i left my 4 year long relationship a month and a half ago and i got really close with another friend of mine afterward. talking with her and getting closer has made me realize i have more options for fulfillment than a romantic relationship or "normal" sex.i always preferred having my clothes on, not just for dysphoria reasons but just general comfortability. i'm not in love with the nude human body, i find it more neutral than sexy, i think that people just look way hotter covered up. fetishes that are not inherently sexual are more important to me than sex. i'm very sexually unusual and i like it when someone can match that, i don't like sex in the traditional sense. it gets deeper than that but i don't want to talk about it here.i found myself uncomfortable with showing "love" in multiple ways: holding hands, making couples' art of us, telling people i had a boyfriend, etc, and when he'd ask for me to do it more i just didn't want to. i loved him more as a friend, not as a partner.i've realized what i really want is a very close friend, or multiple very close friends. people i feel comfortable cuddling, kissing, getting intimate with, talking about deep topics with, to be weird with... i don't need romance. i need "queer platonic" love. it feels so weird to admit, but i think that's where i'm at right now. since getting closer with my friend and having discussions about things like this it's opened my eyes to the fact that i feel so fulfilled by just having friends. i think if i ever want a "life partner," i just want to be weirdly close friends. love has always felt like deep friendship to me, i just didn't realize it until now.it feels like i'm not forcing myself to be somebody else anymore. that i'm not giving up my real desires to do what i'm "supposed" to. it feels good.
