As a repressor, I basically never get to be authentic for my whole entire life. Not one moment. I am going to be lying on my death bed thinking to myself:>"Nice job dude! No one even knew you were a tranny the whole time lol!"If I'm lucky and I get to die peacefully with friends and the family around me, these may well be my final thoughts. I will look around at these people, look into their eyes, knowing that I lied to all of them and that their image of me is fundamentally incomplete. Put way gayer: they never knew the real me.I don't really believe in woo shit, so this could literally be my one try at living a life. There I will be, at the end of it, and I wonder if it's even possible that I won't have SOME regrets. Still, I fundamentally feel like I'm making the right decision...I guess.I just feel like a completely wasted life. Like what was the point? I've already decided I can't do the one thing that might have made life more bearable. It's over. I'm basically a dead man walking. Fucking bleak lmao
knowing what you know nowchoose to regret your entire life on your deathbed an old manor choose to try and feel happiness at least once before you goi trooned out when i had the same realization as you a long time ago
>>44208929>I basically never get to be authentic for my whole entire lifeas a 6 year hrt manmoder, i can confirm that trooning did not help with this, it actually made it a lot worse lolmaybe some people are just never meant to be themselves
>>44208960why are you a manmoder?
>>44208960this feels like a pascal's wager sort of thing where i'm better off at least taking a chance then settling into certain doom, even though i'm probably fucked regardless
>>44208929I like being a repperI don’t want to be the real methe real me is awful
>>44208974idk its too humiliating to actually girlmode in any non plausibly deniable way. I used to just be a le heckin boymoder and assumed I would 'grow out of it' and start passing or feeling like a woman one day and now im almost 30 LMAO. Im probably just a gay m but with a weird complex where i hate looking male and hate attracting other gay men. But i dont really feel like a woman its just closer to what i feel like than a real actual man. idk. But i have to keep up some illusion of it (barely) because i live with my bf. But before anyone spergs out at me trust me i am 100% a manmoder idk how it works either. maybe im just actually like completely brain broken at this point idk. i just hope i never have to see anyone and that if i do that they dont gender me. but i dont correct anyone regardless. I guess if i was prettier, younger, and had a spine i would not be a manmoder but that just isnt the reality now. >>44208979if you have the courage yeah might as well do it. Im a pussy and im afraid to do anything so it makes sense id be afraid of that level of attention and embarassment risk. But its like if you aren't like that then what would you really lose by trooning?
>>44208929There's less value to authenticity than people give it. I think it's easier than people realise to let trooning go and just enjoy life on your terms. Who are you performing to except yourself.
I am too, carrying a cross , like sissyphus. I am too, a coward, that can't stop.Death will come, and we will not be freed from it, because we will not know. Should we be brave and discovert new pains. Or continue till the end.Thus is our journey.
You're all depressing ass cowards. Just fucking do it.Worried you'll burn bridges? They're built on fake foundations if you're not honest.We're born and then we die, that's all that we can be certain of, so at least do what you can to make the ride enjoyable.
>>44208929I don't even know who I am anymore. Whoever my authentic self was has died a long time ago. I don't think I could ever recover myself if I could. I'm a wandering shell of a man without purpose. Ive lost the will to care anymore.>>44212281Even if I tried my best, I'd end up a hideous freak shunned from everyone. Might as well be a depressed man then a depressed and socially isolated monster that everyone thinks is a pervert
>>44211887yeah man totally haha
>>44208929as they sayyoloyou wasted it away for no fucking reason at allyou deserve better than that
>>44208929how old are you? there's still time
I repressed for years. I couldn't do it any more and came out. I don't regret it at all. Lots of people treat me worse but I still don't regret it at all. At least just find one true friend that you can talk about it with. Even after I did only that I started to feel so much better.
Counterpoint from someone who detransitioned:You are not your internal sense of self at least not fully. You are also the impressions you make on other people, and what in general is remembered of you. No one can know someone's "true" authentic self. When you die, people remember the image you internally constructed.I detransitioned because transition didnt reverse my diffuse thinning balding, and I realized the hits to my social like that'd happen with my family and friends.My mom asked me flat out while i was closeted "are you trans?" And then i denied it and said "i really hope not. You would be an ugly woman" and it broke my soul and at that point I realised neither my family nor career will ever take me seriously if I fully commit to transition. My friends might, sure, but fuck that broke my soul deeply. No point transitioning after that when it doesnt even fix my baldness lmaoI also realized aftrr a point it would really harm my professional capacities. We unfortunately live in the equivelant of similarly dystopic times for previous minorities. Trans people are the latest go, ugly trans women cant pass stealth anymore, and my life is overs.Besides: to the people it matters, my friends, i can just be a theymab male not on HRT. All my trans friends consider me trans (and technically nonbinary people are transgender anyways; you dont have to commit fully to being transsexual and taking HRT.)
>>44212281but I am a depressing ass coward
>>44208929literally me
>>44208929You really want to be a man this bad but yet you can't live up to your image what a real man is and that's your central problem
>>44208929imagine that happened and you were given a second chance, took it, and appeared exactly where and when you are now. would you do it all again? you don't have to commit to transitioning but it's obvious taking estrogen would be good for you.
>>44213227>transition didnt reverse my diffuse thinning baldingAFABs wear wigs when they roll craps in the genetic lottery. AFABs wear wigs and pretend they're not wearing wigs, because hair is outrageously important to their self image. A surprising amount, more than you'd think, wear wigs. They buy wigs and then have a beautician cut and style them to their face.
>>44213227imagine giving up because of a simple thing when you could've just worn a wig and then philosophizing the whole thing dumbass
>>44208991I felt this way until having a highly embarassing, months-long nervous breakdown last year, one so bad that i just baaaaaaarely avoided getting fired and evicted. It turns out maybe I can't just grin and bear it after all. Like, I totally lost control of my mind and was doing like, John 50 shit (not the gooning you pervs). It scared the fucking shit out of me. I think I may be ACTUALLY driving myself insane repping, which I used to think was just pinkpiller hyperbole. Basically, it's over.
>>44213227i think there is some inherent value in living a life with minimal artifice. keeping secrets often just makes me feel shitty and ruins my ability to ever simply "let go" and enjoy life, but still idk if it's truly worth trooning out over.
>>44215004for crying out loud, stop hurting yourself!
>>44213361ok but i did already try gymcoping and it made me feel a million times worse
>>44208929Idk how you people don't just kill yourselveseither larp or i just don't get it
>>44215048>exercising as a repper>intentionally releasing growth hormones that masculinize your body fasterkek
>>44208929I think what you need is the experience of coming out, to at least one person you think will be supportive of it, before you go. I'm not blind to the dangers in this administration and this social landscape, but don't you want to be your authentic self at least once before your time? You might need it to keep going if it's eating you up this way.
>>44215059this sum jax shit fr
>>44215071Well yeah, if Jax let that happen they wouldn't have abstracted.
>>44215093but didn't jax tell pomni right before becoming totally abstracted?
>>44215471There was no coming back from abstracting. Before Pomni ever got to meet Jax under the lamplight, Jax was already, metaphorically, overdosed or bleeding out.
>>44215051Because is hard to kill yourself retard.You may have no reason to live and be fully convinced of suicide and still not do it.
>>44208929I went on blockers before male puberty
>>44215808yay good for you
>>44208929There are multiple yous you can repress The you to yourselfThe you to societyAnd the you to your loved ones You repress all of them, but you can always only repress one or two, what do you think manmoders do? Theyre no more honest to their families and society but at least they can bear to look at the mirror a bit more, and maybe eventually pass if theyre aiming for FFS thanks to their superior job opportunities I guess it wont make you a truecel tho or whatever imaginary trophy you use to feel better about denying yourself lifeMe personally i try to hide from society >>44208979Theres sacrifices but it is worth a shot, even if we still repress to a degree though not in the total sense of OP and most self identified repressors And its scary, i understand feeling paralyzed because i used to be there, maybe were all delusionalT. Manmoder that binds >>44212281I am a coward nonaIts hard to get over it though, i live in a very rural place, and sometimes it doesn't feel safe to step out of gender roles, and it hurts to know that cause gender roles are this horrible coercive thing but theyre also everywhereThere is no winning for me, i just need to be more brave and maybe let myself experience a bit more joy, even if its hidden from the prying eyes of the state and the people who reinforce what normal means
Who are you Who am I?is it real Do we touch the sky?Nothing's real - all disguiseSaid the birds of paradise.
