and shrink? I grew an inch. Fuck me specifically, I guess.I certainly have days when my transition feels hopeless, but all we can do is keep moving forward. Repping doesn't work. Hang in there.>>44184904That's a very bittersweet dream. I hope things work out better than you're expecting with him. I'm not sure leaving would make either of you happier, from the way you've told it. :(>>44185047Sorry to hear work's been so hard. You sound much stronger than me, I don't think I could ever have the fortitude to work somewhere like that.I, too, know the joys of snuggly kitties. I hope he helps you get some good rest, it sounds like you need it.>>44185725That's never fun. :(Are they about something in particular?>>44185741Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. :(What's got you feeling so overwhelmed? Is there anything you can take off your plate to make things more manageable?>>44186639I don't think I know enough about your situation to opine on it, but eating disorders are no joke. Just, please be careful not to go too extreme one way or the other? I hope you get a change of scenery soon to something more suited to you, in any case.>>44187659>I wi probably kill myself as soon as we stop talking completelyPlease don't. :(Why would you being talented or not have any bearing on your friendship?
>>44189888>>44192148>mfwYou guys are sweet. <3>>44192414Yay, Puffin. ^ ^I enjoyed spending time in the last thread so much that I was sad when it died, and spent a few days looking to see if a new one had sprung up. When it didn't, I decided to be the change I wanted to see in the world. <3
>>44192414>>44193137Thank you so much for replying, you have kind soulsHonestly I’m at a state where I’m not even sure what I could do to not feel the burn out. My family puts in a lot of pressure, and even though I started working so I wouldn’t be too dependent on them, I can’t finish college without them and it’s killing me. I can’t go back to HRT as well as long as I have contact with them (I live in another town for uni, but see them constantly). My relationship with them is just killing me desu and idk what to do anymore
>>44193193It can really be tough when the support you depend on comes with strings attached. I take it they're not supportive of you being trans? If you're going to be reliant on their support either way, is cutting back on work hours an option? Working while going to school full time is a lot for anyone to take on. I think if you had to choose between working or finishing college, the latter would be the better bet; some people regret not going to/finishing post-secondary education, but no one wishes on their deathbed that they worked more.
is the gen-alpha gooner clown cartoon actually any good?
>>44183325I had a dream last night that a customer at work clocked me and got angry and called me a faggot. Which is kinda weird because I've never actually experienced anything even remotely similar in my tranny life.
I had a very similar situation recently to some anons here in the thread here. I got really close to a cis guy over the net a while back, we chatted back and forth for only about a month and a half, and we got really into each other. it was very intense, considering im about 2 years out of my last relationship, which lasted 5 years. he said all the right things to me, all very quickly and rushing in, and i think in post im the one who started it all as well. I have a knack for opening people up, so when he shared a little bit of his issues, his shame and his family situation, i really, REALLY fell for him. He reciprocated, but he also shared his history of just abandoning people, and so i got scared. He initially just wanted a hookup, but he always toyed around with the idea of more, and i had no issue with a hookup to begin with, but he had already said he leaves people, and i was afraid he would just screw me and leave, and i didnt want that. I wanted him to stick around, i wanted him. and so i kept him around on my discord, and he started to chat less and less, until he was just dead silent, and i went crazy from it, and said and did things i shouldn't have done. i felt i had to. i still justify it to myself now. he didnt have to go absolutely silent, it was like this person i knew had just turned themselves into a statue. i couldnt speak to them anymore, nothing went through. i am a bit crazy, i have clung hard to people and i have fucked up tremendously from these things, at the same time i'm working on it, and i dont feel its bad to want or even demand some form of communication when the other person just doesnt want to speak. "Hey, im sorry, but im low energy right now, maybe for a while, ill message you when I'm ok". If i am being selfish in asking for that, then let me be selfish. I only ever wanted to be there for him, because he started to be there for me. I'm sorry M. I wish I could have been exactly what you needed. I hope you come back someday.
>>44193275...Do you mean The Amazing Digital Circus...? If so, then yes. ^ ^;>>44193311Oof. I guess nightmares are often a reflection of our anxieties. I'm surprised I haven't had any dreams like that, come to think of it...>>44193329I'm sorry, nona. I guess lost love is kind of a theme around here...There's nothing wrong with wanting that kind of connection with someone. "Hurt people hurt people" is a phrase that's been floating around in the back of my head for a while now...
got dropped from my class (summer semester so no more college) & now im stuck inside again doing the same shit over and over again dealing with a shit familytrying to get an interview anywhere but i got moved out of the city & now live in buttfuck nowhere thats car dependent (& i have no car) i still cant do an interview because i get too anxious & scared so i cant even get a retail job but im trying to work on thatthe only place that could hire me (amazon) i cant even work there until october (got fired cause i was tarded) so im losing hope honestlynot all of it though because at least im on injections now & they're cost effective so thats kind of helping my headspace (& my weed but thats almost out)i dont feel that much joy outside of laughing at stupid shit & most things i liked are boring to me nowbut i have nothing else to do except have suicidal ideations & i cant kill myself (yet) so im just going to do anything before like 50
>>44193436I don't regret it though. I think I reached ego death in part due to him ghosting me like that. He didnt delete me, just stopped chatting altogether. I went mad from it, or my ego did i think, and i eventually crashed out hard with myself. In post, I realize I have a tremendous amount of issues. For starters, with the quote you mentioned, at the end I was hurting him by judging him far more than anyone should have, its a terrible flaw of mine. I judge immediately from the start of knowing someone. I have told someone else once that I think i am like a stray dog that will bite any hand that feeds me. I dont want to be like that, and I know he didn't want to be like what he presented to me, either. In the end, I just couldn't handle what he had to do and so I lashed out. I was anxiously attached to him, and he is an avoidant, and i just dont have the patience for that. I wish i did. I wish he could've stayed. I read up on so much psychology on the whole thing too as it ended and after, not just to see what was up with him, from what he told me, but also with myself. I would approach it entirely differently now, and i wouldn't want a different outcome, I needed that ego death, but I know he doesnt want to speak to me at all, or it just wouldnt be the same. At the end, he did reach out again, after i contacted the ex he spoke so much about. It already set off the anxieties in my head, so i spoke to him, and the ex basically confirmed its a pattern the guy had repeated with him long before, and he just did it again with me. The original guy i was pining for, he showed up again to text me very angrily about me reaching out. I had to. I was worried for him, and that ex was a close friend of his that he would never abandon. I reached out knowing he wouldnt want to talk to me ever again, if it meant someone close to him knew what was going on, and they could help him with that, if he ever became open to it. I loved him, i was willing to do that for him.
>>44193497Sorry to hear things have been going so badly for you. :(I know it's shitty, but getting interviews for the practice can help in the long run, even if they're not going to pan out. I certainly know what it's like to lose hope about it, though. Hang in there, nona.>>44193513I realized from my recent heartbreak that I have issues, too, but I also don't regret it. They made me happier than I thought I could feel, the only person to ever make me happy cry. Even if the sorrow of the loss was all I had, I'd still think they were worth it.The irreconcilable thing with us was they're poly and it turns out I really am not. I used to think I was open to the idea of it, but after I fell so completely for them, I couldn't stop myself feeling jealous when they doted on others, which happened quite a bit. I brought it up with them several times, but in short, they didn't see it as a reason to be upset. They felt I viewed love as a zero-sum, but I think the way we experienced love really is just different, maybe incompatible. My heart couldn't take it every time they'd go flirting with others, so I ended up having to leave all the spaces we shared to avoid the spirals it caused. I've been extremely lonely ever since. I lost them, and lost a bunch of friends by extension. I wish I could just be okay with it, but I can't.
>>44193622I dont think you should be okay with it, personally. It seems to me like behavior like that: you established a boundary and they didn't agree with it, means they viewed your love as something to keep in their back pocket. In some small ways, my guy was similar to that, too, in his own ways. I don't regret it but i wish things were different. I wish things could have worked out, cause outside of our issues we held all the right cards for each other. Things just ended so abruptly. I miss him, despite what he did at the end I really do. Theres a thing i researched that i think he and i went through, called limerence, where you build up a fantasy version of the other person in your head. I went through mine with him, when he dropped me i was yanked out of it hard for a moment. I was angry with him. Really pissed off. But then i saw all his flaws, and the real human being i was speaking to, and i realized i still loved him. That's why i chose to do what i did. I deleted him, didnt block but did unfriend, leaving the door open if he wanted to change. I spoke to his ex and thats the last i heard from him. He made it sound like i abandoned him, so he doesn't see my side of it. That's sad for me, cause im watching him delete all his other accounts, and im worried he might never change, not even for me but for someone else. I hope he does. Even if he hates me i want him to be happy with himself.
I discovered that I have the name Blanchard in my family tree, it goes back 7 generations starting from one of my great great grandmothers. I'll never be able to look at that neutrally after this fucking board
>>44193652I think I tried to see them for what they were. I knew they were flawed, and knowing what they've been through it's no wonder. But I think my desire to see the real them, to understand them, is part of why they fell for me too. I think they were very used to being rejected for who they were. They're probably the most complicated person I've ever known.Ultimately, though, I think you're right; I had a boundary, and they just couldn't honor it, I think because they couldn't understand it. But I had to remove myself from those spaces for my own mental well-being. Crying so hard that my abs were sore the next morning from one of the spirals they caused was probably the point were I knew I'd have to leave. I just really, really didn't want to. I tried to hang on. I missed them before I was even gone. I miss them all the time.I came across a meme the other day that read "Trust the overthinker who says they love you. They've thought of every reason not to and they still do." I wish I could send it to them...>>44193737Sorry to hear it. I can certainly understand feeling uneasy with that knowledge. But, it's not that uncommon a name, and a rose by any other name, and all. It doesn't mean you have anything in common with the infamous one.
>>44193752Haha I looked it up and found out that the infamous Ray Blanchard's father is my "8th cousin twice removed". Genealogy is funny.
>>44193797Well then. ^ ^;I still stand by my last point. Just don't go publishing any bunk research that discredits the trans experience and you'll have successfully not followed in your bloodline, I guess.
>>44193872Now I'm kinda curious just how many trannies he has very distant relation to. I bet there are more than we'd think!
>>44193752Yeah. I still think about my equivalent very heavily, nona, its very sad, and im sorry you've had to go through something similar. Looking back, i had every reason not to trust him, he even warned me himself, and i still pursued because i saw the real him. I just hope he realizes that someday, even to just come back and say "fuck you" to my virtual face. Sending you love over this hellspawn website, and i hope you get over it, as you should, with time, Honeydew.
>>44193893Small world, it is. I wonder if he'd be as embarrassed about it as ol' Musky.>>44193981I've just kind of accepted that the universe wants me to suffer. I expect I'll pine for them forevermore. But, thank you for the kind words. I hope you get to reconnect with your lost love some day, too.Time for sleeps. Tomorrow's going to be another endlessly busy day for me, so don't forget to feed & water the thread while I'm away. Goodnight, nonas.
>>44187613I was gonna reply again, but didn't want to take any more attention away from other people, lol. I at least wanted to say thanks for talking with me and I hope you can get those 1 in a million odds again :)
>>44184748>>44184772>>44192414I think if I had learned I was trans, and had chosen different friends (and if the internet algorithm didnt send me down the alt-right pipeline as a young teen), that I could have convinced my parents to let me transition/get on blockers.My mom's always made it clear that she thinks I'm queer. I assumed it's because I never had a girlfriend or sm but I wonder if the vibes she always got were indicators I was trans? It's weird because I've never presented as anything but cismale and she'd randomly go "I'll support you, no matter who you marry.". I'm not into men so there is a chance she was just wrong, but maybe it was just an early sign I could have latched onto.I plan on saving up money for a hairtransplant to be honest. I'm still young and I have good donor areas I'm sure. Either way it's at least a few years out from now which is not something I'm looking forward to.>>44193137I don't intend on repping, I just don't know if I have the drive to transition. I feel like my ideal scenario is too far away. We cringe on though i guess.I'm also pissed that I realized now. Because last year I first started genuinely considering that my mind didn't match my body. But I STILL didn't take it seriously enough. The first time I remember feeling gender euphoria(?) was when I wore makeup nearly THREE years ago. Why did I wait?? Why didn't I manage to realize this sooner?? I was so close!! These last three years have changed my body too so it's not an irrelevant amount of time either.Oh well, I just need to:-Lose weight-Get a job to afford hrt/finaesteride-Voicetrain-Exercise-GirlmaxxMaybe someday I'll be happy with where I am.
I don't know if this is the new normal or if it will pass like the dyphoric episodes before. It's never lasted this long before or been this intense. Still, some days have been less bad than others... I think if I actively tried I could go back to repping, but I see clearly now where that road leads and it's not a good destination or as distant as I thought. Nevertheless, I'm scared to take that first step towards real positive change.
I need a cis lesbian to physically and emotionally abuse and hold me so badly
>>44184415update on this, we went on the date and it went well. she's with me at my house right now getting ready for bed. i think i just don't know how to cope with the fact i'm falling for her since i haven't loved anybody in many years. wish i could be normal about anything. alas
>>44194622Same, fuck. Cis not required for me, though
If I ever win the lottery, I'm gonna spend a shitton of money to have a magical girl show made where the cast consists of punk rock girls who are college students by day, and magical girl revolutionaries by night, taking out strongmen and corrupt politicians instead of magical monsters and stuff
>>44194743I'm rooting for you! ^ ^>>44194165You should just reply anyway. Thank you for the kind words. <3
Is anyone else bothered when a lesbian is depicted as basically like being a hairless man. Why does every lesbian couple have to have a butch in it
>>44192490Thank you, I got the feel that she might not be mentally stable but still holding out a little hope she'll reach back out because I truly enjoyed her company. Like she even cooked me super yummy food and did my laundry when I was visiting, she really made a good impression on me. A friend did tell me she probably love bombed me but she doesn't seem like that kind of person
>>44183325I'm an alcoholic and I'm gonna have to go to rehab and cut ties with everyone
>>44194495With the benefit of hindsight, there were signs growing up I was trans. But I was never given the language to articulate how I felt, and got implicitly or explicitly steered away from being feminine whenever it came up, because I was supposed to be a boy. I didn't get my egg crack for real until I was 32. Don't beat yourself up for not picking up on it sooner, sometimes we're just not given what we need to figure it out.>>44195753I'm into it. I'm imagining Madoka Magica meets Captain Planet.Well, toiling break over, back to the toil. Hang in there, nonas. I'll be back as soon as I can.
>>44194570The first step is the hardest, but I believe in you. It sounds like you already know what you need to do, so all I can say is you should go for it. Things do get better. <3
>>44196549I guess tropes are tropes for a reason, but I didn't think it was all that egregious. But I guess most fictional lesbians I know of are from yuri, so maybe I'm biased. ^ ^;>>44196706Sorry to hear that, nona. I hope you can stay strong. :(
yay my fav thread. hello puff and honeydew :)im doing way better i just feel crazy manic all the time now. idk what thats called or if it counts if it lasts months on end? i feel so much better when i exercise like 12 hours a day but i cant do that lol. i went to the skatepark at like 1 am after work the other day. some of my coworkers are getting a little pissy that im outperforming them. its kind of embarrassing and im not trying to be a suck up im just so fucking bored i want to die when theres not a lot of work to do and its not like management hasnt told us to move around and pick up slack but i guess im just being a but excessive. its not really getting to me as much as when people i actually like shit talk me but this lazy little fucker is going around gossiping to people in another language about how "fast" i am thinking i cant understand, or that i cant tell from his body language. like half our staff stands around chatting and doing absolutely fuck all for multiple hours of their shift and im getting crap for doing my job, and yours? like if im taking your hours or something just say so and ill stop immediately, i get it, but thats not the case. if anything im making his job easier hes just like the laziest person in the building so it looks bad for him, but idk why he cares if hes so "networked" that he chats with every manager for 30 min each and goes on random walks. i honestly dgaf just let me put in my headphones and get into flow state.
