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>>44397796
i do everything for my family and it’s been going on for so long that no one is either willing or able to help out a bit. it drives me crazy and i feel like an entitled man whenever i ask them to help so as soon as they push back even a bit i relent and keep doing all the house work. the worst part is i know it’s entirely my fault for being such a doormat, but i’ve always been this way so i don’t know how to put my foot down without coming across as rude and feeling like a man. UGH
but my life really isn’t that bad so i can’t complain too much

>>44397796
My fav band dropped a new album a couple months ago, just listened to it and it sounds exactly like their previous stuff.
I was bored listening to it and that makes me a bit sad.

>>44397202
>seems to be what happened with my SO & I; we haven't been intimate in almost two years. I want to be treated like a woman, and her autistic ass doesn't seem to know what that means.
Glad to see its not a gendered experience at least. But are you happy in that dynamic? Its hypocritical as shit for me to ask given what im dealing with but its easier to see something is clearly a problem when it doesnt involve your own life. You've only got a fixed amount of years to live- is it worth spending even a part of them in an unfulfilling relationship once you become aware that's what it is?
>>44397883
What band? And for the thread, what are we all listening to cope?
Ive had The Hotelier's Home Like Noplace is There and Boygenius's "The Record" on repeat with a smattering of Carissas Wierd.

>>44396615
>What makes you think they're gossiping about you, exactly?
they look at me and then eachother and say things. it could be about my work but now im paranoid its about my presentation.

>>44396854
>dont leave just to get away from a non-issue
i know its almost certainly in my head. i dont think im gonna abandon my plan unless it gets undeniable and actually bad. im gonna give it another year and a half maybe two or so for the old person in the position i want to retire while gathering free resume points. literally got a recognition that sounded like an industry relevant interview question/response this week so yeah.

>>44397202
>after being on HRT for for a few years, now I'm 6'1". :')
oh no hahaha. i took my measurements right away when i started and thats how i learned im 6'4 in the morning and 6'3 at night. i didnt even get excited i was just like i measured wrong this is impossible but kept getting 6'3 cause i only checked after everyone was asleep lol. just checked im like 4mm above my 6'4 morning avg rn. probly posture or something. iguess delusional honfidence means i dont slouch anymore. i really wanted that mythical one inch loss

>>44397962
i am strangely going through my favorites backwards. that comment made me think of sparklers new album glidewinder. its kinda like a more energetic my bloody valentines loveless? idk its really good. i spent a month listening to it on repeat. on the rare times i listened to music it was always shoegaze until recently. then i got a lyric from an old underoath song stuck in my head 'up against your wall' and listened to that album a couple times. somehow that led to a month listening to taking back sunday and some new shouty screamy stuff and then a month listening to hardstyle, and more recently drum and bass. rediscovering all this is really nice even if its kinda blowing up my listening history and recommends. dubstep sucks tho lol. and emo lyrics really kind a hit different now

>>44397611
I'm sorry, nona. I know the feeling...
I wish I could bring you some soup & tea.

>>44397661
Is there something you could try instead? I've had okay experiences taking lorzepam on an as-needed basis. Usually if a given med isn't working for you, there are often alternatives.

>>44397850
Sounds like you know what you need to do, you just need a push to do it. I believe in you, but if you want to just try the passive-aggressive route, you could always stop doing the things and wait for everyone to notice.

>>44397962
If I were happy with the dynamic, I don't think I would have described myself as "affection/touch/love starved." ^ ^;
No, I'm not happy with it, but suffice it to say my relationship situation is complicated. You can probably get a decent sense of what I mean by looking through my posts in the old threads.

>>44398015
That does sound awkward. I'm sorry, nona. :(

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>>44397796
How do I meet people
I want to meet a girl who I can care about, someone who loves me for who I am despite me wanting to be an effeminate male
The women who I have met want me to be a stoic machine, I want to feel and be pretty and embrace someone

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Crossposting from a similar thread

Im so sorry. You were the best friend ive ever had. Ever. You were endlessly kind, gentle, and patient with me while still being such an amazing person. And I hurt you. I didnt mean to. I really really didnt. I love you. I love you so much it hurts. And that immense feeling made me so scared to hurt you. I hid early deceptions I made that were initially just a larp meant to make people feel desired, especially once I understood your history and trauma, because I was afraid it would hurt you... and when it finally came out, it did. I hid all of my weird, twisted, compulsive thoughts away on a part of the Internet I thought you wouldnt see because I was afraid that if I let them fester in my heart they might bubble up in harmful ways... and then you found them and they hurt you anyways.
I didnt mean any of those things in that way, but fuck if I cant prove it. Im not ogling you and treating you like an object when Im with you - most of the time Im lost in your beautiful eyes and your wonderful smile or entranced with our conversations or... Im not scheming to break your family up, I would never wish to see you suffer - I just had moments where I was so so mad and had nowhere to put that anger... i didnt think of you like a slut who was trying to coax me, I was weaving a stupid wistful story to people who knew neither of us and was never meant to be heard outside of those spaces. It was all dumb stupid sapphic yearning in a space that shouldnt have ever impacted either of us and yet it did and Im so sorry.
Im not evil
I dont view you as anything gross like that
I love you and I never wanted to hurt you. I promised I would never hurt you and I fucking mean it and I still mean it.
(1/2)

>>44398300
(2/2)
This past week - maybe the first of many - of no contact has ripped my soul absolutely to shreds. I miss you so much, I miss the good mornings and good nights and good lucks. I miss the little updates about your day. I miss the long walks in the evenings. I miss the passionate rambling about your hobbies and the things you loved. I miss the glint in your eye when you were excited. I miss watching you play with the kids. I miss the way youd lean your head on my shoulder, or how youd sit so close, or hook your arm around mine, or grasp my hand. I miss stroking your cheek to get your attention and the way you'd smile. I miss the teasing and the little shoves and little slaps. I miss the tiny little "yay" when I picked you up sometimes. I miss the little hums youd do or the way you would just start singing... GODS I miss listening to you sing, I could sit wrapped up in your song until my soul turned to dust. I miss gaming with you. I miss the smiles, from the goofy grin you snap sometimes to that contented smile I saw sometimes when you seemed truly happy. I miss the ways we danced, twirling each other to greater emotional heights. I miss... you. You became an integral part of my life and I knew the entanglement couldnt go on forever, but I didnt want our very friendship to just stop.
Im lost without you. Its heartbreak like Ive never experienced in my entire life. Please dont let this be forever.

>>44398250
>suffice it to say my relationship situation is complicated
Yeah fuck. Im sorry. I can relate. Not the tism part but like... the part where they need you and you cant bring yourself to say anything bc you're afraid of hurting their feelings. And at a certain point- idunno if you feel this way- but you lose the energy to advocate for your needs and the relationship is just resentment and inertia. And even if they change for the better, youre not sure if you can learn to love them again after everything they put you through. So your options become stay and remain unhappy or leave and take a chance on a less depressing future.

I had basically resigned myself to the former after she told me she was pregnant (about halfway along rn) but now im not so sure. Theres so much about her that ive just kind of resigned myself to, but I dont want to put a kid through it and I dont want my kids life to be two parents who resent each other more than they get along.

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>>44398044
mfw I first found out. I figured I had to be imagining it when I started noticing the angle at which I look down at my SO had gotten steeper, but then I measured it four times and found I had indeed grown an inch. It was funny when I told my family doc (who has zero trans healthcare training) about it; she got me to stand on the measuring thing, then spent close to a whole minute looking me up & down to make sure I wasn't standing weird or anything, then just said "huh." Before HRT I was a very consistent 6'0" since reaching that height. It amused me in high school looking down like 4" at the guys on the basketball team who were "6'3"."
I've been tall for so long that I'm kind of resigned to it. The extra inch is just the universe giving me another middle finger. Now it's just a funny story.

>>44398283
I'd try queer spaces in general as a start. No telling if you'll find love there necessarily, but they tend to be more open to gender non-conformity.

>>44398377
Yeah.
Yeah...
All of that sounds extremely familiar to me. It's for the best that we don't have a kid, even though I kind of always wanted one and hormones made children a lot more endearing. She was clear all along she never wanted kids, and the experience with the dog made it very clear that not having one was the right call. I never wanted the dog; he knows it, I know it, everyone knows it. I couldn't stand doing that to a child, knowing only one parent really wanted them. She even told me on several occasions over the years that she'd be willing to for me, but it never seemed right. Now I know it wouldn't be right. But I'm 40 now, and have been on anti-androgens for long enough that it's not clear if it's even possible for me anymore, anyway. Just another regret for the pile, I guess, even if it was the right decision.

>>44398300
why would you not just send this to them if you want them to see it so bad?

>>44398633
NTA, see "no contact" part of post.

My boyfriend is not interested in sex anymore and I feel bad that I want to break up with him just because of it. If I had to choose between a cool and loving boyfriend with no sex, and a terrible boyfriend with great sex, I would choose the former without a shadow of a doubt. But no sex still makes me feel miserable

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>>44397796
Literally the day after I signed on a house a better one in the absolute perfect location for the same price hit the market…the world is trolling me

>>44398757
Why care? What's done is done.

>>44398300
>>44398307
I'm not the addressee but I thought this was wonderfully written

>>44398738
That's a tough position to be in. Do you know why he's not interested anymore?

>>44398757
Would you have been unhappy with the house you got if it weren't for this other one? Congratulations, in any case.

>>44399286
>Do you know why he's not interested anymore?
I don't know, I take care of my body so it's not like anything changed on thay front. One of his friends told him it could be some hormonal imbalance, but he has been neglecting the issue for years now. Thanks for your compassion.

>>44399375
Maybe you should try talking to him about how it's affecting you. I know that's probably hypocritical advice coming from an RSD having dummy like me, but you deserve to be happy.

>>44398250
>I wish I could bring you some soup & tea
Thank you, the thought means a lot. Hate that the loneliness part is getting to me more than what might be food poisoning, lmao. Actually just made myself some tea, though :)

>>44398757
Sake thing happened to me when I got mine, lmao. Sorry to hear that, they absolutely do it on purpose :p

>>44399422
We did talk about this so many times, I was just never completely honest about this feeling I have of almost wanting to break up because of this... I figure that might hurt him deeply, since it's something he might have no control over whatsoever. Maybe it's time to take that risk after all. And sorry to hear about your condition, must be tough to put your thoughts out there on 4chan of all places. I respect your courage.

>>44399655
I'll be okay. It's just nice to have a name for the way I've been my whole life. Good luck, nona. I guess I would just say, don't make it an accusation or an ultimatum; see if you can get him to explain where he's at about it, and why it doesn't seem to matter to him. Communication is important, even if I happen to suck at it...

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>>44397796
this board used to be the only place i felt safe to post on, since i was 15 i have been lurking and posting here (don't rape me jannies) i'm 21 now and the state it is in now makes me so fucking upset i've genuinely been crying over it, as retarded as that is. i miss the friends that i made here and lost contact with, i miss when this place was actually for people with brainworms and trannies who were "toxic" and now it's literally just a place for /pol/ to spam and not much else. it hurts so bad. i miss old /lgbt/ a lot. i miss when we got to have /frengen/, and it was good. i miss when the generals weren't the same 5 people that shit on everyone who isn't them. i hate it here, i'm never coming back because it's not the same website i used to love anymore. don't even get me started on the fucking "4chan discord servers" that get posted on here like /lesgen/ or /chasergen/ or whatever the fuck. i hate it so so much and i miss all the friends i made a lot. i know no one will care and this is just a schizo rant but i'm sad and this used to be my only safe place to post, it was literally a safe space to me. i used to come here during my darkest moments and now i don't even wanna come here when i'm in a good mood. i give up. goodbye anons, i don't think i belong here anymore.

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>>44399725
I've been on this shithole of a site since moot wished to be the little girl. I get it. But I still think there's nowhere else like it, even if the poltards have shitted up every board. There are still some gems worth staying for, I think, both threads and people. It's why I've kept coming back after all these years.

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>>44397796

I shouldn't have tried to be your friend or anything more than that either. I don't make those kinds of mistakes anymore. Tired of risks. Tired of regret. Just plain tired as well. Some part of me revolts at being boxed into this tiny corner of existence. The rest of me knows it doesn't matter if I'm treated unjustly. I'm not going to change it snd even if I did we are all going to die soon. Better off distracting myself until the end. I hope you have fun even without me, as always. Wish you the world. Just not my corner of it.

>>44400372
I sure hope you told them youre not coming back. Nothing worse than feeling left on the hook with a potential "maybe"

I wish I were normal. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I can't seem to make any friends. I feel like every time I meet new people, they try to avoid me afterwards. Am I doing something weird? Did I say something wrong? Was I coming off as too pushy or too reserved?
I wish I could ask them what was wrong with me but wouldn't that also be a social faux pas? "You were fine, don't worry about it too much" while thinking "gosh, how clueless could you be?"

>>44399422
its like a series of incredibly inprobably extremely nannoying thingsthat just all add up all day or week long until i am shaking with rage and want to fucking scream. i was just passive aggressive to a group of retail workers because i went while it was busy like a fucking idiot and was inconviencienced. . im gonna go for a long bike ride.

>>44400537
i have no idea whyhow i quoted that post. its gonna storm soon im gonna ride into the lightning screaming fuck

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No amount of estrogen is going to give me back my childhood. I can't sleep, I just had the realization that no matter what I do my life will always be incomplete. There will always be a hole where my childhood was supposed to be. I never got to be a girl, I never got to be a teenager and it's driving me insane because it's not fair that everyone around me got to live a normal life. Trannies do this thing called bait and switch. They promise a life as a woman, but give you a second rate body. While it is still attractive in your eyes, it's actually a mutilated version of what you can never have. I'm just so sick of being a gender dysphoric twink taking estrogen so he doesn't kill himself :(

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>>44400436

It doesn't matter. Someone you depend on can leave you at any time. What matters is you can no longer depend on them.

>>44400695
I guess Im a little touchy because I got left on a maybe, but you sound very jaded and kind like an asshole. Come on, man, at least drop a "we cant talk anymore, enjoy your life"
Or dont. Idk who tf you are or anything about your situation.

>>44400722

When you tell me how you feel I can only offer a solution or a refutation. Or silence. All the same price. Which one do you want.

My boyfriend and I do amazingly in life. Storybook romance, he's a wonderful man, we've talked about marriage, all the good stuff.
But I can't have kids with him. It's the most painful thing that I have ever felt. I feel like such a useless waste of space for it.
I've always been way more "traditionally feminine" or however you want to call it and I've always dreamed of having a family. Now that I'm with the love of my life it hurts so badly. I hate my body.
I feel like a walking graveyard with potential lives that will never be lived with me. I won't ever have a child who looks like him or I. It makes me feel like my life has no point.

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>>44400766
Im not sure I understand. Im not very smart and cryptic stuff just confuses me. But I do know that talking stuff out always makes more sense, even if the final answer is "part ways" - and that sounds like solution and the opposite or silence, so... solution?

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>>44400840

If someone feels bad when their relationships end ambiguously the solution is to stop expecting things from others. That way if it ever happens again, your expectations aren't let down. Hope that clears it up.

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>>44400924
Hm! Nope! I reject that notion wholly! That is a path of despair and loneliness! At least, it is to me. And for a blazing spirit like myself, that is also the path to death.
Im sorry for whatever has happened to leave you feeling so jaded, stranger. And sorry for pestering you. Im seeing creeps in the shadows tonight due to sleep deprivation.
Alas. I hope you can find some hope in people again soon! Good friends you can trust does make things a lot brighter.
Ill keep holding out that my maybe will materialize into something once the dust settles. I trust her, after all, even if we arent friends right now.
I hope you have a nice evening. ^-^

I honestly feel bad posting this because I don't know, but I'm worried my friend has a crush on me. Problem being that she has a girlfriend and I'm into someone else. She just does stuff that feels like couple stuff towards me. And she gets really weird when the subject of the friend I have a crush comes up. Like, she brought it up and I genuinely thought she was talking about another friend of mine because she was being so vague about it when she could have just said her name. Then for a while afterwards, she got all weird and cold and I realized "oh, that's not who she was talking about and she probably thinks I was being evasive." Which, truthfully, I would've been evasive because the person I have a crush on is the single subject I usually don't talk about with my friend. She was super supportive of me meeting someone until I found someone I was interested in. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'm gonna have to bring this up tomorrow because clearly even if I don't talk about it, it's still gonna be an issue. I don't know because now I'm worried that if I do ever date this girl, that I might lose the best friend I've ever had

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got SA'd by a guy at a bar in Shinjuku 2chome. serves me right for trying girlmoding. it wasnt even that slutty. it was a long brown skirt to my ankles, a button down argyle tshirt (both from uniqlo) and a grey ribbed cardigan over the shirt.

he was absolutely hammered and also got weirdly racial about it. he said he had never seen a "species" like me before (I'm white?? he told me he was half peruvian half japanese) and told me my body was cute. I laughed awkwardly and said thank you, but then he got angry and said "when someone tells you your body is cute, you don't say thank you! you say I know and you let them prove it"

Pushed me up against bar counter and the dumb trans bitch bartender couldn't recognize I was in distress. I was slapping the bar counter trying to get people to notice and she just stood there.

Thankfully some salarywoman saw what was happening and intervened, stepping between us. but because of that the guy started like kissing her neck and it made me feel awful like i inadvertently caused this. she was very sweet and told me it wasnt my fault multiple times through google translate and actually got a taxi to ride back to my apartment with me to make sure i got home safe.

but holy shit i feel terrible. and i was really nervous to post this because its fucking tttt so i know people will either call me a pervert, ask why i didnt enjoy the only sexual contact ive ever had, or tell me i made it up

still processing. told my mom and she essentially blamed me for going to an lgbt bar in the first place

i'm 30 and i've lived with paralysing fear of... everything... my whole life

i'm taking steps, improving, getting better at making decisions and committing

but the big one is always relationships - how do you let someone close? how do you reach back out to someone you pushed away and say "no, i actually do want to do this with you and find some way for it to work"?
i know the "i'm scared, so i'll do it scared" thing, that's what i've been doing. but this, with another human being and all of their everything, the good the bad and the ugly, the responsibility and commitment to each other
how do you do it?
just a leap of faith, like everything else?
how do i trust myself enough to jump like this?

i don't know what i'm doing anymore, but i want to try. really, i never knew what i was doing, but when i try it seems to have a way of working out. not always good, but the bad is just learning, innit?
i never lose, only win or learn
wish me luck, fags

>>44401174
That's not your fault at all. Like, no one can even say that it's because of how you're dressed because you sound like a librarian. That dude sucks and I'm so glad that that lady was there to help. Your mom sounds like some sort of phobe jf she immediately thinks you should and are going to get raped for being in lgbt spaces. I'm sorry that happened, please don't let it deter you from girlmoding again, you deserve to be happy

>>44397883
That's the experience I had with Ghost's new album. It wasn't bad but it was just boring.

>>44398757
If you're pre closing you can get out of it. If you're past closing put an offer on the better one and sell as a contingency. It's just a little money it's not like you moved in already or anything. Compared to the cost of the home the money burnt getting what you really want is negligible.

>>44401174
dont blame yourself for the woman getting harassed. she made a choice to intervene, knowing it could result in her becoming a target

>>44400537
went 20 miles. came home dry. dont really feel better desu. ive been falling asleep early which means i wake up early so im having a midnight coffee and then im gonna shave my legs and get drunk.

>dont fuck it up
having no responsibilities is so much easier cause theres nothing to fuck up

>>44398916
Straight from my heart, pure stream of consciousness. Thank you.

Girlmoded to a concert last night, ended up meeting a group of people at the show and got invited to go get dinner with them afterwards.
Dinner was nice and everybody was super friendly and just chatting about their lives and interests and they all seemed happy to have me there. Even for some contact info from some of them.
It's weird. I spent so much time bracing to feel embarrassed and ostracized for being trans but people don't really care.
I can't help but feel like I've socially stunted myself for no reason

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Kind of a positive "vent"
Sent my medical documentation to my to a veteran support lady - who I spent an hour talking to face to face last week in boymode.
She responded by apologizing that she didn't know I was a trans man (my gender dysphoria is on the docs but it doesn't specify the direction) and asked if she should start referring to me as he/him.
I... guess I pass for real. Huh.

>>44403964
Hell yeah
You made it
I'm in a weird position where people can clearly tell I'm trans but don't know which direction since I'm kinda twinkish
I wonder if I could consistently pass if I put more effort into makeup and did something about my eyebrows

I got the thing I was looking forward to. My SO went back to work this morning, and I got to get up in my own time, do a few chores at my own pace, have a cup of coffee & sit. Then being able to relax for a moment for the first time in over a week made everything hit me at once. The loneliness, the isolation, the self-loathing, the heartbreak, the dysphoria... I started crying and couldn't stop for almost an hour. Somebody That I Used to Know has been playing on repeat since I woke up, and it's making me break down too. I'm sorry if I'm not around much today. I'm not okay.

I'm starting to realize how much I fucked up. It was so stupid for me to stick around here. I should've just left. I just wanted to have stability for once in my life and I still don't really have it now. I want support, I want someone that'll help me and make me not feel like a freak. It was dumb to buy a place and lock myself in to a town where I get threatened to be hate crimed for doing my job. It could be worse, I at least have distance from my family now, but they're still around more than I'd like. With the money I had, I could've left. But where would've I even gone? What I've got now isn't even that terrible, it's just not the stability I was looking for. I'm an accident away from having nothing and I can barely keep up with what there is to do. Part of me thinks that I would've been better off if I'd just died when I was 18 like I'd planned
>>44404401
I'm so sorry. I wish things would be better for you. You always seem so good to everyone and you've been there for me a lot, personally. I wish there was something I could do to make things better for you. That I had the right thing to say or the right advice to make things okay. I'm sorry. I hope you feel better soon

>>44404570
I'm sorry nona :(
I'm in a kinda similar position
Stuck manmoding at work because all my coworkers are old conservative cis men and it's really uncomfortable because they can tell something is up with me.
I got an engineering degree thinking I found coast by on that income but I'm still always one bad accident away from losing everything.
Whoever here said engineering was a trans coded job is fucking insane lmfao in the only visibly queer person at my job and it's not even by my choice

My HRT came early, I took it but I feel really sick after taking it
I don't think it's related to the pills though but I hate feeling sick

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>>44404570
Yeeeaaa this is familiar. Locked myself into my deep south hometown because I needed the proximity to family and my (now former) best friend is here and I really really really needed the social support for the things I was planning to do to try to break out of the fucking cage ive built for myself and...
Family is being distant and flaky
Partner's family transphobic
Best friend now hates my guts and wont talk to me because a lot of reasons
Cant find a job which means I cant even follow through with the divorce issue
Now dont even want to divorce because I dont have someone to keep me from losing my nerve when he inevitably threatens suicide
Struggling to get out to try to make new friends because its hard to justify when I need to be looking for work and keeping the home clean and the mounting depression isnt helping that
I think I did something besides cry and fail to sleep for the first time in 10 days yesterday and im pretty sure it was because I was so sleep deprived and depersonalized that I couldnt muster the energy to cry so... progress?
I just feel... trapped. More than ever before. And im struggling so so hard no to relapse on my internalized transphobia and blame it on being trans (the reason I lost my job and other things)
Ig at least I dont deal with much transphobia, but...
Im trapped.
This is how my story is going to end.
>>44404761
I felt light headed for a while after my first shot. I think just anxiety, esp cuz I have a fear of needles.

>>44404985
Missed the part where being locked into my marriage makes me want to detrans just so I can have the emotional numbness deal with my husband's bullshit. I stood over the dumpster with a bag full of my hormones the other night for way too long before just shoving them in a suitcase in the back of my closer and just sobbing into my pillow for way too long.
I just feel cornered in every way possible and I want more and more to just set off a (metaphorical) bomb in my life and blow everything apart.

>>44404698
It sucks that my post seemed to strike a chord with people :(
Yeah, whoever told you that is crazy. Maybe in some areas there's more trans people working in that field, but it's always seemed male centric to me. I think I'm in a similar position at work where I'm an open secret because two of my coworkers immediately figured me of after I wore a shirt that was too tight. Fucking hate it. I already had people making comments to me, though, so idk
>>44405011
Please don't give up :(
I was so happy to see your positive vent, you don't have to give up who you are. If your husband tries to pull the suicide card, he's just being manipulative. And even if he were to do it, that wouldn't be your fault. Please be strong. I may not be a person actually in your life, but I support you. You deserve to be happy. I know what a lot of what you're going through is like and it's hard. I might even be speaking from the view of someone who can't actually get over it herself, but you can do it. This won't be the end for you. I'm so sorry that it sounds like you don't have suppoet systems anymore, but I know you can rebuild them. I don't know how to, but sometimes you just get lucky if nothing else. Please be safe, please don't give up

>>44405111
Nice trips.
I dont deserve to be happy. Ive earned my misery extremely thoroughly, right down to the last lost lock I snapped onto my cage.
I wont truly give up. Frankly, I dont think I know how. That's the one good thing people always have to say about me - I never quit. But I am going to suffer a lot.
I know his sui threats are manipulation, but ive caught him trying to off himself (last October? Or maybe it was the one before that) and i still care... and I dont want my kids to go through the death ot a parent. His threats make me back down every time. I always make myself smaller for him. Honestly I make myself smaller for almost everyone i get close to. Kind of a problem. Maybe a few people ive ever known in my entire life I didnt have to change or become smaller for. I wish I had more of that.

>>44402296
>get drunk
lol it worked. i had coffee at midnight stayed up till like dawn blasting cones and listening to music. did my makeup at like 4 am then took it off and took a sleeping pill. solid 7 hours sleep didnt wake up till noon and i feel too fucked up to do anything so probably wont get in trouble today. im not even that sore tho lmao. i think i need to build a bigger bike for better ergo. i could probably go much further.

>>44405372
Then earn your happiness, dummy. You can deserve it even if you don't think you do right now. Locks have keys, you aren't stuck there forever. I forgot you have kids and that certainly makes the situation much more complicated, but something can be figured out. You were stong enough to make it this far, you can make it a bit further. Please don't deny yourself happiness forever. The pain doesn't have to be permanent

>>44404570
Me again. My positive messages for everyone else still stand. I'm not gonna make it, though. I feel like I'm dying as I type this. I'm so fucking stupid. It's literally just my fault I feel like this. I feel like I'm gonna vomit but nothing's coming up. I feel like I need to cry more and I can't. I'm going to crawl into the shower and pray this can be washed off. It's so fucking nothing compared to all of my problems, but it's killing me. It's just exactly what I was afraid of

I think I just got hit with the actual death knell. Well deserved. Goodnight, thread.

>>44405867
What happened?
>>44406073
What happened???

I feel like exploding why does my ex need to ruin my life even after I broke up with her

>>44406237
>>44405867
I'm that loser girl who comes in here whining about her crush on her friend that she can never be with. She's cool and amazing and way better than me. Well, she got with someone that I could in no way ever compete with. And all I'm stuck with are the thoughts that if I hadn't spent my whole life fighting for the exact thing I was complaining about in my first post, I could've been someone worth her noticing. I gave up so much for this. Just so I could hurt more. And even if it wasn't her, I could've lived my life, it wouldn't just be pain. I wouldn't be crippled and scared and alone. I just wanted stability and support and I managed to do nothing but fuck it up even more. The whole world is thousands of miles away from me and I'm just an imitation of a human. I'm not allowed anything
>>44406073
Please be strong. Please

>>44406670
Oh hey Seraph. Turn your trip on, youre not fooling anyone that matters.

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>>44397796

> neighbor has younger daughter ~6 years younger than i am
> befriend because shared interests
> start texting alot
> she starts to grow attached to me as a surrogate "big sister" and admits shes being abused at home and that she "loves me"
> tell her she's crossing boundaries
> says she will kill herself if i abandon her
> decide to accept this out of fear
> neighbors find out
> accused of being pedophile
> family doesnt invite me to stuff anymore
> mfw

>>44406704
Dat aint me. Plus the story doesnt line up, even if it shares similarities. Plus I know people who know me read my shit here so adding lies to my stories when Im already reeling for lying a lot would be even more foolish than I already am.
That said, I sympathize with them and definitely suffered a crushing blow at the same time. Universe seems to love to echo.
Didnt want to talk but I didnt want to he mixed up with someone else. Blegh.

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A,
Im actually very mad that you told her the things I said about yalls relationship without telling her why I felt that way. About how you (by your own admission) fostered the connection that drew me to you and emotionally entangled me with you. (Yes, Im responsible for it, too. Takes two to tango). About how mad I was that she made you feel so lonely so often and how that led to your self harming behaviors (which Im sure she still doesnt know about) and how that made me so so angry. The way she worded it to me felt like it was framed as if I was just trying to be a homewrecker. Of course her hurt towards me was righteous, because she saw me as an interloper instead of a friend who was deeply hurt and concerned for the person who had come to matter the most to her. Cuz, you know, I could have told her these things directly instead of spewing them out on some dank corner of the internet I thought you wouldnt see. But my promise to you mattered then and it matters now. So Ill let you frame me as a homewrecker and you'll have the live with that. Because yea, I fucked up. But Im not the only person in this mess lying to people who are important to them.
And to think I went over a week thinking there was a way back. You got onto me for trying to rob you of a chance to fix this, and I hung onto those words for hope, but it was already broken beyond fixing. There is no hope for me.
You wanted me to be mad at you? To hate you? Well, I did warn you that my hate looks like bitter cold silence.
Im none of your business anymore. Whether I live or die, trans or detrans, stay or go, not any of your business. And you are none of mine. We are ghosts to each other as far as Im concerned.
Last word: Tell your wife the fucking truth. Not just about me, but about everything.
-V

>>44401307
>how do i trust myself enough to jump like this?
for me it's easy if i believe i will be okay in some other way even if i fail
ofc i will be less okay, but it wont be the end

>>44400824
>My boyfriend
:(
>I feel like a walking graveyard with potential lives that will never be lived with me.
hmm im glad you lived a good life so far
>It makes me feel like my life has no point
>My boyfriend
>we do amazingly in life
>I'm with the love of my life
>feel like such a useless waste of space
>feel like my life has no point
ill keep my mout shut
>I won't ever have a child who looks like him or I
vain imho
if you adopt it seems like an actual real child in need would be given a wonderful life
sorry if i sound like an asshole nona, but you already won a lot in life so maybe it's time to think about helping someone else win? especially because you would be winning too?
t. bitterhon i guess

>>44406704
Why would we be the same person? Why even bother asking? I should just be a namefag at this point considering how much I post here. I'm the one who apologizes every time I post about this stuff because it's a waste of time to do it every other thread, if that clears it up any. Not that I'll be complaining about it now

If you want to talk you know where my door is.

>>44397796
Im russian, tranny, refugee, and i hate my life immensely, im most hated living being possible

>>44406562
ruin her life back

>>44407602
Actually, fuck it, Ill unambiguously own this with my name attached.
>>44398300
>>44398307
These, too. I may be mad and frustrated and despairing and descending into a cold rage but yet everything here still holds true.
Uuugh fuck my life, I hate having complex emotions. Gonna go watch the trains or somethn.

I just learned that someone I care for deeply has been suicidal since we've known each other. She essentially told me that I'm the only thing keeping her going, and I have been for years. There's no way for me to give her the happiness she deserves, and I have no idea how to stop her from killing herself because I can't be everything she wants. She refuses to take care of herself, and even if she doesn't kill herself directly she'll probably end up doing it through neglect. We don't live together. I'm not going to be able to force her to eat healthy food. I can't fix her, and even if I could, that's not my job. Ghosting her would be no different from shooting her myself, but I can't handle the kind of neediness she shows. I hate the way she idolizes me after all I did was treating her the way I would any friend. I don't know how to deal with this.

>>44408823
Ngl thats one of those "set hard boundaries" kinds of situations. And Im saying that as the kind of person to become like that. Either set boundaries and see if theyre respected or just walk. Other people's lives aren't your responsibility - gotta take care of yourself first and if theyre draining you, well, it is what it is.
Hopefully itll server as a wakeup call to her.

>>44408823
I'm like really sorry, but I have to make sure this one isn't about me. Didn't say I was suicidal earlier, but might've come of this way. Does your friend's name start with C? Also, like the other person said, set boundaries. You aren't responsible for an entire other person. She needs to learn to feel okay on her own. You may be able to help her with that, but don't hold her hand, she has to stand on her own two feet
>>44408422
I only got to read the first post, but that sounds pretty fucked, I'm sorry. I tend to be in the camp that the person who actually did the cheating is in the wrong way more than the person they cheated with. If I'm misinterpretted this situation, I'm sorry, I'm drunk. Regardless, I mostly just wanted to say that I'm glad you're still with us, Vee :)

>>44409048
No cheating or anything like that. ~.~' I wouldnt dare.

my grandma called me fat today and nobody has noticed ive lost over 25 pounds in the past two and a half months. right now im 139 im going crazy i was feeling better since my waist was 36 inches to now 31 inches aaaaaaaaaaa

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>>44409101
Sorry, misinterpretted. I thought the situation was someone badgering you into getting with them while they were in a relationship. Drinking a lot, contemplating liver damage, so I can't really read, I apologize

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The pavement below looks so enticing...

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>>44408823
Coming from someone who has been badly abused by pretty much everyone in her life... i quickly started to idolize the one person to finally treat me with some genuine kindness. She attempted to ward it with "this is how I treat any friend" and missed that all that means to me is that she is exceptionally kind to every person she meets - which is even MORE amazing.
I oft feel like a dog thats been hit its entire life being shown a gentle hand for the first time.
Like, how am I not supposed to get extremely attached and loyal? "Your" amazing all encompassing kindness is literally the single ray of light in the endless black of my life. It IS exceptional - most people are rat fucking bastards.
Of course, the person that was like that to me is gone from my life now (or on the way out) and Im back to the status quo of the other 30+ years of my life: either being totally alone or surrounded by adults who would stab me with a smile on their face for a dime... the thought is pure ropefuel.
But yk what? It wasnt her job to keep me alive. Im mature enough to accept that. Ive been on the path the oblivion for years and all that probably was gonna happen was I was going to drag her to hell with me.

>>44408906
You're right. It's hard to walk away. I don't know that I'm strong enough, but I guess one of us needs to be. Saying if she kills herself I'll never speak to her again might work.

>>44409048
I'm completely certain you're someone else.

>>44409399
This framing helped. I think I need to stick to saving people willing to grab the life preserver.
Thanks, anon(s).

>>44409874
>someone else
Thank you. Sorry, I'm paranoid, you type nothing like her. I'd just expressed that I was worried that she pitied me and wasn't fully convinced she was being honest. I'm a shitty friend, christ

Do know that the last thought on my mind will still be how much your smile meant to me. I hope you find happiness even once Im gone. Goodbye.

I think the thing that hurts the most is knowing that the time we spent together wasn't real.
I thought I spent a day helping you and your family clean, and you were daydreaming about maid outfits and telling your friends about all the "sexual tension"
An evening spent gaming on your couch and all you were thinking about was my PJs fitting too tight
I called you my sister, and said that I was happy to be in your family and you were telling people about how I was obviously trying to flare up your siscon kink.
And not just me! She confided in you about her mental illness and you were talking to strangers about how you think it makes her not good enough for me. She comforted you when you were crying in our living room and you started telling everyone you were going to try for a threesome.
I desperately miss my friend. I miss telling her everything. I miss spending quiet moments with her. I miss my sister.
The weekend I got married. You, pretending to be a terminally ill teenager, messaged me screenshots of you posting on 4chan, about how devastating it was for you that I was getting married, while you messaged me your congratulations from your main account.
How could I know if the person I miss was even real?

I am not a victim in this. Nothing in this situation happened without my encouragement. Same as it was with Logan I guess.
I hope it's not forever. I hope some day I get to be your friend again. I wanted a future together. I wanted to be there to watch them grow older, I wanted to see you get married to someone you love, I wanted to tease you about gray hairs and show you stupid music and go shoe shopping. And I probably stole all of that from us.
I'm sorry.

>>44410071
Please keep living. There're more smiles to be had :)
You're smile must mean something to someone, too

>>44409134
good job nona, im proud of you

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>>44410205
Im too frazzled to fully process everything. But.
I said it before and Ill say it again, that place was a space I used to get out the stupid call of the void thoughts and make up a stupid larp about some fantasy world where the most amazing person Ive ever known liked me a lot more than she really did. The thoughts on my mind in the moment and during the days and times we spent together were none of that.
That wasn't the real me. It was the worst version of me and youre buying it hook line and sinker over the real me that you saw every day.
This >>44398300 is the real me, who loves you so much that the sheer empathic pain she felt from hurting you ripped her heart out. This >>44398307 is the real me, who misses every single little interaction so much that even a week without your presence has shredded her soul to ribbons. Even this >>44407602, who was so deeply wounded by finding out that I was presented like a homewrecker when all I REALLY wanted was to see you smile no matter what (and boy did I fuck that up), that cold rage and hate began to fester in her heart - even that is the real me. And despite it all, I STILL care about you, STILL want you in my life, STILL want to see you happy. I want all of those things you said in the end, because youre family to me (and no, no "siscon" weirdness behind that statement). I LOVE YOU, YOU DORK, AND EVERYTHING IVE DONE IS CAST AGAINST THAT FEAR OF HURTING SOMEONE YOU LOVE. A feeling YOU should be very familiar with.

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But how do we even get back to that now? How am I ever, EVER, a part of your life again, when your wife thinks Im there to ruin your marriage? Like, fuck sis, I have had the silver bullet to fuck your marriage over for over a year now, you REALLY think I would do some long con subterfuge bullshit when I could just say 8 words and cast everything into disarray? You really think Im that fucking subtle? My dramatic ass? Hell, you really think I would want to sabotage your relationship and (try to be) the second best consolation prize? Like, fuck, you know I cant even accept a pity win in other parts of my life. But thats what she thinks now and I dont see any way to reverse is without coming clean about at least some parts of what really happened (eg: my emotional motivations and what caused them).
Im unblocking you on SMS and Disc. Fun fact, blocked mmessages on SMS never get sent, so if you sent me anything, its gone. If you really want those things you said, fucking TALK to me instead of trying to make a woman who thinks Im there to steal her wife play in-between. Ill be waiting, but not for long.

Local trans group had its monthly meetup at the place I work. Love having a consistent reminder that I am too old and moided to do anything other than perpetually manmode.

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>>44410205
And ig the thing I forgot to say... you know me. You KNOW me, better than fucking anyone else. Yea your people picker is a little broken, cuz im obviously not a fucking good person. But still, think about our real shared experiences. Ive always done my best to hold true to my word and do right by you.
Like
Think back to when I hurt you with my internalized transphobia.and issues with your wife (hey a theme). You set a boundary and I stuck to it so fervently that you had to explicitly tell me a year later that it was okay to express disappointment to you about her actions.
Im not a different person just because you caught me being a wistful horny obsessive fucking femcel transbian. And you KNOW im a person who is capable of learning and changing - hell, a maseive crux of my connection and appreciation of you has been that you legitimately inspired me to be a better person. I got over my internalized transphobia issues because I wanted to be more like you. I started learning to appreciate being a mom more because I saw the joy there could be in it around you.
Like
Fuck, sis, I know you struggle to trust your heart, but listen to it for once???
Ugh im rambling a lot more than I wanted to and I still need to take the girls to school in the morning. Goodnight. I hope we arent strangers tomorrow. Hell, Im fucking PRAYING we arent. Me. Praying. For real. Thats how fucked up I am about alladis, ahahaaaaa.

>>44410557
>local trans group
Don't cuck yourself out of a good life because of your low self-esteem. Make friends with them. At least chat with them

>>44410205
I hope there is a future where we can joke about this and laugh. Ill accept being called a femcel for the rest of my fucking life if it means I can see you smile.

>>44397796
Just bought my dream car for $50k. Nobody really cared or congratulated. Though im alittle afraid to drive it around because I dont want to get car jacked, ive never bought something so expensive.

>it's another roomate treats me like shit because her family was discussing about how terrible it is that she lives with a transperson episode
>again

>>44401307
>no, i actually do want to do this with you and find some way for it to work"
Dont do that,

>>44410826
I'm happy for you :)
I'm not super knowledgable about cars, but there are a couple that I want, so I get how big that is. What kind, if you don't mind me asking?
>>44410848
You should move out asap. There's unfortunately not much of a way to convince someone in that situation to stop doing stuff like that. They have to do it on their own
t. used to be exactly like that before transitioning

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>>44410712
I want to make excuses, but I know that they'll just be that: excuses. My social anxiety is pretty bad, but maybe next time they come around I could at least go out front and have a drink after my shift. I usually just head straight home unlike a lot of my coworkers.

>>44407648
this is the attitude i try to have. it's hard but it's better than nothing. i must because i must

>>44410856
too late, already did it. it went decent

>>44410917
Trust me, I understand. I haven't met someone irl in years and that was only because a friend drag me to. It's hard, but it'll be worth it to have irl community. I believe in you, nona :)

>>44397796
I hate my stupid SWE job, leadership is basically nonexistent and my coworkers just dump vibecoded slop on me every day to clean up. I wish I could become a writer but the pay is peanuts compared to SWE so I'm stuck. I just wish there was a way I could pay the bills without selling my soul.

>>44410904
I know, I was waiting for a call from a job but that was a month ago, that would have changed everything but well, shit happens.
It's ironic that it was their fault that she ended up living with someone like me, it seemed like her family was working overtime to destroy her life, neglecting nagging mother, alcoholic wife beater father, her sister a single mother of two ( with 2 different fathers) that stole her first boyfriend and kept giving her terrible advice and a divorced(twice) repper brother that acts like a child, it seemed that they were taking turns in making her life difficult, they wouldn't talk frequently, they visit her once a year at most, but every single time they caused her some trauma or at least made her feel like shit. We were close friends even back then so I knew about all of that, and it was I that had to be there every single time, at some point I felt like she was my little sister or even my daughter, her life was so bad that I developed some heavy bond over trauma with her.
They always hated me, yet they never did anything to help her, guess that's why I live rent free in their heads, those bitches can't deal with the fact that they are terrible people and that it wasn't their fault, it's my magical trans powers that forced her to come to me for company.

i fucking hate my adopted parents for adopting me and then fucking off to south Korea because of military orders. why give this tranny hope that she could feel normal with a family only to leave me behind and not even bother to call or text how I'm doing. just fuck ass sharing boomer memes over Instagram.

>>44411076
>and that it wasn't their fault
*was

Bump.

God, nobody's tending the thread. This one's kimda a disaster

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>>44412640
Sorry. I'm still not doing great, and I have my reasons for keeping my distance right now. I'll also try to keep the thread from dying if necessary, but I might not post much for a bit.

>>44412691
I didn't kean to make it sound like you did anything wrong, sorry. Just that this thread's been a pretty rough one. Hard to take care of it. I hope everything's better for you soon

Hearing something creak or fall off a shelf or something down the hall just gave me a massive stab of adrenaline in my heart and made me barricade myself in my room hyperventilating repeating to myself "it's so cold, it's so cold, please don't hurt me" for like five minutes. I think I need to finally accept that there's something seriously wrong with me lately. I just can't tell what. I should by any logic be the least dysphoric I've been in months but never before have I been this exhausted and bitter and on edge. Everyone can tell. But I can't tell anyone. I'm not a danger to myself, please don't lock me up. Please. Please. It's so cold

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Dysphoria spiralling hard today. I was sitting with my SO & MIL earlier and they were asking about the walk I'd taken the dog on this morning. I said we stopped at one of the neighbors' because they were outside and the dog wanted to. MIL asked me if I got to pet their dog, who has the same name as the one I chose. I said she seems off-put by me. "Yeah, she seems skittish around men," she said. I'm honestly surprised she didn't seem to notice me flinch. My SO, sitting right next to me, didn't really speak up, just saying "she probably isn't sure what you are." I've been crying and shaking most of the afternoon. I don't want to do this anymore...

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>5 months hrt
>my face changed a lot and yet not enough to reach even androgyny
>no need to come out because for everyone in my life it is like nothing changed at all
do I still have hope? I wish I could spent some money sometimes but it seems I'll have to save every penny for ffs
and that will take like 10 years... what do I do in the meantime? I cannot go out like this, I cannot do anything like this

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im so sorry i truly did like you a lot but i shamed myself and i could never face you again im sorry i think about you all the time still

>>44397796
i've been abused my entire childhood life, and to this day i live alone and my mom cant hug me or care for me because she was abused too, so i live a very void life, i have friends still but i can never get close to anyone
i've grown used to it but its strange how mean people sometimes can get, when they notice i cant be exactly like them, how could i be like them with the life i lived, and all the things i never had that should be given to any children
so i live like this, maybe one day i will have children of my own and give them a good life and childhood, and then i can die at peace knowing i fixed the biggest wrong anyone has ever done to me

Seems like my dissociation had increased back to similar levels of last year, with all the exhaustion that comes with that.
>>44415806
Give it time, sis. I didnt start consistently passing until nearly 3 yrs in. Everyone moves at their own pace.
That said consider boymoding if you feel youre at risk. No shame in it. Its a safety thing more than anything. Just dont stop working on the things you can impact in the meantime.
>>44415498
Eat them.
>>44416384
Ngl part of my drive to be a good mother is to undo the awful things my own mom did to me.

sometimes I wish I could give myself schizophrenia so I could have an imaginary boyfriend

I understand I'm blessed because I'm lucky enough to receive love. It's not the love I want. I'm such a people-pleaser that I can't say no. I'm not happy. I just hope I can get what I want one day.

>>44415498
I'm so sorry :( It's the kind of death by a thousand cuts that really wears us down more and more each day. You are endlessly kind and compassionate, and you deserve better than to be treated with apathy. I wish there's something I can say or do to help you feel better, like you've done for so many others in these threads.

i havent been able to take HRT for two months now and its given me awful permastubble im definitely gonna have to just laser off (which i cant even fucking afford and likely never will bc im unemployable)

even when i get back on it, the damage will be done. why do all these horrible horrible things have to keep happening to me? what am i supposed to do?

>>44416515
>consider boymoding
I do, I cannot handle the stress of not being seen as cis, if my transition gets any more complicated it would just end because I’m already at my limit
>dont stop working on the things you can impact in the meantime
the problem is my face, the more it changes the more I look like a younger boy, it’s like it can just get less masculine and never more feminine
I’m even gaining fat but nothing ever goes to my face, only breasts and thighs
is there even anything I can do? my face isn’t even that masculine, yet it struggles to look even kinda androgynous

Finally feeling a bit more stable. There's a deep emotional wound but it's not bleeding aanymore. Gods, I really am a maximal catastrophist. Times like this I miss being a number out golem.
Not really. I just wish I had someone to hug while I cried it out.
Finally broached my sexuality issues with my husband. That'll probably explode in my face in the next week or so. Wheeee being hurt by attempts to communicate transparently and the trauma that makes it harder to unmaaaaaaask. :')
>>44417111
Girl youre legit 5 months in. Things like fat redist takes tiiime. Its the kind of change you wont notice happening until you look back on older pics and are like "holy cow I look different"
I pretty much aged in reverse back to my 24 y/o self and then started looking convincingly enough like a woman that I started malefailing constantly. It took 2 years to get to regular malefailing and nearly 3 for me to get to a point where I dont seem to really be able to pass as a man.
Have patience. Work on your voice now (trust me, youll thank yourself for it). Get a good haircut that frames your face. Work on skincare and taking care of your hair (look up advise based on hair type!). Learn how to dress yourself better now - even if you arent girlmoding today, skipping the awkward "I dont know how to dress like a woman" stage is a boon in itself. Maybe learn how to do makeup - makeup can be absolute fucking wizardry and I still need to apply some of the things my friend's wife taught me.
But physical changes from HRT? Legit just put a pin in that for a year or two and enjoy the process. Maybe weight cycle a bit to speed up fat redist if you are able to.

Oh, side note, Honey, can we name future threads /ventgen/? These have been ongoing for a little bit and picking up steam (threads actually hitting bump limit) and I think itd make it easier to find in the catalog?

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i am sorry if the words make sense. it is harder and harder to make a coherent sentence so it takes a lot of the energy out. i am really sad. more than sad but i dont have any words. the thoughts are getting deleting from my head. who is doing that should stop. i’m suffering every night. all day we hold back our tears and then it cries out all night. wish to die soon. lots of pain. i wish i could make music at the very least befor i do but it is not beautiful. in the end i couldn’t become anything. i feel like the child hurt without words for it again. its hurting. i wish i could be saved. i wish i was someone worth saving

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>>44418642
Everyone is worth saving, nona. Hang in there. Things will be okay, I promise.

>>44418667
i don’t know if it is true but thank you for being kind

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>>44418699
Of course. Kindness is free and yet all too rare in this world. :[

Eugh, I really wish I hadn't evolved into the kind of person who needs almost constant interaction and presence to not start going crazy. It's really fucking needy, and chance of me finding someone who will just let me kinda revolve around them (on top of all of the other issues Ill have with relationships) nears 0. Definitely too much for any normal friends. Boards and servers kinda fill the gap a bit but its never enough.
Uuuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhh

>>44419086
It really do be like that. Craving interactions but not having anyone to interact with, forced to doomscroll instead for the next best thing.

>>44419086
I feel that. I've been trying to get used to the quiet again, but most days that's really hard. I guess the best thing to do is keep your mind occupied. I fall into the same trap as that other post, though and just doomscroll

>>44419899
Im thankfully too bored with modern internet to doomscroll. But the flipside of that is as I grow socially starved, I get despondent and just kinda waste away. If I'm lucky Ill remind myself to do chores or follow my checklists.
Huu
Im might be meeting a new friend in person next week or so, so hopefully that goes well. She's a short train ride away, so we might go check out some local stuff. Hoping it goes well. Gotta start somewhere, I suppose.

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dear karkatposter i met from this board
i used to talk to you more frequently but stuff started happening in my own life and i havent kept up with you. i'm sorry. i hope things are going better in your life, i'm a little too scared to reach out because i don't want you to think i'm weird for doing so. i just hope you were able to overcome the shit you were going through. im sorry for ghosting you, it wasn't intentional

t. rezi poster

i had to go to see family for reasons. i grew out my facial hair for three days. it looks like a one day stubble lmao. i wore neutral tones and loose clothing. and three layers despite it being over 100 degrees. indoors. act natural. i thought about deliberately mismatching my shoes. the ultimate cismoid behavior.

absolutely undetected.

is it possible my ex was at the venue? no that was some other girl that just looks like her but fat since you know shes fat now. did the typical extended family casual racism happen? yes of course.

i have developed a habit of laughing hysterically when i get alone in the bathroom or something especially if i catch a mirror and saying things like holy shit this is real life nona lmao get it together i cant believe this is happening

my zero state now has a tolerance so high that when i rip a blinker it doesnt even phase me. no one has asked me why i squint so much that my eyes are practically closed. they just assume thats how i am since i am hit them with the competent + confident combo. when i start rambling they are enthralled.

'you cant keep this up forever nona'. its becoming effortless. the platespinning is now second nature. they will never catch me. i am invincible. when i crash and burn it iwll be deliberatee

>>44420427
i remember seeing you two's interactions, it was cute, hope you can reconnect

>>44419086
Yeah. I really wish someone liked me enough to spend all day talking to me but it seems most of my friends only feel like talking when they have no other option left lol. I'm not even sure I can call them friends desu. When I do try to talk to them, they sort of just start ignoring me after a few messages.