Like a year ago after constantly considering for nearly 10 years if im a tranny i finally started HRT.Its been kinda neat ig. But its also been wrecking my fucking mind - i am extremely scared ill turn out to just be cis and made a massive mistake trooning out.Theres a good chunk of evidence im just cis and just mindfucked myself into this:> didnt and still dont really have dysphoria> dont badly want to be a woman or believe i am one or need to be one> dont hate being male, just kinda indifferent> sometimes scared i wont get used to having breastsOn the other hand:> i sometimes like what i look like now (sometimes including having small breasts)> i tend to get a bit happy when i malefail/people think im female> i still sometimes get jealous of women and wanna look more like thatThis is dumb. Why do i have both of these wildly contradicting things seemingly be true about myself.But most importantly: Will i ever ever know which one is actually the right one? Will i ever know if i made the right decision taking HRT? Or will i forever have a breakdown every couple of days over being unsure if it is/was the right thing to do. And constantly have to be scared ill suddenly wake up one day, my delusions give out and i turn out to have been a normal, deluded guy all along and having to detrans now?This is lowkey more important to me than anything else. I just want the certainty that i did the right thing & it feels like ill never get it. Tru trannies get this for free (dysphoria basically forces you into at least trying since u cannot stand being male), but i dont think i have that and i hate myself for it.
this pretty much sums up my experience too. but it fluctuates
Dysphoria is more of a behavior than a feeling to be honest. Like, deep down it truly is a feeling, but it can be as bare as "this is wrong" or "this is right". Above that feeling a whole lot of crazy behavior can manifest. And the crazy behavior is really the obvious dispositive thing. If you didn't CARE REALLY FUCKING HARD FOR SOME REASON you just wouldn't be *doing* all this crazy shit.So like, you probably do feel dysphoria, you just don't recognize it as such. You sound like you've been driving yourself crazy for.. up to a decade it sounds like... that's a whole lot of fucking care for "no dysphoria".
>>44413924>Like, deep down it truly is a feeling, but it can be as bare as "this is wrong" or "this is right".Yeah and i dont really have that i think.>If you didn't CARE REALLY FUCKING HARD FOR SOME REASON you just wouldn't be *doing* all this crazy shit.Good argument desu. But also i really dont think i care, its weird. I care consistently, like it seems to come back often, but i dont care strongly?For me its at best like a slight vibe of "maybe id prefer being more fem(ale) than male" and thats it. The fact that the justification is so flimsy makes me fear its a mistake.> So like, you probably do feel dysphoria, you just don't recognize it as such.Idk, i hit all the obvious points where someone might go "oh wait that was dypshoria?" already. Ive been thinking and reading abt this trans stuff for nearly a decade, if i just hadnt known sth i experience was dysphoria id have most certainly found out already.And the other time most ppl seem to go "oh wait i actually am dysphoric" (trooning out) also seemingly didnt quite do it for me either.The fact that its been so long with me knowing what dysphoria and being trans is makes me think i might truly not have dysphoria.> You sound like you've been driving yourself crazy for.. up to a decade it sounds likeMaybe not (always) driving myself crazy, but yeah its been a good chunk ig.> that's a whole lot of fucking care for "no dysphoria".Idk, maybe. Granted its a whole lot for "im actually just cis it turns out", so that might not happen (tho i still fear it may), but idk if this means no dysphoria.Like i said, with so much time, if anything, i should have found out its dysphoria by now if it was, no?
>>44413159Maybe the reason is because you hate being a male secretly because the feminist matriarchal gynocratic misandrist society has punished you for having male sexuality and male gender expression. You were raised from birth and told you were a rapist, an abuser, and told that "future is women". Many autistic males succumb to this pressure and it's fine if you do. As long as you accept that you don't have dysphoria over wanting to be a woman, you have dysphoria over being a male. A disposable male without rights. Forced to conscript and be drafted for war. Without the special privileges of women.
>>44414304are u just posting this shit wherever. I said in the op i dont think i have actual dysphoria.>>44413627wdym? being scared it was a mistake and desiring some certainty on this? or having the problem of some things pointing towards cis with others towards trans and being conflicted about that?in either case im sorry u are going thru the same stuff :c.
