>>44224676
It was that or another suicide attempt.

Still worth it, being a struggling tranny is still better than being a dissociated repper

yeah i know. i’m a pretty selfish person so i did it anyway

>>44224676
You are only guaranteeing your misery if you don't try and will end up spending the rest of your life wondering what could have been. Even if transitioning somehow goes poorly for you its not like things were going to get better repping till you die miserable. One option at least has a CHANCE of making your life better so go for it

>>44224917
I understand, but I'm still counting on fixing the root cause of why I feel this way. I really think that transitioning should be the last option after you exhaust every possibility of making your brain fit your body, since you'll never really change your body anyway.

>>44224676
my life is way better now and i don't think your statements about estrogen destroying my body are correct

>>44224676
I'm 20+ years into hrt and in excellent health.
The earlier you transition, the less of the "lose everything and start over" fallout you have to deal with.
Yes, everyone who knew me pre-transition that still knows me says I'm a different person in most ways. My dad actually told ppl I was dead.
Job, medical, legal shit is annoying in the beginning but can all be addressed, and the earlier you start, the longer it's a non-issue.
Basically all of these ideas are wrong. They're just anxiety parroting talking points. Transition can work out fine if you put in the effort.

>>44225139
Pretty much this. Earlier transition saves people's lives and it's always just a matter of "are you willing to bite the bullet now when you get better outcomes or are you too much of a coward?"

Note that life is not fair. Some people face much more adversity than others in transition. Some people have a lot more incentive to not transition.

All that matters is committing to it.

>>44224676
i don't know how people do it. the idea of anyone, who knows me or not, seeing me try to look like a cartoonish imitation of a woman, is too much to bear

>>44225154
Oh, for sure. The "effort" part has a huge delta depending on your starting point and luck. But basically all of that can be ground out with courage and effort, however much you end up needing in your situation.
It isn't easy or fair in even the easiest case. You either do it or you don't, and you have no one to blame but yourself.

>>44225245
I mean there are things I can certainly blame on others, but that's for transitioning before the start of puberty (thanks Susan's Place hons for telling me to wait until I'm 40). Can't exactly blame anyone other than myself for choosing to rep at 17 tho.

I dunno I guess I'm baby trans and I haven't done anything yet but you can just take it step by step right? You don't have to completely turn your life on its head. your transition is up to you. You can tell trusted friends and be a guy around them. You can take hormomes and stealth it where it doesn't feel safe. You don't need to do the whole legal change since that's just symbolic anyway. You can if you want to of course but you don't need to do everything at once or even anything at all.

>>44225258
Snoy I think you had a similar experience with SP to me. I still trooned out at 17, but I could have been a young shit if I had been somewhere without boomerhons who never inform me that DIY exists and who say I’ll be perfectly happy if I wait until I’m 30 and then decide.

>>44225267
(I was on SP at like 13 for context)

>>44225245
>You either do it or you don't, and you have no one to blame but yourself.
This is the hardest part to come to terms with imo. I’m two years into this shit and I've absolutely failed to get the ball rolling on anything other than hormones, this shit sucks.

>>44225180
You're projecting that other people are going to see and think that because it's how you anticipate seeing yourself if you try. You have no idea what will happen or how you'll handle it until you try.

>>44225267
At 17 my then bf clocked me, gave me a panic attack, and I chose to rep because I felt too far gone.

>>44225283
Basically everyone fails until they succeed. You don't wake up perfectly passing. HRT takes a long ass time to work and so much is behavioral and emotional. You have to basically commit to becoming a different person. You won't change 100% but you have to go into it attached to nothing and keep only what serves you. >>44225273

>>44225261
> symbolic
Yeah not if you want to actually exist in society full time as your chosen identity, it isn't.
Saying you can just half-ass it forever is new age bullshit that doesn't turn out well for anyone. You can go gradually but if you're at all serious about it you eventually have to commit.

>>44225282
i don't want to try because i know it will make me miserable

>>44225307
I mean, yeah. I started HRT almost exactly two years ago (had a brief detrans phase tho), I've made progress. Got laser for what could work, electrolysis is ongoing for what doesn't, FFS hopefully next year. I've fattened up in some good spots but I need to slim down some more now before I gain weight again.

I still regret not starting back then, and I do blame myself for it but I recognize that the circumstances were not great for me (private religious school, the bf that clocked me was a sneedpoon, and I was expected to be the family breadwinner/golden child).

>>44224676
this is why i believe more autists r trannies cuz we r gonna be blind to a lot of this and then just go for it lawl

>>44225273
Tbdesu the most important part to start early is getting your body running on the right hormones to stop more masculinization. The rest you can do as it becomes practical to do. Just set goals and don't abandon them.

>>44225332
Okay, sounds good, take care

>>44225339
Sounds like you're doing great honestly. Fuck the past, keep at it.

>>44225391
I mean I'm still kind of a hon. During repper years I got really fat and now have a bunch of loose skin (part of why losing weight is hard since I feel so much worse with less padding there to make the skin less gross).

Need to voice train. Crashing out from that early on led me to quit HRT for a few months. Feel more like an HRTwink a lot of the time.

>>44225411
Wow, yeah, that must have been a lot of weight loss if you're dealing with hanging skin.
Voice training is rough as fuck to be sure but it's vital. It was basically the only thing that ruined passing for me after the first couple years. It's so fucking huge. Do it.
And don't quit HRT. If other shit stalls or gets hard, fine, but staying on hrt is the easiest thing to control.
I boymoded for about 2 years and it was the right way for me to go. Gave me plenty of time to handle all the other shit without having to worry about passing or blowing up my life, and girlmoded in clubs or out of town to practice.

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>>44225479
I was 270lbs at my peak (age 19-20). SSRIs plus severe depression plus binge eating I picked up to replace self harm habits after a suicide attempt as a young teen. Currently at 175lbs with a lowest of 160.

I fagmoded for a bit after I restarted HRT but I started getting more uncomfortable with it and kinda lazymode. Dress androgynously but in clothes that mostly accentuate hips if I can. Don't ever correct anyone on pronouns either way, and have malefailed on occasion in bulky clothing.

I do full on girlmode on dates or in clubs though, but I haven't worn some of my more overtly fem clothes in a while. Like I got this dress (picrel, ignore how shitty my hair is in it holy shit but that was before I started using a bonnet and better hair products) about 9 months ago and haven't worn it much because I just don't have the occasion and don't feel worthy of it.

>>44225523
You're doing awesome, picrel is cute. Good that you're getting disciplined about hair/skincare, you'll be extremely grateful you established a good regimen when you get older and all the dolls and cisfs that didn't are aging harder ;)
You seem like you're on a really good path. Do not quit ever.

>>44225572
I effortmaxxed on skincare early on before the detrans phase and it made my face hurt a lot so I have just stuck to very gentle skincare (washing + lotion + sunscreen only).

Especially with electrolysis involved. After that's done I plan on using retinoids.

>>44225590
My daily routine if I'm not wearing makeup is hyuralonic toner + retinol eye cream and serum + tinted moisturizer with sunscreen.

Similar stuff for night. But I finished electro literally decades ago so I don't have to worry about reactivity, just avoid sun damage and anti-agingmaxx.

I hover around your target weight and am 5'9" and it's the perfect balance for me in terms of looking good and clothes fitting nicely (I'm like a size 4/6). I'm pretty active naturally so it's a decent fat/muscle ratio I think.

But yeah skin care is like hrt, if all else stalls out be consistent with it forever, it's money in the bank

>>44225411
im so worried about loose skin. do you have any more insights about it in regards to transitioning

>>44225662
Depending on your age you probably don't want to fuck with it. If you're under 35 or so you probably (?) still have enough elasticity to let it tighten again naturally without fucking with skin removal scars or shit like that. Just stay very well hydrated and be religious with scar/stretch marks cream/shea butter. You will probably still get some marks but if you keep a good complexion it won't be that bad.

>>44225662
No clue unfortunately. My plan is basically to find a comfortable weight, get clavicle/rib reduction, and then probably a tummy tuck because I had stretch marks since middle school so my skin is basically unrecoverable.

>>44225658
How are you a size 4/6? I'm 5'9.5" and I feel disgustingly fat at times, mainly from a side profile.

>>44225689
>skin is basically unrecoverable.
my fear :x surgery it is i guess

>>44225733
I mean, I had my abdomen absolutely covered in stretch marks even around 180lbs in high school. If you don't have a ton your skin should recover.

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>>44224676
I recently moved out of a relationship that, among other things, wasn't accepting of my decision to start HRT. While setting up my storage unit I found some old notes from my days journaling and planning for homelessness in 2020-2021. I...forgot how certain and how thorough I was back then, with how hard I repped to avoid trouble at workplaces. But I'm kicking myself now for waiting till I'm 28 years old for this. I had everything but a doctor's blessing given my lack of insurance, and packing up and fucking off from my family forever was so easy a choice to make. But I waited till now, living in my car once again, to actually start on bicalutamide and EC.
Despite the trouble, anon, I have managers and coworkers who are happy for me, friends who support and advise me, and starting on tuesday, a whole local LGBT community who can offer any further support I may need. I just registered to volunteer with the local queer alliance, am going to a queer cafe meet tonight, and have plans for a transcussion meet on tuesday and karaoke night on wednesday.

The solution to losing those you care about is really simple: create a new community. Find a family and make friends and unwind at clubs and bars if you feel like you need an outlet. Hell there are even trans crafts clubs in certain cities like Columbus.

>>44225324
>to actually exist in society full time as your chosen identity
I have a really hard time imagining what that's like after a life of not being fully myself which is why I feel completely dissociated from the idea I'm sorry.
my point is you have choices. You seem so determined though, what's stopping you really? just what other people think? this should be about you. nobody else.

>>44224676
i mean that would be a reasonable question if the alternative wasnt repping forever or killing yourself. youre just kinda fucked if youre born a tranny and some decide that transitioning is the less painful option

>>44225689
Maybe it's just a distro thing? I've never been significantly heavier than this. 160-65 is comfy for me. Your shape will probably change since you've been in a weight transition.

>>44225826
It has been. I've got an okay ish shape but the belly is gross. If I could take weight from my belly and fill out my hip dips I would.

Also visceral fat they makes my underbust large. :(

>>44225785
Um, nothing is stopping me? I think you're talking to the wrong anon, I trooned 25 years ago and am doing fine, my docs have been changed for about 20 of that.

>>44225848
thought you were OP sry

>>44224772
Me too. I tried coming out at 15 and the rejection from my family and psychologist destroyed me and led to 2 suicide attempts. I developed a dissociative disorder that started getting better after I moved out to another city and cut all my family off. I was 22 when I started and now I'm 23, 7 months in. It was HRT or suicide.

I'm having a really hard time with my transition because I'm only now dealing with 20 years of trauma. I just do my injections and skincare and occasionally voice train. It sucks, and I wish I could do more, but I have so much stuff that's coming out that I'm just grieving a new thing everyday. Life sucks, bad, but I'm feeling more resilient and 'real' each day and for the first time ever I can see a glimpse of myself.

>>44224676
>Your friends and especially family would feel as though the old "you" had died and you're now a new person
Its a process. Parents and close friends go through transition to in their own way. Its not so all at once as one might imagine unless you're black or a trans woman with a brown family, as I understand... Oddly, it seems brown trans men are usually OK, but then that might only be if they're Mexican. I'm not really sure.
If you're parents are accepting, they can be given time, but if they never accept you... well, fuck em. You'll process that in time then you'll learn to sorta-kinda forgive them through pity rather than hate. Never hate btw; you can dislike things, you can be made, but don't hate people. Try to never hate. This is extremely important. Don't associate with hate and don't mutually hate even with left wing people.
>We're visual creatures, and the concept of anyone is a mixture of their personality/essence AND their physical appearance. A drastic change such as transitioning will have a huge impact on how everyone perceives you as a whole.
Everyone changes. People will still recognize you though it may take a second. Also, its not all at once. Unfortunately the transition button does not exist.
>drastic change on how people perceived you as a whole
Not really but also you weren't really being yourself so much to begin with. Trans people are said to "glow". This is because we have found a freedom within ourselves others don't feel. I hope someday, we can all glow.
>downsides of HRT
Lmao. Cis women do HRT all the time and even call it HRT. It helps with hormonal imbalances including menopause. Some people can't do it, but once you get older if you can't do HRT, you just basically become a regular old man or woman cuz changes are permanent well before then.
>probably make things harder
Probably. Probably lots of things. But you finally get to live
1/?

>>44225839
Ugh, that sucks, I'm sorry. I think it can definitely improve, but honestly, from your earlier pic your body shape is pretty nice.

>>44224676
>Not to mention the long term medical effects and downsides of HRT, which I'm not sure if can be avoided. Chances are you'll have a real rough final 10-20 years of your life.

Why do you think that? Health outcomes for trans people on HRT mirror their expressed gender.

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>>44225864
I started right after turning 25 after 1 year of reptorture after having to quit SSRIs and losing a bunch of weight and finding out it made dysphoria worse. You get used to it. Things will get better and then will get worse and then get better and it doesn't seem to stop.

>>44225896
Tbf this pic was at 165lbs or so. Picrel is from this past May when I visited my bf (also shitty hair because lol forgot my bonnet).

>>44224939
Why, because cissies are shit and hate us? Transition is the cure for dysphoria. Why force yourself to suffer without treatment just because our world is populated by mouth-breathers?

>>44225975
why have you made me aware of the existence of shrimp and other freshwater fish plushies im going to go broke

>>44226033
I actually made my own shrimp plush in high school as part of a school project.

Every freshman bio class had to make a research paper on an animal and make a pillow or plushie of said animal to bring to display in class for the next year of students. While I had no issue writing the paper, I procrastinated on the plush so took a sick day on the day before it was due and made a felt plush of my animal (pistol shrimp) over the course of like four hours via handstitching felt and thread, using buttons for eyes and a fabric pen for the other details.

>>44225975
Gotta dip but nice talking, post discord if you wanna add

>>44224676
i didn't have any friends, didn't especially care about my family, dropped out of school, and it was just "suicide now or first try hrt and if that doesn't work still suicide then"
years later i'm pretty much still the same thing and miserable and will probably kms soon/eventually but i do have a partner now insofar as improvements and maybe look mildly less disgusting. my family didn't have to adjust at all as i never started passing and just still live as my deadname in manmode
...didn't really "transition" i guess but i did go on hrt so maybe that's relevant
>Not to mention the long term medical effects and downsides of HRT
i'm not aware of there being any if your hrt is right
>Job options, legal maters, medical issues, social interactions, everything
if you don't pass you can just present as your agab, if you pass and were able to change your documents then no issues, if you're in the middle.. then you probably can still just present as your agab depending on things or i guess it's just a matter of time until you pass, if you're not so unlucky to be unable to pass until surgeries or whatever

>>44224939
>I think that transitioning should be the last option after you exhaust every possibility of making your brain fit your body, since you'll never really change your body anyway.
hrt/surgeries can change the body pretty significantly, i feel like if you feel like transitioning would have a good chance of improving things you could just try that without first trying everything-else-ever before it for years, i guess unless you really feel like you have things to lose, but even then

>>44226078
thats so precious i hope they let you keep it after

>>44226149
I have a weird stalker here so I've been anxious about sharing it and I've already gotten unwanted DMs from posting it here before, unfortunately.

>>44226173
I don't know what happened to it, actually. A lot of the pillows people made were made of paper and were pretty durable while mine was overall rather fragile since I was rushing and used loose stitch work.

>>44226181
Oh well, add me if you like, valknut2323, its a throwaway and I just block annoying ppl anyway

>>44226236
Sent!

>>44225880
>>44224676
2/?
>I wish I could at least do top surgery, but then I know I'll want to hop on T to get the physique I want, and at that point I'll have to deal with the hair growth and voice drop
Omg just do the T then. Sorry it's just so many trans men are so intimidated by T. I'm assuming you're a trans man, then. You know how much work trans girls have to put into their voices? Oh no my singing voice. Just fucking do it. Even if you were to go back, you can learn to speak like a girl again and you can train your voice. Vocal dysphoria fucking sucks and I don't get why y'all put up with this bullshit.
>I'll always
Don't give into you're negative self talk, anon.

Sorry I assumed you were a trans woman without reading your full post fuck. Anyway, please don't do too much T? I don't... I mean... okay now I don't know because trans women keep pushing trans men out to the point that even I start assuming people are trans women.

God damn it.
Uhh yeah no... I don't know. If you can do it without roiding yourself up all the time initially, then do it.
I'm so depressed I can't help trans men because. I never fucking see them.
It would be nice if you did it just for that. If you can, if you live in a situation where you'd feel comfortable with, it would really be nice if you tried to keep your visibility when you go through it. Maybe that counts for something that every trans man that transitions fully is someone I appreciate.

>>44226283
>>44224676
3/3
Oh yeah okay so also, please try to get off of 4chan and please try to be around other queer people as much as you can inclusively. Don't just hang out with only trans men if you can help it. Hang out with a diverse group, at least after a year or two when you feel comfortable. Its important

>>44225975
>>44225523
u look rlly nice in these and have a nice sense of style for urself...i talked to u a little on anon in the past and u kind of gave me the impression that things were a lot worse so. i'm happy to see that it's not so dire. also can attest to the usefulness of a bonnet for delicate hair, i think it's best if u braid first to some extent before sleeping too (talked to friend at old job a bunch abt this) but i personally am much too lazy

>>44226322
It's a lot worse if I'm not dressed up like this. The black dress in particular is peak hip frauding.

But it's getting better. Still want that clavicle/rib reduction.

>>44226345
i don't doubt it, i need both as well desperately. occasionally think about using a (modest) waist trainer for going out in. but that does also feel like rlly rlly frauding too

>>44226379
Shapewear underwear has helped a lot imo. I use it most days.

1/2
>>44224676
>Your friends and especially family would feel as though the old "you" had died and you're now a new person they're trying to get to know
explicitly transphobic position. it assume you're become a new person rather than releasing the person that you always hid
as much as I try to sympathize with this feeling, which some of my family expressed, there is nothing more insulting than telling someone your life feels livable for the first time ever and being told in return that it's a tragedy because it feels like you died, as you stand more alive than ever right before their eyes
>Obviously you're still the same "person," but your body is different
if family can maintain long distance relationship primarily through phone calls and they can, then your visual appearance isn't the primary driver of their relationship to you; personality is
it seems to me like people who express this idea are looking for an outlet to express more explicitly transphobic ideas that they don't feel comfortable vocalizing.
>Aside of that, transitioning will probably make everything in your life 10 times harder
I would have killed myself in mid 2023 if I never realized I was trans. to be clear, not because of dysphoria, because I didn't know I had it. I was isolated and depressed and nothing helped. realizing HRT existed and eventually getting it gave me real hope for the first time ever
next to that, the admitted difficulty of job options, legal stuff, medical stuff, social life, just doesn't even make a dent. I'm comfortable with my body and who I am now, and if anything, more popular and loved than I was before because I'm not shrouded in pain every day. I have more community than ever
it's easy to view everything as harder, but I instead try to treat my transness as a first pass filter, keeping me away from assholes and them away from me without any real effort on my part.
it's great

2/2
>>44224676
>medical effects
you're FTM and I'm MTF so I don't know how our medications differ in effect, but aside from the risk of osteoporosis (which is a common female medical issue anyway, esp. post-menopause) and slightly higher risk of venous thromboembolism, the long-term medical effects are mostly significantly reduced suicide risk and improved mental health, improved motivation to exercise and maintain physical health, and stronger social bonds which study after study links to longer and healthier life
admittedly, I am terrified of developing dementia and forgetting that I transitioned, but that's nothing really to do with transitioning even. to have not transitioned because I fear I might one day forget I did it would have been silly. why would I choose an easier ten years at the end of my life at the expense of 30 of the best years of my life in a body I can love?
> I'll always feel upset about not being born male, I'll always feel like I'm trying to compensate for my pathetic brain by pumping testosterone into my veins because I can't produce much. I'll always feel like I'm lying to nobody but myself.
that's the fundamental trans experience: a sense of loss and mourning over who we ought to have been. not a day goes by I don't think about how much of a void I feel that I can't ever carry children. even typing it hurts
to quote Zoidberg, if there's a delicious cake, isn't it better to have one slice than none at all? I think so
there's so much I (or you) can be and do, so much more happiness to be gotten if you know deep down you'd rather be the other sex
you're not pathetic and I'm sorry you're stuck there
a more charitable view is that you're unlucky
you lost an existential coin toss; if you have any spiritual bones in your body, it can be helpful to think of what happened as your soul just getting incarnated into the wrong body type

3/2 (sorry)
>>44224676
>I'll always feel like I'm lying to nobody but myself.
maybe. probably not. I felt like I was faking at first not because I didn't want to be a woman, but because I'd never done it. now I feel exactly like a woman
last night, I had a dream that I was at my old workplace and had to change, so I went to a room. some creep followed me, forced his way in, and tried to SA me. I ran and told the other staff who supported me and called the police while the guy denied it
good dream? fuck no
but it shows that whatever my brain was before, even though my male upbringing forced me to develop a mentality that was uncomfortable, I'm a woman in my head and heart now. I feel the same fears, the same anxieties and insecurities, the same attitudes toward relationships
and that dream isn't the first time I've been accosted or nearly assaulted by guys. obviously I hate these dreams for what they are but they make very clear how my brain operates now
just last night I wanted to take a late-night walk in a big park nearby but I decided not to because I didn't feel safe; I knew that whatever my past, I'd be vulnerable because of my appearance

what I'm trying to say is that if your desire is to change your mentality, to feel like you're telling the truth rather than a lie about yourself, and you give yourself grace and the gift of the belief that you're telling the truth even if it's not apparent yet, your brain will eventually settle into that truth
gender isn't about truth, really. it's about comfort and being. of course you'd feel impostor syndrome at first, as you would in a new job or a new religion. you haven't been the thing you're becoming yet. and eventually that changes, unless you tell yourself it can't

please do what makes you happy, and please don't let a thousand what-ifs convince you that you don't want what you do. if that's T and full manhood, fucking go for it

you deserve happiness

>>44224676
>hope nobody comes to me with the "you haven't really changed who you are" bullshit. Obviously you're still the same "person" (ie still the same mentality, still the same on the inside), but your body is different
You're only thinking like this as a repper who's viewing transition as the end result. In reality the changes are gradual enough that people close to you don't truly conceive of you as a different person throughout the process, even if they do have that reaction when you come out at first. You're bringing up becoming unrecognizable as a point of pain, but it's what a lot of trannies want ironically becuase it's painful to forever be marked by your birth sex by the people who knew you before.

>>44225939
not sure about trans women, but for trans men testosterone could cause heart problems, long-term cardiovascular risk, increased red blood cells and bad cholesterol. I guess the evidence on safe long term use is limited.
That's not to mention male pattern baldness and acne.
I'm only speaking from what I know, not sure if these are always expected outcomes even when the HRT is monitored by healthcare professionals. If i ever get the balls to medically transition, I want no medical downsides whatsoever that would risk my longevity and health.

>>44227444
I mean that's just the health risks of being a man

>>44226846
I mean, I'm really not sure if what I'm feeling is just not wanting to be a woman rather than wanting to be a man. I grew up in a fairly misogynistic environment and society. I fucking hate when my dad says I can't do something my brother could, or when I'm viewed and heard less in public interactions. My personality is always clashing with me being perceived as female and this is what I hate most.

I know I relate to men more though, I thrive better in male dominated fields/environments, I like being associated with men and challenging them. I look masculine and I've always been more inclined towards masculine activities, always had more masculine traits.

It makes me think maybe my body was the issue all along, but I'm also not sure if it's just that I don't like being seen as a woman because of the way my personality is.

> if that's T and full manhood, fucking go for it
I'd have to try and see if it will work, but I don't have the privilege to do that yet. Gotta focus on building a career and escaping this shithole.

>>44227640
would it not be different if a female body is undergoing the effects?

>>44227670
in those respects, not really? like there are unique health concerns related to genitalia and whatnot but the basics like that aren't notably different.

>>44227688
i don't know.. guess I'll have to research it more.