I'm sorry I let you die, last thread. I promise I'll take better care of you this time. :<A thread to vent, have someone to talk to, commiserate, or just post into the void.
The move/house sale is all done now. The whole thing has been tremendously stressful, and I lost like 5 lbs. in the last week due to being too busy to eat. Like, 14-hour days of lugging and cleaning things. The buyers tried to bull some bullshit on us that necessitated getting our lawyer to tell them no, but at least that seemed to be the end of it. Actually got to make myself some coffee & sit for a bit this morning, but it still feels like I'm in a hotel, not like this is "home." Just a constant, low-grade anxiety like I don't belong here. Maybe it'll go away, but my gut kind of says it won't. I've been distracting myself with the quest to find appropriate storage for all our things, as right now we're still living out of boxes, but whenever that distraction fades I end up spiralling pretty quickly thinking about everything. I'm tired, and I don't know if there's a light at the end of the tunnel or not.
>>44199864Sorry I didn't get a chance to reply in the last one. :(Workplace drama can be pretty frustrating, especially since you're kind of a captive audience for it. I was pretty happy to leave the cliques behind when I finished high school. I guess the upside is it's pretty unlikely you could actually get in trouble for doing your job too well, at least. But I guess if they're going to be wankers about it, maybe it's time to consider taking your skills elsewhere?
I dont think im gonna last juggling uni and work as the uniworkload increases, I barely made it through my first year while I wasnt even working, but im gonna have to work at uni since my loan is going down.Im trying to get anything I can diagnosed in the meantime because getting prescribed stims is the only thing I can think of to save me, ive got nothing concrete back yet but just from a first meeting the phycs thought I may have CPTSD or childhood trauma, AuADHD, and they think im a tranny, so I dont really know what to make of it all yet.But at this rate ill probably just get overwhelmed by it all and rope since ill never pass uni never get a real job never have a relationship never get ffs and never not have an ogreish face.t. Cism on hrt
>>44234123You certainly have a lot on your plate. :(Is there any way to compromise on the workload at all? I'm not sure it's very helpful advice, but remember that rest is productive. I hope the psychologists can help you. That's definitely a lot to take in, if it's all news. Just try to take things one step at a time.
>>44234429>any way to compromise on the workload at allNot really, in fact I need to work more, im being hounded for money by my family while im staying at home for summer, I need money for advance rent on a house so I can stay at uni year round for work, and im trying to plan a trip with freinds we've had in the works for years and I cant let them down on that because I want to do it just as much, not to mention long term things like ffs and learning to drive, but im already 1700 in debt due to a issue from before uni. I just dont get why my brain cant aquiesce to my will, and im not diagnosed with anything so I dont have a reason to be like this either, ill just keep forcing my way through until it stops working ig
>>44234601I can't remember where I first heard it, but someone once said "your brain is there to keep you alive, not make you happy." I think about that sometimes...Just try not to overdo it, okay? Burnout is real, and you can only sprint for so long. Hang in there, nona.
>>44235058Thanks nona, thats true I suppose I cant afford to get burnt out
>>44233936>I've been distracting myself with the quest to find appropriate storage for all our thingsThis morning before she went to work, my SO told me she wanted me to order the shelves and things today, as she can't keep living like this (i.e., with our things still in boxes and cluttered in general). I'd spent most of yesterday painstakingly measuring things out and shopping online to find things that would fit within our constraints, so today I narrowed things down to what I thought were the best options and texted them to her for her input. "I'm not really sold on any of those," was her response. I'm tired.
>>44233845>be me>bpdemon straight mtf>stupid enough to develop a crush on a guy>who doesn't want to date me, unsurprisingly, but is cool with fwb>whatever i'll take what i can get>fast forward a couple months, comes out and goes on Eok so how do i let literally not even being good enough for repper chasers not affect my self esteem
>>44236234I'm sorry, nona. What makes you sure you're not good enough, and it's just not them not being ready to date someone?
>>44236260i happen to know that around the time we were hooking up she was also scouting out partners and went on at least one date with some random cis girl
>>44236306Ah... :(Maybe it's time to move on, if hanging around is just hurting you...?
i hate myself so much for only having substance abuse and wishing death upon tranners as my coping mechanisms, depression really ruined my life and idk what to do atpi wish i wasn't so autistic and had the capability to work on myself
>>44236422If it's any consolation, a lot of us wish we were dead, too.Why do you think you don't have the capability to work on yourself? Seems like a Just Do It meme should go here.
>>44236331social obligation + proximity generally prevents this without fallout but i'm over the individual enough that i can exist in the same circles without flipping out(splitting DOES have advantages), less so about the resultant complex>>44236422if you feel there is a mental block preventing your improvement try adderall or whatever. like 9 times out of 10 people are stuck in a rut like this it is untreated adhd or something adjacent
>>44236482i honestly think the main issue is me being retarded, in general "doing something" scares me and takes a lot of energy, ig im afraid of change in generali wasted maybe 3 years by pointlessly waiting before starting hrt, and now at 24 im still blaming myself for that: at 18, i knew i was trans, i wanted to start hrt, i didn't live with my parents so i easily could have started it with no issues, but idk i was afraid of "change" (the concept) ig, so i didn't do it until 3y later when i knew that it was that or not surviving the year>>44236596i already thought about it, but idk i don't really feel like i have adhd (however im autistic)i have a friend on ritalin ig ill try it some time
>>44236596Bummer. :(Sorry to hear you're stuck in such an awkward situation, but I'm glad it's is somewhat manageable at least?>>44236626Change can be scary, but it's worth weighing it against the cost of inaction. You already know what that is, and I'm afraid it doesn't get better. If the status quo isn't working, why not go for it?Also, AuDHD is a thing, and if you have a way to give Ritalin a try it might be worth it. Just make sure you take it early in the day. The first time I tried it it was like I slammed two big cups of coffee.
>>44233936Idk if I missed a thread, but I was talking to you before about your move and forgot to respond more because I'm dumb. But moving is taxing. I never really finished unpacking, myself, but I've made slow progress lately. The moving fatigue will fade eventually, though. For me, I got violently sick the minute I sat down after I finished moving, lmao. Could barely move for 3 days. Still getting used to it here. Getting closer to home now. I wish you luck with finding your new furniture, lmao. I guess the one benefit of being on my own is that there's no one to reign me in when I buy random mismatched furniture, lmao
>>44237404The last thread died on Monday because I was a bad thread mom/got too busy with moving stuff. :<It's not even that the items I picked were mismatched, she just had something else in her imagination I think. My suggestions were based on hours of parsing through available options, which I guess is hard to convey over text while she's at work. I'm just tired because she's been sick and/or working for almost the whole moving process, and delegated as much of it to me as possible. Which, I guess on the one hand is fair since I'm the one who's unemployed, but soloing a move for two was such a huge amount of work. I'm worn out, and having hours of effort being met with "no I don't like those" left me feeling kind of defeated. Maybe tomorrow when we both have time I'll be able to walk her through my rationale and convince her that way, or at least get something more to go on than "get shelves for the bathroom and a pantry thing"...Thank you for the kind words, in any case.
>>44237607Oh, I meant the mismatched thing as a jab at myself, I'm sorry, lol. Obviously I can't even see it. I understand how that can be exhausting for sure, but don't let it get you down too much, you're both just trying to make a nice home for yourselves and I'm sure you can find a good compromise :)
>>44237953Heh, half our shit is mismatched so it seemed to fit. I'm just not sure how much of a home we can make for ourselves in my mother-in-law's basement. It seems like that places a fundamental limit on how much I can feel like I belong here. I'm grateful she let us move in, but I'm not exactly happy we had to.I think I'm going to fix myself an Old Fashioned and chill tonight.
Well, there's the depression. The distractions & stress have worn off for a minute, so I guess it's safe to say it's still there, just masked. I feel a profound loneliness that's hard to put into words. I've crashed out of every online community I've found in the last couple years, and my handful of IRL friends are almost all autistic, including my SO, and I don't feel like they understand me or how I feel. I feel estranged from my SO because discussions of feelings make her uncomfortable, and she's very quick to judge. Combine that with RSD and I don't often feel safe coming to her with my feelings. We haven't been intimate in almost two years. Her autism frequently makes her touch averse, and I heard the words "don't touch me" & was sent away crying one too many times, so now I don't. Even getting a hug is a special treat for me. I guess I'm here because I really don't have anyone else to talk to...
I guess I should go to bed. I hope you all have a wonderful night and that the thread is still here in the morning. Everyone reading this is cute and deserves to be happy. Goodnight, nonas.
been feeling real sad like more than usual these past couple days
>>44241046I know that feel. Is there something going on that's causing it?
it's scary knowing i'm going to be dead and in hell soon lol
something has changed in the last two months or so where i've shifted from fantasizing about suicide to considering it a likely reality and i've been planning my options accordingly
>>44241331Everyone I know has been doing worse and worse mentally. If I were more superstitious, I'd think it was some sort of collective subconcious thing>>44241389>>44241441Please don't hurt yourselved. I wish I could provide some comfort, even just a hug to you. You don't deserve this pain
miss my ex so much rn. he made me have sex when i didnt want to but at least he saw me as a woman and he was usually nice to me.but ofc the dumb moid was poly so i gotta report him cause he might hurt a real woman or whatever.
I wish I didn't lie about my identity issues to the psychologists when I was 10 but my mom told me>just be honest, they're not going to put you in a looney bin or anything!so naturally I thought they'd lock me up in a looney bin if I was going to be honest.I didn't even want to be a girl back then, or at least I didn't know. I was never allowed to be effeminate and I wasn't very masculine either so I honestly felt like nothing at all. I hated seeing pictures of myself and I just wanted to be anything but me, dragons, werewolves or just some kind of shapeshifter so I could be whoever I wanted to be. I would lie in bed sometimes desperately trying to find some secret magic power inside of me that could make me transform if I thought about it hard enough. I wonder what they'd have made of that, what the protocol is when a child shows dysphoria but can't quite name what they'd rather be instead.
i got extremely high the other day and spent a while thinking, as one does.i am not a very social person and i don't make friends, but i thought about a coworker i had, before i got fired, who was very nice to me and whom i will likely never see again, and i cried pretty hard. i examined this feeling, though, and realized that what i was sad about was that i would no longer be able to interact with him, and that he would no longer be nice to me. he would no longer come to my register to receive a word and its definitions, which i liked to give him. he would no longer jokingly harass me. he would no longer talk to me about anime i haven't seen in ten years.i was crying for me, and all of the things i would not get anymore, from this relationship. i did not cry for him and his person. i cried because i could no longer leech from him the idea of friendship to which i was never truly willing to commit. and this distressed me so i cried harder.and then i thought about myself and how i never cry for anyone but me; i only cry for me. i have never shed a tear in empathy. i mourn estrangement from my partner because i can no longer parasitically attach myself to him and his life and personality and now i have to have my own. would i cry if he died? would i cry if my family died? if i cried whom would it actually be for? everything is always about me. all the while i am thinking about this i am crying harder, of course, because, poor me, i am selfish, i am a bad person, et cetera.>cut
>>44241533i don't know where i'm going with this, really. i've wondered for many years if perhaps i am a narcissist. on the surface this seems illogical, because i am so self-defeating and -hateful and a doormat and i always prioritize the needs of others, but when i really think about it, i am this way only because i think it will make others like me more. everything i have ever done in my life has been for the purpose of evoking a positive opinion of myself in others. it's basically the only thing i think about. i just want people to like me. i don't think i actually care about anyone; i just want things, and like people, and desire their presence because it makes me happy. someone's going to respond to this and say "actually that's not narcissism" and i know it's not ACTUALLY narcissism but i am an extremely self-centered person and despite my realizing this and hating it and hating myself i have no intention of changing. i don't even know how to change this. i can do more for others; i can be kinder and better and more helpful and friendly but at the end of the day every action i take will still be a Machiavellian ploy for more Esteem Points. the funny thing is that it doesn't even work, which probably just reinforces the desire to be held in higher esteem. it makes me want to kill myself, but i feel guilty about wanting to kill myself, because i only want to do it so that everyone will like me more. i am sick. i am posting this because people will give me sympathy for iti want to disappear and be forgotten about entirely. if nobody knew about me then nobody would have to like me or care.
>>44241331i think the loneliness has finally started to really creep up on me. it never used to bother me, ive always been content in my solitude. lately ive tried to actually get out more and do things, and while i can have fun in the moment, i always end up feeling very empty after the fact. i guess what i mean to say is that it would be nice to have a friend to share these experiences with.
can't even jerk off without crying anymore. I just don't wanna feel so disgusting all the time. why did they make me like this? why did I choose to be like this?
>>44241463I guess I can only speak for myself, but I'm sad for a litany of reasons, and it's been for way more than two months...
I went to a lgbtq friendly salon in my new city and the woman cutting my hair completely botched it. She cut all the life and curls out of my hair, which I had taken years to grow out, but she ruined it. Now I have to walk around with even frizzier, thinner hair. I also just had my last electrolysis appointment for a few months but my face is completely torn up. What makes all of it worse is that I took a picture of myself and I can see my fucking manmoder tits poking through my sports bra. I look like a fucking monster.
>>44241389Maybe you should live, then. :(>>44241441I'm sorry, nona. I really hope you don't go through with it. I just wish I could give you a hug and not just be words on a screen.>>44241506I think I know the feeling, though there wasn't any sex involved. They were poly, too. Even though they hurt me, I miss them all the time...
>>44241506>>44243237poly people are so evil it's unfortunate to see it becoming more and more common
>>44241514I feel very seen by this. I had the misfortune of growing up in a time and a place where there was no such thing as trans, though, so I never even had the opportunity to express that I didn't feel right as myself. I don't blame you for not trusting the psychologists at the time, though. It's a pretty powerless situation to be in when you're a kid.>>44241533>>44241542I think everyone does this to some degree, whether they realize it or not. We cry because we're sad, it's okay if the reason is personal. You're still allowed to feel things for yourself. As for your friend, can you try to find them online and reconnect with them?>>44241628Yeah, I feel this. I have a good time the rare occasion I get to spend time with friends, but the low of loneliness and depression hits pretty fast after it's over. I've become so isolated, and I don't know what to do.
>>44242066>>44242464I'm sorry, nonas. Dysphoria really hurts, so much so that I'm not sure anyone who hasn't experienced it could really understand... I really hope things get better soon with your transitions. :(>>44243259I don't think they were evil, I just think they experienced romantic love differently than me. I just couldn't get over the feelings of jealousy and hurt whenever they loved on someone else. I guess I'm greedy...
>>44243360you shouldn't gaslight yourself like that. poly people are the greedy ones
>>44243360It's embarrassing looking this way when I actually put in effort, you know? It's like, why bother when I look just as disheveled as when I don't even try at all? I'm 30 years old and wasted all my youth away in depression. There's no way to undo two decades of physical and psychic damage. Sorry for ranting. I only ever save it for these posts. I don't talk to anyone else about this
>>44243473I really appreciate what you're saying, Im in my mid 20s and I think my youth is beyond saving. I'm a genuine loser and don't deserve to ever be a women. Even being a troon is too good for me, there's nothing remotely feminine about me. Im an ugly moid and I'll stay and ugly moid until I either 41% or die of cancer or a car crash or some shit. Everyday in public is pure, unfiltered humiliation.t. cism on hrt
>>44243567It's a hard way to live. I remember every day why I repped for so long and told myself that even if I were trans, I would never pass so it'd be shameful and nobody would treat me how I wish I could be. But what else is there to do except keep trying, even if it never gets better?
>>44243636I get that but I'm such a failure whenever I try. Went to a salon recently after putting it off for a long while and my hair is already a mess again. I'm such a wide fucking honbeast that there's no way feminine clothing would ever look good on me. I have no real skills, I don't even have basic life skills. Spiritually, I'm a disgusting zoo animal who would need constant care and is only kept around because people would wanna see a pathetic monster like me with their own eyes.Being in public is already pure ropefuel, genuinely would prob jump in front of a car if I tried presenting fem. If I did that, fucking public streaking would be less humiliating. Apologies for the long vent
>>44243711I'm sorry, nona. You don't need to apologize for ranting. I understand how you feel
>>44243757Thanks :) I appreciate you
>>44243392I guess I can't help it. I'm still in love with them, and probably always will be. I want them to be happy, even if it means being hurt. I just wish it could have been with me...
>>44243473>Sorry for ranting. I only ever save it for these posts. I don't talk to anyone else about thisIt's okay. I know that feel... I've been trying to avoid a dysphoria spiral after my SO criticized me earlier today for spending too much time on my appearance. Suffice it to say I can't talk to her about these feelings, either. She just doesn't understand the self-loathing that comes with being trans, and her critical impatience with me ends up hurting me a lot of the time.>>44243567If it's any consolation, I'm 40 and kind of feel the same way. It's just hard to maintain hope some days.
I'm going out to dinner with my SO & a friend shortly. My goal is not to cry, from the aforementioned dysphoria spiral. Wish me luck.
>>44244681oh my god, yes, that's exactly how it is. my girlfriend tries to be supportive and i dont unleash all my brainworms to her either, but cis people just dont understand. even some other trans people dont get it either. not saying my life is so impossibly bad that nobody understands, but when you look like an ugly man as a trans woman with already low self esteem, it's constant humiliation and despair even in the good times.i hope you can catch a break. at least tranners understand us
>>44233845oh good. i was sad last time it felt like i killed the thread. it often feels like that when im one of the last posts and then no replies. i saw this thread twice yest and someone didnt even recongnize lol. i wont blog so hard this time. i think crying helps get over stuff. it can feel like the world is ending for a whole day even more. my computer is fucked and my mobo is frying my ram and i already rma it twice and i have to buy a new mobo and rma it again. browser randomly crashes and i get memory errors and its getting worse and it even restarting randomly nowthen my turn signal on my car got stuck, and when i tried to fix it i made my horn get stuck on the next day on the way to work. very embarrassing and i couldnt get it to stop even pulling all the fuses. then i forgot to bring my phone to work so i was trapped all day with no music. and this was all the day after i butchered my bangs. so when i got home and walked into my room i just started to lose it. i thought i was ok and just having a bad day but i had to shut the door and just bawl my eyes out for like 20 min. im still sad about my hair cut but ive kinda gotten over it really fast. this is the second time ive had a really really bad time and my emotions went crazy but now i think i can remember that it goes away and i will feel better later. it actually doesnt look awful i just look like a boy, its cute but i dont like it and i think i lost like 4-7 months of growth, at least from the front. it might be ok tho its just it takes so long to grow past bangs and so i basically just locked myself into still having them for another year i didnt actually cut that much off the back just thinned it out a bit and layered it.
>>44245034its definitely worth it tho. like the range of emotions is very nice even if i get really really sad over stupid shit i also get really happy over equally stupid shit like i bought a used skateboard from the sports store and its a real pro deck i got it like $120 under retail and its even pink! it makes me so happy and i got a bunch of glitter stickers of flowers and they say stuff like summer vibes and cozy or yay! that i can put on my weed vapes for idenitfying different flavors and they make me smile. ok i lied about not blogging lol. i tried to journal while the thread was dead. sometimes i write posts and then just dont post them and both of these works ok. but i kinda like posting them and i kinda dont like saving text files. posting to the void(and the cia) feels more anon/safe better with more plausible deniability for some dumb reason than having a file on my computer, even tho if someone i know directly asked me i would be open about what i write it feels.... weird to have a record with no plausible deniability. i really dont like having personal conversations infront of phones either for the same reaosn. its cloudy today and really nice out and not 110 degrees. i hope you all have a good day venters! <3
>>44245034>>44245055>i was sad last time it felt like i killed the threadI was so sad when that happened! I was all "aww!" at your sweet response, then the next thing I knew the thread was gone. :(Yay the thread is still here after my dinner, though. ^ ^I really would not want to have to be dealing with PC issues right now during the RAMpocalypse, so you have my sympathies. Sorry to hear about all the other mishaps, though. I think I agree about crying; even though I break down a lot these days, I began to wonder if it was a feature and not a bug. I spent so many years being physically unable to cry, I think a combination of hormones and "boys don't cry" that I just couldn't even when I was sad. Then I went on E and it was like 30 years of emotions were pent up behind a big dam that suddenly got flattened. For a few weeks I couldn't stop crying. But after settling into this new state, it's kind of nice to be able to let it out when I'm hurting.Glad you found a sticker bombed skateboard. It sounds very you. <3>>44244944Also, didn't cry at dinner. I just wistfully looked out the window any time dysphoria thoughts hit me.
I have so many things that I feel like I could vent about, but I'm not sure I have the wherewithal to articulate them properly right now. I had a couple of pints at dinner and a few drinks after getting home, and between those & my night meds I'm feeling very spiral-eyed. Maybe it's enough to say that I'm profoundly lonely and really enjoy having these threads to spout my bullshit woes into the void. The nonas that talk to me here mean a lot to me. Maybe that's a sad assessment of my state of affairs, but it's true. It makes me feel happy and for a moment not alone when you guys vent on here. Like somewhere out there is another lost soul like me.I'm off to bed. I hope the thread is still here when I wake up. I like you guys very much.
wish theyd stop deleting frengen
>>44233845There's this guy I'm really really into but he doesn't want to date me because he has mental problems and we live too far away from each and because he's dysphoric and it makes me really sad watching him get more depressed every dayI try to be supportive and there for him but I just can't seem to help :( I really do like him and want him to be happy even if it's not with me
i really appreciate there being a thread to just vent here. I relly am just a pathetic person, i lash out at other people bcoz im unhappyu with myself, i act like ive been traumatized when my parents have never abused me in any major way, infact ive just been ungrateful. my hatred for this dumb bag of flesh i carry around just seems to get worse with no hope of getting better and i cant do a single fucking thing right. i jjust feel like im slowly barreling towards death and will just leave a whirlwind of disappointment in my wake. i know so many people who have lived worse lives than me and yet they carry on and keep trying to better themselves, and here i am this ugly boy who just keeps being stuck on the thought of being a woman. and speaking of which transitioning for me is a pipedream, i had the stupidity to leave evidence of my discord dms( where i was out of the my online friends) and from there I got outed. Now im just wondering how tf i even ever dreamed i could be a fucking girl. i would have to sever each and every family tie i have save for my elder sister and be basically disowned or become a disgrace. I wish i could just maake my parents, my mom, happy she didnt deserve a piece of garbage son like me. i wish my mom would just kill me sometimes hahaha, lol im such a psycho for dumpingf this all here lmfao, and why even transitiion when I know uill never be seen as woman anyway, a one-of-a-kind ugly piece of trash like me...
I haven't changed in seven years, just opened an old diary from when i was a teenager Im just as full of neurotic self centered self loathing as ever, transitioning hasn't changed that it just makes me cry more easy when it happens, repping really just made this my normal. Every day im reminded im a failure of an adult and i need to find work during my sabbatical but the humanities are fucked rn job wise and everything is so overwhelming so im just crashing at my parents place and i cant even get hired at a fast food place cause i wont be here for long, i dont even have the competence to diy electroSocially im also a failure, all my interpersonal relationships and friendships are online which means my irl social life is empty, Every day i wanna apologize to the girl that will never be allowed to live for fucking her over like this, im sorry for repressing, im sorry for dooming you with this wretched body, im sorry for depriving you of the love you deserve and alienating you, I should apologize for existing and forcing people to see me, i dont know whats wrong with me and im too scared to find out in a clinical sense cause a "hard" label thats not compartmentalized will just enable me cause im a bad person and people dont tell me what they think is wrong with me cause im just a stunted retard that no man will ever love
>>44247459Thank you for making these threads honeydewI dont feel safe sharing these things to non anons anymore cause ive damaged so many interpersonal relationships by being a negative nancy and the amount of times ppl have been like ur a bummer im gonna stop talking to you has taught me that im not allowed to be sad anymore which is definitely extreme and counterproductive but i dont want to risk itUm, anyways, i envy your kindness and willingness to take things into ur own hands and make a thread like this, tried doing somethinf similar years ago to no availThe void of an anonymous board feels eternal because it is not recorded, and we might not remember this exchange tomorrow or even in a few hours, but your words still mark all that come across them one way or anotherSweet dreams, i should do the same>>44248234Unfortunately love cannot heal all wounds anon, it can only nudge people to betterment but your friendship and love are surely helping >>44248441I hope youre okay anonDespite what people say coming out is a luxury not afforded by everyone, but you don't deserve death no matter how often we tell that to ourselves every day,Also, comparison is your worst enemy, dont let it eat you alive, as much as the gaze of society often tries to force us to do so Im off to take none of this asvice and perpetuate my unhappiness (cry to sleep)Stay strong nonas and anons, i hope you will be okay, and someone out there probably cares for you more than you care to know
i think i know that feeeling, i wish you best of luck *hugs* you are not rotten inside even if u feel that way
>>44248938thank you for the kind words after reading my ridiculously "oh, woe is me" post it means a lot. I hope you are ok too and hope you can be a little kinder to yourself too :')
Im well aware that we want each other but were both too much of a coward to act upon it. Her gf pushed us together and told us to make out and i froze, tn we were as physically close to one another in the couch as we could be without straight up being arm and arm. I could feel her warmth against me skin and yet, all the energy i wanna give her just doesnt come out because im a coward, idfk what to do abt it atp
>>44247459me too. i dont think its sad i just think were unique. its hard to find people like us. its like so many of these posts are like little shards reflecting parts of myself back to me. >>44247487lamer jannoids are trying to make us go to soc and interact with other boards >>44248843time really gets away from you and it starts slipping faster and faster. ive been going through old pictures and i wasted so. much. time. >>44248938>ive damaged so many interpersonal relationships by being a negative nancy and the amount of times ppl have been like ur a bummeromg same. and for a long time it was just like current news but just cause i was interested in it. but they didnt even say anything just ghost me. i tried to make an effort to stop but i dont have nice things to talk about so i just dont talk (six seven eight nine two)
I have to go on an obligatory dog walk shortly, but I'm looking forward to replying to all of you properly when I get back. Stay strong, little thread. <3
>>44233845I'm so sick of being alive, why the fuck did my neurotic family have to give spawn to me only to torture me. All because I have this particular mental illness I'm sorry I'm sorry I didn't do it on purpose. I'm sorry for being a tranny freak, I wish I was normal.
Off my meds for two days. Going back on them made me feel better and worse. Better in that I am not making insane shitposts on this website arguing with people about nothing and getting genuinely worked up about it. Worse in that I woke up, had something to eat and 2 coffees then passed the fuck out and woke up at 10pm after having an afternoon's worth of bizarre dreams about things like organizing an affair by meeting with someone in a cafe where they work after getting off a bus that stops inside of it with my psychiatrist sitting at another table judging me.My body is messed up. My brain is slowly recovering. I just want to go back to sleep. I have no motivation to do anything. Not even put on my clothes. I need to buy groceries but I don't want to.
>>44248234Dysphoria & depression can be really hard to deal with (ask me how I know), but it can also be hard for loved ones as it can often be a solo quest. It's kind of you to want to help, but try not to lose sight of yourself at the same time. I hope things work out for both of you.>>44248441I'm sorry you don't have a supportive environment, nona. To my mind, if your family loved you they wouldn't expect you to rep. Pursuing happiness and the feeling that you belong in your own skin isn't a disgrace, it's natural. You should do what you need to to keep yourself safe, but I hope you get to start your transition some day soon.>>44248843None of us get to choose the hand we're dealt, nona, but I'm sorry yours has been so hard. I wish everyone's transition could be perfect and cure all their woes, but reality is complicated. Don't beat yourself up for having negative feelings, though. It's a scary time to be trans right now, so there's no shame in feeling angst about it. I hope the job situation pans out for you soon. Hang in there.
>>44248938You're very sweet, nona, and I'm glad you like the threads too. I still feel like I'm only carrying the torch for Puffin, but every now & then I get the will to be the change I want to see.I certainly understand what you're saying about coming across as negative, as I've been in environments like that before where you're expected to keep your negative thoughts & feelings to yourself. Sometimes things really are shit, though, and I think it's important to be able to acknowledge & express that. The first step to solving any problem is recognizing there is one, and if you're not allowed to even bring up that things are shit, they'll just stay shit. And sometimes you just need someone to listen. So, vent away. <3>>44250382>its hard to find people like usYeah... I've gotten very used to being 1 of 1 in a lot of respects. It's comforting to know there are other misfits like me out there somewhere, even if they are far away.>>44251318I'm sorry they don't support you, nona. None of it is your fault. I hope one day soon you can be free from them and be who you are. <3>>44251543Hang in there, nona. Rest if you need to. I'd bring you groceries if I could. :(
i stopped jerking off for a month and a week and now nothing comes out
>>44233845hey guys, i've had a really bad week this week :(so like one of my guy friends asked me out on a date and i said yes!! but he didn't know i was a tranny so i told him and he changed his mind when he found out!!! was a bit of an ego boost at first since he really had no idea and thought i was a gigayoungshit when i told him too. but once the rejection settled, it's been fucking with my psyche. i've been thinking a lot about if i'll ever find love or a guy who can even pretend to care about me. all of my friends live pretty far away from me (besides from a couple work friends who are ok with making me hang out with another coworker of mine who openly sexually harasses me and treat me like some auxiliary friend if that makes sense). maybe i should stop deluding myself and just give up. im worthless and stupid and why do i have to have a dick attached to me. im not some hot twinkhon or something, just some short awkward luckshit ugly passoid. why would anyone like me. im just a tool for people to use to feel better about themselves, i'll never get a bf or have anyone care about me outside of my family. i'd kill myself if i didn't make a promise to myself that i'll never kms.
>>44244988I've been thinking about this. I think in her mind, my issue is just "I don't like the way I look." She doesn't realize or understand that it goes so much deeper than that. When the dysphoria is bad, I hate the way I look, I hate the way I was born, I hate seeing my reflection, I hate being perceived, I hate the constant self-assessment making sure I'm being femme enough. Getting called "sir" by a stranger is devastating, having to be deadnamed grinds down my soul, and the knowledge that the majority of the people I encounter look at me and see a man is crushing. I wish there was a way I could convey the psychic burden of being trans to her, but I don't think she would get it. I don't know if she can.
wow she called me sweet?
>>44252720Ow. :(I can certainly understand having mixed feelings about it. Gender-affirming negative experiences are just another delightful complication of the trans experience...>>44252906<3
>>44233845been a rough week. things have fallen apart in my life as they often do,,, havent taken my e in a while. im not at the point of a crisis anymore like I was a week ago but i can still feel it. i feel pretty broken. most of these days have been bitter reminders about what i cant have and how poorly i fit in to any group,, all i have been doing now is escapism. sleeping w random women is fun in the moment but even that feels dulled like everything else. im hoping something changes for me but im not optimistic. next time i have a crisis im going to try to not reach for my ex and just do whatever i gotta do instead.
im gigahieghtmoder and have a crush on a moder at my work who is close with the friend of the person who said this:i walk into the bathroom and guy is in there and splashes me with the sink and says oh sorry and then i say no worries mate and he then says "sorry for getting you wet" and i say nah ur good. then he says "wow thats the most awkward thing ive ever said to another man in the bathroom" and i was just like uh lol and then silence and i thought for a second in my head like 'haha secretly not a guy lol' then remembered this dude is friends with the guy pursuing the moder and im like uhhhh? did u just? rly? cause theres an alternate universe where he knows and that was intentional. and and then i started giggling my ass off in the stall and he could definitely hear me. like this is obviously entirely in my head but it was very funny in the moment yes my entire life is work and blogging lol you know poeple used to complain about this being a dead board and i was like nuh uh theres so many threads but i kinda get it now. its like a bunch of spammy crap or stuff i have no interest in. and im still accidently permad from my other fav site due to incompetent admins. but i can spend hours just on the threads here i like, if they dont get bumped off the catalog by spammers. i just really like reading all the perspectives and soaking in info. we need like dedicated bumpers in diff timezone. im the 3am pst bumper but we usually need someone to hit again before noon pst maybe i can find an extention to schedual my psots but idk how that works with captcha. captcha stopped loading on firefox for me too and i had to switch to brave just to post and now it almost never does the "no captcha needed" and they are harder too cause all the euros and east coasters start making new threads in the morning and sliding the whole nights catalog. its funny how i always come back to 4chan when other sites go to shit but always a new board. guess i rly am here forever
>>44254804I'm so sorry. Do you wanna talk about any of it more? You should take your e again, why haven't you been? I know what it's like to not be able to fit in anywhere. Makes me not even feel human, it's so demoralising
>>44254804Sorry to hear things are still going bad. Like the other nona said, you should take your E. I don't think there's any shame in a little escapism. Sometimes things are bad, there's not much you can do, and dwelling on it won't help. But I definitely know how hard it can be not to reach out to an ex in moments of weakness... I guess if nothing else, you can not fit in here with the rest of us that don't fit in.>>44254832>guess i rly am here foreverIf it makes you feel better, I've been on this shithole of a site since moot wished to be the little girl.You totally should have doubled down on the awkward and made it super awkward by saying that. Maybe put a "no homo" cherry on top. Do people still say that? I dunno, I'm old. Seems like a safe bet they already know you're weird, anyway.
I've been in transitioning mtf since I was 18. I knew before then but it was a decade ago and I didn't know the words let alone how to get DIY HRT. It's so sad that I missed out on on those extra 6 years of feminization. I'm in my mid twenties now and it's so hard. I'm 6'5. No matter how much I face pass, voice pass, get a nice body, whatever, this will always clock me going forward because everyone knows what a trans person is now. I preferred it when non passoids didn't make a fuss about being misgendered, because then at least they wouldn't know what a trans person is and it'd go back to everyone saying, "wow, you're the tallest woman I've ever seen!"It's been really rough. I want to detrans. I'm tired of existing this way. I was doomed because I was already 6' by like 13 years old. I don't know why I felt within me the "transition or die" ultimatum but I did and now I have to live with it forever; I went off of hrt for a year and my hair threatened to go bald at 23 years old. I'll never go off of hrt again. Being born male is an absolute nightmare. My family don't understand and fall into this situation of using my name but treating me like a very feminine man. I know that's better than how some have it, like those who lose their families or are abused for it, but God, I want my dad to call me his daughter just once in my life instead of him saying it's impossible for me to be a woman. I've tried so hard. Strangers usually get it right. I live in a liberal place so I can never know if I'm passing or if they are being kind and know what I'm going for. It's been so bad for my mental health that for the past two years I pretend to be cis online, I make friends, VC with them, and get kinda deeply close to these ppl. It's my only respite from the pressure to pass irl, it's the only time I can relax and put my guard down. It makes me feel unlovable and alone as a trans person because of how nicer they treat me than irls.
>>44233845I'm a bisexual man who's dating a bisexual woman, and while the relationship is going well, I'm facing a problem. Lately, I've been having a lot of gay urges and fantasies, ranging from the porn I'm watching to the literature I'm reading. I even considered reaching out to a guy I used to hook up with, although I doubt he'd respond after so long without communication. This attraction of mine is taking my attention away from my gf, who I've found myself thinking about less. I'm thinking of talking to her about it, I'm hoping she can understand given her own sexual orientation. I still want to be with her, but maybe we as a couple can find an outlet for these gay feelings within the bounds of the relationship.
>>44255551idk ive just been very demoralized and since ive just been planning on offing myself half these nights I dont really see the point of it. its lonely around here, even when i am around people. sometimes i can pretend and present myself in a way to fit in for a bit but it never lasts.
I feel like I've just lost all motivation for anything for weeks now. I went into doing great, skincare, exercise, diet, etc whateverNow I can't even talk to anyone or post anywhere, let alone all the things I did before. I don't even have a good reason for burnout or anything, I don't do muchI'm down 30lb this year so far actually, but today I've just been eating bread all day. Gonna see if I can force myself to fast for two days or smth to help out, or just two days sub 500 maybe, then back to normalI can't remember anything, taking meds, upkeep, I've still been applying some silicon to a cut I have so that's good I guessI just hate the bored, empty feeling I get so often. I want to feel joy, sadness, anything but bored malaise. I can't stand this feeling, I just want to feel like I live a life instead of going through the motions of oneI hope you're well honeydew
>>44255730It's hard not to lament the time lost. I think about how things might have turned out if I'd known sooner all the time.>or are abused for it, but God, I want my dad to call me his daughter just once in my life instead of him saying it's impossible for me to be a woman.I dunno, nona. That sounds like abuse to me. I'm sorry they're not supportive, you deserve to be in an environment that allows you to thrive as you are.And yeah, just about every time someone refers to me as she/her/etc., there's a brainworm that wonders if they really look at me and see a woman, or if they can just tell I'm trans and are being nice about it.I'm not quite as tall as you, but I also know what it's like to be the tallest one in the room. The real kicker is I was 6'0" since I was 14 until I started HRT in my 30s. Now I'm 6'1". Seems like a middle finger.>>44255929That sounds pretty tricky. I guess the question is, what if finding an outlet would cross a boundary for her? Could you accept it, or would that be a deal breaker for you? I wish you luck. Relationships are hard.>>44255958I'm sorry, nona. Maybe a way to look at it is, if you end up feeling better, wouldn't you have been glad to have kept up with it? Taking it wouldn't be causing any harm.If things are lonely where you are, is there any chance you could move away? Start somewhere fresh? Change is hard, but it doesn't sound like stagnation is helping you.
>>44256127Burnout is a real bitch. I have that feeling of guilt about it too, like I don't deserve to feel this way. I know logically that's not how it works, but brainworms I guess. I'm trying to keep up with weight loss myself. Finding meaning in life seems to be a lifelong quest...>I hope you're wellMixed at best. The "high" of being constantly busy has worn off, and I'm back to thinking about all the things making me sad. My "ex" recently had a breakdown, the details of which I don't really know, but I've deduced it's related to a negative intimate experience with someone I've known for a while they were more than just friends with. So, trying not to think about that, and haven't been able to talk to them much at all partly as a result. Gotta say being "just friends" with someone you're in love with really is hard...I'm glad to see you pop in in any case, Puffin.
>>44256327>That sounds pretty tricky. I guess the question is, what if finding an outlet would cross a boundary for her? Could you accept it, or would that be a deal breaker for you? I wish you luck. Relationships are hard.When I say outlet, I mean something like watching gay/bi porn as a couple, not me going out and fucking other guys. If it crossed a boundary for her, I would respect that and stay with her, because I do care a lot about her. Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it.
>>44256855That does sound more approachable than sleeping around. ^ ^;I guess my experience with poly individuals has altered my perception of what "an outlet" means... Glad to hear you want to stay with her, though. I hope you two are happy together. <3
>>44255958I should've guessed you weren't taking it for that reason. I'm so sorry. I can relate to that, too. I've been trying to pull myself out of it, so I hope you can, too. I don't have anyone where I live either, but I get some amount of solace from having friends online, have you tried that at all? Or does that not appeal to you? I know some people don't like that, but it can lead to at least seeing someone irl eventually. I hope you're still here, I'm sorry I took so long to respond
I guess I should go try and sleep. Stay strong, nonas, and goodnight. I hope I see you in the morning.
>>44257504rest well thanks for all you do
>>44257090hasnt really worked too well for me. used to have interests and be able to talk well and socialize but its just all gone now. dont even really have the energy to try most of the time now.
its been months since i last came here to talk on this shithole site, but my sister accidentally slipped and called me her girlfriend and took me on a date (in her own words)she also kinda did some abusive shit i am getting drunk to escape thinking about but ive also been a really dogshit sister even lately so i kinda deserved it.i feel worse and better at the same time rn, just hoping she just doesnt have a bpd swing away from me but instead closer again if anything. idk if that makes sense sorry, im already buzzed.
>>44257774Well, what're things you used to be interested in? Maybe if none of those're working, you can find something similar. The no energy thing is hard to deal with, though. I don't blame you for not wanting to try when it's like that. All I do when I'm like that is drink and do stupid stuff to keep my brain occupied, but I don't think either of those're healthy suggestions. I hope you can start feeling good enough to try, but until then, at least try to imagine a world where you can try. I'm no good at socializing either, but sometimes you can stumble into something really nice
Good night bumpIm gonna try to be less self deprecating but its nigh on impossible and i will keep being a bother because of it Sometimes i wish i was mute so that my big stupid ugly mouth wouldnt upset people Take care everyone
friend compelled me despite all my wishes to watch TADC and i sat through the entire thing despite it feeling like it was pulling teeth because "jax is such a relatable character" and i hated it. i hated every single part of it and i especially hate gooseworx, i hate how the character thats a repper is relatable because it doesnt give me any hope that he fuckin abstracts in the end, it doesnt make me feel good that gooseworx of all people gets to be a successful creative while i rot, spending every day in pure and total agony. it's complete dogshit. I have nothing in this world and frankly after three years transitioning i feel like everythng's been one sick joke played at my expense, i have no friends, ive got no aspirations left that are even within the realm of achievability and it feels like everything is pushing me towards suicide, every little thing. I havent used 4chan in nearly a full year but i come back on to make this post to express my sheer livid frustration that this is "it", i was forced to transition late and for it i get nothing, no friends worth having nothing at all, my life is hell. Gooseworx if you ever read this fucking post i hope you suffer as much as you deserve you rancid pig of a human beingits funny, i keep having these nightmares about age and death, its ironic that a digital world of immortality is portrayed as abject horror, it could only be some overprivileged loser writing a shit story like this.
>>44258824Suicide doesnt take away ur problems it just takes away any possible solution. I have hope for u nona. You will make friends lots of them! Id be your friend :> (I also have no friends). As for aspirations I think u should really not limit urself to what is possible for u. Like for example I wanna make my own manga. Now obviously it's not realistic to think that id be signed to a big publisher or anything one day but self publishing is a realistic and achievable goal. Dont give up try new hobbies until u find one that clicks and let it give u resolve. Hugs sis xoxo
>>44233845I was recently sa'd by a coworker and i have to write a report about it or i could be fired for false allegation or some bullshit. i feel so powerless because i just have to hope that some corpo doesn't slack off and that my ass getting gripped and slapped shows up on cctv.bonus:male coworker has also been felt up by this woman but says he won't say shit. he is into me and has said as such so i might just have to let him hit to keep my job if it comes to it.fmstl
>>44258873go fuck yourselfa million empty promises i've heard before
>>44258950Dont get mad at me because ur miserable about ur sad pathetic life when all I wanted to do was help u fucking worthless loser faggot. I RELATE TO YOU. I EMPATHIZE WITH YOU. I WANT YOU TO DO GOOD. Dont let your self hatered and past fucking experience rob u of finding happiness sis big hugs xoxo
>>44258918Im so sorry nona thats awful and disgusting and I hope u get thru it :((( biggest hugs xoxo
>>44258984rolling my eyes
>>44259003Go jump off the nearest bridge u can find
>>44259012lonely to a degree where you'd act even more pathetic than a "fucking worthless loser". could always see behind that mask anyway, everyone can. Why are you even here?
>>44259050Im here cause Im insanely lonely and pathetic irlAlso... i got a very confusing boner from you saying that #Thanks?.... You have awoken soemthing in the lioness
>>44259078what the fuck am i reading, is this a bot reply? am i falling for a bot or something
>>44259138You made my girl pp go boing boing when u called me pathetic #thanku Also be nice to yourself nothing makes u pass more than when ur a sweetie pie ok faggot~? Mwah
>>44259214you remind me of this hopeless half indian troon i knew who was so self obsessed she alienated everyone and blamed racism
i can't tell if my partner even wants me anymorei know sexting is cringe but it's the only form of sexual validation i've received from people i've actually had feelings for and not feeling desired is killing mei don't care if you transition, fuck it, i WANT you to stop repping, if it'll help you to just fucking talk to me more often. i just want to know that i'm loveable to someone as wonderful as you.
I wish I had the drive to do betterThe energy to do the things I know I need to do. Clean my house, voice train, take better care of my body, lose weight, eat healthier, exercise, go out more...Instead, I sit in my PC all day every day and just indulge indulge indulge
I'm a tranny who is in love with another tranny and she's super cute and pretty so I've started wondering if she might secretly be doing only fans. No reason to think she is except that money never seems to be a concern in her life. I know it's not really my business because we're not dating, but..
>>44233845An accumulation of smaller struggles culminated in me breaking down crying in front of my parents, doesn't help that one of those things is hiding my transition from them. They were understanding as usual, giving the whole spiel about how I can come to them for help with anything, and I appreciate it, but I feel so pathetic about my lack of mental fortitude. The guilt about hiding everything almost made me admit it to them, but I copped out by saying something vague about stuff that I am working on in therapy. They are also watching a show I've seen that I know has a trans character a few episodes in, so for some reason I'm irrationally hoping for some big revelation one way or the other based on how they respond to that, if they do at all. There were also good things that happened this week at least. It's just hard to keep things in perspective, and I tend to hyperfocus on the negative and spiral.
>>44233845I was shitposting and being as inflammatory this morning and now I'm crying on the vent thread, sorry.I remember checking out of having friends and even looking down on having a parther since I was 15 and now I'm 25. So that's about a decade of no external human contact, not even on the internet.Despite that the fantasies of having someone special have only gotten stronger the longer I remain on hrt, there was another thread here about "that" feeling of butterflies rushing trhough your entire body and it's become a daily ocurrence the more I daydream about being the wife of another beloved person.I fantasize about wearing cute maid dresses for the first time and suprising them with the baked sweet that I learned to do for my hard working mother when I was a NEET, sweet and soft cinnamon rolls and apricot pies made with the fruit grown from our own front yard tree, banana bread and crosaint and jelly filled empanadas and the mexican dishes that my grandma would leave the recipe for.I'm sorry, sometimes I cry at night reflecting about the loneliness.
I keep telling myself I'm gonna kms. I'm not though. It's really just a crutch, a 'just a little bit longer' to stop me falling face down on the floor when I get out of bed and it all hits me. I know it's not healthy and I should really talk about it to someone but I can't or they'd sperg out like I just named a time, place and method and try to have me thrown in grippy sock jail and if I'm thrown in grippy sock jail I'd be denied access to my estrogen and only then would I seriously consider it. what a sick fucking joke.
>>44260043what the hell is wrong with me that's turned me into this engine of suffering, the technology to alleviate which having existed for barely a century and been available for less than twenty years. my survival depends on supply chains that are considered non essential. I'm pathetic. I'm fucking domesticated and I'm not even cute. in thirty years' time I'll have died of heatstroke or gotten hatecrimed or blown my shit off. billions will die for stupid reasons because of shit that happened before I was born and I'm one of them. It's over. It's already over
>>44259654the fuck am i daydreaming for, i took a look at my reflection and my day was ruined
>>44259654U should try hanging out with some people or even just talking to some strangers, to be above that need would be a return to monkhood in the classical sense, without even having a monastery, and without a big dollop of magical thinking or cope its pretty hard to maintain that. No surprise you find yourself crying, i have too for loneliness reasonsEven a little exchange of words that u feel is pleasant can improve your day anon, but talking to people has a bunch if stupid rules that are hard to remember too, best of luck
>>44260592I know that talking to people lifts your spirit, recently I got a full chat with another hikki before he ghosted me.I just don't know where to go in my city, there's only nightclubs and being alone makes me feel a lot of pressure.Thanks for the encouragement though, I want to try just don't know where.
i think i'm having a psychotic episode or something
this gonna be basic as shiti'm a trans dude who has a crush on an enby, they're inlove with someone else though. it sucks i fooled myself into thinking they'd like an ugly tranny like me, i don't even feel that jealous, in fact i wish i were in a "polyamorous" relationship with them like a cuck, but that's never gonna happen.i miss my ex at this point, i don't care that he saw me as a woman, i just wish i stayed.
Sorry everyone, the depression spiral is hitting me hard today. I'll try to do some replies later...
>>44261185Don't worry about it, please feel better <3
>>44260670How is it going? are you having fun or freaking out?
>>44255730>I was doomed because I was already 6' by like 13 years oldsame lol. maybe even earlier. i think i have marfans. i think i remember hitting 5'11'' in third grade so about 8 y o idk tho but i know i was shockingly tall and the tallest in class by like a whole head and significantly taller than my teachers. its not a contest tho were all fucked lol it sucks so much lol. im just super thankful that im skinny and my shoulders/ribs are "proportional" even if thats still fucking huge >I want my dad to call me his daughteri never really know what i actually want my brain is too twisted in knots. but i tell myself i dont really care except for my partner, for me the point is to meet someone compatible and so i need to present at least queer/femme to not attract purely cismen or straights so that im not put in a situation where i fulfill the masc role. that could be cope and might end up changing. for a while i enbycoped but i think cutting my hair conclusively proves i fit into the "genderfluid bc id as male when feeling like shit, so actually just binary mtf" camp. such an obvious thing not being obvious to me means my copes about being tall and that being ok bc i like women and they like tall could also change who knows. but for now i sympathize a lot with other height cursed trans but i just really have no idea what to say to exclusively straight ones. that sounds 100 times worse>I pretend to be cis onlineas a cis woman? part of me thinks i want to meet someone online first so they get to know my personality, but like not as a trick, i have had online friends that i get crushes on without knowing what they look like and i rly wouldnt mind their appearance no matter what bc i like them so much, so i think i mutual situation like that would be nice. but again idk how much this works for others cause i dont have rly get or have uh..social dysphoria just relationship dyphoria?
>>44256127oh no. glad to see you hear though i wondered where u went. i hope you feel better. i think its okay to mess up your diet sometimes for a few days. i track my calories meticulously and last night i went over by a ton i hit like 4400 cals after three days in a row of a big deficit, i even ate way under my maintenance one day. but the reason is because weight fluctuates so much from day to day. like even eating less the amount of salt in the water in your body can make you retain more and you go up or down 5 even up to 10 pounds without doing anything. so you really gotta look at the weekly running average, and the same thing for calories too. its not like you directly gain a pound of fat overnight for eating a bunch one time. and its even better for weight loss to eat wildly different amounts to shake up your metabolism, if you eat barely anything all day your body goes in famine mode, if you binge once every 2-3 weeks it will think you are ok and let go of what its holding. idk when i eat a lot i just look at the 7 day running now and think oh ok its ok. hrt makes lots of things grow for a long time and if you are hungry your body is probably telling u it needs some kind of protein or vitamins to make you cuter so just eat what you are craving, in moderation of course, and eat less tomorrow. since ive had this mindset i often have days where its the opposite of craving, where im just not hungry despite walking like 20k steps that day, like the other day when i ate way under maintenance, and my weekly average hovers around where i want it with much less stress.
ok wow so ive been posting a lot about moder crushes and moder hunting at work and my work hired a bunch of new people and then promptly fired them and there was this tall cutie with long really curly hair but i thought she left and im bad at faces and theres two other people with similar hair that were still around so i started thinking maybe she was just dressed up that day or maybe the other one is her sister or brother? but she was there again last night and isnt the other person, and she is very cute. so ive been posting about how i want to smile in a friendly way at my crush, hopefully leading to an introduction and daily friendly hellos and stuff. but i keep looking away and blushing whenever she walks by. now yesterday this new cute girl was walking down the hall and shes look at me from afar as we approach eachother im about to pass her and so hi or something and she looks down and away like i always do when i pass my crush. and she has these really cute bangs going on and she flips them right over her eyes and its very cute. i just stared straight directly at her face and gave the most genuine smile but idk if she saw, if it were me i wouldnt because id be flushed and trembling lmao, but i think i saw the glint of her eyes through her hair. god damn it feels good being on the other side of that, i think i just learned something about myself. then for the next two or so hours i could see her across the way glancing up at me every couple minutes, so of course with this distance and the plausible deniability i pulled the old "stare at them until they say something" which of course doesnt work and wouldnt from a distance, but they will probably recognize me and i can say hi another time for practice or maybe real they are v cute after all. thats not even the only cute girl that stares at me either, but i am terribly scared of the cis ones. with the moders its at least plausible they dont see me as a guy. very ego boosting even if im totally delusional
i think i am taking advantage of my situation too much and not counting my blessings and being respectful. i need to slow down and be more mindful. i keep thinking the other shoe is gonna drop and that it cant stay this good forever and ive been fucking around at work and i thnk its gonna catch up to me. even tho my probation period is over and its kind of a dont ask dont tell i think i could probably go 0-100 and get termed without warning for some of the stuff im doing and i should really just stop even though it improves my day by a ton if i make these into a habit im gonna start doing them in the open without thinking and get caught. there would be no way out cause it would be a witnessed recorded policy violation type thing so people could get in trouble for letting me off. i started freaking out cause i overheard something that very likely has absolutely nothing to do with me but the possibility that it could had me realize that getting fired right now would seriously derail my transition and i kinda actually have something to live for and care but at the same time hormones are making me crazy impulsive and stupid. like i think one of the cool guys i talked to might have been canned for exactly what im doing, but it might just be attendance, or even hes on vacation lol. i feel super arrested development. i really havent matured since like at least 10 years maybe more. i get along with zoomers but i dont think they know im an oldshit millennial, even before hrt. ive always had serious issues with authority. when i got this job i would plan my routes like to avoid being seen by management so they think im always working and never on break. and theyre all super chill but for like 6 months i would do my best to never be in earshot or line of site to never be perceived or stick out and i still do it every time we get a new one until i get to know them, and they can tell im projecting delinquent which sucks but i cant help it im a troublemaker at heart.
and its extra hilarious bc the management that does know me talks me up to other shift management so when they move to our shift they go out of their way to introduce themselves to me and say things like if you ever need anything im here to help, and like nearly only to me and no one else lmao. the first time this happened was giga awkward i was like wtf is this girl and what does she want and then she stuck around and is like super thrilled whenever she gets me on her staff lol. i used to get called to the office so frequently in school even super early and young. i didnt really notice when i was in it but i was by far the worst kid in my school wrt this and i think its a source of my anxiety. like the waiting and knowing and then the knock and being taken out and walked away in front of everyone and detained/suspended repeatedly every week for years. and now i feel that waiting feeling like im gonna get walked out of work. and i hate it and need to make a positive change. i didnt break nearly any rules for over a year when i was on probation and it was fine i can do it again and i probably havent been caught at all the last like 10 times i felt like this nothing happened and no one ever brought it up or even noticed and the 100 times i gaslit myself about more minor shit same thing no one cares at all. i just need to like stop and breathe and follow protocol even when im being rushed. i like to recheck everything i did for the day before i leave to make sure its all secure so i can sleep peacefully and didnt forget or leave a door open or machine on and im just gonna start doing it in front of management even if it takes 10 minutes and im supposed to clock out like i know they wont care i just dont want to look like the new guy or a rules stickler but i cant deal with having panic attacks bc i forgot some dumb procedure even when i didnt.wow nona! how come u get two(three?four?six-seven?charactermaxxed) blogs?(haha theycant stopme)sryurlydonthv2readallthat
>>44259654>>44260592>U should try hanging out with some people or even just talking to some strangers,yeah its important i messed myself up pretty bad not going outside for 10 years. i was a stuttering mumbling mess that couldnt make eye contact with cashiers. but you can fix it! just go outside a little more each day
i want to be the kind of person who likes people, who just talks to everyone and makes them feel good. there are people around me who do this and are "friends" with everyone and i appreciate them a ton. i thought when they talked to me i was special but then i saw they talk to everyone, and at first i was a little jealous. but now i want to be like them by just being a listener and asking questions and remembering. some people deliberately will say your name to build rapport, but i hate my name obviously so this just creeps me out and makes me think they are being manipulative. but you can ask simple questions about people and they will talk for days you dont even have to effort they love talking about themselves and it makes them feel seen and then you only have to remember like the topic or hobby they like. i have to stop overthinking my intros and just ask the really basic icebreakers like the weather or do you come here often it works just fine, great even. but the real reason is of course bc im a shithead. i want to talk to girls to appear safe to talk to for other girls by association, since i have an offputting and intimidating disposition, resting bitch face. like whenever someone i am already comfy talking to comes up to me in proximity to someone i want to be friends with i always consciously play up my approachability make jokes and talk a little louder so they can see im normal. and i want to practice being conversational to people im not attracted to so i have more confidence with people i am attracted to. but the plan is to be genuinely interested in people as people and as friendly acquaintances and to learn about the different things normies are into as like a curiosity. idk i think people are cute but im scared of them, and they are mean to me sometimes bc im awkward and socially dumb. maybe i can trick my autistic brain into being ok with this if i think of myself as a nature documenter.
>>44263009>im just super thankful that im skinnyI'm thankful as well for my proportions I was blessed to not be brick and instead be stick, tho hrt helps shape everything into place.>for a while i enbycopedI also enbycoped for like 4 years because I was too dysphoric and send hating to expect anyone, even my closest friends, to treat me like a woman and give me a she her. Thank God I grew some self respect. >but for now i sympathize a lot with other height cursed trans but i just really have no idea what to say to exclusively straight ones. And yeah, thank God I'm bi because men would never, save for trans men. Trans men have been really good to me, I have so much gratefulness for them. >as a cis womanyeah, voice pass and ignore any questions about gender beyond "I'm a woman." Don't get crushes while stealthing online or anything it's a nightmare to navigate
I planned to start my shit today, but between homelessness and being busy with other preparations, I never actually looked over my equipment. Turns out my order was sixty NEEDLES, without any SYRINGE. I'm too angry and embarrassed to make a thread about it. How the hell do needles work and why did my plan get delayed by something so trivially stupid?
i've been severely depressed since graduating college, and i'm in pain from when i wake up to when i sleep. Doing anything besides rotting alone in my room just feels so immensely difficult, even writing + publishing vent poetry is just so hard. Nothing is fun anymore, and i'm so lonely + horny all the time. I'm losing my appetite and i go from sleeping <5 hrs a day to 12+ hours.I also miss both of my exes, and i just wish i could be physically intimate w/ someone again. its just so agonizing, being horny and depressed at the same time; every time i orgasm i just start crying again. I think the worst part is probably the apathy. I just don't care anymore. I know i've got grad school to look forward to, but it just feels so far away when all i want to do is lie down and rot in my room all day.I have no hometown friends, and i'm living w/ my parents temporarily until i move back to VA for grad school. i just want to feel again.
>>44264413Asked a trans friend if she knew more about sourcing syringes and she just showed up at the door with two....it really feels like destiny itself is trying to shut my depression up the last week. Fuck, I really don't have the right to complain anymore, haha...
>>44264413those look like luer-lok, you can get luer-lok syringes that screw into the needles
>>44265082Yeah...fren showed me the process. Now I showered off and...am just gazing into this thing. It's intimidating...
Trannyism is an information hazard. you people ruined my life
>>44264413So I use Unisharp 1ml 29g fixedgit em in a big box lasts me years, and that's years with an S because you really wanna get an estrogen thats low maintanence like once every 10 days.make sure you have pre-injection alcohol swabs you can get those on amazon, and get a medical sharps bin, turn that into any hospital and they'll dispose of it fer ya.But first things first, make sure you're not going homeless, you don't need me to tell you about that, but make sure your priorities are in order.
i can't believe i didn't let myself fall for you when we met two years agoand now we both finally know how real it is between usi love youand i hate that i want your marriage to fadeand i'm sorry that it might be inevitableand i hope that this is the last real apology i ever need to give you
i was going to post some bullshit in here or whatever noone cares an i know that i think i might open the window and fall outprobably not because im a coward and my dad would do it too butmaybemight start cutting myself too desu stop having to resist the urge
>>44265337That's a good point on the bulk buy. I got estradiol cypionate so that's low maintenance. As for the homeless thing...I'm truly blessed. I made a friend at the local queer collective, lightly vented about showering when gyms close early on weekends, and this woman, bless her heart, offered me a home unprompted. I'm returning her favor with cleaning and volunteering, and saving my money for my own apartment. Within a week, I broke up with a toxic bf, signed up as a volunteer, made friends, found a safe haven, come out to my managers, and even...managed to do this injection. I'm overwhelmed by how kind life is being to me now that I'm taking steps.
I've been missing my hrt a lot lately. I've been sleeping weird hours bc I work nights and I stay up on my phone alot. it's been hard to stay motivated on my 'transition' desu. I tried a little in the beginning year but I've lost all motivation to shave or paint my nails or change my earrings or do my hair. I was always too nervous to voice train and honestly for 3 years the results have been awful. not some bpd/bdd shit either. I knew it wouldn't be great because I started after 18 and Im already 6'2 but I feel like the whole thing has made me uglier but it might just be the lack of taking care of myself. it's my fault for going through planed parenthood and getting hondosed but it works with my insurance and is pretty cheap + I'm scared of needles. I really just wish I could go back and try to rep after moving out instead of starting hrt. I don't wanna be stuck with cone tits while balding if I detrans. womp I hate my stupid faggot broke ass moid life.
>>44265249just do it, you'll feel better
>>44267161I did, I'm also >>44266270 . I've been feeling so mushy and sentimental all week. It's...freeing. You ever feel all your negative thoughts fall off of you, all your fears and frustrations and stress just melt away? If this is your brain on estrogen then fuck I might live the rest of my life a crystal-wearing, weed smoking hippie chick.
>>44265876I hope you don't/didn't :(You can talk about whatever's on your mind, that's the point of the thread. Don't bottle up your feelings and hurt yourself
>>44266350>I'm scared of needlesi think you could get an autoinjector if that helps a little maybe
posted this elsewhere: >>44268776but it really should've been here since it's much more of a ventpost than a sadpost i guess. oh well
>>44269265in the same situation. trying to be better though. slowly
burnp
>>44269035yes that would be really nice:3 could you walk me through how to use it too?
I want a bf but I can't post in gaygen because they are all mean to me for being a virgin.
>>44233845I'm freaking out right now so sorry if this is incoherent probably just a panic attack or something but basically I'm a repper/extremely mentally ill cis man who injected everclear into my balls out of seer desperation from being basically forcerepped by my current living situation. How likely is it that I'm going to die of sepsis or necrosis or something like that?
>>44270164as long as you cleaned the injection site and the needle you're probably fine
>>44270164>sepsisno you injected an antiseptic>necrosisdoubt itif there's something to be worried about it's that you just injected alcohol straight into your body, but since it's not intravenous or anything if you have a strong liver you're probably fine. another something to be worried about: being a eunuch is not fun. having no sex hormones makes for an extremely uncomfortable and miserable existence
>>44270205nta>having no sex hormones makes for an extremely uncomfortable and miserable existencecounterpoint: having male sex hormones makes for an extremely uncomfortable and miserable existence
>>44270203>>44270205Realistically it was probably just a panic attack and I feel better now, but the idea of having rotten dead tissue inside me fills me with disgust and wants it removed.
She used me and deceived me only to break my heart
>>44270216Real tbhon, I wish I built up the courage to do this many years ago even if I'm normally a neurotic faggot.
>>44270302im sorry anon. do they know how much they hurt you? what happened?
>>44270025i can try, ive never used one myself though but we will figure it out, my discord is ssbb910if you would like
>>44270302many such cases
>>44270504okie ty I'll add u when I get home from work
Still feeling kind of down today, but a little bit better than yesterday. The depression, loneliness, and heartbreak are still there, just a little duller.>>44263262Some people are just introverted (like me), but socializing is like any skill, practice makes perfect. I think you have the right attitude of just trying to do it more. Good luck, nona; I believe in you.>>44264889I know how bad depression & heartbreak can be... :(I hope things start looking up for you soon. Maybe you could distract yourself when you feel like rotting by forcing yourself to go for a walk? It doesn't always help for me, but sometimes I at least get "at least I did something" out of it.>>44265261I know things are hard right now, but they do get better. Hang in there, nona.>>44265876If I didn't care I wouldn't have made this thread. I hope you're still there. :(
what thoughts stop the thoughts ignore the thoughts hide the thoughts quell the thoughts crush the thoughts escape the thoughtskill the thinker?>no, don'tok but then how do i stop the thoughts
my numbers ocd is so bad it's killing me
I HATE BEING BORN A WOMAN RRRAAAGGGHHH I HATE MY SQUEAKY FEM VOICE I HATE MY F CUP TITS WHY DIDNT GOD MAKE ME A MANI pretend i'm fine in front of friends and family and they're nice about calling me him and i appreciate it greatly but hooooly fuck sometimes i'd rather die than live one more second in this stupid ass body.
>>44270504I tried to add u but it didn't work:(
>>44271448hey have you heard the song by young prisms?
>>44272871I hadn't, and it took me a minute to work out what "the song" was, but I figured it out. Good tune. Also you're sweet. <3
>>44272723ummm, weird not sure why that is, that is my account name and in the settings i have that everyone can add me, whats your discord?
i'd probably be able to rep forever if my dysphoria wasn't being triggered all the time by everyone directly and indirectly in my life, i'm not even sure if it actually is dysphoria, a fetish, or if i'm trying to just make up that my life has been shit as a man. i ordered E a month ago and it's just been sitting in my room. i feel horrible, i feel as though i'll be in this state no matter if i take the plunge or not. i wear the mask of a typical cis guy, and everyone loves it, while also tearing it apart, yet i'm not good enough to even be trans in any capacity. what do i even do at this point?
>>44273752oh it was the capital silly
>>44272095>WAITER MY LOBSTER IS TOO FLUFFY AND THE STEAK IS TOO DELICIOUS AND JUICY, AND WAITER THE WINE YOU SERVE IS TOO RICH IN FLAVOR, I WANT PISS
i made an embarassment of myself during my college orientation and i picked a major full of extraverts because im retarded so ill probably never make any friends and be a socially awkward loner 4ever
>>44276146Oh, come on faggot, you and i both know i can say the same thing to a dysphoric AMAB, that doesnt mean anything
>>44277340yeah man, you totally see dysphoric amabs go FUUUCK MY HUGE 8 INCH WEEENERR FUCKKKK MY ATTACHMENT TO MASCULINITY SUUCCCKKS. I bet you thought "oh i'll totally fit in if i call them a faggot too" like you're somehow more masculine by virtue of posting here
>>44268656>>44271448didntgot close again thoughknife wasnt clean enough and i couldnt clean itdont have any bandages or anything anyway so i'd bleed outpreferable option reallyi think i was having a mental breakdown or somethingnot surethink i also actually got some sleep for once because i woke up at 2 in the morning with my mouth all drynot sure if i'll stay up longer i hate the fact it's so easy to try and kill myselfmy pc which i'm typing on is right behind my bedroom windowit's just a job of stepping on my desk and onto the sill and opening the fire escape latchthing is it's not really that high so i'd think i'd just break some bonesi wish i could talk to my dad about this shitbut i don't want to worry him and to be honest when i do talk about things they just get worse, it always doesi wish i didnt come here to this place it ruined my life and i mean that but there's nowhere else
>>44277811You can unruin your life, too. Is there no one else you can talk to? If not, we're here for you. No one here wants to see you get hurt
hii don't want to go cyberpsychoi meet many people but i'm still aloneim starting to think that i don't exist in the real world at all
>>44273958>not good enough to be transwhat does that even fucking mean. just fucking do it omg hrtrep whatever but don't fucking let your body masculinize further when you can avoid it jfc
>>44278326>but don't fucking let your body masculinize further when you can avoid itim 21, from the age of 17 till now my brow ridge has increased to a prominent degree, more than even my other male peers, my hair around the temples has been receding, and both my facial and body hair have become so stubborn no matter what i try a thick stubble or shadow always remains. what the hell will hrt do for someone like me?? the damage has already been done, i cant just avoid it now
>>44279049>21it gets worse. but you've consciously given up so it shouldn't matter right? WRONG. your brain will soupify if you let this continue
I feel like I’ve missed out on years and years of my life being in a dead relationship for most of my transition (from 17-24) and now I feel completely unable to form a connection with anyone. I’m kinda ugly so I think it’s just over for me. I feel really jealous of everyone on here who’s had romantic or sexual experiences Im too inherently nervous to probably ever have. Me being an ugly tranny plus like two other traits make me probably almost completely undatable and I feel like I’ll never feel the loving embrace of a man. IDK why I’m even posting this it’s just got to me a lot.
>>44279089Dead relationship ain't mean shit. Was in one since I was 16 for 10 years. Broke up, got sharked by serial daters, and hoe'd around for a year before getting bored then my real life began. Still stalk his reddit and that faggot still complains about me leaving him. You can cram a whole shitton of life experience when homework and classes aren't getting in the way.
I hate being transgender! I mean I really hate it! I don't think I'm making an attractive woman but I never was very attract with some man either, I never really was a man I was a boy.I always had this funny looking heart-shaped face. Little boys would pointed me and think I had lipstick on. I had a hard time being male. I want to do just to be engaged but my penis would never get hard when I was with a guy. I never had sex with girls and I never wanted to. I just thought I was screwed up sexually. I never had anyone of any kind of family that had me intelligence to help me with any of it I was too much thrown out of my own when I was 15 years old. So I end up transitioning pretty young for the time I was living and I ended up living a very solitary existence. You see I never really wanted to get involved with any manual inside transition because I never want anyone ever wanted to tell anyone I had transition. I never wanted anyone to know it. Guys didn't hit on me very much so I kept it to myself. I lived a solitary life as a quiet woman in a small town. I empty existence, not worth living
>>44277659since your retarded ass doesn't know this, some people do hate their genitals. you're just lashing out because you're unhappy with yourself just like the rest of us
>>44279716womp womppooners are so easily bullied
lmao i literally just dyed my hair and fucking forgot until i looked in the mirror
>>44270375I don’t know if she fully understands how much she hurt me. I don’t think she does
i have been having such a shitty time lately,, plagued by constant flashbacks, always on the verge of tears or non stop crying, constant pain and sickness, soso much dissociation. ive been having terrible realisations about my past, and im so scared, i feel like that scared child all the time. and all this and no mental help, i hate it, i see ppl iknow with less severe conditions get the help and support they need while im helplessdespite me trying. i feel so so small. and ive been such a bad friend i havent been talking or responding to them bc i cant feel anything towards them.i need a hug but im so scared of touch and idk how to hug someone without feeling irredeemably evil
>>44266350It all seems pretty daunting some days... Voice training has been the biggest issue for me. Every time I try it, I get really discouraged and feel like I have no idea what I'm doing or what the tutorials are talking about. Hang in there, nona.>>44267186Yeah, when I first started E it hit me like a truck. I pretty much cried for a week, not even over sad things, just anything emotional. It does get easier, but you'll still retain the ability to cry. It's nice being able to let it out.>>44269265>>44269273Stay strong, nonas. The best time to plant a tree may be 20 years ago, but the second best is right now. It's not too late to make changes.>>44270285I'm glad you're feeling better, but if I'm understanding you correctly it sounds like you should talk to someone about being trans if you can. DIYing an orchi isn't a great idea... :(
>>44270302I'm sorry, nona. I wish there was something I could say to make it better, but I know how much heartbreak hurts... :(>>44271633You should probably try to talk to a therapist, nona. It might not have to be this way.>>44272095Biology is a real scam, huh? Why can't we just have access to the character editor at character creation...? -_->>44273958>i'm not good enough to even be transWhat? That's not how it works, sweetie. What you're describing sounds like dysphoria to me, and if you've already ordered E then I think you have your answer. There's no qualification list for being trans, if you don't identify with the gender you were assigned, then you are. Also, if you already have it, why not try it out? It's not like taking E for a short period does anything irreversible. Maybe you'll feel better.
>>44276919Or maybe one of the extroverts will adopt you and take you on a magical journey.>>44277811It sounds like a breakdown to me. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, but I'm glad you're still here. If you can't talk to your dad, it might be worth trying to find someone you can talk to. I'm happy to listen, but I'm no therapist. I think you need someone who can really help you. Hang in there, nona. :(>>44278208If you're talking about feeling alone in a crowd, I think I understand. A friend once asked me "you know when you meet someone who's just like you?""No," I said."Not like you are now, but like, how you used to be.""Still no. I've never met anyone just like me, past or present."I wish it wasn't so hard for us misfits to find each other in the world...>>44279089Sorry, nona. If you're not feeling fulfilled in your relationship, you can end it. Do you think there's any chance of saving it?
>>44280278I'm sorry, nona. I wish I could give you a hug. :(Why aren't you getting the help you need?
>>44281985>Maybe you'll feel better.i hope i do if i eventually start :').. you're very sweet, thank you. i really wanted to cry right about now, but i couldnt.. it's not something ive been capable of since my teens, i was never raised not to cry, it makes me feel really bad that i cant express happiness nor sadness through crying :(
>>44282602I know exactly what you mean; 30 years of "boys don't cry" left me unable to for a long time, even when I wanted to. The good news is E can help with that. As I mentioned in some of my other posts, when I first started taking it I could hardly stop crying for a week or two, but it felt good to finally be able to let it out.I believe in you, nona. What have you got to lose by trying it?
haha! i did not spam post the 7k characters blog i saved it to a text file and am still adding to it. i think about things all the time and i already know from school that writing them down commits them to memory but maybe that is the purpose of a journal, or diary since im very gay. i dont think i really need to *vent* as much as most people here. im kinda having a good time tho and i like u all. but i dont want to like takeover the thread or make it about me or take up too much attention. kinda funny bc my unifinished blog circles back around to like evangelion and assimilationism vs optics nukes. about to write the part about existing being greedy and how being clocky is secretly based asf. but that doesnt mean i should ignore my autism and not read the room, it would be inappropriate to post 10x as much as other nonas. besides exposing too much andd oversharing to the max. i used to try to make my posts on other sites shorter when i would argue and it was always a struggle to keep quotes under a self imposed char limit i made up not to bore people with dry tedium eyes glaze over and scroll past my posts. but now i blog freehand more than double what i used to quote off marxists.org lmao. i dont mind if you scroll past tho i know reading and writing is not popular these days. ok i will not ramble(anymore lol) i am only here to do the wake up bump <five>
>>44281825>Voice training has been the biggest issue for me. Every time I try it, I get really discouraged and feel like I have no idea what I'm doing or what the tutorials are talking about.me too, and especially bc when i ask in voicegen they almost never never help like i cant tell if gatekeepers or dead website. and im self conscious so it slows my progress but its not exactly a priority for me. i only practice with music and 99% of the time loud enough i cant hear myself and just match pitch/resonance.ive gotten really good at it, i think, and have a big range but i asked for tips on how to speak instead of sing and voicegen told me that means im doing it wrong and its a result of bad technique so i sorta gave up for a couple months even tho that was probably just a pol tourist who has no idea what they are talking about. and its worse cause i have a thing for voices.i just think of this one cute nona with the really nice voice. she was super passoid and i started to get a crush on her after all her posts, one time she posted that comic of the ackward hon and said that it looked like her at school and she had bad teeth and i was like oh no you have the cutest voice in the world and she said that she was ugly and no one liked her but that "your voice is the one part of your transition you have complete control over and is entirely up to the amount of effort you put in" and i thought wow that is so profound and inspiring and she is so cool and brave how could she think that about her self i wanna be like that im gonna do it im doing it slowly but im gonna get over my anxiety and record myself and lock in. i cant will myself into being shorter but if i can make my voice like the cutest asmr radio voice mouth sounds vocal fry disinterested make your legs weak when she speaks ever through sheer work then imma do it. seriously voices fuck me up good and i wanna be able to do that for someone.
>>44276919it will be ok. you should try again it will probly work out. i didnt get to do orientation bc i went to poor school and transferred in so missed freshmen year and had no friends. but they will pretty much make you team up to study so take advantage of that you can get peoples numbers and ask them for simple school related favors toward your classes like meeting up to copying notes as an icebreaker>>44282602>>44282708i couldnt cry for about 6 months after starting. idk if it just took time to stabilize or it was from increasing my dose. but other things took about the same time. i thought i was immune to baby trans retard or it wasnt working correctly. wrong! very wrong!lol i dont even read this site now except this thread
I miss you line. I should have tried harder to keep in contact with you and help you. You helped me so much and I didn’t give you almost anything in return. I feel like I have a hole in my chest. I know I can’t change anything now but I am sorry.
>>44283389>i couldnt cry for about 6 months after startingMaybe I'm an outlier. I just remember within like two days of starting I was bawling my eyes out watching slightly touching scenes in Star Trek. ^ ^;It's a little embarrassing, but considering how unable to cry I was before E, I was happy to finally be able to.>lol i dont even read this site now except this threadYeah, it's hard to find non-toxic places on here, but when you do they seem to be like no other. It's why I wanted to keep this thread going.>>44284037Are you able to reach out to them? Maybe they'd be happy to hear from you.
>>44284509No, I am fairly certain they have killed themselves.
>>44284584Oh...I'm so sorry...
haha wow. just got into an argument with my sister(brother) and started crying like a bitch lol. i was just trying to reassure them about something and they got mad that i was "pushing back". i used to opportunity to tell them im on hrt, then they had to go to the store so i cried more after they left. they even said they have been thinking about it too so i might give them my extra vial like i was planning to and i even got to tell them before my secret deadline. yay! technically thats sorta like coming out for the first time. i actually told someone irl. oh god lol im gonna cry again feel really fucked up and conflcited about this
>>44285907Congratulations. <3The first few times are the hardest, but it does get easier. I was a trembling wreck telling the first few friends over text. Take some time to breathe; it'll be okay.
>>44282293thank u :’). u are really kind>Why aren't you getting the help you need?basically, ive sorta recently turned 18 and the child services really suck in my country (i was actually kind of lucky, getting some treatment a lot faster than others bc i was considered urgent, but it was only for a few weeks many years ago and i never had the other things they referred me to). im trying to get help from the services they offer adults now, but the problem is that im moving very far so soon which complicates things. ive been bouncing between different services and my dr, and none of them can really do anything. its really demotivating, wanting to get better, seeking help and only finding that most professionals cant do anything to help. im struggling to find the will to get better, when after years of trying to get therapy, meds, whatever im met with nothing. it makes me question if im ‘severe’ enough for help but its stupid bc ive been inpatient and even then they just straight up dont do anything. i know that once ive moved i can try and refer to smth in that area but the next few months is very daunting, i feel like im getting worse while lying to everyone how stable i am. im so tired
>>44286482I'm sorry the system has let you down so badly. :(I hope you at least keep up your search after your move. It's pretty understandable feeling discouraged and tired after all that, but I hope you can find what you need if you keep looking after your move. You deserve to get help and to be happy.
it's hard not to become an incel when you keep running into manipulative women over and over. i'm tiring of taking the high road
I miss you Hailey
It's been a few threads since I whined about this, so I'll permit myself one. Still trying to get over my feelings for my friend. I don't know how you're like logically supposed to do that. I'm worried that they won't go away as long as I still talk to her. Even more worried that they won't go away even if I do stop. I hate every time I get a crush. It never goes well
ahh<nine>
>>44285987thanks it means a lot. it feels kinda important like its actually real now. despite it being quite a while already. kind of freeing for a lot of reasons even if super not ideal, asif that was ever possible lol
I just wanna remember what it's like for someone to cuddle me it's been 20 years.
>>44287070I think about the phrase "hurt people hurt people" a lot these days. I'm sorry you keep getting hurt. :(>>44287652:'(>>44287799Sorry, nona. I know this feel, too...>>44289398Yeah, I knew I was trans for a while before coming out to any of my friends. I think an adjustment period is normal for such a big revelation & change.>>44289530Me too... This morning I was thinking back to a time I was in someone's arms, my head nestled into their chest, and how content I felt in that moment. That was about 20 years ago, too. Instead of cuddles I got to hear "you take up a lot of the bed" from my SO this morning. I just want to be held again...
>>44233845I really can’t stop comparing myself to people online. There’s nothing more soul crushing seeing someone your age living the life you always wanted to. Not really sure how to cope with.
>>44291805"Comparison is the thief of joy," I think the saying goes, but I guess I never found that very helpful even if I didn't disagree. I wish I had some real advice, but I struggle with it too. Seeing someone who's crushing their transition is like... I'm happy for you, but sad for myself. Hang in there, nona.
kinda tired. appt I had a viewing for got sold. appt I was 5th in line for got accepted by someone else too, so presumably it's gone. then again the former was probably too close to traffic, latter too hot in the summer. 2 more where if 3 people reject them and I can apply first, I can get a viewing. one will drain me of all my savings but is at least 6th floor so bit further from traffic, other is 3rd floor but at least not at the intersection. fat chance I'll get either, but who knows. maybe I can still make progress toward starting to live in my current shithole. could be worse
>>44292451I guess I'm lucky that I didn't need to go through finding a new place to move to for my move, but moving sure does suck in general. I hope you find a place soon.Been really depressed today, mostly about my marriage. I think my SO was raised to believe that if you have nothing nice to say you shouldn't say anything at all, and as such the times she says nothing speaks volumes to me. But in times of stress that mask will often fall off, and she'll blurt out what she really thinks, and it's not often kind. The truth is she's a very critical and judgmental person but tries to keep it to herself, except things have been stressful all the time for a while now and the mask doesn't stay on much lately. I've been feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough, I'm always apologizing for something, and I'm becoming numb. I got to see an old colleague for lunch today and vent to her, and she's the latest one to suggest leaving my SO after telling her about all the things. I wish things were simple enough, that my situation wasn't so precarious, that I could really consider it. But I do think about it. I'm tired of feeling so alone.
Watering the thread so it grows big & strong.
Goodnight thread. I hope to see you when I wake up.
>>44294174I've been kinda thinking that the last few times yoj mentioned your partner. Why are you still with her? You've sounded completely miserable. Idk, I've never been with someone long term, so I probably just don't get it. Sorry if any of that sounded insensitive, I'm not sure how to tactfully ask any of this
it’s really late right now and i can’t sleep bc im so scared, i feel so scared i might throw up and j cant feel my body at all, i cant breath, and i feel dizzy and weak. i feel scared in the deepest level possible, i cant reason to it. something as simple as fuckign lying down triggers so many flash backs in me, i hate it i feel so dysfunctional, and theyreally hurts me physically. everything from sitting, leaning against a wall, undressing, showering, feels nightmareish triggers me. my cprsd has been so bad this few months, i don’t know what is happening, but im realising i can’t deny what’s happened to me, i can’t keep pretending all my memories are fake but i don’t want to come to terms with anything, i want to dream about a happy past, and they seem so fake they are so fragmented and i don’t really know anything , im scared no one will believe me because i dont properly remember. would anyone believe me if i didnt fully remember the abuse if its been greyed out of my head i dont know. i suspect i experienced organized sexual abuse growing up, i cant remember well, but my body does and it keeps replaying it to me. i keep thinking about how i might have been forced to hurt others, i dont want to believe this is true but i remember , if i got close with the other children there, rhey would do it, it makes me so scared, i never wanted to hurt anyone i barely leg myself think about it or right about it. inhope i can sleep soon i really need rest, my body is so weak lately
>>44297743I'm sorry. I know what you're going through. I don't think mine's as intense as yours, but I had a real bad flare up or whatever you'd call it of my cptsd a few months ago. Couldn't do anything without hurting. I hope you have someone you trust to talk to it about, that's the only reason I could make it through mine. If you don't, feel free to talk as much as you feel safe doing so here. Having such fractured memory feels awful. I soend a lot of time just trying to piece myself together and remember things as recent as a few days ago. And the people who use it against you are the worst. Actual subhumans. If you did hurt people when you were a child, I doubt that's your guilt to bear. The adults hurting and taking advantage of you are to blame. It doesn't sound like you would've done something like that if you'd had a choicr
Oh wow, Honey, I didnt realize you were running a thread. I guess Ive got some reasing to do. :S
>>44243237Oh Honey, darling, Im so sorry. :'( I wish I could hold you and tell you it'll be okay. I just couldnt keep holding your heart captive and telling you "I love you" when my own heart was rotting out of my chest. It felt wrong to do that to you. I care about you so, so much and if I could snatch you away from where you are, I would do so in a heartbeat. T~T>>44243392I mean, I AM evil, but thats not why. Truth be told I haven't had a solid date or even a good kiss in 6 years, ahaheh...heh..>>44233845I came in here to do my own little vent before I realized it was you and now Im not 100% sure. Im not well, sweetheart. In fact, I think Im the worst Ive ever been. I deserve all the misery I have but it doesnt stop me from crying my eyes out multiple times a day. I guess I finally cry maybe as much as you do, huh? Just took me absolutely ruining the last few good things I had going for me.I considered ending it a couple of nights ago, but realized my preferred method was likely going to just paralyze me. I got some of my fighting spirit back today, but who knows how long it will stick.Im glad youre persevering. Maybe one day Ill bridge the gap and finally see you face to face.
i lost a well paying tech job and i dont think im ever gonna be able to get another one. i have savings but they're gonna run out and im gonna be a burden on everyone around me. im a total failure and i dont think i provide enough value to be worth hiring in normal circumstances, let alone a time when every new job posting has 10,000 people who are more qualified applying instantly, and every application like mine getting instantly filtered out by ai. im probably going to have to get a service job out of desperation and i dont know how long i can survive that before it makes me kill myself. my gf can see the writing on the wall and i know she loves me but im sure going to be testing that love as a loser waste of space who can't provide anything for her
>>44298335Wow are you me? Im kinda in a very fucking similar spot. Shit's hard rn, nona. Hang in there, pls.
>>44296022this pic is literally me
>>44298315Whoa wait was Seraph x Honeydew really a thing or are you just fucking around?
>>44298404Once upon a time, I named the sweetest anon I had ever met Honeydew, and then she snatched my heart clean out of my chest. A lot of happiness and then a lot of heartache followed. If I could kidnap her from her negligent wife and keep her all to myself forever, Id do so in a heartbeat. Q~Q Its a painful story and I dont think I want to get too deep into interpersonals, but now Im sobbing all over again because my karmic grief for people Ive hurt just keeps racking up.
