im so tired of being a permaneet but history has showed me that nothing i does seems to change anything. i need so many things to go correctly and they never do so i stay trapped in the same situation forever, i cant even think about being trans or relationships like this, none of it matters when you cant even have any forward momentum at all.

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the only value i have in life is being other people's therapists, punching bags or stress relief. no one will ever love broken goods like this.

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If I haven't listened to music that day, its because I didn't hear your voice
If I haven't engaged literature, I didn't read your words
If I didn't witness the stars, I didn't see your eyes
If I'm cold, I didn't feel your laughter

If you are stagnant I'm not moving
If you are moving, I'm ready to catch your falls
If you are happy, I'm absolutely enamoured
If you are sad, I'm absolutely enamoured

It's all so dull without you, a boring prison.
Getting to speak to you makes it all so radiant
Through this iron maiden, I'm watching a goddess
I could not be happier, despite suspended in piercing spikes.

god im so worthless

"Seasonal Affective Disorder" is absolutely some made up shit, an overpathologization of common and totally understandable human feelings
but oh my GOD this time of year is a drag. i hate everything in september. fuck TS Eliott, SEPTEMBER is the cruelest month. everything that socially counts as summer has ended (kids are back in school, halloween plastic slowly trickles into stores starting about now) yet summer's dead weight hangs over everything, making everything ten lbs heavier while providing no shade. all the flowers are dead, green things are going yellow and brown, yet where i live it will continue being hot as fuck for two-to-three weeks, if not well into october. i am so goddamn sick of sweating, of not being able to hide my disgusting, pasty skin under layers, long sleeves, sweaters and coats and such. let me fucking DIE

>>44667933
Why?

>>44668576
i cant do a single thing right

>>44667240
I am genuinely just a cis man and I have zero idea why I'm here or why I sometimes have the urge to transition.

>>44667240
I've only ever made meaningful connections online through 4chan, and now that it's dead I don't know where to look. I also know how much this says about me and why it could explain why I can't find or keep friends from other places.

why cant i put words to any of this

im so bad at life its unreal, like im just terrible at everything while everyone else is naturally at least okay.

not off to a good start today

Feel a lot saner today. But also very tired from sick. Sick daughter has been sleeping all day. Worried.
Lonely. Need another's presence. Ain't gonna happen. Just gonna have to put up with it. Tonight. And tomorrow. And the day after... and...
yea
I'm gonna go nap. No replies for now ig

>>44667240
I just got into transitional housing away from my family a little over a week ago. I forgave my family so many times but never really forgave them that often, however I feel betrayed by my friends. I begged so many people to come see me and talk me down, but nobody came. So many people said they would intervene if they ever saw my family treat me poorly, but nobody showed up for me. I was 3 hours away, is that really so much? I know that everyone faces precarity, that everyone is going through it, but that seems to mean that no one would realize if I was gone.
idk maybe I'm just bitter but I thought community was stronger than that.

>>44667348
do you ever ask for help?

>>44668893
Same

>>44670919
Nigger. 3 hours away. No ones driving 3 hours to you to calm you down from killing yourself. The only people who would go that far are desperate horny people.

21 and feel like my life is over. No full time job, no social skills, no degree, no family help, just a fucking useless tranny failure. I seriously need to die soon.

>>44671450
no, last few times i did went horribly wrong. i think im better off accepting it, love just isnt for me but pain certainly is

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>>44671611
I felt the same way for a long time, I still often do. :) I'm sure there are people who love you. I feel a lot of people get too hung up on the big disney romantic love and fail to see it in more mundane places.

>>44667443
Someone I know feels similarly about me. She's wonderful and sweet, but I don't know if I'm even capable of feeling those sorts of things for anyone, even her.I hate that I'm hurting her every time we speak. I hate that I just don't relate to any of that. I hate that she tried to trick me into being roommates. I hate that I'm making a friend so miserable she can't keep it out of her voice while she pretends everything is fine. I hate the constant background thought that if I don't feel more toward her there's probably a good reason
Maybe I should block her and be done with it /vent

>>44667985
can relate hard

>>44668893
Yeah I'm in the same boat. I've felt a kind of loneliness over the last few years that I've never felt before. It sounds kind of pathetic since we're talking about 4chan, but it's like I've been left socially homeless and idk what to do next
Trying to connect with others just feels impossible, there's something about this website which makes you relate to people and talk to people in a particular way that you just can't replicate anywhere else

>>44671484
KEK

>>44671611
just hop on grindr

I'll never be happy as long as I'm ugly, and I'll never stop being ugly, so I'll never be happy . People tell me to focus on the bright side, to not think about negativity, it means nothing. This isn't a choice. I don't have any agency. I'm stuck like this forever. I can't escape it. The only way out is death

>lonely
>fuck it, i'll try a dating app
>profile photo required
>look in mirror
>reminded im a fat ugly pretransition tranny
forget dating i need to die

i hate so fucking much that im a fucking idiot who has to distract myself for a few hours until the vape shop closes so that i dont pay to give myself cancer fuck my silly baka life

>>44672335
Yeah I don't know what my problem is either. I try other places but I just don't feel like that's my place, or that I can be fully at ease. A lot of that is the anonymity because if I say retarded shit I can just move on past it instead of obsessing about it lol.
I wonder though if it's because I have gotten older and changed, or that people around me changed when getting older and I stayed put, or it's just that the places I'm in are more for people from other generations and communities and every else already found their place to be.
I know that there's a lot wrong with me but then people keep telling me I should try, but then every time I do it ends up not working out. Not even anything on 4chan in recent years come to think of it. Yeah it seems most likely that I'm the issue.

>>44657428
nona
whoever you were before, whatever happened, the person you are now deserves to live. I truly believe that. it breaks my heart to think you might just lie down and die. please try. please

Bump

For years and years I've always supported my friends when they needed it; kept myself awake, taken time out of social engagements, listened to long rants. I've always thought that support was mutual but seems I was wrong. Some of my friends just ignore me, the rest don't even know where to begin it seems. It's either empty platitudes or even a joke this time. Also a joke that made me realise the things that friend was venting to me about is mostly she putting herself in those situations over and over again.

I'm so fucking tired and I wish I could be enough of an asshole to tell them I've had enough if it's always this one sided.

>>44667443
nona that's beautiful

>>44674979
Sometimes you either need new friends or need to be able to assert yourself better.

>>44671746
I usually suggest telling people things directly but I think if someone told me this I would kill myself in front of them in the most violent and gory way possible

>>44675267
>you either need new friends
Easier said than done
>need to be able to assert yourself better.
I feel like I do but maybe not in the right way? When I did so this time it lead to my friend making a joke instead

the feeling of discomfort becomes so constant, it hits so deep inside my being that, when I don't feel bad, I feel a void, a void so deep. I feel like it hurts me more being "normal", I miss so much and I long to feel bad again, the feeling of longing and need, I want to feel everything again, suddenly. I recently got into prioritizing bad choices, some things happened and my girlfriend finally realized things she would have preferred that she would never have known, I feel like I will never be the useful and reliable tool I used to be, now she knows I'm a guy miserable. I want to gut myself alive

>let's improve together

sorry, I'm just useless and I could never make you feel truly happy, make you feel happy like your friends do, all your improvements, each one of them, have been from everyone else, I haven't offered you anything because I'm useless and nothing I do and will do will work

i keep looking at old chat logs w my best friend and i miss being able to talk to her about anything. i hate myself for hurting her. i havent felt close with anyone in ages. my birthday is coming up again soon and its just another reminder of how alone i am.

For the brief time I knew you I felt like your jester and you were my queen, devoting my life to entertaining you or there would be no life to lead.
I've known many people and experienced many thing, but you had something more rewarding than any I've ever known.
Performing for you made my deep sense of boredom disappear.
Maybe it was how you looked at me while I danced for your scraps, maybe it was some twisted form of love, or maybe it was an ideal I projected onto a non-existent image of you.
I didn't care.
I happily played my role because it was the only thing that has ever made me happy. It was the closest to feeling human I have ever known.
It's been months now and I don't know if I'll ever feel it again, I know i will never feel human, but maybe someone will want to hear my jokes again. Maybe this wasn't my last performance and being fired did not lead to my execution like I was lead to believe.
I hope one day I can see you smile again.

>>44667240
im writing a screenplay and i have no idea why. its lowk stressing me out bc it needs a lot of work. currently is 75 pages, i need to rewrite the entire thing. this is what i do with my free time otherwise i would just be doomscrolling because i dont have a bf

Im 24 and I feel like my life is over, I'm in a relationship I don't know if i want to stay in because I don't want to risk losing the love I have and Im also chopped and no one else would love me like she does even if it feels like she doesn't even like me anymore sometimes. I work a job I enjoy but the thought of being there still in 5 years fills me with dread. I dont want to exist to 30 I just want to stop time, savor every moment, and exist without worry about the future. Im so scared to make the wrong move that I just sit here doing nothing.

It's been years since she cheated on me. My logical brain knows I should never want to see or speak to her again. It knows she will likely never change. It knows that even if she did she would likely never attempt to truly make up for her mistakes.

And yet I still think about her constantly, almost every day, and the one "want" I still have is the perfect relationship I felt we had, and so a part of me wants to believe she might show up, apologize profusely, ask if we can try again, swear she'll find a way to make it up to me, etc. etc. and somehow we still get out 'happily ever after'.

That same part of me rationalizes it by constantly reminding me that it's not like I have any better options.

My face is an huge fleshy masculine mess. My hands are huge and stubby. I will never pass. I will never be seen as a woman. I am missing any and all formative experiences of womanhood. I am a man who was stupid enough to delude himself into thinking he was a woman. I am a genetic dead end. I am a man with tits and a cruel joke waiting to be played on my friends and family. I will live my life as a passing shadow. I will die miserable and alone and will be remembered as a weird uncle. I am sorry for existing

I never told you because you already knew. I shouldn't have told anyone else. I know you knew from very early on. I wish it had stayed that way.

i've been suffering from depression since i realised a friendship that was really important to me is over and i just can't seem to get better. it's been almost two months now and i still feel dreadful most of the time. i can't concentrate at work, i've fallen back into unhealthy habits, i feel so tired and irritable constantly. i've tried different ways to cope and nothing has helped. socialising irl does nothing but distract me for a few hours, afterwards i'm alone with my thoughts again. investing in new friendships doesn't help either really because i just don't have that immediate sense of closeness i had when i first met her. staying in and avoiding people doesn't help either and just makes me feel weird and angry when i do inevitably have to interact with people again. my bf doesn't get it at all and doesn't understand why i'm so upset over it so i stopped talking to him about it. the worst part is that she wasn't even a particularly good friend to me a lot of the time nor me to her. and yet inexplicably losing her is worse than anything else. i guess it's just the bond we had from going through so much stuff together and having had that understanding even though we might not even be that compatible after all. i'm so confused and the stupid fucking discord app won't let me hide her status even though i muted her and hid our conversation to protect myself from strong emotions but if i deleted her it would close the door forever and i don't know if i'm ready yet.

>>44675096
thank you, its how i feel about her.. i wish i could express it in ways that matter

i deeply hate being a tranny on every level and dislike other trannies too much to confide in them. i wish i wasnt too stubborn to submit to some kind of religion. i wish there was hope for me.

>>44671606
Same. I regret pursuing my agp fetish. I got tricked by a fucking groomer into where i am now.

i've missed my hrt shots twice this month, i'm hoping i just quit and build up the courage to die soon

i hate how it mocks me as though everything else falling apart isn't enough. or maybe it's just something for me to be anchored by so i don't lose my sanity idk

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>>44677591
I'm in such a similar situation to you, down to the timeframe, that I'm honestly a little worried to even respond to this post. Though I doubt the person I stopped being friends with would vent here of all places.

That said, losing a long-term friend isn't easy. At times it feels like it doesn't even make sense that the friendship ended at all. Speaking personally I've tried to keep at least a little bit of contact but it's starting to look like it's done forever and I just have to find some way to accept that. It's been tough, I've actually had to up my Venlafaxine dosage over it. They say time heals all wounds, and I'm starting to think that there are some wounds that can ONLY be healed with time.

The one thing I can tell you that might help is that even if you never stop missing her, regardless of how angry she was or what she said, or what you said, she wouldn't want you to stop living because of this. Just do everything you can to make your good days count. I'm sorry you're going through this

>>44678912
>she wouldn't want you to stop living because of this.
not true. I rarely cut people off if I wouldn't want them to commit suicide as soon as possible.

>>44679986
gonna mirror this sentiment. used to be a comfyposter making motivational shit in places like this but after some particularly awful experiences I think the vast majority of people I have cut off would make the world a better place if they offed themselves.

fwiw this is mostly because they are completely uninterested in changing, despite excessive claims to the contrary. if someone actually wanted to change and make things up to me/the other people they have harmed I would be pretty supportive contingent on them following through.

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If I had been born a cis woman, my life would have been perfect.

My life is perfect right now, but getting to where I am has caused me a lot of trauma along the way; I wish I could erase certain memories.

I hate that my innocence is gone; I hate remembering all those looks of disgust directed at me; I hate having met or interacted with certain people; I hate having learned certain things; I hate that the things I love and am passionate about have been profaned...

I went from being a girl who played Halo, just a nerd, to someone sadistic. I like watching people suffer in any way; it’s gratifying to know there are people living in worse conditions than I am, and since they’re everywhere, the pleasure is infinite.

>>44680274
>I like watching people suffer in any way;
Suffering knows no social class or skin color; suffering does not discriminate. If I am healthy, even the richest person might be beneath me—their suffering is my pleasure; if someone is poorer than I am, their misery is my pleasure—whatever the case...

But I loathe people who live better than I do in any sense.

think i overheard someone saying "and he doesnt even make small talk idk what to do" probly about me. sorry im giga autistic. i actually like the guy who said that im just scared of talking to people so i only talk to who gives me my assignments for the day. like he has to have noticed i dont speak to any of the other people who work there except a rotating like 2 or 3 managers who give me work.

idk if it was about me but this individual is particularly catty so has actually made me cry, likely completely unintentionally. im just soft af and cant handle teasing. so yeah i dont say hi cause im terrified they all secretly hate me and im really annoying so i dont bother them unless i absolutely have to cause i dont want to give them an opportunity to prove me right.

and like i get positive feedback all the time but its really broad and generic. i never got specifics about like the particular step by step of how to do a bunch of stuff, but i like never get corrected either and its been over a year. so im kinda just flying blind but it works out. its really nerve wracking and i cant ask for clarification bc that means talking.

but i think that its making them think im the one who dislikes them and thats so not true they are all really nice! and this one is the one who like made sure to demonstrate they appreciate me in a professional capacity and i still constantly second guess it.

idk what to do. this is the same group of people who keep encouraging me to apply for a promotion and like they really dont know im older than all of them and a fucked up retarded troon with severe issues that can barely handle this part time position and runs away to cry in the bathroom or car all the time.

>>44670919
idk if i should forgive. i heard a thing about dolly parton dying that she said forgiveness is important. its been like 10 years and i talked to him but its my dad. idk if he really changed, or if hes even capable or destroyed his brain with alcohol. hes still really inconsiderate and rude and like not understanding but idk if hes doing it on purpose or like damaged. idk if he even quit drinking desu. idk how many chances to give someone, or if time resets the chance counter, or if i should prioritize my mental health. atp ig ill only see him again if he makes it easy and isnt a demanding inconsiderate ass about

>>44671484
fuck u i would

>>44680020
I guarantee you haven't changed anywhere near as much as you think you have

keep crying to sad songs. might have to like block them from my playlist or something. lyrics hit really hard every single time. dont want to go to work. hands feel fucked up and its starting to scare me. kinda want to call out until i get back to baseline. chopped a tree w an axe yest even tho i promised dr grok to take it easy but it was on a weather timeline. think im gonna take a 4 day weekend soon got a boatload of pto but idk what to do cause like i go to work six days a week to get away from my roommates and give them privacy. think im gonna get a hotel room or go camping. i got a heating blanket, for the pain, and loneliness. no shark still. it feels really nice but i cried.

i unironically keep going to work on certain days on the chance that this cute girl might be there and i alter my clothes and lack of/makeup depending on that even tho she probably never notices me

>>44680020
yeah I usually give people way more chances than the average person would so when it gets to the point I actually cut them off for good I typically would prefer if they were dead

>>44680429
could mean a lot of things, but sure. all that really changed about me is actually starting to respect myself and view the people who harmed me as poorly as I view the people who I (in most cases, used to) love.

>>44680467
same. but someone did something so absurdly cruel that I couldnt huff copium anymore and convince myself I somehow deserved/it wasnt that bad.

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>>44680571
>view the people who harmed me as poorly as I view the people who I love

>>44680798
oh. big typo. havent slept.
> view the people who harmed me as poorly as I view the people who *HARMED THE PEOPLE* I (in most cases, used to) love.

It's so tiring living with a psychopath, she firmly believes that she can do no wrong, everything is someone else's fault, trying to communicate with her is impossible, the moment she feels uncomfortable she just disconnects, I have that stupid expressionless face burned into my eyes, I am so tired of being a tard wrangler.

>>44680857
why do you live with her?

>>44680876
Moved in with the premise that I'd get paid for taking care of her kids, stayed because those kids are in constant danger,

All of my imaginary friends think obsession was a scary movie LMAO

one of the most annoying parts of being a tranny is trying to navigate your puberty as an adult.

>>44667985
have cooled off a bit since i posted this. still hate hot weather with my life but there's a charm to the suffering i guess, you have a glass of sweet tea find ways to keep your spirits up in spite of it all or w/e. still wanna kms for 100 other reasons thougghhh (also it's Eliot with one 't' duh)

Going from inconsistent hrt shots to taking a normal dose of testosterone again filled me with such vigor i started feeling again, maybe a bit too much. Luckily, i didn't try to fuck or fight anyone this time around.

i'm sick with frat flu after going to bars with my PhD cohort, I feel like shit and i haven't been able to sleep properly but i'm just so tired :(

lmao everyone is so grateful today

it's my 4th year of manmoding at college and idk whats different this year but going back to classes and seeing not only pretty women but quite honestly a staggering amount of trans women, most of who are pretty and passable, has broken my spirit. even the not so pretty ones who don't pass still make me sad. I wish I wasn't such a loser sack of shit and I had the courage to live happily. all I know now is that even tho we feel the same I'm fundamentally different from all of them and I'm destined to be a ugly moid forever. actually fuck my life. Im scared to die but every new day suicide seem more and more like the only way out.

Moving out of my childhood home within the week
I had to throw out a bunch of old sentimental moid stuff
Still felt shit though

I don't want to be like this anymore but I know if I don't at least make an effort to present differently I'll die unhappy and early.

>>44675447
u should tell her. i cant even my logs theyre gone. if u were my best friend i would forgive u

Not really a "vent" as such but does anyone have any tips for coping through antidepressant withdrawal?
Short version: ran out of my prescription yesterday and can't get more until Friday because I'm stupid and shit's rough

>>44675942
been thinking about something similar lately. i remember once when i was around that age i was with all my irl friends at a rave seeing one of our fav acts and like right as were all peaking on e and theyre dropping the bass on the hit song i looked around and see all the familiar faces around me and hit this menthol cigarette and do a bump while it washes over me and i suddenly had this bittersweet feeling that it was over that we were never gonna be together again and it would never be quite this carefree again that we were all growing up and it couldnt be like this forever.

the friend group blew up a few months later from serious drama pregnancy harder drugs addiction overdoses bunch of couples broke up later people died or left town and we never went to a rave again. i keep crying when i think of my pets or parents. they arent gonna be around much longer probly. and im so scared of losing the few people i have left.

idk last time my cat was being annoying(im allergic) i just picked him up and held him all night bc hes like older than 10 now and you know he only has so much time left to receive pets

i always feel like i have to be doing something productive while im awake but lately ive just been getting high and staring at the wall and listening to music for hours.

>>44676111
its been a decade for me and shes married w kids which is what i never wanted and refused to give her we were utterly incompatible in every way and she forced our relationship from the very beginning and i never even wanted it. i still miss and dream about her, and the others too.

i decided fuck it and i dont care i can fix my habits later. i feel like shit so im gonna eat a pint of icecream every day and not consider it a problem till i gain 20 pounds. i already decided to wake and bake every day for the last month. and as i apprehensively predicted eventually i will do it too much and feel like shit and just stop naturally. i probly only crave all this bc ive been torturing myself with this stupid diet thats stressing me tf out. just no smoking cigarettes or drinking and i should b ok

i FUCKING HATE summer and late summer especially. >>44667985 SAME

>>44683735
basically your brain is going to be dealing with huge drop in serotonin. the best way to deal with this is (and any other withdrawals) is to spam it with other shit to give you the happy chemicals to not kill yourself. nicotine and sugar are the easiest accessible ways to do this so intake a fuck ton of one or both of those for a few days. 100% avoid alcohol even though you're going to feel like you want to drink.

>>44683819
caffeine is also a good one. just do anything to trick your brain into thinking it's happy which usually means consuming unhealthy shit

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>>44683819
Cigarettes and candy but no booze, easy enough. Thanks nona

>>44682666
digits of burning in hell
>cooled off
figuratively... or?
we have the hundred degree days right up until halloween. takes till november for nights to drop below 80. idk if humidity is worse, ours is a dry heat. sucks ass when you open your window at midnight and get hit with a furnace.

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I think Im losing control of my heart again...
Wanted to get involved in some of the convo about lost friends earlier but the day passed me by in a flash. Losing friends sucks, especially when theyre close. I... hope I can invite some of my missing friends to my wedding one day. Whenever that day is.

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i dont trust anybody. as the months go by, i have learned one important lesson: no one is obligated to care about me. which is fine. because i feel like no one really does. no one ever texts first. no one ever texts back consistently. and that's fine! no one is obligated to do that. so i don't even want to have any friends anymore. i haven't told them that i want to just ghost them and move on because they aren't... helping. which is fine. because no one is obligated to do that. i am sick and tired of people. i hate it when they text back only sometimes and tell me that they're worried, but then that's the end of it. is it so much that i want to consistently talk with my "friends" every day? so what? i don't feel anything. i'd rather just be alone. i don't trust anyone, then they get offended and leave. everyone else in the world hates me or forgot that i ever existed so what's the point? i want then to just hate me and leave like everyone else did because it makes sense

it's just not fair that my life is ruined forever while they get to have fun and be successful. i worked just as hard if not harder. but just a few mistakes and it's all over. and after i tried to make it better it got a million times worse. and now nothing in my life is any good, and i barely feel attached to anybody anymore. all i have is my stupid project that i use to dissociate all the time with, and no one in my life knows how hard it is for me to pretend that i'm okay all the time. and of course, if i show that i'm struggling, all i get back is NOTHING from my friends, "so what everyone has it bad" from my mom, and "that's bullshit and you need to grow up" from my dad. i hate it here. I only want to die. i'm sick of this fucking earth. i could never be what i wanted. I can't get a job, I can't get HRT, I can't have anything and I don't know why. im ngmi

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>>44680274
>>44680312
based. i am actively planning a murder to kill my ex

>>44680341
this is also a problem i share with my "friends" no one ever knows how to respond to me even though i talk about normal ass shit like if i went to get a nice meal somewhere, or if i enjoyed a media we both like, or even if the sky is nice. but for some reason we are cursed and no one can give any unique platitudes. are you also bored of people?

>>44680571
based i like that you've got self respect now. show them what you're made of

>>44680429
progress isn't linear. this person may have just backslid but is overall doing better than before. ya dont know em

>>44680467
based!

>>44681060
wait until she snaps and then take legal actions. they all do

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>>44684257

>>44681254
it's scary because the threat is a cis woman. based for having imaginary friends, the kids call it DID now

>>44681297
you've done it once you can do it again. i beleive in you!!!

>>44682833
spam cough drops if you have a cloggy sinus

>>44682991
i am going to die.

>>44682790
malebrained behavior congratulation

>>44683582
one thing that helps me is taking photos of things before throwing them out. helps preserve the memory. unless you didn't want them

>>44683650
be your authentic self and fuck everybody else. literally?

>>44683819
fuck this is what ive been doing and i have been off ssris for like a year

anyway im going to go to hell now goodbye

>>44684197
>it's just not fair that my life is ruined forever while they get to have fun and be successful. i worked just as hard if not harder. but just a few mistakes and it's all over. and after i tried to make it better it got a million times worse. and now nothing in my life is any good, and i barely feel attached to anybody anymore. all i have is my stupid project that i use to dissociate all the time with
all incredibly real.

>>44684257
>based. i am actively planning a murder to kill my ex
at this point also an understandable sentiment desu. the seething hatred I have makes me think of doing drastic things but since the rest of the world also sucks, making it better for them by removing a singular narcissistic demon feels undeserved, and its not like any of it would change my own situation.

>based i like that you've got self respect now. show them what you're made of
unfortunately no amount of self respect makes a difference in my life improving since thats reliant on other people caring about my existence. and it also means I can look back on the good things I did - which includes literally saving lives - and go "oh. nothing I did mattered and the people I did it for largely did not deserve this and my life still sucks. to continue to participate in society at all would be to further reward awful people". with this rationale the only reason I am still alive is that I could technically be wrong and there may be someone that exists somewhere who truly does deserve the kinds of things I have done/would do. its a strange situation to be in to have gone from regularly calming people down out of mental health spirals and suicidal ideation to now feeling like the only non-lying response I could give is "yeah shit wont get better, might as well, im just stubborn or id do the same lol"

>>44684265
>1297
It's certainly easier to manage under these conditions, but more embarrassing when you do screw up. I fucked up my shots for a few months so I'm going from pcos levels to normal moid levels of testosterone fairly quickly and it's altering my mood. Once I get stable I'll surely be fine.

>>44667240
I feel like a rat in a glue trap, I'm stuck living with my hitlerite parents, I have no job or real friends or social life, my partner hates me and is probably gonna break up with me soon, and I live in a shithole part of a shithole state. I have no way to move out for the foreseeable future. Unless some miracle happens I'm probably gonna be a permaboymoder and die in my hometown, and I have no one to talk about this to irl. And I can't even try to get my social life together without going outside and seeing cissoid women live normal lives reminding me how good I could've had it. I wish I had drugs

>>44684747
i know it's literally not that simple but it sounds like you should focus on finding a job for now. you don't need too much money to move if you're okay with some uncertainty. im real sorry you're in such a bad position right now

>>44684257
>are you also bored of people?
kinda. idk i flip flop. i used to be, like a long time ago, really hateful and judgmental. but now i think they are either mean or scary or even then kinda like cute big versions of children. like people are kinda dumb apes but they can hurt eachother too.

but yeah i have a huge problem w relating to people. like i try to make analogies or give common examples or describe situations with feelings to share something and they just stare blankely and dont get it. im like 'oh you know its kinda like this thing that everyone has heard of' and theyre just like nah havent herd dont get it it.

and thats just practicing being normal and like trying to chat. as for actual like things im interested in. idk if anyone would even understand. its esoteric as fuck. and not even like as an ego thing. and its why i got so good at analogies bc my interests are so obscure so i to someone w a modicum of experience i can explain to and even then its a struggle

i dont want to think the average person is inherently incapable but lately im not so sure. maybe its not necessarily inherent but a lot seem permanently damaged, in like a functional sense, not exactly trauma. like they cant read or do basic math so analogies dont make sense bc they dont understand half the words how variables or hypotheticals work or quantitative equivalency so you just end up confusing them and making them mad and they think you are lying or insulting them or something. and it feels super shitty like im being some smarty pants asshole but thats some seriously basic developing country level stuff you overcome with like nutrition and elementary school, and yet, richest nation in the history of the world

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im boymoding and the people at the drive throughs near me always put my deadname as a similar sounding female name even after i correct them back to my deadname and today i got annoyed with the guy when he did it and he started being really apologetic and i felt really bad i dont know why i didnt just let him call me a girl name it made me happy to be treated like a girl i feel like shit

>>44684747
>shithole part of a shithole state... permaboymoder and die in my hometown
same and same and same. and i fucking hate it here and it actually physically effects me, gives me migraines and allergies. i realized today that the reason everything looks nice after the rain and i feel better and can see clearly is because its the one time of the year its not fucking dusty 24/7. irl pissfilter haze. not to mention the plants and rocks are bleached from uv exposure so everything is reflective. at least im stoned all the time

>>44684816
it makes me super uncomfy and want to snap at them but i know its policy. its like the pronoun circle "helping". it helps trenders, and does nothing for passoids, while kicking reppers and closeted troons in the balls, just to remind them.

i give drive throughs the even more generic version of my birthname, like a top 10 english name, and they still spell it wrong?

>>44684879
there's statistically twice as many nonbinary people as trans men and women combined. do you really think we'd ever be able to do away with anything for them?

>>44684893
huh?

>>44684197
>I can't get HRT
why not?

>>44684995
pronoun circles are for nonbinary people and they own the "trans" community and control the discourse so complaining about it is futile

Like a chicken with its head cut off

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>>44667240

I feel so fucking lonely and bored. I'm a masochist autistic tranny thrill seeker, i need something to feel alive. I feel so bored, ill do anything to feel alive. I feel like i don't exist

Maybe I need a BPDemon in my life

>>44685993
What do you usually do to feel alive?

nigger

>>44686014
where

>>44685993
>maybe I need a BPDemon in my life
Heyyyyyy

even though i’ve moved out and transitioned and gotten on meds (schizophrenia) i still enter derealization fits all the time and my ability to work is limited. my stability is here but it feels so fragile and if i’m not at my job i’m just holed up at home. i find comfort in having a body i want, i guess, but i feel gross and like a failure a lot. i lack something fundamental that makes me human like everyone else

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suddenly really wanna die and I don't know why. just washed with a horrible dread and tiredness the paranoia everyone and everything hates you is so deep seated trying to believe otherwise just makes it worse. please brain just let me have some nice things for once...

Still leave in my shithole county, and still neeting. I'll probably just die in a few months because I don't feel like I want this to keep going, but I also don't feel like I can change anything. Talking to people from here or other was also pretty pointless and made me feel even more isolated in a way. And each time I met someone that I clicked with, they'd just end up being very mentally ill and leave me for no reason or vanish from the internet