I dont think i was ever actually happy. Just briefly distracted at best.Before i seriously considered this tranny shit i think i was just fine with that. Having no friends, just distracting myself with movies, games, youtube and other stuff with a bit of studying for school thrown in while remaining a complete shutin.Then i found out about trans stuff. And for some delusional reason came to believe that this might be it. That maybe this is what i was missing and why the best i could ever do was just to distract myself.I somehow managed to delude myself into thinking that, maybe, if i was a girl, id care about myself and my life. And would want to actually do things and be present as a real person.Coward that i am i do nothing with that for years on end, just daily ruminating on whether i actually am trans or not. Around year 5 this turns into regret and resentment, why didnt i at least try it, why did i waste so much time, im such a coward i would never be able to transition even if i was trans.Thru a couple of mechanisms i wont get into i finally end up on E 7 years after first seriously considering if im trans, this was late last year.And at first its great, it feels like im finally doing something, like for the first time in years i can wake up and hate my body less than the day before. This only lasts about 2 months.
Since then im constantly in my own head about whether im actually just cis and will regret this, especially growing breasts. More frustratingly this is around 50/50 with also liking the results, and being happy with my looks occasionally for the first time in my life. But that just means my head is constantly buzzing with contradicting thoughts and feelings.The worst part is: I cant even fucking distract myself anymore, everything feels boring now. Im also out of schooling for good now (finished university), which means there is no school stuff to be done to distract myself. And having to find a job which is insanely demoralizing. My optimism around maybe not hating myself if i was a girl is largely gone too. Life just sucks and i hate myself, no matter if male or female or anything else.So despite sometimes also liking what i look like now, im probably the most depressed and disassociated ive ever been.And it just feels like this is the natural conclusion to my life. I distracted myself 24/7, when that started to get hard i latched onto some pipe dream of being trans in the deluded hopes itd fix me. And when the pipe dream alone no longer sustained me i had to go and try it, and once my delusions wore off i realized that i dont actually know what i want or what i am. Because i never did, i just distracted myself from being alive.The facade is dropping now and im realizing im genuinely not a real person. Everything before that was just a cope to pretend my personhood was hidden under something else. But theres just nothing. I wish i could redo my life and become a real person, but i dont even know what id do differently.It kinda just makes sense my life would end around now. Sorry for appropriating your guys' real medical condition, and ig sorry for pumping the statistics up if i ever get the courage to kms like i want to rn.
>>44217436>late last year.So it hasn't actually been one year yet? I would give it more time. You sound young and there is so much more to experience in this life. I think you just need to get over the initial hump.
i know this is gonna sound lame or whatever and im just some anon but please just try to hold on for a little while longer. Try something new or hang out with friends just for a little while longer I almost took my life earlier this year but even though things are still difficult it can get better.
>>44217436Please just don't kill yourself, there are people who care about you and there is a way forward. I sincerely believe that there is a path to happiness for everyone and judging by the fact that you recently finished uni, you still have a fuck ton of life ahead of you to find happiness.I remember feeling like this and having similar thoughts and what helped me was basically baptism by fire. I forced myself to girlmode even when my passing wasn't great. Being around other trans people and other people in general helped me immensely.I know it's scary to girlmode and show yourself and it'll hurt, but it is what helped me and I believe it might help you too.
>>44217436>>44217441You and I are t so differentIt was 10 years of inaction for me and now 3 years on hrt Im certain it’s all fake a facadeI will die like this, I reckon But Im not dead yetDifference between us, is that I did it for the fetish. Abd it bever even felt good. I hate myself
>>44217493>I would give it more time.Its been over 9mo now, a year is not so far away and my mood has been more or less like what i described for the past 7 months or so.> You sound youngIm not, im 25 and i hate how i wasted my youth in so many ways instead of doing anything with it.Might just sound young due to being developmentally stunted from isolation and retardation desu.> I think you just need to get over the initial hump.I used to hope that it was just that too. But im starting to think im just not trans and just stupid and blamed a general dissatisfaction with life on being trans cuz i just autistically was a bit gnc or sth (but no real gender dysphoria). And i will have to now deal with detransiiton and getting my gyno chopped off.
>>44217519>>44217794> dont kill yourselfUnfortunately i have to tell you that i probably wont. I really sometimes feel like now is a sensible time to. But given my previous inaction, cowardice and hesitance to commit to anything or trust my own judgement:I probably dont have it in myself to actually go through with it.Eventho now i sometimes wish i did more than ever.Instead idk, ill prob curl up into a ball and try to forget i exist or sth. Maybe detransition/stop hrt for a month or two in the hopes itll make me more miserable and force me to get back on E.Or ill bury my head in the sand, through some miracle survive, and then be back on my gender bs when im fucking 30+ or whatever and maybe (re)transition then.
>>44218074Not to besn asshole but 25 is young. Im pushing 40 rn. You gave plenty to look forward to. You have to try at least. But maybe your right about being trans anyway. I disagree about wasting you life tho
>>44218191>stop hrt for a monthThis is a rare case where I actually think it'd might help you. One scenario is that you hate it and come back on E and be sure and other is you'll know you're cis, even tho I don't think you are. I don't know if you're on injections, but if you're not then switch to injections. I don't care how, get your levels stable before or after the 1 month break. It would be good for you to try girlmoding too.
>>44218274well worst case is tho that I'm in some awkward middle state then still. somewhat tempted to go back on E but also not convinced I'm trans.in fact I kinda tried stopping before and got back on it after 8 days. not cuz I was certain i was trans or cuz I hated the effects of stopping (barely anything happened in that short timespan).but because I had another moment of just being really happy with how I looked from the hrt changes (esp face skin and, in that moment, breasts). so I kinda just thought "fuck it, I seem to like this, why stop?" and went back on it again.> injectionsI'm on gel + t blockers (cypro)
>>44218515get off cypro, that shit made me so depressed even at a low dose. It might help you, or at least maybe give you a clearer mind.
>>44217794>I know it's scary to girlmode and show yourself and it'll hurt, but it is what helped me and I believe it might help you too.Idk, the issue is also that im not even sure im trans.Im not sure i ever had dysphoria, and im not sure i ever super badly wanted to be a woman or super badly hated being a man. This is the kinda shit that makes me feel crazy and like i shouldnt have even let myself get this far into trans stuff.On the other hand i used to (and still do but less often and severe maybe) get super envious of pretty women (esp trans but cis too).Plus ofc now that im on E i do kinda like my body more than i ever have before. Pre 2mo on E i never took pictures of myself and purposefully avoided mirrors. Now i take a picture of myself near daily cuz i kinda liked what i look like in that moment.Esp the skin and face changes from hrt have been super great for me, i sometimes like my face now, before i think i never did (tho i barely looked at it to begin with). Breasts are a mixed bag, i flip between being neutral, a bit negative and sometimes positive on them. I like that they give me more curves, but sometimes im not so sure about them, esp in like an ergonomic sense and how they feel when my hands randomly brush up against them.
>>44218852you don't have to be trans to girl mode, just do it and see how you fwel
>>44219275Im lowkey scared tho i just wont feel anything. Also the issue with girlmoding is that idfk what even counts. And if i do want to be more female then id prefer to err on the side of androgynous clothing/presentation while still coming across as fem.
>>44217821Im sorry your transition went so bad :c.How did u do it for 3 years tho? Did you do it in spite of thinking it might be wrong? Or did you only start to think so more recently?
>>44217436bpd ahh tron
