i just dont know what to fucking do anymore, sometmes i want to slit my throat because i feel like im trapped in this endless cycle of realizing i can change my life and achieve my dreams and then start too feel its too much and i will never be capable of reaching it. Im 17 and since i was 12 i started realizing im kinda gay, so i came out to my friends at school, they were really supportive, so was my mom. BUT i was stupid and i thought "omg men are so handsome, i must be gay!", a year later, at 13, i was comforting a really good female friend of mine after coming home to her alcoholic mother relapsing. we cuddled in bed and i wasnt thinking about anything weird so i just started caressing her hoping she would calm down, and she did, just to kiss me afterwards. she KNEW i was gay, but she did it anyways, (women i fucking guess). then that awakened my shitty teenage monkey brain and we ended up a couple for a year. so i wasnt gay anymore and it was weird, yeah. it was our first time ever being in a relationship so we had all of our first experiences together, we kissed, had sex, we started to go out, make some friends, drink alcohol, smoke weed, shit even fucking snorting coke (13 years old btw). long story short, we broke up, we are friends now and i see her pretty often, that year was like full of core teenage memories for us and a lot of friends, mainly because we were really young doing stupid shit, hanging out and blacking out together. after that i had my chance with a couple of girls but i got really sick of them. they are so fucking hard to please and understand and they can be some of the most cruel humans i have ever encountered. men are much more simple. ever since i started having gay thoughts i was really appealed by the "twink" look, the more feminine, slim guy type of gay. and i was slim my whole life and i weigh about 48kg now, so i started leaning to that side more at 15, but i (keeps going on reply because of character limit)
was kind of ashamed of it so i shrugged it off thinking i was being unrealistic and i could never be that man. i have always hated myself, never took any pictures because i hated my face, it ruined my day whenever someone showed me any pictures of myself. it also kinda does now but i have became less sensitive to it since im surrounded by selfish cunts that dont care how you feel, only feel for themselves and think of others only when performing for society, living by it. that feeling has became more prominent these months. i started cutting my arms a year ago out of spite and the feel of not connecting with anyone, because even when i tried to i would only get hurt and realize people are out for themselves and only themselves. fast forward now and i started reminiscing about my feelings on myself and my sexuality. realized i will never be happy if im not myself, if i cant express who im truly am i will live in anothers man life for whats left of it. so i decided to make the change, bought some clothes i liked, started laser hair removal a month ago, also i wear glasses, n they make me look like a fucking nerdy loser (WHICH I PROBABLY FUCKING AM) but without it i look much more like who i want to be (even when my nose looks is shit and looks awful), so i got contact lenses, i cant even put them on because my body flinches whenever theres something approaching my eye so i forgot about it for months, but im finishing school after 12 years since i started going to it at 6 years old, and it seems like a big change so i was thinking to myself. "it would be pretty rad if i close this chapter of my life becoming my true self" so now thats kind of my goal, also because even if i started being me at my school, it just would be weird because everyone hates faggots right? so if i want to get a full time job as soon as
>>44416686i get out of school, at least let me do it with a pinch more of happinness and a pinch less of self hatred. i love weed. everytime im smoking i start thinking about how my life is falling to pieces, but not in a bad way. i realize im going through the righteous path because the only time i feel fuzzy and warm inside is when i think about the man i yearn to be. so i have to fucking get my shit together and achieve it. but somedays it feels like too much, also my self hate wont go away for a long time and im trapped with it. I dont like labels, whenever someone asks me my sexuality i say that, because its true lol. But i guess i am pansexual i guess? like im willing to be with anyone, but woman.. im sick of them so its like a really weak desire of being with one, MEN on the otherside, get my shit going. whenever i think about being with a guy, holding his hand, kissing him, hugging him, sharing mundane things about life like waking next to his scent in the morning, i fucking even start crying sometimes, because i feel full and know it may happen. but it is a long long way ahead. SO i have to. -Keep going with the hair removal. -Put on the fucking contacts. -keep growing out my hair (its kinda long for a guy but short for a girl) -Finish school this year (so i have to fucking study, at least its the last year). -Get a J*b, so i can be financially independent. And thats about it, having like, money is my top 1 priority because literally everything that i need is tied to it. I have like 4 months until it so i will be miserable and happy on and off for whats left of the year. REMEMBER! im a fucking faggot, and if u also are one, please advice me if u went through similar stuff! byee (english is not my first language btw so sorry for typos. also i felt like shit when i started typing this, but now i feel much better even tho i kind of went on it at my arm and it hurts now. seems like not holding everything in does a good job on your mental health)
