I'm so fucking tired by my life, all i do is rot alone in my home and think about this shitAm i allowed to be a tranny with all of these? am I even a tranny, genuinely how do I know for sure? please i need help or I feel like i'm gonna kms in the next year> almost no signs> haven't "always known" I'm trans since like 7 years old> didn't and dont "feel" like a woman, whatever that means> mild dysphoria pre hrt, not even sure if any honestly> weird feeling when I'm seen as a woman by myself and others, like a purely physical feeling/discomfort in my stomach> all the fetish shit that I now find disgusting> I'm way more depressed on hrtbut also> more dysphoria after starting hrt> I want to transition consciously> it doesn't always hurt when seen as a man, but always stings, feels wrong> imagining aging into a man makes me sick> I used to have stronger euphoria, not anymore last time I felt euphoric was when my mom gave a gift that's typically given to women like a week ago and i cried in her arms> I hate looking at my ugly moid face> I hate my height, shoulders, ribcage, feet, hands> i get so envious of luckshits and youngshits> sometimes hate my dick> cut myself 3+ times because of feeling like shit and just to have proof that what I felt was realI genuinely don't know what I am, why do I want to be a woman so much even if I get that weird feeling? I'm scared that feeling is reverse dysphoria. I've been questioning again for 3 months and I've been on hrt for 7 months. How do I know I'm not faking my dysphoria and euphoria and not repressing reverse dysphoria? I'd be fine if i didn't have that weird feeling in my stomach and i don't know how to get rid of it. I think it might be shame or a trauma response, but how the fuck do i figure this out?
>>44214550do u need someone to talk to ?
>>44214550>waaa waaa waaa waaadoesn't matter, shut up and take you pills. swap to shots for better levels and a more stable mood.
>>44214562yea...>>44214563I'm on injections already
>>44214550Take LSD or any drug you think will give you some revelation about your life or whatever or become a junkie
>>44214573i've taken shrooms before and that's how I made the decision to go on hrt, it helped me realize that I'm just a piece of flesh and I can mold that flesh into whatever I want
>>44214565if u wanna talk to someone i've been a tranny for over 6 years and i can understand a lot of what ur going through...
>>44214581did you go through something similar? basically my main thing is now to get ridd of that discomfort I feel when being seen and seeing myself as a woman. I think I've got a lot of shame and self hate, but how do I know for sure? Also I think I might have trauma because of my father. I just have to make sense and get rid of that feeling in my stomach and finally let myself be a woman
>>44214565I'm sorry. you're obviously at least somewhat trans given that you don't like your own masculine physical attributes. I can only draw on my own experience, but do you think your feelings of discomfort might be driven by the fact that passing as a woman isn't something you can achieve consistently and that it means you're probably being identified as a trans woman by randoms in public, even when manmoding.
>>44214590i was too ashamed to present as a woman for literal years even after being on hrt and having surgery, i know what u mean when u say that stomach feeling
>>44214593>being identified as a trans womanI think this is true, I don't think I pass, but have malefailed a couple of times. I just find the fact that someone would know I'm a tranny fucking repulsive.>>44214602I'm out to my mom and she's never even seen me in a fem outfit, only slightly fem tshirts and shorts. I'm just so morbidly scared she's gonna think I'm a freak.>i know what u mean when u say that stomach feelinghonestly this made me tear up that someone went through the same thing
>>44214616>someone would know I'm a tranny fucking repulsiveI have this even with other trannies that I'm out to irl, doesn't happen online for some reason tho. My guess is that's because they cant see my moid face and body.
>>44214550Those feelings are all pretty common I think. I don't know the answer, it's not like I've got any of this shit figured out, but the thing I'm working on at the moment is instead of focusing on the trans thing, focus on the who you are thing. Actually figure out what your identity as a woman is, and that's hard. It's a long journey, and it takes a lot of work. Especially when you're a westerner and you get a very narrow spectrum of womanhood from culture, while at the same time it seems to be a constantly moving target, it's very hard to focus on the idea of you being just you. But I think for trans women it's a necessary struggle, you've shed your false male persona, and perhaps in its place you've adopted a false female persona beliving that's what you have to do to earn your trutrans status, but you actually don't. Think about the alternative if you fail to live up to girlbrain standards, whatever the fuck those are this week, is there a comittee that's going to kick you out of being trans? Because that would be amazing, being trans sucks. So it's not exactly a credible threat, even if someone was actually making it, which they aren't. When you come to transition as an adult you're always going to be carrying a lot of trauma, and that trauma has been telling you who you are for a long time. But who are you underneath that? Who's the girl who never got a real shot? Who's the girl who wasn't told she was a boy and expected to act like one her whole life? Who really are you when there's no one else around? Honestly I find anime really helpful as a way to detox from the western crap. Anime really presents and explores the idea that there are many different ways to be a girl, and none of them are more valid than another. Are you the smart one? The funny one? The cute one? The crazy one? The one with a temper? The cool one? And you don't have to pick one, you can be a combination of any of these things, or you can come up with your own thing.
>>44214550>>44214915 (cont)And you're not supposed to just know this. How could you? It's okay to try on costumes to feel which one feels right for you. And if you try on enough costumes eventually you'll find the one that's not a costume, it's just you. And if you really think about it that's all transition really is, it's just giving yourself permission to be you. So all of the bullshit about what the criteria are for trutrans of faketrans, girlbrain or malebrain, that's the exact opposite of the point to transitioning in the first place. And it's not always going to be good, the things you learn about yourself now that you're allowing yourself to be yourself, aren't always going to be things you like. Maybe you're a bit of a bitch, maybe you're a downer, maybe you lie too much, maybe you're a bit of a doormat, maybe you've got shit taste, but it doesn't matter because that's still you and you're allowed to be those things. It's not illegal or anything. So who are you when there's nobody else around?
>>44214915>>44214927wow this is a lot, thanks for saying all thatI guess I would be a 70% tomboy and the rest is something more girly. The thing is being like that is scary because it leaves me open and vulnerable to people not seeing me as a woman.
